This might be a long one, so brace yourself.

I learned that my wife was having an affair in October. It had been going on for a little over 2 months. After learning about it I read Surviving An Affair and was determined to make my marriage work. I did everything I could to convince her that we should give our relationship a real try and work on our emotional needs. She agreed that she would say goodbye to her affair in one final meeting.

The day they were supposed to meet I couldn't help but get involved and decided to send her affair an email asking him to never contact her again after that last meeting. She found out about the email, became furious and moved into the basement bedroom. The meeting never took place that night because he got nervous after getting my email. Finally 2 days later she called him and told him it was over. Still very angry with me she said she was not ready to start working on us. She has stayed in the other bedroom since then.

Being very upset with the whole situation I ended up going out after work a few days later, got really drunk, and got my second DWI in a year (I've never been in trouble with the law in my life prior to these offenses). To her this was the final straw. She told me she is not willing to work on us. She continues to sleep in the basement while she looks for a job so she can move out.

I've been sober since the DWI (27 days now). I've entered a treatment program and am working hard to overcome my alcohol problem. I am a very high functioning alcoholic, and have NEVER been abusive. I realize that my alcoholism has caused her pain though, and I am trying my best to change my ways that have wronged her in the past.

Her counselor told her she needs to get out of the house for awhile to sort things out. Since she can't afford to move out, I suggested that she go up to my parents cabin for a week for some personal reflection.

Unfortunately, I have been unable to keep my nose out of her computer. I was aware that she placed an ad on Match.com - and because I know her passwords I was able to read the email correspondence she had on the site. She told me about her profile and then said she was going to remove it because the site gave her the creeps. I've since learned that before she removed her profile that she made contact with a few of the guys she found most interesting. After she left for the cabin I found one of her emails was with a Match.com person who happens to live in the same city as the cabin.

Last night she returned from the cabin and told me that one of the things she figured out while she was there is that she can NOT follow the "rule of protection" with me. She said I can not count on her to support me through treatment and that I should not trust her right now. This seemed odd, but when I thought about it I suspected that she dated (maybe spent the night with) this guy near the lake home.

Today I sent her an email asking if she would be home for dinner tonight, and if so I would make a meal for the whole family. She replied that she would be going out at 4:30 and that she may spend the night at one of her girlfriends houses. I sent her a kind note back telling her to have a good time and that I will look after the kids and get them off to school in the morning (I've been doing this for the past week).

After she left tonight my suspicions got the best of me, and I went on her computer to find remnents of the emails she had been trading with this guy from the cabin (emails sent today). Apparently thay had been together last weekend and now he would be driving into the cities today to meet her. Since she told me she isn't coming home tonight I am confident she is spending the night with him.

Here is where I need some advice. She lied about going out with her friends tonight and about sleeping at one of their houses. She has told me she can not follow the rule of protection with me. She is not spending time taking care of the kids.

Should I keep quiet about what I know, even though she lied about what she would be doing tonight? If so, how should I react to her tomorrow? How can I let her continue to live under the same roof when she is unwilling to be honest? I have told the kids about my alcohol problem, yet she seems to think we should protect them from the fact that Mommy doesn't love or care about Daddy anymore.

I need help. I want more than anything to repair and rebuild our marriage, but I have no idea how I should react to her the next time I see her. Any advice is welcome. I just don't know what to do next.

Thanks!

Welcome to marriagebuilders. You have found a great place to be under the circumstances.

Congratulations on getting help.

If you are in a 12-step program, you know that you have no control over what your wife is doing. She is going to do what she is going to do.

I would suggest reading all about Plan A here - check out the link in my sig line. Also make changes in yourself.

I think your wife is right, the children should be left out of it.

Take care of yourself and get the treatment you need to recover from alcohol.

As far as your wife, you can tell her that you know she lied, but I don't see how you can work on your marriage until you work on you. If she is unwilling to be faithful while you work on you, you still have to work on you. There is not much I can advise you to induce her to be faithful. That, has to come from within.