i want to thank everyone for responding. thanks cwmac abd frank57 and everyone else. any more advise would be greatly appreciated.its been about a month. we had many many knock down verbal fights...We have been to a counselor 3 times and plan to go again. i want to say things are slightly better...since we fight a lot we end up writting how we feel...she has written to me on several times that she is sorry and that she loves me and wants to grow old with me...she says she dos not know why she did it...she told me she fell for a dumb line and it made her feel good about herself..she can give more reasons why without talking more to a counselor. she willing to renew our vows...she confessed her sins tface to face with a priest...she going to church now too..she says she wants us back again they way we use to be...she tell me i'm her knight in shinning armore. we still keep fighting because i keepn bring up the affair...my problem is a keep asking questions on every detail...even waking her up in the middle of the night if a question came to my mind...i know thats wrong...i still feel things will never be the same..we are still fighting a lot..if i don't say anything about the affair things are pretty normal...she tries to come to me and hug me and i don't really respond..we are having sex maybe more now than ever..maybe that's an escape or our only way to connect...we always had a good sex life...i feel she is truly sorry, but i can't let it go..help with any advise...my emotions go from a matter of fact that it happened to swinging the other way with full rage and anger...it just hard for me to know she was with someone else...she has her bags packed ready to leave everytime we fight...she tries to leave and i block the door and will not let her...i'm still confused what i want ...any thoughts

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andrewjb1

Andrew,

When you ask these questions, does it help you get in a better frame of mind? Does it make you feel more loving and forgiving toward your W?

If not then..WHAT THE H&!! DO YOU KEEP ASKING THE QUESTIONS FOR???

For a month after my Dday I asked questions and watched the movies in my head and concentrated on the negative horror of the A.

I realized that if I truly wanted to reconcile and recover these thoughts and questions were NOT POSITIVE!! This was NOT HELPING me get to where I wanted to be. It was hurting the sitch.

You must work on yourself to not dwell and revel in your misery.

When you think of these questions FORGET THEM! You have probably asked them before anyway.

Since you registered in Dec, I assume Dday just occurred, so your gaping chest wound is still fresh and steaming. It gets better by the month.

Your wife is remorseful, NC is in force, she sounds like she is devoting her attention to you and your having SF. You are soooo much further along than many of us here at MB.

Believe it or not, you are in a good place. SO QUIT WITH THE QUESTIONS and the arguing. Plan A works in this situation too. Quit LBing.

EDITED TO ADD: Are you on any anti-depressant? If not I recommend asking your doctor. I started with Lexipro and am coping much better. You will not have the anger swings, which will then keep your mouth shut! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Cool]" src="images/icons/cool.gif" />

k

<small>[ December 29, 2004, 03:10 PM: Message edited by: krusht ]</small>

I am so sorry you are so unhappy.
Your words make me cry because I am feeling the same way.
Questions burn in my mind. I play and replay the images of him with her. I found a letter he wrote to her and I say the words over and over in my mind. Beautiful words he's never writen to me. I want to scream and beg and ask him to write me a love letter, to tell me I'm the love of his life - but I can't do it. We've had 24 years of marriage, our daughter is grown, we are middle-aged, we had wonderful plans for the future and now every thing seems lost. I want to ask why a million times. I want to take all the memories of her out of his mind. I think he has decided to stay with me just because of our daughter and our "things" that he doesn't want to lose. But, still I want to ask him to tell me he loves me more than ever - that it sickens him what he has done.
But I don't - I have stopped asking questions, I have stopped begging, I have stopped showing any negative emotions in front of him - all because I fear he will leave me......
For three months now, I wait until after work when I climb in my car and drive over the hills to our house - alone - and I cry and cry and cry. Then a block from our house I park the car, dry my eyes and put on my "everything is OK - Nothing has happened" face and voice and drive home.

After re-reading what I just wrote I realize what I really truly want - I want to stop loving him!!

Dear Andrew
This is quite long. It grew as I was writing. Hopefully it is what you need!

Again I will validate your pain. Your wound is still very fresh. What you feel is quite normal. So are your repeated questions. I told you this in my post to you. These questions are not really about the details of the A. They are about your uncertainty about her love and her dedication to you. They are also a desperate attempt on your part to make sense out of what can not be understood.

1) You ask to validate her dedication and love. Unconsciously you know that her willingness to answer is a test to her dedication. So you ask difficult questions again and again. Despite what you feel at the moment the quest is not for the dirty details, but to test her willingness. The willingness more then anything else is the proof that the A is dead.
2) Please be wise in what questions you ask. The dirty details will haunt you in the months to come!
3) The questions are painful and harmful to the WS. But they do also have a beneficial effect. When lifting the A into the light of the day the WS can no longer fool himself/herself as to how dirty it is. The romance of the century is proven to be filth.


So the questions are necessary to the healing of the BS and to some extent also to the WS.
BUT the questions are also harmful. To help you understand I will tell you about the pain of the WS.

The pain of the WS:
The BS’s tend to think that they are alone to feel the pain. They feel their WS had his/her fun and now is sorry only because he/she was caught. They do realise the WS is sorry for the pain the BS suffer. But they will wonder if their WS feels it was still worth it. Are there happy memories lingering behind the apparent remorseful face? They disbelieve the concept of real pain in the WS.

Many WS’s do linger in fog, missing the “feel good” of the A. Your wife on the other hand does not appear to be fogbound. She has already come to “own” what she has done and her guilt is eating her. Guilt is emotionally powerful. She probably hurts as much as you! But she feels she has no right to tell you. She feels she disserves it. And your angry and disrespectful statements hit her right in this guilt. They pain hurts even worse because she agrees with your words. And therefore they have the power to “kill her”. The WS’s that come to post here at MB are usually in this category. Many have told that they are unable to meat their own eyes in the mirror due to shame. She will feel unworthy of you!
Please believe me: She hurts as well! Have her read this and listen to her comments!

This should be a comfort to you. Not for a revenge, but because this is a good starting point to recovery. It will be much easier for you eventually to forgive her when she is repenting.
And the chances are then also much higher for her to be motivated to do her part of the recovery work.

Sadly, her guilt like your resentment is also a stumbling stone in the recovery. She is most likely partly or totally paralysed by the guilt and by your pain. This paralysis will last for quite some time. It will partly or totally prevent her from reaching out to you. It will prevent her from taking corrective action. It will prevent her from being free and giving in the sex department. And the sad point is that you will interpret all of this as a new rejection of you.
The WS-pain is very real. And like the BS resentment will delay the healing.

On forgiveness:
Forgiveness is eventually a must if the M, the WS and the BS are to heal.
But don’t try to forgive too early. Your wounds should start to heal a bit before you do.
I think that forgiveness usually should be based on the repentance of the WS. Your WS fulfils this criterium already.
So you could now start working along this part. But initially do not try to forgive everything at once. You should rather try to understand her feelings and try to feel her pain. Later you can start the work towards real forgiveness.
When you do start then remember that forgiveness is not a feeling but a decision. This decision is made difficult by your continuous pain. If you forgive, the pain will later grow new anger in you, and you will have to forgive again. Thus forgiveness is not only one decision, but a series of decisions, a process and a lot of work. When the pain is still raw this work is nearly impossible.
If you are a believer: Pray to God that he will forgive her. And then be understanding and forgiving on your own pain and wait some months with the work on your own forgiveness.

Next topic: Reread your “HELP” thread and see what I and others wrote about the A not beeing about you. Print out that thread and read it every day!

My final and most important advice:
Schedule time for the talks on the A and your relationship. And keep all other times a safe zone. Now in the beginning shedule one or two 30 minutes talks every day. Later schedule one every second day and then one every week, and so on as time goes and the wounds heal. Keep a notebook and record every question that enters your mind. Then use your notebook during the scheduled time. And by the way: 30 minutes is 30 minutes. Keep your scheduled time and do not let the talk time expand into the safe zone.
And when you talk, let both of you repeat in their own words what the other said before a responce is given. This will calm things down. And you will avoid the misunderstandings that are so very common at this stage.

God bless your recovery.

<small>[ December 30, 2004, 06:07 AM: Message edited by: Frank57 ]</small>