My wife told me about 6 weeks ago that she loved me but wasn't in love with me. We have been married 21 years and have 2 kids. This past week she had to go out of town for work. I discovered on Tuesday that she had arranged for an old high school friend to meet her. I checked the phone records and saw that they started talking about 2 months ago. I was shocked when I discovered who she was having a PA with. I didn't know what to do next. I found this site and have been reading everything. I decided that I would talk to her this morning about this. I sat her down and very calmly told her that I knew everything. I talked about the information I read here regarding affairs: why they happen, how long they last, emotions involved, etc. She asked me how I found out and I told her. Then she asked "how can you even want me?" I talked about unconditional love and forgiveness and that we can build a stronger marriage from this. I expected her to be angry that I had snooped around but she wasn't. She actually said she was shocked at how I was handling this. She asked me where I had gotten some of my information on affairs. I had a lot of errands to run today and she went with me. We even stopped for lunch. I was cheerful and didn't mention anything else about our earlier conversation. She seemed like she was sorta dazed but we did talk about general things. This is my question: Does this seem like a normal reaction and if so what do think I should expect next?

NH in NC,

Welcome to MB [Marriage Builders].

I´m very sorry that you have become another member in the club nobody should be a member of, but you have come to the right place to get the best information on saving and rebuilding marriages after an affair. While there is no guarantee that all marriages can be saved, following Dr Willard Harley Jr´s concepts and principles, will help you come out ahead no matter what happens to your marriage.

As far as whether or not this is normal behavior on the part of your WW [wayward wife] the answer depends on the level of maturity of the individuals involved [BH and WW] and the state of their marriage prior and during the time of the affair. The causes of affairs can be many, but according to Dr Willard Harley Jr some of the most common are the following:

1. Unfulfilled EN [Emotional Needs]. Dr Harley goes into detailed about EN in his book 'His Needs, Her Needs'.

2. Failure to take the BS feeligs into account. If the BS has shown inconsiderate behavior, the WS may sometimes feel that he/she has a right to return thoughtlesness with thoughtlesness by having an affair.

3. A lifestyle where spouses spend much of their leisure time apart from each other, and form leisure-time friendships with those of the opposite sex. A plan to avoid being away from each other overnight and making each other favorite leisure-time companions goes a long way toward creating a passionate marriage that is essentially affair-proof.

But whatever the causes, please get ahold of Dr Harley´s book 'Surviving An Affair' and avail yourself of the services of pro-marriage counseling such as the Marriage Builders Counseling Service. or Save Your Marriage Central. Either service will help you develop a plan to help save and rebuild your marriage.

We are not professionals but we can help give you emotional support during the tough times that almost always come whether its from the emotional rollercoaster the BS [You] goes through or from the withdrawl from the OP [Other Person] that the WS [your WW] goes through. Encourage your WW to please visit this site and read before posting, for it is not just for the BS but for the WS as well.

TMCM

It sounds like you're handling this very well. Let us know how this evolves over the next few days and we'll have a better grip on how your wife is doing. I'd have to say that it look like there may be some hope here. Wishing you the very best.

Hey, TMCM, don't forget #4: Inappropriate personal bondaries with members of the opposite sex.

NHiNC. Click on the link in my signature line for some of the best resources to use on your journey toward recovery. It includes some advice on picking a marriage counselor or coach, in case you choose not to use those recommended by TMCM (and I will second his advice, they are both good).

As for what is "normal"...well, everyone is different. Usually there is a lot more denial and lying on the part of the WS. To miss that is probably a good thing.

Here is the update since my last post. Sunday we went to Church together as a family. Came home and spent the day doing little things around the house. We we act like we're best friends but thats as far as it is going right now. Believe me I'm not complaining because a lot of people don't even have that. Monday was back to work no communication during the day with each other. Monday night she got home before me and had dinner ready. When we went to bed that night I asked her if she had any thoughts about her A or our R. She said she is confused. We talked about the resaon for the affair that obviously I wasn't meeting all her needs and she said she didn't want me to right now. She has very strong feelings for the OM and she doesn't know what to do. I know that he and his wife are only in a marriage of convenience for the kids. That's the way they both want it. The one good thing is that he lives 700 miles from here. W said she is not leaving to go to him and he is not leaving to come to her. Both feel the need to keep their families together. She said it was going to be hard on her and I didn't know if that meant during the holidays or what. She was getting a little upset at this point so I left her alone. Tuesdays she works from home and when I came home around lunch time, She asked if I would take her and D to lunch. I said sure and we enjoyed the time together. I am remaining positive and I have even been complimenting her at least once each day on how nice she looks. We do not say I love you to each other or have any physical contact. She is certain to say goodbye to me in the morning. I am confused about what to do next. I guess be patient and positive.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> I know that he and his wife are only in a marriage of convenience for the kids. That's the way they both want it </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">How do you know this? </font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> She has very strong feelings for the OM and she doesn't know what to do. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Ahhh... now things are becoming clear to me. Reread those Plan A posts in my signature line link, or read them if you haven't already, and start Plan A.

<small>[ December 22, 2004, 11:11 PM: Message edited by: johnh39 ]</small>