I don't think I'll be online for a while, and I just wanted everyone here to know. My H and I have begun to talk about things, and I'm at a real crossroads. I've been leaving him hanging for too long. I realize that he's probably too good for me, and I really screwed things up. The last straw was last night--he was really angry that I am not "over" things by now, and that I haven't gotten rid of things from the A (letters, pictures, etc.). I was thinking of destroying it all, but a small part of me wanted to keep it (for possible evidence--as suggested by an attorney, in case the FOW started any lawsuits).

I wanted to thank everyone for their advice. I know I've been stubborn, and even though things have gotten much better for my H and me, I think he's finally had it. I'm really depressed right now, and saw my therapist and I think I'm going to make another appt with her for tomorrow because I feel suicidal again. I know that I have to make a big decision--either I could have made a good attempt at my marriage again, or I could have left. I just don't know what to do...

CC

CC,

I think you KNOW what to do. It is time to look outward instead of inward and do something for the man you claim to love. His anger is a very clear indication that he is in more pain than you realize. I also recall we discussed the things you hung onto a long time ago. Well, now you know, he doesn't want them in the house and probably hasn't. You have pushed him by ignoring these things and you are now seeing the anger.

But, CC the anger is with the pain inside of him, not so much you. If you ever got off your rearend and gave even the consideration you would give a good friend, that was going through something this horrible, the anger would be much less.

CC talk with your therapist,but remember this is all in your hands. Your love for him will grow if you will ever open up enough to start caring about how he feels, what he thinks, and how is he is doing. You have NOT done that yet. It will change you more than you realize to see him as not your H but a human being with feelings and pain. He is first and foremost a human being in great pain.

Please think about this.

God Bless,

JL

JL,
I really appreciate your advice, but I thought keeping that stuff wasn't an issue with him (at least that's what he told me!). I had it out of sight. He brought it up last night, asking me if I ever got rid of it. I guess he thought we were making progress together, and that I'd want to get rid of it. I hadn't even thought about it! I told him the truth-that I had it put away for safe keeping. He told me that I was still "hanging onto" her and the stuff. I think that he's finally opening up, but it may be too late.

I'm giving him and our marriage my time and attention, which is why I can't be online too much. I'm also feeling really weak and depressed again. I guess I didn't see this one coming.

Thanks for your advice. I'll post when/if I'm able to. I'm just trying to be strong for my children right now. I've already taken too much time/attention away from them.

CC

?CC= <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" />
Why is your number one reason for feeling suicidal?
Is it the fact that your marriage is screw up? Or is it that you are still in love-or obssesed with this OW? Or perphaps that you are not sure about your sexuality?
Because, at the beginning we (WWs) feel sad, depressed, I think is normal, but then it subsides and you start to feel better about things. No matter if the marriage works or not, you have a better or more clear understanding of whats going on.
But I think in your case, you are still not sure of whats going on with yourself. You still dont know what you want. I am sure you still love your husband, but you dont know if thats what you want?
CC, you have to get rid of those things,because I am sure they affect you too. They dont let you move on and forget her. Everything around you, is a reminder of her.I am sure everything has a meaning in your heart <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" /> .
Dont feel bad because you had not advance so much since DD. YOu are different, we all are. It might take you longer to realize that she was not for you, and it was not going to work out.
Look around you, and see your children, see your husband, see what you have, what you could miss if you keep on this route of inmersing yourself in pity. At one time or the other I think we all feel sorry for what we lost, but as adults we have to realize whats right and whats wrong.
If you think going to your therapist is helping you, please do so. You cannot be handling this on your own. But also talk to your husband, talk to your children , if they are already aware of whats going on. Talk to us here, and tell us exactly whats hurting you inside so much!

Please take care of yourself.

MYRTA

CC,

You said </font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I guess I didn't see this one coming. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">CC the sad thing is that we did. Think of all of the posters to you and we all saw this coming, it had to come. It is good that it has come, now perhaps you will face things and decide what you want to do. No one puts up with being second best for very long and he has for a very long time. You have been pouting and focusing on why OW left you, while NOT focusing on him.

We could all see it. There is more coming CC but it can be overcome IF you decide to focus on those around you rather than yourself.

I wish you the best.

JL

Beautifully said JL.

CC, do you now see that by hanging onto her your H's pain never was a big enough issue to you. At least he felt that way. Please get rid of the stuff and show your H. that you do care. I know how I was feeling with my H. hanging on to his evil slut. So I know what it feels like to be in his shoes. That is what I meant that this is not about you anymore but about him. I am an advocate for your H. because I know what needs to be said and done. I wish so many times that my H. came to me and said, it was the stupiest thing I could ever do, I am soo sorry, I missed you so much and I used her to fill in the void that I was missing from you. But I never did hear those words. All I got was a phone call every hour on the hour about what the hell is he going to do without her. He said that to his own wife?

You know suicide is a permanent solution. You can never go back. Once it is done it is done. You have your kids that need you and think about how angry they will be if you choose to take away their mother. Do you want to do that to them? Isn't there enough pain in your family? They need you. You will get through this. Life is not over until God says it is. You may feel out of sorts right now but you will get through this. Hanging on to OW is not going to get you through this either. You H. needs you and you have got to be there for him. You need to pull yourself out.

You can always start now by giving your husband what he deserves. It is never too late.

What would OW have against you to sue you?

Maybe you should start to Plan A. your H? OK just a thought.

Ali~

<small>[ December 08, 2004, 04:59 PM: Message edited by: Ali88 ]</small>

Confused Cheater,
It is tough for a BH to see a spouse who "fence sits"

If my W was still in possession of "momentos", it would be an action that would speak louder than her words.

If your attorney did advise you to keep copies, put everything in an envelope. Seal it. Sign the seal and hand it to the attorney in the presence of your husband.

It would go along way with me.

Mac

I'm sorry to hear your H is so troubled by everything, but I have to admit that it's interesting that it took him so long. Until now, according to your descriptions, he's been a saint.

I must be naiive, but I can't think of a reason that your FOW would be suing you. Do former lovers routinely sue one another? This is a new one on me. Your holding onto the items as "evidence" seems rather transparent, IMO. But sealing them in an envelope and handing them over to an attorney in front of your H DOES sound like a feasible alternative if you HAVE to keep them.

Myrta brings up some excellent questions, IMO. To what do you attribute this unhappiness today?

Also, you may want to read back through some of your old posts. I recall a heated thread where you were warned that this could happen if you did not get rid of your memorabilia.

CC------How ARE YOU??? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" />

Please let us know how you doing???

MYRTA

Myrta,
Sorry if I worried you. I'm here, but not online a lot. Trying to work things out. I'll try to briefly answer your post (and others):

Yes, I feel very different, even here. I should be over things, but I'm not. I'm just beginning to see the damage that this has done. I haven't been too remorseful in the past because everyone has been TOO supportive (H and children). They wanted to just forget about it and move on, but I knew in the back of my head that that wasn't healthy.

I just feel a lot of pressure right now. I'm even hesitant to post, for fear of getting chewed out, which I cannot handle right now. I feel really on the edge. I had an emergency IC and then a phone consult with my therapist. I might go back in today too. I feel like everything's wrong and I can't make it right, so these suicidal feelings are overwhelming me right now. I'm guessing that it's not "normal" and I probably need to be on meds or have intense therapy. I don't know anything right now though.

I thank you for your support. I'm trying really hard just to hold on. It's a difficult time for me. I'll try to get back here and give an update when I can. I've already instructed my H (in case anything happens to me), to come on here and advise as well. Hopefully he will.

You know what? I can't go through the other posts on this thread right now. Sorry. To all whom posted: thanks, I guess, for the input. I know I had this coming, and that's probably what you all reminded me of. I'm the stupid one who had the A and made the mistake, and then I made the grave mistake of not being sorry enough to my H and kids, etc. My words will never mean enough to anyone, but I got my H's forgiveness as soon as I told him about it. I believe he had/has so much more to address, but he's forgiven me.

Even with everyone's forgiveness, I can't get over what I've done and what I've become. This hasn't been "me". I've been a good person my whole life. I don't know what I've become. I let a good friendship cross the line, and I don't know how or why. I screwed that up too. I lost her friendship and, yes, I still miss it and I miss her kids too. They'll all never know how much I cared. It's all too late.

Thanks for your support and for trying to help me. I'll be back when I can. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" />

P.S. I gave H my password to my AOL account and to all other messageboard accounts, so that he could read anything he wanted to. He might take me up on it.

CC,

I hope your H does come here and start reading so that the two of you can work TOGETHER on some of your issues. Good luck to you.

CC,

P.S. I gave H my password to my AOL account and to all other messageboard accounts, so that he could read anything he wanted to. He might take me up on it.

Hooray!!! Now you're making progress <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> ! Congratulations you're finally taking your first steps on the road to recovery. I'm glad his anger finally showed through. It was too dangerously quiet for too long. The more transparent you can be the more he will learn to trust you again. You have a lot work ahead of you. The road is hard and very bumpy but with your H's help you can get through this...together.

"You've taken your first step in a larger world."

CC....Please dont despair!! We all handle pressure differently. YOu are obviously more emotional, than most people. That does notmake you a bad person.
I know that the posts here can really be devastating some times. But dont let words from strangers get you so down..We are just here to give you input,ideas, suggestions. YOu are the only one that can really determined what will work or not.
Your marriage is not lost yet. It is obvious you have a great husband, that loves you and does not want to lose you. If thats what you also want, then everything will get better on time.
Just, dont bottle things up, talk to him, to your therapist, to us here. It will make you feel less overwhelmed with the problems you are facing.
Its good you are given him all the passwords to everything. Now, he knows you really mean what you said before. He will be more receptive to you and you to him, since you are more expose as a person.
Dont think that something will happen to you <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" /> .Nothing will happen to you, because you are too smart to let those horrible thoughts become actions. And that will not solve anything for your family, but make matter worst, especially for your children.
Just think that having the affair was the most complicated thing,the most enduring thing you could had done in your life. Anything that comes after, you shuold be able to handle it.
God does not give us things that we cannot handle. You will find the strenght to do what you have to do and stay sane, and healthy.

BEst wishes to you and your family!!

Myrta

Myrta,
I have tears in my eyes as I'm typing this. I can't thank you enough for the support and care that you've shown me. I can't explain why, 6 months later, I feel like I'm in such despair. Something more HAS to be going on with me. I'm just not up for the fight. I'm not up to working on anything. I'm ready to lay down and die. I'm tired and need a break from everything.

Obviously I had a bad day. I left my computer on so that my H could read anything he wanted to. I don't know if he had the time to venture anywhere yet. I'm not up to answering anything to him. Funny, I was hoping he'd question me and I was ready to share and talk for the past 6 months and now I'm not. I don't deserve him. I don't deserve my children either. When/if they find out about this A, it will confuse them and break their hearts, and probably make them hate me. I can't handle that.

I watched part of Oprah's show today about big mistakes you regret. While I thought the FOW was everything I dreamed about, I know that it was my biggest mistake. I was whole before I met her and now I feel doomed. I have everything I need right before me, and it's out of my grasp. I don't deserve it anyway....

Thanks again for everything you've given me. It hasn't gone unnoticed.

CC

CC-- What you have its called depression. YOu are very depressed, thats why you feel such despair. You need to be in anti=depressants to be able to handle your problems right now. Otherwise, you will get swallowed by it all. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" />

I also think I dont deserve my husband, but I am making everything possible in my hands to make myself deserving of him again. He has always been the greatest,best thing in my life and I put my marriage in jeopordy for such a loser!!! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Mad]" src="images/icons/mad.gif" />

I dont think your children should know what really happened,IMO!! That would be very hard to understand indeed. Unless you think you should tell them, you know them better than anyone.

I know my kids would hate me for life if they knew what I did to their dad. <img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" /> . SO, I am really scare of them finding out. My husband promised me that he will never tell them, if you ever get separated or divorced. But still, the thought is kind of scary.

You dont work? YOu stay home the whole day? If thats the case, maybe you should enroll in some classes, like yoga, or dance, or something like that to make you relax a bit. Even if you dont want to do it, force yourself to!!

Take care

Myrta

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by ConfusedCheater:
<strong> I don't deserve my children either. When/if they find out about this A, it will confuse them and break their hearts, and probably make them hate me. I can't handle that.

</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Why do you feel it is necessary to tell your children? Myrta is right; they will only see it as you betraying them and their father and nothing else. If you are there, working on your family and marriage, then you have nothing to be ashamed about now. Why destroy THEIR lives??


</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> I was whole before I met her </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I don't believe that, sorry. People who have affairs aren't "whole" and healthy people. Don't delude yourself into thinking that things went wrong AFTER your A ended. You're STILL blaming your OW for your issues.

I'm sorry, but the point of view you take is of someone that has been cheated on, not the person who did the cheating. As JL has said over and over again, start looking outside yourself. Your H has lost a heck of a lot more than you. It's a proven fact that if you can focus on others' needs, then you won't feel so down and sorry for yourself. It's impossible to do both. Please TRY.

CC AND Myrta,


THere is something you both need to hear and hear over and over again. Your H's did NOT deserve what you did to them...HOWEVER they both deserve you two and THEY get to decide that and they have.

It is not your call if you deserve your H's or not. It is their call and they are clearly saying that they want you in their lives, that they love you two, and that you ARE deserving of their love.

So please quit making judgements (Disrespectful Judgements) for your H's. The great beauty of love is that it is not about weights and balances and LOGIC. Both of your H's need you by their side and want you by their side.

That is why I was on Myrta so much when she first started posting and I have been on you CC. You are trying to make decisions for other people when it is their decision. THat is why CC I keep telling you to look outward toward your H. The answers lie there. Forgiveness lies there, love lies there, support lies there. CC look outward there is a lot to see.

God Bless,

JL

CC,
I am the father of three beautiful teenage girls. Unfortunately at least two of them know something of my wife's affair.

Both of them have had behavioral issues that can't just be chalked up to "teenagers".

Kids have a tough enough time in school with peer issues that they do not need to take on any additional burdens.

I don't know how old your kids are, but please don't tell them.
In your H's anger & despair he may want to say something, he shouldn't.

Maybe someday they need to know. Maybe before they marry themselves but they don't need to know now.

Mac

Just a quick update, while I'm STILL in tears. I don't plan on telling our children; neither does my H. It was just a fear of mine that they'd find out about the A one day.

Thank you for what you said. I know it should make sense to me, but honestly, right now nothing is making sense. I have overwhelming darkness in my life right now that I just want it all to lift. I know that I'd only be hurting my H more if I end things, but in one way I feel he'd be better off without me. He must be so disappointed in me anyway. He's just good at hiding it. I don't even know why he'd want me around anymore.

I haven't been focusing on him these past months; I've been focusing on what I'm missing and what I've lost, and I see that that's wrong. I'm selfish and stupid and I don't deserve him. Yet I can't stop the pain I'm in. I miss her; I miss depending on that friendship. I curse the day we stepped over the line. There's no going back though.

Thank you for your words. I'll be back when/if I'm able.

CC