My story...in the beginning of October, I found out that my H of 13 years was having an EA with a married co-worker. In addition to having an EA with her, he was also calling, e-mailing, & text messaging 3 other woman. According to him at the time, none of the other woman knew about the others. I was shocked to learn alot of the details in some respects. Don't get me wrong, I knew things had not been good in our marriage for a long time. My husband was in the military for 23 years. The last 5 years of our marriage have been particularly difficult ones. He did two back to back deployments with full work-ups, then went to shore-duty, where he started going to law-school part time in anticipation of retirement. Over the years, I began to get angrier and angrier at him, as it seemed to me that everything and everyone else was more important to him that me and the kids. We'd have fights and then things would be calm for awhile, but never really resolved. After he retired from the Navy, and graduated from law school, he received a job offer in Northern Va. We sat and talked about, and we decided that it would be best if the kids and I remained in our home for a nine month period, and he lived in an apt, in Northern Va., pending the sale of our house and other things. In retrospect, it was a big mistake to stay put, as that final year, really took a toil on our marriage. It is when the EA started with the co-worker. Stupidly, I thought when we moved to Northern Va., that things would be better, since we would all be together, and he wouldn't have the pressure of law school, finding a job. But..once we got here, it seemed that everything I said and did was wrong. He'd come home from work loaded for bear and would have a problem with me over the dumbiest things. Things he said to me, didn't make sense and so....I checked his cell phone and found all the text messages from the woman. I then got ahold of his cell phone records. In retrospect, I see that he was ripe for the affair. I'm not saying that it was my fault that he had an affair, but certainly I recognize my contributions that got us to the point we were at. I started IC to help me work on my anger and resentment. It has really helped, until last night. Last night he came home from his IC session and was talking to me. One of the things that I told him he needed to work on was being honest with himself. Stupidly I asked him when was the last time that you were totally honest with one person that you told that person the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth. I expected him to say, he couldn't remember. But....he said "I Told HER (meaning the OT) everything" I asked him if she knew about the other woman, and he said yes. So..."you mean to tell me you were not being honest with me, when you told me that none of the other woman knew about the others?" I told him, how terribly hurt I was to discover, that I was the only one that he was lying to. Then walked away. He ended up following me, and we had a terrible fight. I lost my temper and said things that I shouldn't have said. I have worked so hard in trying to remain calm and in control, and try to listen to him. But...I just plain lost it. Now we are back at square one, where he says he can't talk to me, and that he can't be totally open and honest with me, because of my reactions. I really blew it. I told him, that I was really sorry, this morning, but...I don't think it helped.

Ma,

Welcome! I am sorry that you are in such pain. You'll find a lot of good avice here.

Your feelings are pretty normal. I can't speak for others, but..I know that I have dealt with a lot of anger and sadness, and it's required a Herculean effort to keep from lashing out at times.

What is the current status of your husband's A? Is he still in contact with the OW? If so...what do you know about her? Have you thought about exposing the affair?

According to him, he contacted all the woman, all four of them, and told them he wouldn't be contacting them, or they could no longer contact him in any way, shape or form. I actually spoke to one of the woman, and she had no idea that he was having an affair with someone he worked with, and that she was one of the other three woman that he had been in contact with. Over the weekend, he admitted that he had been asking around about the one that he worked with, and found out that her and her husband were going on a cruise, which why she wasn't in work. I wanted to know why he cared, or was even asking, told him point blank that he sounded jealous to me. The one that he has been having an affair with, showed up at the Christmas party without her spouse, last Thur. He said he had no idea she would be there, and my WH did not point her out to me, so I still have no idea what she looks like, although I know her name, and her personal details. She made it a point, according to him, to get a drink, at the bar, where we were standing by, when there were 3 other bars in the room. Also, when it was time to leave, evidently she timed it so that she walked out the door with me, and got her coat at the same time. He even asked me, 3 days later, when he finally admitted she was there, if she had spoken to me. I didn't know she was there, and to be honest, she must have been so non-descrip, that she didn't stand out by her appearance or by what she was wearing. Heck she could have been a flower in the wallpaper for all I would have known. I have not contacted her husband. Her husband found out about the affair in Mar. and confronted her. She promised that it would end. But...my WH just went out and bought her a cell phone and paid the bill, so that they could still contact each other, without her husband knowing.

Ma,

Until the affair...it's going to be difficult to make any progress on your marriage.

Don't rely on your H to end it. He probably won't.

Take whatever steps YOU can to hasten its death. That means - expose. Get some contact info for this woman's husband and tell him all about it.

There are many, many people here who can attest to the power of exposure. In many cases, once an affair is brought to light, it withers away.