On Monday I finally got confirmation of what deep down I have suspected for a long time. My wife is having an affair. We have been married 11 years, and have two sons, the first from her previous marriage.
She has in the past asked for a seperation and we have always decided that we would keep trying to make our marriage stronger. At the last of these incidents a few months ago I found this site in hopes of finding how to try to be a better H.
The last month for the most part seemed to be going very well. We were more affectionate towards each other.So I thought. She however I suspect was just having two relationships both with me and this other man still.
On many occaisions she has said she is going to go out with her girlfriends but I suspect mostly it was with this other man. The signs were definitely all there, These girlfriends never came to or called the house all communication was through her cell phone.
Many times when talking on her cell she would stop talking if I came into the room. On an occasission close to a year ago or so one Saturday evening we spent at home watching some movies together and having a couple cocktails she retired to the bedroom and when I went to see what she was doing she was on the phone cuddling up close to her I could hear that it was a man on the other line and confronted her with it. She insisted I was wrong and that it was a girlfriend. When i asked to have the phone and talk to the person she refused. Obviously this made me very angry. But in hopes of keeping the Marriage and family together as weeks went by it was put further back in my mind.
Well on Monday evening this occurred again I went to the store to pick up a couple of things and when I came back I went to see her to let her know that I was back and see what she was doing. I found that she was on her cell in front of the computer. I saw that she was putting some new casino game on the pc but noticed that she stopped talking on the cell while I was watching her do the game install. She asked if I needed to talk to her and I said no just looking at the game she was installing and asked who she was talking too. She told me it was one of the girls from work but the proceeded to to tell the person that she would have to call them back. At this I questioned why it was s he couldn't talk to a "girlfriend" with me standing there and so frustratingly <img border="0" title="" alt="[Mad]" src="images/icons/mad.gif" /> walked away. A short time later she came to me and told me she did not want to hurt me anymore. I asked if she was seeing someone her non answer confirmed to me finally what I think I knew all along but didn't want to face or believe.
I'm surprised looking back on all the suspicions that were there how much it hurts to be finally admitted too. <img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" />
My head is spinning as is hers I believe.
<img border="0" title="" alt="[Confused]" src="images/icons/confused.gif" />


DO I have the right and/or a need to expect answers to all questions?

How long has it been going on?
With Who?
Has it been one person or more?
Who else knew of the affair?
This last question I asked her last night but all she could say was that "Why do we need to bring anyone else into this?"
I feel I want to know so that if people that I considered friends or appeared to be friends knew and said nothing I want nothing to do with them.

I know there will be many questions I'll have when this initial shock wears. Should I expect answers too all? I don't really know at this point whether it makes a difference one way or the other. Not knowing may always bother me however having all questions answered may be just as bothersome. Spinning spinning spinning

<img border="0" title="" alt="[Confused]" src="images/icons/confused.gif" />

She has said she needs to see a counselor to find out why she does what she does. I think we both need that. So i was back to this site last night reading the " Surviving Infidelity" articles
I feel as though my commitment to her was for life and would love to be able to get past this but not sure how or even if we both will want too.
I would hate to break up our family but it cannot continue like this either. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Confused]" src="images/icons/confused.gif" />

Any feedback to my ramble will be greatly appreciated.

Happy holidays, don't forsee them being that way in our home.

Well tgryph,

I know exactly how you feel. My d day was July 1st this year. You will go thru a roller coaster ride like you never have before, but rest assured their will be an end to this. You will have a number of questions that you will want answered, but right now is not the time to be pressuring your wife about these. Yes I know that this is a lot easier said than done but you have to lay off. Be a friend and prove that you are better than the om.
I found out about my wife by snooping. I had that feeling and my feeling was correct. We have decided to work on our marriage and I have been working on myself. I caught my wife trying to contact the om twice and confronted her both times, she denied it both times until I proved it to her. This was very hard for me to get over and deal with, just another stumbling block for us to deal with. I have also been in contact with the om and we have discussed the affair, and he is married and says that he is working on his marriage.

I dont know if I have helped you much. If anything else remember that this their are a lot of people on this web site that have gone thru what you are going thru. Read all you can that seems to work for me.

Hello,

This is a problem when one goes into denial. You actually allowed this to continue by refusing to confront the issue. Now that it is in the open and it is clear that she has been having an affiar and putting your health at risk; it is time to take action. There must be consequences to her actions. All contact with the OM must cease immediately after having her send a no contact letter. If she refuses no contact then she should leave the home. It is absolutely crucial that she should not be allowed to continue the affair while she is living at home with you. No consequences to her actions equals no motivation to change. You must not enable her affair to continue. I wish you luck.

tgryph,
so so SO sorry you are here, but it's great to have this place isn't it ?

READ...read, read, and read.

By reading you'll be better prepared for the stuff coming down the pipe.

First off...yes...you have the right to ask any questions you want. You have a right to decide whether or not to stay in the marriage. You have a right to any and all requests necessary to prove there is no longer contact. You DON'T have the right to disrespect, yell, holler, scream, or threaten your wife. I tell you this only because I know these things happen. Both from experience, and history from being on the boards.

You are going to ride what we call the emotional rollercoaster from hell. It's going to throw you around like a rag doll..and you'll beg and plead for it to stop...and it just won't right now.

My suggestion to both you and your wife is to come here, for support. Friends and family won't do it...they don't know what you're going through..but we all do... including your wife...there are plenty of FWW here that will help her sort things out.

FIRST rule...I'm going to lay out for both of you...NO DECISIONS NOW...give yourselves at least 6 months to make any decisions.

Has she agreed to end contact with the OM ?

Is the OM married ?

We can help you both, we can help you, we can help her, but we can help...if you want us to.

I'm sorry again...because I remember all too well what you're feeling right now.

I promise you'll feel better in time...no matter what happens.

Be prepared for this to get worse before it gets better.

You've yet to reach the eye of this storm.

I'll check back with you shortly.

Hang in there...we're here for you.

Came home last night and my WW could see that I was in bad shape and the guilt overwhelmed her. I had asked her to please look at this sight, MB,
earlier in the day and she said she had. She had printed out the "admiration" description from EN section. She feels that I was not showing her the attention that she needed, and I can't say I argue with it. At times I know I get caught up in the day to day monotiny of life and take our marriage for granted. I know I have to work at this.
I showed her the "need to know" article from Dear Peggy.com that I found by reading another thread here. "When your ready you need to be able to answer my questions."
She read through it and said I could ask her questions If I wished.
So I found out who it was, my suspicion was correct.
Has been going on "on and off for three and a half years" ----that hurts whenever I say it
I know I had seen some signs of this and even asked her about it when I was sure there had to be something going on. But without proof ie catching them, or someone telling me what more was I to do if she wasn't going to admit to it.

I asked her why she finally decided to come clean. Did she want to end our M? fix our M? be with me or him?
She says that she is not sure she wants to be with either one of us but be alone and wallow in her shame. But also that she wants to fix our marriage if at all possible.
She says it is over and agrees to send the letter after I have seen it. Now a hard part as far as no contact. Yes they work at the same place. The OM works a night shift that she had worked when our children were younger and befriended him in that manner. I knew him from years earlier when I used to work at the same location when we were both on a day shift and had thought of him as a friend although certainly we were not close friends.
Her workplace earlier this month has been told that the building is being closed by the parent corp by summer 06 and that all work will be moved to two locations out of state and there is little chance at this point of any current workers being offered jobs at these locations. If she leaves she would lose her severence pay and potential performance bonuses. Plus the ability to have 4 years of schooling paid for.
She may be very limited in what her options are for future work with out this schooling I know. And not sure If we could do it without the financial support and still have enough left for our kids future education.
She believes that she can avoid him but I'm not sure if this is going to be possible.
She agreed to change her cell phone # such that he cannot call via that route. The home phone he certainly would still know but that did not seem to be a method of contact. I wonder if we should consider changing that as well?
Can she talk to her personnel people at work and put some type of no contact agreement in place from keeping him from that approach? Just thinking out loud.
How do we make sure if all this works that he is not brought into our lives via other people.
Should we tell others about our problems so they know what the reasons are why we do not want this to happen? Or is it best to keep it between the concerned parties only? To the point this OM has done some work with my WW's parents. How do we make sure he is no longer going to be able to do that without disclosing to my WW's parents the situation as to why they cannot contact him. My wife feels that if I feel the need to tell her parents that is okay with her no matter what the cosequences in their relationship.
I do not feel that this is something that I will do. If it is done she will have to be the one to do it.


Just got a call from my wife at work, obviously this is not going to be easy. The OM called her at work with some frivolous questions about his cell phone. She told him that it is over and that she could not have contact with him. I am very glad that she called and let me know. It definitely shows that she's being more honest and making an effort to end this thing. However it just brings into question how can we make sure he lets go even after she has told him about the no contact.

Thanks to those who have replied

Hello,

I am sorry for what you are going through. If the OM is married, it is essential that you contact the OM's spouse. This will stop him from contacting your wife and his wife will keep a close eye on him. If you do not do this then he will feel comfortable to continue hitting on your wife. The fact that this was going on for over 3 years indicates that he will probably just not walk away unless he has an incentive to do so. If he is single then there is a bigger problem.

OM is single or seperated. His M ended years ago I believe he has two kids. I did ask my WW if their A was the cause of his M breaking up. She said his was over before they became intimate. From what she says he was not faithful in his M and seperated from his W. Hard to believe Huh?

Hi,

You tell whoever needs to know in order to protect the marriage. If you don't want to tell her parents, then don't. If they call him for work they'd like to have done in the future, you can choose to tell them then.

If he has a wife, tell her now.

If you and your wife think that having the Human Resource person know will help, then tell that person.

Harley's advice is always that one of the other has to quit the job and leave the workplace if that is where they have contact. You are in a tenuous position. You are looking at another year of possible contact between your wife and OM. Can you handle that? Can your wife handle that?

My FWH worked at the same company as OW for 18 months following d-day. He made sure to be on a different shift and yet there was occassional contact at the workplace. While I was glad he told me about these contacts, he didn't always do so in the early days for fear of hurting me more. And I always found out, somehow, and it always took me back to square one.

The reason we survived is because my husband was trying to make our marriage work, too. I could see that. Looking back now, we would have healed a lot more quickly had he just quit that job and worked elsewhere. But we made it through. Perhaps you can, too. I say, "perhaps," because everyone is different. And there is always the possibility of the affair starting up again.

But what about that? Your wife says they were on-again-off-again over a period of years? Who shut it down? Her? Him? Why did it start back up? When an affair is uncovered the light shed on it changes everything. Your knowing might be all your wife needs to help her resolve to stay away from him.

You are early in all of this. Keep posting and we'll do what we can to help you see your way through this and come out with a better, stronger marriage.

~ Snow

Thanks for the info.
She would call it off out of guilt. But since we still were not adressing our own issues at home in a manner that was required when he would call her about needing her she would eventually return.
We are continuing to spend periods talking about it. I told her that I don't want to push too hard and that she needs to be able to be comfortable discussing the topics with honesty and to her credit she has been very cooperative so far. Since my last entry have ordered several of the recommended books for further help and insight.
Have to admit that the Holidays will be very tough but I think it will be a little easier than mentioned in my opening of this thread just because of my wife being willing to discuss the issue.