I've read numerous posts on this board and it seems as if I could be writing a lot of them myself. I just have a few general questions and would like your opinions.
I found out on Monday about my husbands affair. I was not terribly surprised by it(but yet devastated at the same time), as our marriage has been falling apart for at least a couple years or more. In fact I told him a couple years ago that I didn't think I loved him anymore because all I felt was anger towards him. No sex for nearly a year. He says it was March. I don't even remember. We have two kids, the oldest is a 10 year old son with adhd. He is so mean to that child and it makes me so angry. He yells about everything and doesn't show love. I don't think he even loves him and our son feels so much pain because of it. Our daughter is 5 and she is honey this and honey that. He adores her.
I gave up caring how he treated me years ago. We have been married 12 years. My husband has very few friends. He is a very angry man and has been all his life. Evidence of that is reading his gradeschool report cards--notes on there from the teachers. I really have no idea at this point what made me fall in love with thim in the first place.
The person he had the affair with also has no close friends and doesn't trust men. They must have just been drawn to each other by that or something. She is a office manager at one of the places his company does work for. They've been sleeping together since end of summer, or so he says. I know he's known her for years.
I was devastated when I found out, although I'd suspected for months. He told me he could end it without much emotional attachment. I called her also and she said she was living with someone who she loved very much (for 8 years) and her and my husbands thing was a mistake and she'd back away.
How do I know that they really are going to discontinue seeing each other? We have had such a terrible year as my husband was laid off, then he got a DWI, then we had a house fire. Now Ive been very sick for over a month and no one knows what is wrong with me. Then a few days ago I find out about the affair. We have our first counseling appt set up for next week. We've agreed that we do love each other but are not in love with each other and we have so much at stake with our home and family, we should try to save the marriage. Any thoughts from anyone would be much appreciated. I'm not sure if I'm being blind or if I should just take the kids and get out. He's realized he's a terrible father and has been going to AA and getting couseling himself for the past couple months. I caught them in the affair - cell phones and text messaging ws the final confirmation.
thanks so much

Suzy,

I'm very sorry for your pain. I can relate to so much of what you wrote. We have a 4 yr. old who most likely has ADHD as well as speech delays and sensory issues. Although my H loves our child dearly, I think he mourns for the son he thought he would have.

I'm pretty new here myself, our D-Day was 7/6/04. My H met OW in school in April. They crossed the line with the flirting and phone calls beginning in early May and had sex once in June and again on D-Day. He didn't feel anything for her and walking away seemed pretty easy for him. (I could be a fool about that. Time will tell).

This board is slower on the weekends. You will get many warm and helpful welcoming responses. I understand what you say about your H being full of anger all of his life. That is me. I don't know why (maybe childhood trauma I've suppressed) but that anger was my role in the destruction of our M. My H's affair was his choice, but I can't deny that my 10 years of anger helped put our M in the vulnerable state that invited the A. My H said it had nothing to do with her. If not her, probably someone else. He was vulnerable and feeling unloved and unwanted, so eventually someone would have come along. We're lucky he didn't even like her, much less love her or things might have been far worse for us.

Since your H's OW lives with a man she professes to love that should work to your advantage. I don't know enough about the MB principals yet to say if you should tell her significant other or not. I don't know if you expose only if you think the A is still going on, or if you expose to make sure it ends. Others with more experience will offer you advice in that area. I did call the boyfriend of my H's OW, but he belived her when she said nothing happened and as far as I know, he is still with her or would be if she'd have him.

I know the devastation you're feeling. I couldn't eat or sleep. My stomach was a mess. I lost about 20 pounds in like 6 weeks. Try to take care of yourself. Don't make any quick decisions. I kicked my H out on D-Day, had the locks changed a day later and had a separation agreement drawn up by a lawyer on day three. You can't make life altering decisions when you're in the middle of that tornado. My H is back in the house with us and we're working on recovery. It does get better with the passage of time. It is a slow road. I agreed to give it 12 months of staying in the M and in counseling b/4 making any final decisions. I don't know if we will make it, but we're trying.

The 12 steps of AA should help your H deal with his anger and change his life if he works the steps and is committed to the program. I have a close friend in AA and the principals make a great deal of sense. Does your H have the Big Book? You should read about the 12 steps some time.

I wish you all of the best. Keep posting. You will find help and support here. -SNS

SNS - thank you so much for you reply. I appreciate it so much. You have given me some hope. Most days are so bad, yet we are making progress so that makes them so good. We really are getting closer but it still just hurts so much! When I look back a few months from now, I'm sure this will seem like such a fog.
Yes, he has that 12 step book and has been sharing it with me the past few days. Previously, I've paid no attention to his meetings and he hasn't previously offered any of his feelings toward it until now. He used to drink very strong Bacardi and Pepsi. He gave that up after the DWI, however still has a beer or to a couple nights per week. The other night he drank a bottle of wine. He is so different than when he was on the bacardi. For the better. On New Year's Eve we are going to dump all the alcohol in the house down the drain and not buy anymore.
I am wondering if he is still talking to OW. I don't think so but I can't help these sneaky feelings I have of checking the cell phone and so on. He has a cell phone for his job - even though he's laid off, he still has the phone. I know that he can still call her on that phone and I would have no idea unless I can get the boss to show me the bills. Sad isn't it?
Any other replies to this thread would be much appreciated. thanks everyone!!

Hi Suzy - Welcome. It is good that he is sharing the 12-step program with you. That will really help.

Start in Plan A here - you can read all about it on the link in my sig line. After you get the hang of it you can do other things to help your marriage.

Keep reading and posting until you have it all down.