i just found out my wife has been cheating on me with a long time friend of hers...it has been going on the past 3 or 4 summers. i am crushed sick to my stomach and confused. i thought we were happy...we always did a lot of stuff together...she tried to lie about it when i found out...but the true came out after many many fight over several days...i caught on on-going affair..the pain i feel is unbearable...she says she is sorry...she says she does not know why she did...she said she wants to stay together and work things out...I just can't get over all the lies and the amount of commication my wify had with this man...i found out they have been emailing each other weekly and when she went to see her sister in another state i found she was calling and meeting her...help

Dear Andrew!

I will first validate your pain. What you are experiencing is at least equivalent to the death of a close one. So don't fight the grief and the pain. These raw feelings have to run their course.

In this site there are many articles and stuff about what to do in your situation. If she is repentant and wants to rebuild you marriage that is good. You then have options. You have the right to divorce (D), both from the bible and from the common law. But, do not make any important decisions in your present pain. You can always D her later. It is much harder to undo a D.
Stay with your wife for now. The situation is better then you feel right now.

A natural response to the immense pain you now feel is to lash out against her with angry and disrespectful words. While this feels right to you now, you will probably regret this later on. And it hurts the chances of recovering the Marriage (M).
When you feel you are going to burst with angry and disrespectful statements, love busters (LB's), create some distance by going for a walk or something. Please use "I statements" like "I am hurt" rather then "you are" statements.

You most likely will feel the need to talk about the betrayal every moment you are together. You will need to know what happened, why and how coud she. And you will feel very insecure about her love and her commitment to you. So you ask ask ask and ask again. The same questions pour out of you again and again. This you need to process this disaster. But for her this is strangulating. Schedule times for talks, and keep the schedule. Lat there be safe periods where all relationship talk is banned. Keep then a notebook at hand and write the questions there. Otherwise it may be difficult not to pour them out over her.

Get these books: Thorn Asunder. Surviving an Affair by W. Harley (can be ordered from Marriage builder’s site), and perhaps: "Love must be though". These books are complimentary and give you a great understanding of what is going on in you (No you are not insane!), in the M, and in your WW (wayward wife). If she is willing to work on the M with you it would be a great idea to read the books together.You can then discuss each section as it is read and relate it to hers and yours feelings. Also do the exercises in the books. They are useful.
I will suggest the "Thorn asunder" as the first book.

I good pro M councillor is highly recommended. But, a lot of councillors are not pro M. You can find in this site how to choose a good councillor.

Last point: Your WW's bad choices have brought you where you are now. But be careful at how you interpret her actions and choices.
It is very natural for the BS (betrayed spouse) to take everything personally. But the brain of the WS is a soup of hormones and does operate in a rather weird way. It is very likely that she did not have you in her mind in any way during her bad choices.

That means, despite her actions, she does not regard you as an inferior lover or man. You were just at that time not a part of the equitation at all. Sorry! But that means you should not read any rejection into her actions. (Difficult not to!!)

God bless you friend!

<small>[ December 22, 2004, 07:51 AM: Message edited by: Frank57 ]</small>

I am so sorry for your pain. To have this continue over 3 to 4 Summers is very sad. I would contact the OM's wife immediately if he is married. Exposure is critical. Please do not accept her comment that she didn't know why she continued to have an affair for the past 4 Summers and put your health at risk. She deliberately made choices to lie and betray you and she knows why. Marriage counseling is a must. A no contact letter should be sent immediately to the OM and all communications must cease. No consequences to her actions equals no motivation to change. From the sound of your message, it sounds like she was sorry she was caught rather than she was sorry she cheated on you for the past 4 Summers. Ask her how she would be feeling if the roles were reversed? I wish you luck.

Andrew,
Frank gave you some good thoughts. Let me reinforce one concept.

Affairs are rarely about the BS. They are about the WS and their emotional problems and low self-esteem issues.

That's not to say that the WS didn't in their mind create the case as to how they could rationalize the behavior. They typically villify the BS.

Both parties contribute to the pre-affair state of marriage that may have created the atmosphere in which an affair could bloom. Alot of time we men aren't even aware of it. Especially thoise of us married to conflict avoiders who expect us to telepathically pick up on their feelings.

So don't take it personally. I know that my last statement sounds crazy but it is true. I know in you current mental state it is difficult put into action. Keep telling yourself "It's not about me. It's not about me."

I remember exactly how you feel. Force yourself to look at the posatives. Your wife wants to stay and work things out. There are hundreds of BS here at MB who would have liked the oppurtunity to attempt reconciliation but their WS walked out the door on DDay.

What is she prepared to do to work on the marriage? Is she familiar with the MB concepts? Is she willing to give up all contact with the OM? Is she willing to answer all your questions in order to begin the restoration of some semblence of trust? Is she willing to go to IC and/or MC?

What are you willing to do? Are you willing to examine your marriage? Are you willing to give it some time be4 making any decisions that are life altering?

Go buy Surviving an Affair today.

It'll give you an action plan. What;s the old saying about not having a prayer if you don't have a plaqn??

Mac

Ajb1

I am a FWW and I have to say that from my experience what I have read and spoken to others in the same sit, I ahve to agree that most affairs are about us he WS not the BS.

I have to admit I had NO inention of damaging my H and causing hurt to him and our M, he just NEVER came up on the radar at the moments of the affair. It was vry much about MY issues not his or our M at all. Purely selfishness, nothing but.

It was very much like placing them in 2 boxes. here on the left is the OM and that thing we have and here on the right is my H & family , they dont mix, they didnt cross over I THOUGHT into each other.

It was a strange state of thinking and I cannot fathom that that person was me, but it was.

I do think that from your post she had no intention of stopping at all, like most of us in fact. It takes on alife of it's own.

First thing is to make sure the A is over for good. Has she sent the OM a NC letter? It means you & she can never have contact again with OM. That friendship is now over for good.

Once that is done you can expect a number of things, withdrawal behaviour from your W - she will be missing the OM, she won't want anything from you right now, she will say A lot of strange things, blame you for everything most likely and so on.

Read the books as suggested to get a good understanding of this process and what you can do.

Remember to vent here & ask as many questions as you want as well.