Okay, I will try to make what is a really long story some what short.

My husband met another woman on 10/29/04. He is in the Army and was away at the time. He came home on 11/8/04. The ONLY reason he met her was b/c he thought I was cheating on him. I was not cheating on him. I work full time and was raising two kids, ages 5 and 2 all by myself. Plus, I started working out and losted 15lbs (of fat) gained lean muscle during the 2 1/2 months he was gone. So they had roughly 8 days together. Thanks to our cell phone bill, I see they have been talking. Mostly it is my husband who calls her. Of course I was upset. We have been together on and off for 9 years and married 3 years. I thought maybe things died down between them b/c the calls are less and less, but then I read a text message he sent her. It said *Hi I'm sick wish you were here or at least I could hear your voice but she is home so I can't call you. I miss you and I love you.* OMG! You cannot fall in love with someone that fast. I have been treating my husband like a king. He is still sleeping with me too. I started going to counselling by myself b/c I feel like my life is falling apart and I've brought it upon myself. Thankfully the other woman lives a few states away. I don't want to lose him. But I feel like I am losing the fight. Btw she knows about me. When I first found out they were talking I called her. Any advice or commemnts will help. Thanks!

Hi mom,

Welcome to the forum....this sure is a crummy time to be in your sitch....I'm so sorry chere.

It sounds like the OW is single? Does she live with her parents? or alone? Have you confronted your husband with the information that you know he hasn't ended contact.

Please take the time to Read about Plan A and B on the homesite. Once you've done that, you can begin to fill in more details and ask some questions. My guess is that things are going to get slow over the holidays....and the board is going to shut down for a couple of days for maintenance....but hang in there. I saw you also posted on GQII....that's a much more active board so that's a good idea.

Sorry you're hurting.

Hi,
I am also very new on this site - and dont quite feel comfortable giving advice as I need it myself and also looking up to others to give me some advice. But I would like to know whether you confronted your husband about this, is he remorsefull, does he want to work at the marriage or is he very keen to take the next step which is divorce?
All I can really tell you is that you have found the best site - I have spent all morning reading through posts and this is going to sound very ugly but I am glad to see there are ppl out there going through the same thing (and I mean this by saying that I can talk to ppl who knows what I am talking about)
I found out 2 weeks ago that my H was messing around with my brothers fiancee, this was a big shock to me as she was one of my closest friends, H moved out, I wanted a D, but he wouldn't let go. He moved back 2 days ago and I am finding it very hard to look at him, he doesn't look very sorry about what he did and I dont TRUST him at all, how can a person make a marriage work, I dont know If I can !
I am sorry about your heartache, but you need to find out how your H feels about you, will you forgive and forget?

Rene,

The bad news is you never forget. It just floats to the back of your mind. You wont thiink about it every day, but the memories will always be there

Hi Rene,

John is right, you don't forget, but believe me when I say that you CAN come out with a better marriage than you had before IF you reach recovery. One of the things necessary for that....is remorse from your husband. If he is unremorseful...what made you decide to allow him to come home? What happened BTW with your brother's fiancee? Are they still getting married? Does your brother know about the A?

I would just like to add real quick, that in my mind you dont want to forget. You need to keep it in the back of your mind so that if the marriage ever starts getting to that point again you have the painful memories to kick ya in da butt.

Just my 2cents worth on the forgetting factor.

<small>[ December 23, 2004, 06:48 AM: Message edited by: john3479 ]</small>

Well right now all I think about is the A. They both told me on different occassions that there was no sex, so does it still count as an A. Yes my brother knows, he kicked her out as well, but is wanting to take her back, I know that this will never ever work... I would never trust those two together, ever and I just know it is going to cause imense problems.
Why did I take him back so soon - b/c he told me that he would never leave me alone and I was so drained, I decided to give this a shot, but I must be honest in saying I dont know whether it is going to work or not. When i get cross or agitated he gets all upset with me, telling me to let go, but before he came back he told me that i could speak about it everyday, i must heal, but now he is rushing me, why do you think?

IT DOESNT TAKE SEX TO BE AN A!!!!!!!!!!!!

I never even kissed the OW. It was still an A.

Read this article.

http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi8501_fft.html

<small>[ December 23, 2004, 07:01 AM: Message edited by: john3479 ]</small>

Rene,

Make no mistake....the WS wants to put this behind them as quickly as possible!! Many get impatient with the amount of time it takes for us BSs to heal. Are you guys in counseling? I hope you will be if you aren't. As far as what they did....assume the worst, try it on, see if you can live with it...because you're going to have nightmares about it anyway. The first few months of recovery are excruciating!!! This is a long process....ask your husband if he's prepared for that. What does recovery look like to you? Do you have a recovery plan? Many marriages survive affairs and fail to recover because they haven't had a plan to rebuild their marriage.

Make no mistake....the WS wants to put this behind them as quickly as possible!! Many get impatient with the amount of time it takes for us BSs to heal.

Thats the same place I am at right now. It is taking her much longer then it is me. Try and talk with him about this, let him know where you are at.

PLAN PLAN PLAN Cant be stressed enough

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by MomToLilRobandJadabug:
<strong>OMG! You cannot fall in love with someone that fast. </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">You're absolutely right! But you can certainly fall of the feelings the OP gives you... like you are the best thing on the planet. There is no end to what those FEELINGS can make you do.

Have you read up on Plan A? It is your best bet now. They are separated by space, that is good. Now you need to work at meeting his needs so he has no need of her. Then when he's back on earth, he'll get to start meeting your needs as well.

Don't call her again. She's not worth your time. If she has a husband or steady, let them know what she's been up to. If she's a young thing, her daddy might like to know she's messing with a married man, too.

Hang in there. It is tough, but you can turn this boat around.

~ Snow

Not good. He found out I called her/text messaged her and he is mad. He said some very hurtful things to me. He said it was over and he doesn't even care if he has to give up all his money to our kids in child support. He said he can only take care of one thing at a time (his back) and then go on from there and see what is going on with the Army. Which isn't true. He also said that he is not moving out of a place he is paying rent for blah blah blah. I was just crying and pleading my case. My problem is that I am not ready to let go. I know he doesn't mean the things he is saying. Why would he act the way he is acting towards me? He doesn't act like someone who wants a D. Well, not until this last phone conversation. I don't know what to do. I had counselling today but it didn't help. How long do I live like this? It has only been lil over a month since has been home. I don't want to give up. But I don't want to live like this either. I want my husband back. He says it is too late.

Time to go by the book Surviving an Affair.
I was kind of in the same shoes you were in. My husband was living out of state because of a job he took. I was unable to come down at the time. Long story. So I know what you are feeling.

There is a section called Plan A. Other posters are more familiar with Plan A. and can probably advise you more appropriately that I can. This is a way of winning back you H.
Right now, he seems to think that he is in love with this women. It is all some sort of sick fantasy that is going on his head and no real responsibility with her. Soon enough he will see the light.

You need some other support for yourself. The shock can last awhile and the side effects afterwards can really be brutal. It has been two years and I am still here. Again my situation is a little different from your average WS.

Read the book and keep us posted. Come back as often to vent or share with us to what is going on. It is best to get rid of your feelings and talk them out (post). I have found this forum to be very helpful to get through the days when he was mourning the lost of the ow. That still makes me cringe!

My thought are with you!

Ali~