My WS would not like anyone to know a about her A. I would like to tell the frinds, neighbors world what she has done and that i am not the one ending things.

tell all or not?

d-day 22 Oct 04
DD 4 years
DS 14 mo

Hello Stuck,

I guess one big question would be is it still going on?

Ok, I reread your post and caught the part about ending the marriage.

If thats the case, I would start with just the people who you KNOW will support the ending of the affair.

The best way to go about exposure is basicly a circle. Start small. Then as needed expand the circle.

<small>[ December 24, 2004, 07:16 PM: Message edited by: john3479 ]</small>

Welcome to marriagebuilders. It is a great place to be under the circumstances.

The MB plan is to expose the affair.

we are ending the M, 4 years and 2 kids 1 house. all she want is to be with OM asap. she is "in love for the first time in her life" with OM. she will not go the MC.

I would like to tell the World. am i just trying to get back at her? I just want peple to know I do not want to end the M so quickly

Is OM married? If so thats where you want ot start. If not, then what about her family and your family?

I dont know about involving the WS family. They usually may seem to care at first but soon stand behind the WS. They play the game too...the justifying game. On involving/informing the WS's family
Maybe telling the OP's family is a good thing. If they are of a strong moral standing, they might can convince the OP to stand down. Telling everyone that the both of you know can backfire. They usually will only take sides. The WS's friends will obvious take their side....the WS will justify it to them so as to keep that friendship.
In all though, if the WS doenst have the moral fortitude to make it through, there isnt much hope. They have to want to make it work.

MB guidelines by Dr Harley say you should expose if the affair does not end, So therefore expose, expose expose to all and everyone. Its just another tool to help end the affair so use it.
JMHO

Yes she will be angry but so what. Its her actions that led to this so she has to take responsiblity for those actions

expose, expose expose to all and everyone. Its just another tool to help end the affair so use it.

If her co workers were to support the affair, do es it really serve your purpose to expose the affair to them?

If all your drinking buddies are going to push you to leave the marriage does it do any good to expose to them?

I think it was Star who brought up the circle idea, and it really makes sense for a few reasons.

1) Fewer people exposed to the less it looks like verbal bashing.

2) As the BS you will have fewer people pushing you to end the relationship.

3) The fewer people who know the fewer you have inpeding recovery.

I prefer to think of exposer as a perecission tool. Use where you need to and only to the extent you need to. The purpose of exposure is to END the affair not let the world know. As long as you are trying to save the relationship what good does it do to expose to EVERYONE?

Hi stuck,

Sorry your here.....but welcome.

Let's talk about exposure, which is one of the tools that Dr. Harley uses to end affairs. Of course your wife doesn't want anyone to know....and that is precisely why it's important to expose the affair, because even in her fogged state...she understands that she will probably recieve some censure for her actions....and that will upset her fantasy world.

It will also make her very angry....but please don't let that deter you....because affairs need secrecy to thrive, and exposure opens the A to scrutiny and the light of day....creating conflict within the affair. Talk of the perfect life they plan to build....changes to discussions of who knows about the A. Because it's recieved so negatively by the WS....I like as little exposure as is necessary to create an end to the affair. Afterall, the purpose is not to punish....but to stop the affair from progressing or becoming more entrenched. This is not a revenge tactic....it's an honest effort to put pressure on the A.

The first person who needs to know is the other spouse, if there is one. If there is no other spouse....pick the one person in your wife's life that has the most influence on your wife, and also supports the marriage. That may be her father, mother or sibling. If she is involved in the church....it may be the pastor. But it should be a central person in your wife's life. The message must be clear and motivated for the right reasons.

"W is having an A with X and wants to leave the marriage. I am willing to forgive her and I still love her but I'm not willing to share her with another man. I am trying to save my marriage, so anything you can do to help me bring her home would be appreciated."

If that doesn't end the affair....then the next step of exposure would be wider. Her family, your family, the OMs family, adult children, close friends who are ALSO friends of the marriage.

Finally, if that still does not end the affair....exposure is wider still....if it's a work affair....you expose it at work, church etc.

Again....your motive MUST be to save the marriage for exposure to have the desired result....otherwise, this is revenge and punishment and will only serve to complicate this situation further. If you want to end the marriage....there isn't much point.

I think John the thing here is that the WS wants to divorce asap & SIC wants to slow it down so exposing to all asap is a form of unsettling the cosy plan of the WS & OM to div sundry partners & live happy ever after.

There is ALWAYS the risk that the people you tell wont care, may actively support the affair, but there is also the chance they may NOT support the affair & let the parties know that.

Of course the best thing for SIC to do would be to arrange a session with Steve Harley who has had some success in the area of preparing a plan to end the A even at this late stage. No guarantees of course but probably better then anything else right now.
Think its better than what you have been doing SIC, get some professional help now.

I agree that he needs to get professional help. Its that " If what your doing isnt working " thing.

I do have to agree with Star on exposure though.

Along with exposure of the affair, I would suggest that you consider hiring a P.I. to investigate the OM. Many OM have shady lives and if he is doing something illegal and the P.I. finds out about it, you can then turn this information over to the police so they can nail his sorry hyde to the wall. Even if he's legally squeaky clean, it is still a good expenditure of money because you can then rest assured that your children will not be exposed to a dangerous criminal.

TMCM

I don't pop in here much but wanted to chime in. I think Star and John are onto something. Expose but in stages. My first marriage ended by my husband's affair and I did exactly what you are wanting to do. I told everyone--the pastor at our church, his parents, my folks, his co-workers, his friends, the kids,....everyone. I told and told and all it did was solidify my husband and the ow. Now they had a common enemy--everyone else trying to wreck their relationship. It just served to bring the two of them closer together. And after awhile everyone was tired of hearing about how he'd done me wrong.

For now, I would tell just a few close people for support for yourself and maybe a couple of others that may have influence in her life. I would not recommend trying to destroy either of their reputations--that will just backfire like it did to me.

Good luck
Tiggy

Hello fellow Chicagoan!

I am so sorry to meet you on this forum.

I exposed my husbands affair when my suspicion were came true. I e-mailed, called, wrote letters, and told people in passing. I got a great deal of support from my true friends and family. Even some of his family supported me.

You are not playing a game of getting even. You are making truth out of her up her so called fantasy land. How long has her affair been going on? Are you in counseling for yourself? How do you feel about if you have read, the book Surviving an Affair? There are lots of good advice in there. A plan called Plan A. Plan A. is a strategy that can help you win back your wife. But it is a lot of hard work. The question is, do you want still want your marriage? If so, that is one way of helping you through. But it is tough.

Star*fish explains it the best about exposing. I had my suspicions and I told my sister and my best friend that I thought something was up. I had them listen to her VM messages on his cell phone. I had his pass code. Then as I got more evidence, I brought the attention to some others. So it works great in stages. The only difficulty I had was that he was living in Texas and I was helpless to do others. I felt stuck!

The best thing you can do at this point is to not show any anger and read love busters. The more you keep yourself calm, the better you will have this under control. I am not sure how to add links to this. But if you go in the search section and hit love busters it should take you to that link.

I really feel for you. I know how painful and humiliating it is. My H. posted yes, on this forum that he fell in love with the slut and he has never experienced anything like that before. That still pains me. We are talking divorce at the time being.

You will get through this. Just please come on here and post we will help you.

Good luck to you!

Ali~

Ok here is more information. We have been M for 4 years. A fast M. I fell in love at with her she got pregnant (DD on 2000) and I moved from a Texas (we meet there) to Chicago. I am from Miami so… Chicago is not my first chore for place to live. I knew that we would get into trouble and she promised me that we would get MC when we need it. (and we would not stay in Chicago) Kid number 2 DS in 2003.

Fast forward.. this past summer. The M went down hill. She worked all the time. Weekends, late at nite,10 day trips the UK. Etc


Oct 22 2004 I install software on home computer and in one day I knew all. Plans to D me, make OM dad to our kids. Oh did I tell you that I got a Vasectomy during the A. well I got a counseling and a lawyer. I confronted her one week later. We went to 3 MC hours all ended with her wanting a D. she “never loved me” “she is in love for first time in her life”.. OM is also M with 2 small kids. After 4 weeks I told OMW. thay are also get a D.

Q:How do find my self in love and married to the mother of my kids when she is in love with someone else?
A: It makes no difference. I will come to except that it is true. I have not been the perfect husband but this is not my decision. It is my wife’s.

The D is not my decision. I am angry. All I want is to be dad to my kids. This not the best thing for the kids.

The kids:
W is not a stay at home mom. We have been sharing the duties at home from the start. I bath, feed, shots. diapers, clip nails, cook, clean, laundry. And she the same. We are looking a 50/50 split on time and lader nites. I see that she is trading her time with the kids for OM. And haft of my time the kids will not have a dad. This sucks.

We are in mediation now but life sucks. She call 911 on Xmass day because I would not let her drive my car. She has a 99 Honda. Makes no sense. I do not know how bad this can get but what is plan C?

Police laugh at her??

I dont think any of this changes exposure.

When I found out I didn't want anyone to know:
I didn't want pity or concern.
I didn't want people to know what he had done and hate him.
A couple of people I work with know a little bit but not all. Not even my sisters know.
Unfortunately for me, he truly cared about her (and I think he still does), which doesn't make him a bad person. Like I said, I don't want people who love him to hate him - I don't want people I love to have to pick sides.
Since we trying to stay together I especially don't want people to know now. But, this makes it very hard for me because I have no one to talk to about it.
I am so glad to have found this site - talking to myself in car on the way to and from work only leads to tears.
I want so badly for it all to go away.
I want him happy and I want to be the one who makes him that way. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" />

Aug,

Exposure is for ongoing or entrenched affairs. Many spouses are willing to end the affair and work on the marriage right at d-day. In those cases...the only other person who needs to know is the other BS if there is one and further exposure is unecessary. If the affair does NOT end after repeated confrontation...exposure is a very powerful tool to do that.