i felt my wife and i were best friend,,,solemates until we died...i'm so confused and the pain his so real and it hurts so bad..i can't sleep or eat..i just can't beilve what happened. since my wife was lieing so much when i confronter her i felt to have some control over the situation i call the other man several times to get his version...and later i called his wife who thanked me for telling her and provided me more details of the affair...the trust and the details really hurts...after days of fighting...she even called the police on me one night because she feared her life..i was just so upset...more details came out...she says she his very sorry...she does not know why this hapened...she says it was part me...i will take some blane but what she did was wrong and she could have talked to me...i feel like nothing will ever be the same...we have two wonderful children together and we are going to counseling too....she was so mad i called the other man...she even went behind my back and emailed him that i might call and said she was sorry to him for me caling...i cant even understand why she sorry that i called him...how can anything be the same again...itjust happened too many times over too long of a period....help

andrew

Sorry that you find yourself in such pain, and that you have a need to be here at the MB forums, but.... there is not a better place to be when you find infidelity has infected your marriage.

First and foremost... purchase and read Surviving an Affair. It's critical that you do this. This book will give you information regarding the dynamics of an affair and how marriages become vulnerable.

It will help you identify any actions you may, OR MAY NOT, have done which let your wife justify having an affair. This is NOT to say the affair was your fault, not at all, but you may have played some part in your marriage being vulnerable, that's all.

Getting the book is critical, and until you get it, you can read around this website, starting at the home page. Read about exposure and Plan A, which is where you will start, but please don't do much of anything until you've read the book. Your instincts will often lead you in the wrong direction, leading you to do more damage than good in trying to rebuild your marriage.

Stick around and post here, as there are some truly wonderful people who will offer assistance. You can survive all of this, and come out on the other side with a better, stronger marriage.

Best Holiday Wishes
SD

<small>[ December 19, 2004, 10:01 AM: Message edited by: shattered dreams ]</small>

Welcome to marriagebuilders. It is a good place to be under the circumstances. We all started out miserable just like you. But things to get much better.

Stay in Plan A, and try to settle down. We will help you through this awful time.

Andrew,
Sorry you find yourself hear at MB. I, too, am a BH.

First thing to do is to try and relax. I know probably impossible, but you can exercise to relieve the extra stress.

Part of the relaxing is to try and create an atmosphere of calmness at the house.

First thing is to stop saying the "D" word. It is a threat that is used to express your anger. The problem is the mnore you say it the more likely it will happen.

You need to understand that right now you are very hurt and angry over the affiar. This is not a good time for you to be making lifelong decisions about your marriage. At your stage I was very emotional. I created more drama than I should have which just made a bad situation worse. When you catch yourself escalating things is calling her the sl*t word, think to yourself "STOP the DRAMA."

Maybe once some calm has been restored and you and the wife have attempted recovery you can have some perspective.

Each person is different but you really won't feel better about your situation for at least 6 months.

Part of theat depends on you and part of it depends on how your wife reacts.

Shattered is correct. You are not to blame for the affair. That is something that your wife is completely responsible for. She made the bad choices that put herself in "harm's way".

You and your wife are, however, responsible for the state of your marrtiage prior to the affair.

The issues in the marriage are how your wife rationalized that it was OK to have her buddy.

My wife's OM was a long lost friend from the past. They thought they were soul mates. Hey soulmates is when you get up in the morning for 20 years and look at your wife and you still want to do it for another 20 years. LOL.

The others are right go by Surviving an Affair. It will help you understand what your wife is going thru. She was upset that you called OM & his W. That's bc she is still protecting him.

She will probably go thru a withdrawal from him. She'll blame you for all of this.Life won't be fun for awhile. It's up to you to read all on this site and be the one to guide the two of you thru this.

One thing your wife needs to do if she wants to work on the marriage is agree to no contact (NC)with the OM. She needs to send a NC letter. The OM's W can help nonitor the NC.

NC means no in person chats, no phone calls, no e-mails, no nothing. IMPORTANT: She should not end the affair by any other means. She especially should not go see him. There'll be too much emotion. They'll say that they are soul mates, but they must be true to their vows. They may promise to check in when the kids are older. They may even have one last fling.

Her agreeing to go NC will be the first attept at restoring the trust that is chattered. She amy have relapses so be ready for them.

Anyway get the book SAA today.

Mac

Andrew, i'm so sorry you have had to find yourself here.

My wife's affair went on for three years, during which time she called me "The Greatest Husband in the World".

I know it seems unlikely at this point, but you can rebuild your marrige into one that is better than it was before. I know, because my wife and I did it. The best resources we found to help us on that journey are collected in the link in my signature line. Please click and read.

Andrew,
How are you doing?

Give an update if you feel like it.

Have you bought any of the suggested books?

Mac

i want to thank everyone for responding. thanks cwmac abd frank57 and everyone else. any more advise would be greatly appreciated.its been about a month. we had many many knock down verbal fights...We have been to a counselor 3 times and plan to go again. i want to say things are slightly better...since we fight a lot we end up writting how we feel...she has written to me on several times that she is sorry and that she loves me and wants to grow old with me...she says she dos not know why she did it...she told me she fell for a dumb line and it made her feel good about herself..she can give more reasons why without talking more to a counselor. she willing to renew our vows...she confessed her sins tface to face with a priest...she going to church now too..she says she wants us back again they way we use to be...she tell me i'm her knight in shinning armore. we still keep fighting because i keepn bring up the affair...my problem is a keep asking questions on every detail...even waking her up in the middle of the night if a question came to my mind...i know thats wrong...i still feel things will never be the same..we are still fighting a lot..if i don't say anything about the affair things are pretty normal...she tries to come to me and hug me and i don't really respond..we are having sex maybe more now than ever..maybe that's an escape or our only way to connect...we always had a good sex life...i feel she is truly sorry, but i can't let it go..help with any advise...my emotions go from a matter of fact that it happened to swinging the other way with full rage and anger...it just hard for me to know she was with someone else...she has her bags packed ready to leave everytime we fight...she tries to leave and i block the door and will not let her...i'm still confused what i want ...any thoughts

Hello,

It sounds like you are going through so much. Actually I have a general question for you since you and other bring it up and that is about renewing your vows. I must be a simpleton because I do not understand this. Apparently the original vows had no significant meaning to the cheating spouse and were broken by her. Why then would renewing the vows again have any more meaning than the original vows which were broken?

andrew,

It's natural that you want to know. If you read the articles here or the book, "Surviving An Affair", that is one of the requirements of healing is that you get honest answers for everything you want to know.

There is a limit to what you can take however. Make sure that you're able to control your anger or, stop asking questions. If you punish your wife for being honest you will push her away. You don't need to know everything all in one session; just let it come out at the pace that you're able to handle.

It sounds like you're on the right path. Read and learn from the articles on this site. You are very lucky that you're wife wants to put this behind her and to move forward towards a better marriage.

You might want to purchase "Surviving An Affair" or borrow it from a library if available.

to ansewer the question about renewing vows...i don't even know we will do that...it's way too early for that...you are right about what everything you said...the only thing i can say is we took our original vows 17 years ago...and i guess we grew somewhat apart the last 3 years...i least from her perpective...if we...or thould i say me decide to work on our marriage then that would be a good step to start over and dedicate our lives to each other again...but i don't know if we will even to that...but it's a start...i'm still in much pain...and still very confused

andrew,

You are going through the exact same thing I did when I found out about my wife's A. It was just recently.

" felt my wife and i were best friend,,,solemates until we died...i'm so confused and the pain his so real and it hurts so bad..i can't sleep or eat.."

The pain seemed to much to bear at times. I was torn between D and not wanting to lose her.

From what you say your wife has said. I believe you will find that she is truly remorseful.

Hang in there for now and read all you can here. Your W may not be interested in joining you right now but give her some time and space to realize what has happened to her and you.

It's awful isn't it, the A. But I'm really sure you guys can make it.

As for the more sex and renewed marriage vows. Same thing here. I sincerely believe our WW don't want to lose us.

Try not to punish her for it to much, you know you do love her. Give her a chance to make it right.