****I posted this in GCII, but later thought that this might be a better place for it****

WARNING - LONG!

Hello everyone -

I am new here, and have been devouring all of the information and wisdom imparted on this board. Let me explain where I presently stand:

I am 31, my W is 36, we have been married 8 1/2 years, and dated for about 5 years before that (yes, if you do the math, when we first met I was a junior in high school, and she was a senior in college). No children as of yet.

As my handle implies, I travel a good deal for work, which hasn't been a problem until the last couple of years. We are both from Texas, got married there, and after a year or so of marriage, we decided to get her back into school to take some courses required to be able to sit for the MCAT. You see, she has had a dream of being a Podiatrist since her teens. I fully supported the plan, and worked hard to make up for the partial loss of her income due to school. After 2 years of schooling, she took her MCAT, and applied for Podiatry School. The problem was, there are only 7 schools in the entire country. So we had to pick up and move everything including my business (I am self-employed) to Philadelphia.

In Texas, I had established a decent customer base that I had to more or less walk away from. So to keep up the income, I had to start travelling even more. While in school, there was no chance for her to earn any income at all, and we had so many more expenses with books, insurance, and the like. The tuition was covered by student loans. I fully supported her in her endeavor, and have kept my "head down" constantly tying to support us and minimize our debt load. When I wasn't travelling, I would sometimes have 1-2 weeks at home. I would cook, clean, and do home improvements....oh, I forgot to say we bought a house that was somewhat of a fixer-upper, so there were a good many projects to do. The thought was that we could sell the house for a small profit after her 4 years were done.

During this time period, I grew tired of my line of work. My W and I agreed that after she starts practicing, I could either return to college, or find something else I would like to do. We also were planning on having children during a year of her residency, and I could be Mr. Mom for a while. I am a firm believer in having a parent in the home if possible. If she was bringing home the bacon, I could raise the children, at least for a while. After her first year or two, she would have a more flexible schedule that would allow us to trade off days.

She ended up landing a great surgical residency in Los Angeles (where I am now), but there was a catch. We received the offer in mid June, and she had to start July 1. All we had was a two week notice, and we had to pack the entire house up, and drive completely across the country. We put the house on the market on Tuesday, had a contract on Saturday, and were on the road the following Wednesday. I even drove the truck myself...

The property values out here were so outrageous, and the residency is only a year, so we decided to rent. We have many pets, so that was a challenge. We found a house - 1200 sq. ft. for $2200/mo. Wow... So between selling the house in Philly, and having our cost of living skyrocket, I find myself travelling more than ever. I have been here maybe 1/4 of the time we have lived in So. California. Again, I saw this as a temporary situation, and we could tough it out for a year like this....or so I thought.

I returned home from New York on Thanksgiving night, and we went out to have some Turkey, etc. at a restaurant. She then proceeds to tell me that she want's a divorce. Not a seperation, not counseling, just a divorce. HUH!?!?! Come again?!?!?! She stayed the night with me at home after hours of talking and crying, but the next evening after more talking, she said she had to leave. Her residency is very demanding and the talks were putting too much emotional strain on her.

She stayed at hotel - she wouldn't tell me which one, but I found out - for the next week, then came home to pack her things for a vaction that we had been planning to Hawaii w/her mother. Of course, by this point, it was understood that I shouldn't join her. She left after packing and more talking and crying to go back to the hotel.

She is now in Hawaii, while I remain here, alone, my head spinning. There is a gaping hole in the pit of my stomach, and I sleep little and eat less.

I found out that the hotel that she stayed at last week was *coincidentally* in the same suburb that a young, married, doctor lives who she works very closely with. I asked point blank a number of times, but she emphatically denies having an affair.

She attributes her unhappiness to my neglect, my insane mother, and as a result of my mother, my depression (I have been on Zoloft for about two years for anxiety/depression). She also is still very angry at me from when she found pornography on some burned CD rom's about a year and a half ago. I have plenty of issues from my childhood that I have just ignored, but I told her that I am willing to seek counseling for my issues, and would like her to join me in MC.

She says it is too late. If I would have sought counseling on my own, it would be different. But now I am just doing it to get her back, and it therefore means less, and I will just revert back to my old ways after a year or two.

She kept asking me, "Why don't you just let me go?" "Why do you want me to stay with you and be miserable?" I repeat to her over and over that I could really use her support through IC, and we need MC. She seems to think I need to leave, get divorced from her, fix myself first, and then we would re-examine things. She kept saying, "People re-marry the ex-spouses all the time." "If we can't live without each other, we can get re-married."

So here I am. Alone, in a new city, no friends or family to talk to, wondering what the he77 happened to my once-together life.

Wow....


So to those here that have walked the road that I am staring down, what should I do? Should I move out and get an apartment here? Should I move back to Texas where we still own a house that is presently vacant? Should I stay and keep trying to talk her into going to counseling, or should I cut off all contact and make her miss me? Should I answer the phone if she calls from Hawaii?

We are Christians, but because of our schedules, have not regularly attended church in years. I am going tomorrow morning to try out one here. I so want to make thing right that I even told her I would give up my business, stop travelling, and get a JOB (I haven't had a boss in over 10 years) here locally if thats what it will take.

I feel so helpless.....

Thanks for listening to me. I really needed to tell someone my problems.


TM


PS Should I inform her family of my suspicions?

Welcome. I know this hurts right now, but it doesn't mean it is over, even if she is having an affair. Most of us on this board are survivors of affairs in our marriages, so it doesn't mean it is the end.

Start reading His Needs, Her Needs and Surviving the Affair. You need to start doing a plan a and you need to find out her needs.

My gut tells me she is having an affair. The time away, the Dr. friend. Did she talk about him a great deal and then stop talking about him. Does she have cell phone calls to him? Do not panic, your marriage can survive this. You married young and there will be ups and downs(I'm older). You need to get a support system in place, see a doc for antidepressants and something for sleep. Keep reading here and maybe you could do a phone conf. with Dr Harley. Hang in there. We're here for you.

Oh you're on zoloft, good. Maybe your anxiety is related to her change in behavior 2 years ago. Red flag-she changed then and I think it may have affected your relationship.

Well, I just finished a 3+ hour conversation with her, and I can now say that my D-Day is TODAY. She admitted to being in love with the Dr., and they are just "so compatible". Unlike me- who is dysfunctional, crazy, and too depressed... <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> . It seems that they have not become physical, but it is heading in that direction. I asked her what she thought about the potential for destroying the Dr's family, and she thought that he wouldn't let it go that far. In other words, she is willing to go that far, only he can be the one to stop it.

I am considering contacting the OM's wife. Since it is just a EA, do you think I should wait until I have more hard evidence (i.e. copies of e-mails or something) before contacting her?

It is absolutely amazing how the patterns of infidelity are so predictable. She thinks that she is different, and that she has found the perfect man. Maybe, one day, the fog will lift.

If you would have asked me a week and a half ago if I thought my wife could possibly be "in love" with somebody else, I would have thought you were insane. Sure, I didn't think everything was peaches and cream, but in love with someone else? Nah, not my W. I have felt very secure in our marriage from day 1, and trusted her implicitly.

Just goes to show that we are all very similar, all very flawed humans....


TM

Well, TM, sorry to hear it. But I was quite sure that she was having at least an EA. It's funny how they all think their "love" is different and special, but they are all the same. They almost go by a "WS Guide to Infidelity". They do and say the same things.

But luckily, you are way ahead in this game. You found this place before D-day, which is rather unusual. Please post on general questions where there is more traffic. In my opinion you should expose to the OM's wife, even though you don't have written proof.

She may not believe you, but she will have a "heads up", and be watching her husband.

Oh yes expose. I believe it is physical too. Be ready. She is being very typical. I hope for your and OM wife sake it is only EA, but I have been here far too long. They are lying thru their teeth. OK, keep reading. Now the recovery can begin. By the way, if she gives you any crap about the exposure tell her it was a shame that she has an inappropriate friendship. By the way, if OM is typical, he'll run to the hills to cover his butt and keep his family intact, do they have kids? Even more of a reason. Go for it. Blow the fantasy out of the water and call OM wife.

Yes, the OM has 1 child. I was thinking about calling the OM's wife tomorrow while he is away at work, so I could sit down with her and break it to her face-to-face.

As much as I would like to blame my WW for cheating, I feel very responsible for not providing a loving, caring environment in our home, so she would have no need to look elsewhere. She even went as far as to tell me that she has been praying for over a year for God to help her out of this marriage. She said she was hoping that I would run off with someone else - it would have been a relief to her.

I am heading out soon to buy SAA, and then to the gym...I haven't gone in over 4 years. I gotta start living like I am single and can't let my emotional state be dictated by my WW's actions.

Once she admitted the EA (I have suspicions that it is also a PA), I felt a sense of relief. I don't know why, you would think I would be insane right now, but I am amazingly calm and resolute.

I can only guess that the last week of constant reading here on MB and the books I purchased prepared me for the worst.

TM

Hi TM.

I am in a relationship with a medical resident as well. I learned a very hard lesson this year. I falsely thought that if I could keep myself very very busy with work and home while he was focused on residency that I wouldn't miss him as much. I spent all my time working to bring in the money (we all know there is not enough of that during residency). What I did not do was focus on meeting the EN of my H. I didn't even know that they existed!

He started pulling away from me gradually and became increasingly more withdrawn. As he did that I became more angry inside -- in my mind I was doing everything possible, taking care of the house, bills, earning extra money, etc. As I became more angry, I was doing more LB (I didn't know that was what they were at the time) which drove him further into W. The cycle is clear as I look back on it.

About 6 weeks ago, I decided someone had to change and it was me. I unknowingly did a plan A and he responded a little. But I knew something else was wrong. As it turns out he had been meeting a woman for drings for a month or so and they had kissed. (I will find how to do a link to my full story for you). I decided to stay in my M and keep it up and all is going superbly.

The moral of my story is Medical School/Residency is horrible for both parties. During this time try as hard as possible to meet all needs. You almost have to do a plan A the entire time of residency. With your wife, I suggest not moving out. My guess is that she loves you very much but forgot that she does. She will recognize everything that you have done for you when the time is right. You have to expose the A so that it goes away. Then she will begin to realize everything you have done.

Plan A works.

TM,

Do not move out! Can't do much from Texas. Alot of X's in Texas, right?

She admitted to being in love with the Dr., and they are just "so compatible".

Do tell the OM's wife. I think the above is all proof you need.

Then hunker down for the explosions that will come when she gets back.

Then Plan A your A$$ off.

BUT, I bet anything Dr. is going to drop her like a hot rock. That is why you have to expose.

Makes you wonder how many other residency doctoresses he has pursued. Or is he in residency too?

No, don't move out. Yes, tell his wife. Don't ask her to stay and be miserable...no one wants that...ask her to stay and have a great marriage. It is possible, and Marriage Builders principles can get you there. I know, because we did it. And while it was both of us who wanted to stay married, right from DDay, it was ME who struggled the most. NO WAY would I have stayed married if our marriage had not changed - so I sympathize with her point of view.

As for how to get there: click on the link in my signature line. The Plan A links in that link also discuss exposure. Exposure is the death knell of most affairs, because secrecy is the root on which they grow. If you cut a flower, it can still bloom if it is put in water, but only for a few days. Unfortunatly, most affairs have longer life-spans than cut flowers, but you get the idea.

TravellinMan

I'm a FWW and some months ago was in a fog like most. More my owm then for the OM but thats not relevant here. Fog is fog.

Ok I think you need to be prepared to find out the affair went to PA. If your descriptions of her actions are correct it just sounds so familar and is following the WW instuction manual page by page.

You must expose to the OM's wife and let her know you suspect it has gone to PA. There is no easy way to tell her this. But she deserves the same chance as you to save her M ...you could offer her the MB address perhaps.

Your ww will be ANGRY so be prepared, She will say all sorts of things like the M is really over, I can never forgive you blah blah blah turn the page on the manual .... just respond with something like I'm sorry to hear you feel like that etc etc, no arguments..VERY CALMLY.... she will go nuts that you are so caring and not yelling, again it starts the process of killing the A.

Now keep reading the info here, get the books because they help so much. Ask questions. lots of questions and we will all try to help you through this.

Dont move out, its hard to do Plan A if you aren't there!! REmember Plan A is not about being walked over it is about ending the A by fulfilling her en's, MB encourages you to set boundaries to prevent being walked over.

Good luck and go inform the OM's wife asap

Hey Travellin' Man! My sympathies are with you. You wrote:

If you would have asked me a week and a half ago if I thought my wife could possibly be "in love" with somebody else, I would have thought you were insane. Sure, I didn't think everything was peaches and cream, but in love with someone else? Nah, not my W. I have felt very secure in our marriage from day 1, and trusted her implicitly.

Yanno, that could have come out of my mouth with regard to my husband. He bolted out the front door with no warning on August 9th. Literally blindsided us. Came home from work, said "I'm leaving" and left. Well, four months of counseling, and much hard work (at least on my part) toward making this work, many, many instances where he has told me that he doesn't want a divorce, he loves me, but he just needs to live on his own ad nauseum, I find out that he's been having an almost obsessive EA with an ex-girlfriend of his. there's a story that revolves around this woman and his history with her, but suffice it to say that when I found out a year ago that he was calling and IMing her in OUR house, I told him it was unacceptable to me, as was his "friendship" with her, since she had attempted to break us up before we married. Hubby told me he wasn't giving her up for anyone. So I figured I had to live with it. He has always maintained that she was "just a friend."

Well. Last month I pulled his cell phone records, just for grins. During the past three months, (sept, oct, nov) my husband has spent a total of 40 hours on the telephone with this woman and has made over 300 calls to her. But she's "just a friend."

And still I put up with it because I thought it would work out. I really REALLY wanted it to work. I tried to convince myself that he really did think of her as "just a friend." Somehow, my natural cynicism prevented that.

The last straw happened yesterday. My husband asked me to have lunch with him. So he meets me at my office at 12:30 and we have a quick lunch because that's all my schedule will permit, and he drops me back off at 1:00. Before I get out of the car he hugs and kisses me and tells me that he loves me "so much." I went up to my office and checked his phone records, since I was unable to get ahold of him just prior to him arriving at my office. I had wanted to cancel, but couldn't get him to answer his phone.

Guess what? He'd been on the phone from 12:00 noon until he picked me up at 12:29. Then, after he dropped me off, he didn't even wait for the door to hit me in the butt before he picked up the phone and called her. I got out of the car at 1:00 and he dialed her number at 1:02 and talked to her for another 26 minutes. Then, last night, he yakked with her for 57 minutes and this morning before he went to work he yakked with her for another 34 minutes and then at 12:00 noon, he yakked with her for 14 minutes and then apparently tried to call her AGAIN at 1:36 but that call was only 1 minute, so I'm guessing she didn't answer.

Let's all say it out loud: USKA'S HUSBAND IS HAVING AN EMOTIONAL AFFAIR.

The lunchtime phone call to her was it for me. I phoned my attorney and told her to draw up divorce papers. This man has promised me and promised me and promised me that he'll work hard on our marriage, that he wants it to work, that he doesn't want a divorce, etc., barf, barf, barf. All lies. So I'm going to let him feel just how awful it is to be blindsided and to have your entire life ripped out from beneath you. I'm not going to try to ruin him financially, but I am asking for what is fair. My husband is a very wealthy man and is only getting wealthier. He's 35 years old and has an income over 6 figures, half of which he doesn't work for, since he's an officer of an S-corporation set up to handle the office rents from his dad's company. We pay taxes quarterly and guess who's responsible for paying all those taxes if he decides not to? You guessed it. Me. I make just under 30,000 per year. I pay out over 6,000 a year in taxes so that we don't get caught short each quarter. I pay out over 3,000 in insurance for me and my son. This means I take home 20,000 a year on which I now have to support a 15 year old boy, a mortgage payment of 975 a month, utilities of around $500 per month, and then the usual non-negotiable expenses, minor things - nothing really important - you know....FOOD!!! Gas for my car, fees for my son's activities, haircuts, whatever. I had to cancel my son's music lessons. My son is not my husband's son, so he won't be required to pay child support. I wish there were some way I could require him to pay my son punitive damages for extreme mental anguish.

Yanno what? I feel positively cleansed that I decided to do this. I feel like I've taken my power back and my self esteem can now come out of hiding. I regained control of my life instead of allowing TelephoneBoy to jerk me around like a puppet.

Travellin' Man, I know the pain, despair and confusion you are feeling right now. The best things you can do for yourself are what you're doing. Work out, get out of the house, DO SOMETHING. That's what you're doing. You'll come out of this okay. You'll carry scars, and you'll probably be a bit more wary of any subsequent relationship you embark upon. Just remember, your wife is not representative of the entire female gender, just as my husband is not representative of the entire male gender. I'm convinced there are good men out there, and I know there are good women, cuz I'm one of them. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Keep up the good work and anytime you feel down, or like you're going to pick up the phone to call her, just come out here instead and post your feelings on the board. I've been doing a bit of that and it works. This place helps a lot.

I hope and pray for your emotional healing. It'll come, just give it time. God has a plan for you and He'll reveal it when He's ready.

Usk.

Uska, thank you for your kind words. The sympathy and empathy that this board provides me is incredible.

I have had to leave town on a business trip, but it is amazing how my perspective has changed. I used to enjoy traveling, seeing different cities, watching people, etc. Now, all I think about is how all of this has kept me from interacting with my wife. Its almost like I have a newfound disdain for my travels. I think about all the time spent in hotels, airports, etc, and what I could have/should have been doing instead with my beautiful wife.

I know that this is my pain speaking, but why does it take such a huge smack in order to open our eyes? Why couldn't I have seen this coming a couple of years ago, and gotten into MC and changed the damaging behaviors then? Why did I not put our marriage first and foremost, d@mn the finances. I would rather be poor and back with my wife, than rich and divorced.

I feel so stupid.

TM

That is just it, we BS feel stupid (for the most part) because we were left out in the dark. It really hurts. It would have been so much better to have a spouce that was upfront with their feelings rather than blindsiding us. It will get better.