Today is such a hard day, probably the hardest in my life (that next to my mom telling me about her divorce with my dad). But anyway my husband has been "helping" an old school friend move to a new apartment. I knew from the get go that something was up. I'm not an idiot and I have a woman's intuition. The more I complained about him spending so much time with her the more he would. A lot of the time I would do just about anything to keep him home so he wouldn't be alone with her. I knew temptation is right in front of him. He would always say, "Oh just another day to help her get back on her feet"
I wouldnt like it but what could I do? I have confronted him MANY times in the last couple of months and he would deny so convincingly.

I kicked my husband out of the house because I caught him in another bad lie. He still denied an affair. So this morning, he came by to talk before he went to work. The night before I had come to this site an printed out a few pages for him to read. The pages were about honesty. He read them and for the very first time he admitted to the affair. I went into a rage of crying and hate and emotions I have never experienced before and I mutilated myself and had to be taken to the hospital by ambulance. My husband was screaming and crying but my emotional hurt was so much more painful than the cut.
I have dated my husband since I was 17 and lost my virginity with him. I am now 31 and have never been with anyone else and pride myself on my sexual cleanliness. It is so important to me. Now I feel used and I want payback. So my husband and I agreed to let me have an affair next and for the conditions to be the same as what I went through.
I am keeping my husband on a very short leash because the temptation is still there, so I am letting him spend the night here tonight. Maybe tomorrow we will go and he will tell her that it is OVER. He said he will definatly end the relationship, and I believe him for now. Why do I have to be one of those women who accept the adulterer back????!!! I never thought that I would if this happened. But I really do still love the fool. Love sucks!!! What do I do now? I am swarmed and tormented with images of them together. It makes me sick and I almost throw up. I can barely eat or sleep.

drowning -

Welcome to marriagebuilders. It is a great place to be under the circumstances. Most of us have been through the same thing you are going through now. It is extremely miserable at first, but does get better.

Please don't have your own affair. That won't help anything.

You might want to post on general questions, since there is more traffic there.

A revenge affair is a very bad idea - do you really want to descend to his level? It will hurt you more than it hurts him. As painful as the betrayal you have experienced is, it is not as bad as the way you have to twist your very soul in order to have an affair.

Although it may be hard to believe, you cannot only recover, you can have a far better marriage than before, and that honesty is the place to start. As Jesus says "the Truth shall set you free". He didn't mention in that passage that it can hurt like he!!. However, my wife's honesty was the beginning of our recovery.

Beyond that: </font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> You can recover. Many people have. It isn't easy, and not everyone succeeds, but as long as you are both working on it, your chances are close to 100%.

Do three things:

1.) Learn. The most important and helpful single source of information for my wife and I was "Surviving an Affair" by Willard Harley (hereinafter referred to as "SAA") available at the Bookstore, Amazon.com, and bookstores all over. SAA is THE best book on the market for helping one get to the root of "the message of the affair" (BUT YOU HAVE TO DO THE QUESTIONAIRES!). It (along with the Basic Concepts section of this site) is also helpful for giving you a vision of what a great marriage should look like. The approach of SAA to this problem is that the best defense against affairs is to have a great marriage. My wife said we had a good marriage, but she still had an affair. She was kidding herself, but it was not until we read SAA and saw what a great marriage should look like that we could clearly identify the problem areas and had the tools necessary to fix them. So that you can get started right away, while waiting for SAA to arrive in the mail, read everything in the Basic Concepts section of this site. Next, read all the Q&A's on infidelity on this site. They are found at How to Survive Infidelity

The phrase "the message of the affair" is from the book "Torn Asunder", by Carder (hereinafter referred to as "TA"). I personally think this is the best book on affair recovery we have read. In particular it deals with the two different paths the recovery of the betrayed spouse (BS) and the wayward spouse (WS) need to take, and deals w/ remorse in a way that I prefer to SAA. Read it together, if your spouse is willing. If not, go through it yourself. If you or your spouse has issues with control, you might also want to read "The State of Affairs", (SOA) by Todd Mulliken, which also treats the remorse issue similarly to TA. SOA also deals with "the vision thing" for marriage, which is neglected in SAA.

2.) See a marriage counselor. This is hard. You need help. These boards are populated by amateurs. MC?s are professionals. There is a difference. They can help deal with issues the books don't cover, and customize things to your individual situation. That said, there are lots of bad MC's in the world. Read, and take to heart, How To Find A Good Marriage Counselor. You do not want an MC that is going to teach you how to live with an awful spouse, or how to adjust to divorce. Too many of them do, as is documented here: Hazardous Counseling. Reading that link may scare you off counseling, but it should give you some good ideas to ask a potential MC before you start w/ them, so you can avoid those that give you the wrong answers. You need one that is committed to helping couples have great marriages, and knows how to do that.

You are on an emotional rollercoaster right now, and there will be times that you will think it would be best to just divorce your spouse and go on with your life. Though there are no guarantees, recovery IS possible, but it takes time and effort. You will hate yourself if you don't do everything you can to make that happen. Give yourself the time you need.

3.) I understand that you may not be a person of faith, but for me, getting my spiritual life in order was crucial. As I said, this is hard. I knew I would need all the help I could get. Repenting of the habitual sins in my life let me stop pushing God away so I could hold on for dear life. I had to humble myself and ask Him what I had done wrong, and what I could do to be the husband He wanted me to be for his child, my wife. This was not about blaming myself. It was about doing what I could to do my part in having a great marriage. My wife could participate or not, but I had to know I had done everything I could do. It also helped me to let go of thinking about what SHE needed to do, since I couldn't control her, anyway.

You might also want to read through: WAT's Quick Start Guidelines for Betrayed Spouses, but keep in mind that these are the writings of amateurs. Get the books, read the articles, and see a GOOD counselor - you need the best help you can get.

Of course, that is just my opinions and what worked for me, who experienced it once, first hand. Harley, who has helped HUNDREDS of couples through this process, lays out his program in the following link: How to Survive Infidelity You will find that I mostly followed his plan. It works. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">

Dear E.D.

I know you are hurting and the pain is unbearable at this point. But having an Affair is not going to make it better between the two of you. It will make it worse. You will be hurting yourself and some creep that you end up with. Why take a chance on a some sort of STD?
I wanted to have an affair myself, but I looked at all the consequences out there and they out weighed the pro's. Yes it would feel good for the time. But afterwards? Is it a competitive thing?

I have been with my husband since I was 18 and I am 34 now. Though I did not loose my virginity to him, I felt connected to him that I have never felt before. We had a break up and I dated a very hot guy and the sexual connection was not there. So think about all that you have to loose before you go ahead and decide to sleep with some "stranger" and risk your life.

We understand the pain and humiliation. Most of us feel that way. But the best thing for you to do is start talking with your husband and seek counseling right away. Self destruction will not help you or make your husband feel guilty. It will have the opposite effect.

Come here and post your feelings. We will help you get through this. But you are going to feel a lot of emotional pain as you feel that your life is on a roller coaster.

I suggest you also start reading books on relationships and Affairs to help you understand your feelings and your H. behavior.

Ali~

ED,
I feel for you. I found out about my husband's affair this past weekend. The story is posted on Emotional Needs. I woke up today with my stomach in knots and nauseated at 2:30 a.m.!

I, too, lost my virginity to my husband at 18,, we were married at 19 and we've been married 20 years. The irony is that I am not that angry overall with him about the affair because I considered having an affair myself a year ago. Hurt, Anxious and even physically sick at times - YES. I can't even describe the depth of it and it comes in waves that I can't even explain. I know the fact that I did not have an affair ever sets us apart. Our joint emotional needs have been unmet for years and I don't know if we'll be able to recover. I'd say right now there is only a small chance of it. He is moving out right after Christmas to a nearby apt. so he can be close to our 3 small children (we started having kids late). Despite the fact I think he is still a good man, under no circumstances will I invite him back into my life as a partner unless I feel he loves me like a wife and desires me. Right now, he does not desire me - probably in large part to the affair (which as best I can tell is more of a fling but I think he plans to continue it after he moves out. Thankfully, she is in another state)but also because he has years of pent-up emotions barring the path. I had been trying to light a fire under our sex life in recent months - too late I guess. I am getting tested for STD today at my GYN- despite the fact my husband says I don't need to worry about it. How can he know this woman's sexual history without a doubt? When I asked if they had unprotected sex, he did not answer so that tells me yes.

My current plan is to get through the holidays, find some small measure of joy through my childrens' eyes, get back into church, drop 15 lbs. and get into the best shape I can for me and to show him I'm not going to let myself go downhill and I can look better than HER - even though I have no idea what she looks like. And, most important, be the best Mom I can and not try to diminish the strong relationship my children have with their father.

Guess I had a lot on my mind! ED: Please, please devise a plan to get yourself through this time and consider that you might need some space away from your husband to heal.