I just found out Sunday that my wife was having an affair with another woman. She had initially told me about a strange attraction she was having to a new friend who was gay. She talked to her counselor and to the friend and was agreed that they would continue friendship and if anything started to develop they would end the friendship.

My wife is a lonely person and needed a friend where she worked, and since she isn't gay and I didn't think anything would come of it, I allowed her to continue the relationship. As time went on, they became closer and the friend even spent time at our house playing cards, etc. My wife began to go out on her own quite a bit, sometimes with the friend sometimes with her church friends. Increasingly though, it would be with the gay friend.

I knew in my gut that something was going on. I confronted her three or four times and she denied it each time. She even made me feel bad for asking. I looked for evidence whenever possible but couldn't find any, until Sunday.

We had been struggling in our marriage and I had withdrawn emotionally. When she initially revealed the attraction, it really woke me up to my situation, and God began to work on my heart and gave me a fresh view of my wife. I began to give her the things she had asked for, openness, more affection, kind words, etc. She perceived this as me running scared and the resentment that had built up would not allow her to accept it.

I had booked a weekend get away for us without our two kids. It was the first time we had been out of town alone in four years. On Sunday morning while my wife was in the shower, I heard her phone beep with a text message. Something she had been doing incessantly over the last month. I looked at the phone to see who it was as if I didn't know. It was a message from the "friend" from the previous evening. Because of our location, the signal went in and out so the message didn't come through until morning. I put the phone back down, and then something inside told me to read the message. It was sexually explicit and I confronted my wife. She tried to lie her way out but she finally gave up and admitted it had been going on for two months.

I had told myself, and her that if it turned out anything was going on between them that I would probably leave. When confronted with the reality, I didn't want to.

She has agreed to break off contact. I allowed her one week at her request to maintain contact during lunch at work to maintain appearances. It is not something I wanted to do and it hurts a lot, but I did it to help ease her grief. I am not sure if I did the right thing. Tomorrow is the cut off date and I think she will be a mess. It is very hard to watch knowing why.

We are in counseling and are both committed. Strangely, I can see this opening doors for us to be closer than ever. I have always had trouble being completely open to anyone, including my wife, which has led to a great deal of loneliness for the both of us. But, that has all changed now. The idea of being totally open and honest with her is very pleasing to me.

That being said, I wake up in the middle of the night with panic attacks. I can't eat much and can't be alone in the house for any long period of time with panicing. With every thought of what they did, specific instances of lying, the brazen betrayal, including bringing this person into my house, playing with my children, my heart and stomach sink and I am in unbearable pain. I am trying to help my wife through her pain at the same time and it is hell. When will it get better? When will the thoughts of them together cease?

I'm sorry you have to be here, but I believe you can get some help in this forum.

1. Read, read, read. Read the basic concepts section off the front page of the site. It will help you understand some things you will need to know to start working on your Marriage.

2. Don't LB, Usually we get angry when people do such bad things to us. It is much easier to have her like you, and reconcile with you if you avoid LB's.

3. After you get a basic knowledge, get the books Surving An Affair, and His needs, Her Needs and read them.

4. Ask specific questions after you have some background. We are not pro's, we are fellow travelers, but we can help with some parts of your attempt to make it work. Remember that weekends, especially Holiday ones are slow, don't be alamred if you don't get quick responses to questions.

5. If there is any way at all, call the Harleys for phone counseling. They are good at what they do. If you don't believe you can do that, get local counseling for yourself, and H if he will go. It will help get to the bottom of why this happened and help to recover from it.

6. What you need most is time. It takes time for the pain to go away, it leaves gradually. It takes time for the love to grow strong again. It really can work.

Hope this helps some.

SS

Thanks for the reply.

I am familiar with His Needs, Her Needs. In fact, we were working throught the book while the affair was going on, but she was just going through the motions. Also, since I knew something wasn't right, I had been lurking on this forum for about a month.

Because of that, I already knew about her going through a grieving stage and it's a good thing I did because if not, I probably would not have reacted well to it. It really hurts to see her grieve over the end of something that has caused me so much pain. But, I have told her that I will support and protect her through the process.

I haven't felt/shown much anger to this point, at least not what I would expect. I'm worried that a few weeks down the road it's really going to hit me and I'll start lashing out. Any advice on how to deal with the anger productively?

Much has been said about it, I'll see what I can find, but It will take me a while. Leaving to go to my daughters band concert - get back when I can. Might not be until tomorrow.

SS

beginning again,

Sorry for what you're going through. I'm glad that you found this board. You'll hopefully find a lot of help and support here.

Just wanted to tell you that I'm a little familiar with your situation. I'm a FWW ("formerly wayward wife") who had an affair with a woman. The woman was not gay, and neither was I. This was a first time thing for both of us. We were friends, lived in different countries, but became increasingly close and those feelings transferred into a sexual, love relationship.

I wanted to tell you that your wife is going to need EXTRA support right now. Her situation (and mine) is very rare, even here. Not only is she going to be dealing with the withdrawal from the affair, but she's going to have some confusion about her sexual preference, and for that, you have to give her a lot more time and space. I'm STILL confused, and I'm at 7 months past D Day. I'm with my husband, and he's been very supportive and great.

If your wife wanted to come here and post or ask questions, I'd be glad to talk to her. I'm sure that a few other women here would talk to her also.

Good luck with things. PLEASE try to give her support, love and space. Don't think that you'll jump right back into a wonderful sexual place with her right away. She's probably guilty, sad and confused right now. She'll need a lot of support, and I'm sure you will too. The counseling is a great idea. I'm sure she'll come around, but she'll need lots of time.

CC

Today is the last day of contact for wife and OW. Wife got an email from OW and it was somewhat cold and made her angry. I think the fog is lifting a bit and she is starting to see the relationship in a truer light. Up until now, although she knew it was wrong and was sorry, she was still romanticizing the relationship somewhat. She told me how selfish the OW sounded in her email. That's when I told her that she shouldn't be surprised because the whole relationship was built on selfishness and deceit. I'm hoping that this will make it easier for her to get over and she won't continue to look back fondly regarding the intimacy experienced.

I also wrote the OW an email expressing my anger. I told her that I had treated her with respect and warmth, she had eaten my food, played with my children, and even laughed and joked with me all the while she was sleeping with my wife. I said it was bad enough when the other spouse is anonymous, but when you actually know them and spend time with them, what kind of person could do that?

I anticipated the excuse that if I had taken care of her needs, this wouldn't have happened. I said that that is the cheater's mantra. What they never see though, is that it is easy to meet one or two of someone's needs in the short term when things are new and exciting. Try committing to a lifetime of meeting ALL of someone's needs while dealing with their faults and insecurities, and negotiating getting your own needs met while your spouse deals with all your faults and insecurities. That is true intimacy.

It felt good to say those things and I think it will help with my closure.

beginning again,

Wow!! What you said about that letter was amazing! I cringed when I read it because my FOW and I did the same thing. Both she and I ate at each other's houses. We played with each other's children. We even bought each other's children MANY gifts and treated them as if they were our own children! She and I even became close to each other's husbands, earning their trust. Sick, I know! Actually, once in a while both she and I intermittently would feel very badly for lying to each other's spouses like that. It was a very awkward situation. All I can say is that we never sat around laughing behind their backs, saying, "Look at what we're getting away with! I'm sleeping with your husband's wife..." It wasn't like that at all. We were both deeply in the the midst of the A, and mainly thought about our own relationship and tried to justify it.

That's great that you wrote that letter. Maybe it'll help with the hurt that you're dealing with.

CC

Wow it is amazing how all these stories are pretty much the same.

My wife was not with another woman and that I am sure is a new curve but the story is essentially the same. It was guy at work who was "just a friend" but that never set well with me. My wife tells me I knew before she did that the relationship was heading the wrong way. I was never comfortable with it but tried to forbid her from spending time with him rather than let her know I was worried about her and us. There was also the denial up and down. "she could never to that to me and the kids and look herself in the mirror." It is all part of the affair fog. I got the not in love speach where I was told I damaged her too much for her to have a relationship for a long time. She faked counsiling as well. I stooped to levels I did not think I was capable of to find out the truth. PI's, spyware, phone taps. You name it I did it and lothed myself for it. I found out the truth about 10 days prior to confronting her. I couldnt expose her cause she was taking my daughter to NYC and I didnt want to ruin it. When she returned my kids would be at my in laws for a week. A perfect time to confront her and expose the OM to his wife. Some will not agree with this and I may now agree with that but it was part of my revenge (bad word)and tying up some loose ends to make it harder for him. Those 10 days I went through hell. I lost 20lbs didnt sleep almost lost my job. Went through so many emotions, I was a machine no longer human. In a way this delay helped me sort through the emotions and decide what was important to me...it was my family and she was a part of that and I was willing to fight for that.

Our marriage had become a ritual of avoidance. We had so much resentment we went out of the way to avoid each other. I never expected her to stay when I confronted her. Her MO has always been to flee. To my amazement she stayed. This is where the work began. It was also the beginning of her trip to hell. It is very difficult to understand the pain the WW goes through. Harley does it best by camparing it to an addiction. I liken it to a greiving process. Very similar to what I went through but in the end I get what I wanted and she is giving up a large part of her life and also a change in career in her case. I know that sounds strange but that is where the WS will eventually attack you. I have lost this and that and you have lost nothing. In fact no one is a winner. You have lost something very valuable and that is trust.

My wife went through withdrawl hard. I had to listen to the fog speak that this person was her sole mate and they planned to continue this until our children were old enough (2,7)
and then cast us aside. How I could never had or never could have the connection they did. He provided her with everything I couldnt. It is hell to watch them suffer but the words are like daggers. To watch them cry out of the blue knowing they are wanting the other person so bad while you are standing right there. There will be rages against you for doing this and causing the pain. I dont tell you this to scare you but rather to prepare you. The urge to battle back against these attacks will be overwhelming at times. You will think how could she blame me for this, why would she waste my life for her own selfish needs, did she ever think of the children, and why am I being blammed for the affair. These are all just questions but now is not the time for answers. You have to sit back and take it. Realize it is not a rational person you are dealing with. They are in a horrible state of grief.

My best advise is to listen to some of what she says and take a long hard look at what you have done wrong in your relationship. Focus on improving yourself and meeting her needs, and being a shoulder to cry on and know when to give space. Try to find out what this person was doing to meet these needs. Obviously you dont want to mimic them but take note and add your own flair. I am also not saying you take responsibility for the affair. It was a choice she made no one had a gun to her head. There were many options and she made a poor choice. If she is still there a part of her wants it to work. If your wife has withdrawl like mine there will be days you want to throw in the towel. This is the place to vent. People will give you advice. Some good some bad. Only you can travel your own road to recovery.

I am four months into this and are we cured. A resounding no. I still have bad days where I dwell on poor little me. I still have issues where I cant trust that she is really having a connection with me and maintaining no contact. I catch myself review cell phone bills etc. One of the biggest steps was taking all the taps off of everything. Harley says it is fine to do this but in order to heal I think you have to start trusting otherwise it will make you insane and get you no where. Kind of funny but I have not posted in almost two months and forgot my old login password. But yet I come out here because all of the sudden I am having some trust issues. She lied to me before will she do it again. I dont know but I know I will treat her with respect and not let the foolish doubt bring out anger and resentment. I will talk with her and let her know how I feel.

I am sure she still thinks of him. Dont you ever think of past loves. In time it becomes a passing thought but it is still a memory. This is why NC is SOOO important. The OM broke NC three times and my wife told me each time. The healing did not begin until the last time and she told me they said their good byes. She also went on AD (as did I) and those seem to help. It is important that she show emotion though. My wife tried to pretend for the first month but finally cracked in an explosive way. She then went on the meds and we continued counciling and are getting through it.

It is hard to believe but we both think it was a wonderful thing for our marriage and our family. We are all closer. We would never recommend it to anyone or want to go through it again but it has made us appreciate what we have and each other. That is what is usually missing. I initially told her I would never do anything like this to her. That is crap. Looking back I dont think I was too far behind before I would have strayed. It has caused me to examine a few relationships I have at work and I will keep them at work. I have seen how both sides of this can rip people apart. You can make it back from this.