Please respond ...............

My husband and I are 37 yrs old, have known each other since we were 12 but didn't start dating until 19. We have been married for 16 years and have 3 children 15, 13, and 11.

In June of this year, my husband started calling and e-mailing a cashier that worked at our grocery store that we had first met about 7 years ago. This woman is 10 years younger than us and would openly flirt with my husband when I was there, flashing bedroom eyes and the whole deal.

Anyway, they started communicating and had lunch together once and met twice for a quick hello on their way home from work. My husband says there was no physical contact between them and I do believe this. She is also married with 3 small children. Her husband has cheated on her and she thinks that he still is. My husband is not the first married man she has pursued either.

When I asked my husband what he got from this relationship he told me that the attention is like a drug, it takes a hold of you. I have just recently found out that he has contacted other women on the internet through a hotmail address that he denied having.

One night, after a fight between my husband and I, I called her husband to tell him what his wife was doing while he was working night shifts. He didn't believe me. I drove to their home hoping that we could exchange phone bills to prove to him what she was doing.

They called the police and had me arrested for uttering death threaths (which I absolutely did not, my husband was with me when I made the initial call and he couldn't believe when we got the report from the police).

Now I am looking at a $3,000 legal bill and possible criminal record. I am an upstanding citizen of my community and hold a position on a Board of Directors as a volunteer. I can't believe this is all happening.

I am still waiting for the apology that I know my husband is capable of but have yet to receive it.

I am ravaged with thoughts of revenge toward this woman as I know she is not being affected by this at all!!

They have brought out the worst in me and I am ashamed of some of my behaviour of late. I am in counselling but I now realize that this problem lies mostly with my husband and less with me although I do take some responsibility. After finding out about the internet women I told him he needs counselling and he must go.

He has in the past drank a lot and my physician has told me that addicitions are ofter replaced with another. He may go from alcohol to women to gambling to shopping and so on.

He wants things to go back to normal but he knows that this is consuming me.

After I first found out, I was doing anything to keep him here and show him how much I loved him. Our sex was never better in all the years!! Now he cannot even have an erection. We are concerned whether it is something physical or something mental. He puts a lot of weight on the bedroom and I believe if we don't get the passion back that will be the final clue for him that would justify him leaving us.

I am so shocked, our marriage was very good. We had our differences of course but we were best friends and funny enough still are and many people would tell me that they are jealous of our relationship since we are so comfortable with each other.

Please help me get through this, I know it is only a matter of time but some days seem so so so long. Any advice will be well received. I am so glad that I have someone to talk about this with. His family knows but I don't want to tell them everything because he has issues with them as well.

Thanks.

<small>[ December 28, 2004, 01:24 PM: Message edited by: Still here and trying ]</small>

Hi there,

I am almost in the same situation as you except that I was doing the same thing as your husband. Each of us were looking online for other contacts and people to talk to. This has hurt our relationship tremendously. I have found that some people say that it shouldn't be a worry and I should go on and others say that it is a red flag and I should not marry him anymore.

Personally, I have found comfort in the fact that no actual affair took place. And, every time I feel that I can't believe he could lie and betray me, I realize that I did the same thing. To me, this contact was meaningless and each man I talked to reinforced the fact that I didn't want to be with anyone but my fiancee.

Have you talked to your H alot about what happened? The best thing you can do is just talk. I found from talking to my F is that he just wanted someone NICE to talk to... no nagging, no issues, just someone to be a companion. I wasn't being that way for him. He wasn't always there for me.

Going through each of your emotional needs might be a good place to start! It has helped us a lot <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> Good luck and keep in touch <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Thanks for responding, we have talked a lot, maybe too much if that is possible. The online chatting is not so much what is bothering me.

This woman that he met for lunch and would talk to when he was on night shifts is the exact opposite of me. Although descriptively we look alike, same size, same hair colour, same eye colour, she is 10 years younger than us but she is the very example of what my husband despises in a woman.

She's a terrible mother, selfish, self-centred, untrustworthy and an exhibitionist. We are really having a hard time getting over this.

I think my husband is having a harder time than me though. He asks if he loved me why would he do this? I wondered the same until I found out he was also passing the time on a night shift exchanging e-mails with a couple of other women.

The most difficult part right now for me is that we are not close physically. This has never ever happened in the 18+ years we've been together no matter what we've gone through. I so desparately need that closeness from him right now and he is resisting to give it to me.

He wants everything to go back to normal but it's really hard to act that way. He begins counselling in less than a week but each day seems like an eternity.

I am also wondering if he is still contacting anyone. I have told him exactly how I found out any information that I had. I also told him he'd have to be a lot smarter than me to get it by me. Since he knows all my sources and how I got my info, maybe he can pull it off now and not make the same mistakes.

I also have some deep feelings of revenge for this woman and find myself reacting in one of three ways.

1) Totally consumed by how to ruin her life.
2) Perhaps meet someone myself to get that "good feeling" that he talks about and never take it further to anything physical.
3) Continue to put all my energy into making this work.

I mostly opt for #3 but sometimes feel so emotionally drained that I can't go on like this for another day.

Also, I am wanting to e-mail the 3 women in his hotmail address to tell them to back off, he's married. I think he may have told them not to send to that address anymore because there has been no more contact.

What do you think?

<img border="0" title="" alt="[Confused]" src="images/icons/confused.gif" />

Hmmm... I think that you need to decide if you really want to stay with him or not. It is a big stress to go through... especially if you think he might not be through with these other people.

Anyway, for me, I decided to stay with him and the more we talk about what has happened, the better I feel about it. Also, the more we talk about it, the more I realize that he won't do it again... he learned it isn't worth it.

For you, I think you just listen to your heart and listen to him and what he is telling you. There is no way to know for sure what goes on in his Hotmail... like my guy, he could have another account. But, you just have to wait it out I guess... that's what I am doing...

I really do love him so much, we have 3 children, 15, 13 and 11.

I think there is something much deeper going on. I know that we are best friends (still) and we have created a lot of memories.

I want to stay with him because I am sure once he takes that leap of faith and listens to his heart he will make the right decision.

I guess you are like me... you know what you want. That is good! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> It is a great feeling to have a wonderful partner and I feel like I do... we just seem to slip up sometimes when we don't have every need met that we have.

Seriously, I have found that a great place to start is meeting his needs. He obviously wants attention, my fiancee does usually too. So, I REGULARLY (and usually have, but not enough) get all decked out and dressed up on a regular basis. Maybe it sounds stupid, but in a way, I think it meets their need to have attention... they feel like you are going out of your way to make them really special. I have also found that the more I just quit talking about all the issues once in a while and we just have fun and intimacy together... we just both feel better about each other. Over time, this really makes you want to show him he's special and he returns the favor. I hope maybe this works for you...