Hi.
I am 38 and have been living with my "significant other" who is 44 for 18 1/2 years. We went out for one year prior to moving in together. I don't even know where to begin. We have always been each others best friend. We spend all of our leisure time together (golfing etc.). He has always been the most honest person I know. He has always been very thoughful, although he does have a short temper that I have become used to over the years. We do not have any children (unless 3 dogs count). We built our dream house 10.5 years ago and are only 6 years from having our 15 acers of paradise paid off. Things were really good I thought.
Well, we started to spend time with a couple that were friends of mutual friends. They are much younger than us. She is 24 and he is 27. We first met them two years ago. The guys like to golf or watch sports and we keep them company. This past summer all "B" wanted to do was spend time with them. He wanted to do stuff with them every weekend and on all of our vacation days. He seemed distant, which had never been the case in the past. I would ask what was wrong and he would get upset and say "nothing!".
Well, the other couple was over one evening and left and B was in a bad mood and I asked what the problem was. He said why do you always have to follow me around, why can't you let me spend any time alone with her. I said, wow, why would you need time alone with her? Well, he had been drinking and said, because I love her. And she feels the same way about me! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" /> Can you imagine??? I was in total shock!
I have lived with and loved this man my entire life, never loved or slept with anyone else... and he tells me this about someone 20 years younger than him! Someone who has pretended to be my friend. My God!
This girl and I are so TOTALLY different. I have only been with him. She has had sex since she was 12.... I go to work, she works part time and calls in sick all the time (I have not called in sick to my job in the 16 years I have worked there), she is short, I am tall, she has a child (not from her current hubby), we dont have kids and B does not want them. I just DONT GET IT!
Once, I found this out I went and talked to her - she said she could not help how she felt, but would stop contact with us if that is what I wanted. I said yes, we need to fix us. Please stay away from him and dont call, dont accept his calls etc. She agreed. When I got home from this talk he was on the phone with her. She had called as soon as I left. They talked for two hours with him glaring at me and me crying. He got off the phone and said - we need to sell because I cant live with you anymore. I love her and have fun with her, I dont have fun with you anymore. I begged and said no, we can work this out. He said no. I finally said fine, went inside and packed and went to leave. Then he freaked out crying - No, you cant leave me. Please dont leave me. Threatened suicide if I left, hid my keys, my suitcase etc. I stayed.
We talked several times and he said he loves her and could not give her up. I brought home MB stuff, tried plan A, did everything. Nope. Per the cell phone bills they were talking 20x per day!
I came home one day and had a bad feeling... I was supposed to go out with realtives for dinner that night (while B was at work - he works nights and I work days) and called and cancelled. I knew something had happened in my home.... I dont know why, just little things seemed different. The note I leave every morning for him was gone. He usually leaves it out. Little things like that. I knew she had been over. I questioned him and he admitted it. She had been over and slept with him in my bed. <img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" />
I said you need to make a decision. He said, I cant. I kept up with Plan A and said you have to decide. I met with priest, prayed, journaled, but told nobody, because I did not want my family to hate him. My family loves him like one of the family. I wanted him to wake up and be who he used to be, before anyone found out and everything was changed. I said we need to talk, he said NO. Because I pressed him, he said fine, if I have to choose, I choose her. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" />
I went out of state for work trip. We got back a day early. I went home and thought I would surprise B, nope, I was surprised. His "girlfriend" and a friend of hers were at my house partying with him. She told me she could have him if she wanted, and she wanted. I left. Went to brothers, who in turn told parents. BIG mess.... Stayed at brothers house. B called and said he and she would stop seeing each other. Come home. Went home next day. He would not talk to me for an entire week. I finally asked why, he said if you wont let me talk to her, I will do the same to you and see how you like it.
Fast forward, house up for sale, I am cleaning get it ready to show. We are getting along but he has bi-polar episodes. I love you, I feel so bad hurting you. Why are you making me choose and Why cant I just see her sometimes on the side to - I cant believe you are making me loose my house I have worked so hard for. You cant ahve all the stuff, I will fight you tooth and nail etc.....
He leaves for the weekend and spends it with her in a hotel. Tells me he is going out with her prior to going, but does not say overnight. I am up all night worrying about him. Gets home the next days at noon and asks whats up... why arent you talking to me? I say did you have fun? He says he feels bad, but they needed time alone together. Although he previously told me they would never live together - after this weekend together he says they will live together with her kid. And he DOES NOT even LIKE kids!
We still talk like the best friends we always were... he says he felt wierd getting the hotel room. He said they looked out at her like she was WAY too young ( well, wes, she is young enough to be your daughther....). I am dealing with all this fine as I figure once he decides to leave me at home and go to a hotel with her, it is pretty much over. I just want us to stay friends and remember all the good years. I tell him to figure out the stuff he wants from the house and I will let him know if I have a problem with any of it. I am trying to be generous and just move on. I still love him and dont want all our memories of our time together to be lost with a bad ending.
I move out tons of my personal stuff to parents. Open own checking account, cancel joint accounts, start planning for my future. Keep showing the house.
He keeps saying all the time so sorry - he love me, but I am making him choose and she is not.
He says he needs to help her with divorce papers. I say she can come her and I will leave. You cant fill those out parked on a back road somewhere. He says please do go, you two were friends. He tells her she will have to get along with me because I am his best friend and always will be. She comes over and I help her with paperwork.
All seems SO surreal to me. This CANT be my life, can it?
We both are in house because neither can afford it alone. I dont want to leave and pay mortgage for him and her to be in my house I worked my [censored] off for (two FT jobs for several years).
I go to visit friend out of state for a week. B calls every day even though I said not to. (I did like to hear his voice though.... I really missed him). Had fun with girlfriend, read a LOT tried to look to the future. B picked me up at the airport. It was SO nice to see him. Had movies and a dinner ready at home. Says how much he missed me. I am thinking he wants to work things out.
Found out next week that while I was gone he told people he was leaving me for her. 5 close friends. All were shocked as thought we were the "perfect" couple. All told him he is an idiot. So I guess he did not want to stay together as I had thought.
One week later (Thanksgiving week) he says lets not sell (after we had gotten full price offer in a bad real estate market!). I ask why. He says I don't want to talk about it. I say sorry, I cant do the girlfriend thing. He says we wont see each other anymore. I ask why? Why now?? He said he cant talk about it. I say need to talk about it. He says no. I ask how I know it will not happen again. He said because I would kill myself before going through all this again. He finally says idea to split was mutual.
I go talk to her, she says she told him she is young and would want more kids, he says he does not. She thought about it and decided her husbands kid and her kid needed her to be with husband. He found out about affair, said no problem. I will go to counceling if you want to to fix us, I will never bring up the affair, I forgive you totally. Funny, she was the one having the A and he is the one willing to make ALL the changes with her doing nothing.
So, here is the question (finally eh?). Why do I stay with someone who would have left me if the OW had not changed her mind? He says give it time and we will get back to normal. I try to just do plan A and not pressure him ... but I was so close to this whole different life, I am still in a daze.
I get so mad sometimes that he threw it all away... is he only with me now because she changed HER mind. Is he only with be because he would loose our house, because of my $? I make 2x what he does -
He was willing to give up our house, early retirement we had planned for him (saving retirement $ is very important to me... while all this going on e cashed his in for new vehicle, $ to do stuff with her etc.), EVERYTHING, for her.
He has been trying to be extra nice. But sometimes he is sad I can tell, and I ask him about it and he says he cant talk about it. I know it is because he lost her. How come I care? How come I don't love him less? I always figured God put me here to take care of B because he came from broken home. I figured God wanted us to ge together so B would know that no matter what somebody loved him more than anyone or anything in the world. Maybe that is the problem. I never say no to him. Ever. Never once said no to sex (in 19 years!), he makes majority of decisions on spending $, we always do his recreational activities. Maybe it is because I am so wanting to please him I have enabled all of this.
I dont know what to do. No contact is still ongoing per cell phone records etc. He has been totally honest with me I believe (other than not willing to talk about the A or then ending of it other than to say mutual even though I told him she said it was her idea). I just am wondering about me. What would be the reason to stay with someone who loves you, but is obviously "in love" with someone else?
I know we are not married, but I feel like we are after all this time. My parents and family are going to have a hard time getting past this. We did stuff with them ALL THE TIME. Now they cant talk....he is embarassed and says give it time (they know everything other than the fact that it was her idea to split - I told them it was mutual) and they are mad at him for hurting me and think I am stupid for letting him back in. They think it is because of the $.
Any thoughts or advice at ALL would be SO appreciated!
