This is my first post. Sorry to make it so long-winded. Here's my story. A few months back my H of 8 yrs told me he was unhappy and wasn't sure whether he was in love with me anymore. We've had talks of issues in our marriage in the past, but I never realized just how unhappy he was. He hasn'tr been a very good communicter. This was back in August. I never suspected an A. Although for the first time, I started having those thoughts. I asked if there was someone else and he told me no. He's not a very emotionally open person in general and that has been one of our issues. He suggested that we go to see a therapist. We did and after the first meeting, we both agreed that he should go by himself for a while to resolve some of his issues. Primarily whether he wants to be married or not.

Anyway, on Thanksgiving, he had several drinks and finally opened up and told me that he lied when he said there was no one else. He had an A with a co-worker who he had been friends with for a long time. She works at a differant location (in town), but they have mutual meetings they attend once a month or so. Most of their contact is via phone or email. She is also married with kids and her marriage is falling apart. My H told me that they have this connection that he can't explain. They bonded fast. He told me that the physical affair is over. Their A started in June, so it has been going on for 6 months or so. But he assured me that the physical part was over and they are just good friends. We talked and cried for several hours and several days. He answered all my questions (and there were lots). The OW too was going to work on her marriage. Of course now her H is moving out. Since then, our life has been a rollercoaster ride. My H is so confused about what to do. He admitted that he is "in love" with her and she with him. They both agreed that realistically it can't go anywhere. But they have this emotional attachement.

Fast forward to 2 weeks ago. My H came home and told me that he and the OW had a falling out and ended things completely. He wouldn't tell me what the falling out was about. He was able to tell me that I was a part of it. So I imagine because he hasn't made the decision to leave me, she won't be with him. He said that's only a part of it. He assured me that it's over and the friendship probably is as well. Well, 2 days later, the night before our family trip for the holidays, he went to see her (even though she ended things just 2 days prior). He wanted to discuss what had happened in their falling out. They slept together again. According to my H this made it even worse. She was very angry with him and now for sure there wouldn't be any more physical contact. He came home and was very upset with himself for hurting me again and for letting me and our family down and for hurting her again. He said he just keeps making one bad decision after the next.

So off we went to visit his family for Chritmas. It was very difficult for me because one minute I hate him for what he did again and the next minute I love him and don't want to live my lfe without him. He still hasn't made the decision of moving out or not. We are trying to work through it. He is continuing to see the therapist and for now living here. Now that we are back home after our trip, he keeps assuring me that the physical part will not happen again for several reasons. But now that the OW has cooled off a bit, they are able to maintain a professional relationship. My problem with all of this is that just last night he told me that yes, they are keeping it professional only. But that they share this emotional connection and would probably be friends forever. So, how can he truly make a decision on staying married or being alone (his words) if he may still rely on her for emotional support? Am I fooling myself into believing that this will work? I told him I thought he needs to be completly free of her emotionally in order to give us a fair shot. He agreed that in most cases that is what needs to happen. But he said that not always. Sometimes you can keep that separate. Is he right? Or am I fooling myself. I really think he might be having some sort of mental breakdown and want to be patient, but I don't want to be a fool. Any advise on what I can or should do next?

Welcome to the forum. You are not a fool...but it is foolish to believe that they can continue to see eachother and compartmentalize their relationship. If your husband was an alcoholic....could he have "just" one drink or work in a bar? Affairs produce the same chemicals in the brain that cocaine does. All contact must end....professional and social for your marriage to recover.

My first time to this forum and read your story. I'm in kind of going through a similar situation. When I'm alone, I can see clearly that I'm doomed if I continue in this marriage, but when he's around, I look at him and cannot imagine life without him.
I feel as if I'm also becoming addicted to him and am scared of that feeling, because it means basically I do not have any control over my own life. That what's making me resolve to end the marriage, and might not be the best solution, but I need to know I'm in control of my life and destiny. So, maybe it's not what you expected to hear, but I think it's unfair that you have to suffer the betrayal of someone having an affir, and then hav to put your own life on hold, while he figures himself out. You're not even given a chance to deal with the betrayal, and now you have to stand by and let him have it all.

Star*Fish,

Thanks for the quick reply. You are absolutely right. I need to fix myself. That's why I'm here. I know I can't fix him. I am just having a really hard time figuring out how to fix me. I can't seem to admit to myself how I really feel about all this, let alone, what to do next. I'm struggling with the idea of having him move out, which we've talked about. Our kids are 2 & 4 and it would be really hard to juggle them between 2 households. My husband is scared of losing them. He's a good dad and said he couldn't stand to be just an every other weekend dad. I know it wouldn't be fair to my kids either. I would never want to use them against him. But I've asked him to try to work through this while at home at least for a little while. He agreed. I just wonder myself if that is the best solution. Maybe we should get a trial separation and see if we can be happier and function better apart.

I agree with you that all contact must end with her. Given the nature of their positions at work, that's not possible unless one of them quits, which neither will do. He's convinced himself that their relationship is strickly professional and I can't convince him otherwise. So I need to figure out a way for me to either be firm or deal with it during this period. That's my internal struggle.

Star fish is right. Same thing happened to me just a little differant. You need to put him out! Let him have time to think what he is loosing or even have lost. I regret not doing that. But I have done that now. He is out of the house. We still are going to MC, but he calls me and don't call him that is the way it is going to be for know. But now he wonders what I'm doing and how I'm trying to take back my life. We have great talks and he is really missing what we shared that he thought we never had. It is working out . and another not the girl friend wanted my husband to meet her jsut so hey can con. to be friends. I said there can not be a you and him as long as I'm in the picture it's over If we don't work then he can have whom ever he whats.. good luck

You are right. As hard as it is for me to come to that conclusion, I agree the best thing is to have him move out. We actually both agreed to that just last night. He's going to look for a place that can accomidate the kids as well and we will try the every other week scenario. Since I'm a stay-at-home mom, I'll get to see the kids every day anyway because they only go to preschool 3 days a week for 1/2 days. So I'll only really be away from them every other weekend. Where H will not see them one week at a time. That I know will kill him. He doesn't want to to take anything but his clothes. He says he hopes it's just a temporary separation to clear his head and to miss me. We'll see. He assures me there will be no contact between him and the OW. I hope I can handle it for my sake and the kids sake. I have family down here, he doesn't. My mom & dad will be devisted when I tell them that he's moving out. They won't get it and will ask a million questions, which I'm not prepared to answer. Wish me luck.

That is good. But you want him to see that you are your own person,and know matter what happens you are going to stand on your own. With or without. I know your main goal is to be together and so is mine. But you can't make someone love you, but you can be loved. My husband is out and I had a strange thing happen the same thing your afaid of. Communicate with the other W. Well mine did after 5 months. And she is the one that told me, and told me that he won't leave her alone. Got me all upset. But the flip side is she has pertended to have cancer and he was just concerned so he had check on her because he truely thought she had cancer, but that was just a pull to keep him near because he is a compassionate person. She is mad because he he only went to see her once in a public place.She is the one that won't leave him only because I got her in all the lies. She said she just wishes her and my H could just be friends and still be able to sit around and still talk. I said no there is no friendship ever going to be as long as ther is a we. He wants our marrriage to work out.

Start by reading Dr Harley's book Surviving the Affair. Read about plan a and plan b. Read about emotional needs. Welcome. You are not alone here, we survived my H's affair. It is not easy, but it can be done. Expose the affair to her H if he doesn't know. There can be no contact between your H and the OW. Starfish is righton about the chemical addiction. Sorry you are here, but there are a lot of great people here to offer advise.

Well, first of all there is no way that the two of you can have a "chance" at your marriage when she is in the picture. Not even as friends. Way too ackward for you and the temptation is way to strong. What happens is the two of are in a disagreement? Will he run to his "friend" for support? He needs to discuss this idea with his therapist. I am sure the therapist has a different point of view on that.

Don't even believe his manipulation about having a professional relationship with her. That is the equivalent of having his cake and eating too. He is trying to fool you. Can't have it both ways.

I understand about the loving him one minute and hating him the next. There were so many times I just wanted to walk about because all he did was mope around about how much he missed her.

What do you want at this time? Right now this is about what you want and what you need. And you need to make that known to your husband. Make sure he knows that. You need to get into counseling yourself. And then get back into the MC.
Read as much information on affairs and educate yourself. The more you know the better you will have to survive this.

Good luck <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

Ali~

Whoops, I missed something here. He is going to move out? So what is the plan for him to stay away from OW? I believe he is setting the two of up for failure. He knows that he is still connected to you. So that might leave a false sense of hope. Waiting to see if he misses you? He is still in the fog! He might miss the kids. But there is a lot of uncertainty with the motives that sounds too manipulating.

<small>[ January 03, 2005, 11:28 AM: Message edited by: Ali88 ]</small>

Hi Ali,
Thanks for your advise. You asked what the plan was, now that he is moving out. Well, the plan is for him to have time on his own to clear his head. As my therapist pointed out, he can't see the forest through the trees if he's at home. I told him that the only way this would actually work is for him to stay away from the OW completely. I told him even though their physical relationship was over, there is no way he can think clearly about what he wants to do if he is still attached to her emotionally. I told him that he truly needs to not communicate with her at all during this time. He agreed. You see, she is his counterpart at another location, so most of their communication is regarding common issues that arrise. There are several other locations with people at their same level, unfortunately she has always just gone to him to bounce off ideas and advise. I told him that type of support needs to end. To have her go to one of their other counterparts for the advise. He agreed that should probably be the case. Will he actually have the balls to ask her to do that? I don't know. Hopefully his therapist will convince him that this is the best solution. During this separation, he will continue therapy with our MC on his own. I will continue to see my therapist. He will have the kids every other week all on his own (evenings, nights, weekends). He'll get a true taste of what living on his own will be like and being a single parent. So, we'll see how this works. I'm not sure what we will do as far as seeing each other (dating). He will ask his therapist on how we go about working on fixing the problems in our marriage that led to the affair -- whether we should or shouldn't try to go out on "dates" with each other during this trial separation. My therapist warned me not to let him back to fast if he tries to come back and tell he he's made a decision in a few weeks. That's going to be the hard part. I know I can't, but I hope I have enough strength to stick to it. Maybe the ADs I just started on yesterday will help me think more clearly.

Hi there!

I am so afraid that plan will set the both of you up for failure. Because he is still at the same company as she is. Even though in different locations, there is still that thrill of her "might calling". What about him looking for another job? Is he stable in the work field?

My husband took a job out of state because he was unemployeed at the time. Leads were very far & few because of the line of work he is in. I begged him not to take it. But because of his confidence was very low and I put my needs behind me, we made a pack to let him stay there for 2 years. I'll explain my story why I didn't go if you need to understand it later. He got an apartment and he began to live his life like a bachalor all over again. Nothing to do with me. That was discussed in MC. I wanted to know what I did or didn't do. He some how forgot that he was married. It took 3 months for him to start his affair.
Each person affected by an affair is in a fog. Yes, he needs to get his head cleared up. But with him moving out and OW on the loose and him still feeling a "connection" is very dangerous.

Going on dates is a good start. But where is he on your trust level line? As angry as you are, having him move out may not be a such a good idea. He needs to be around you. He needs to be around his family. By having him move out, it might give him the ticket to "screw up". Again, I know what you mean when you hate him. I felt nothing but hatred and pain when he just came back. He would sit at our kitchen island with a beer in his hand and tell me how much he missed her. Then he would come to me and want a hug from me. I wanted to slap him. Then he would go on the forum and whine about how OW had done him wrong and caused him to loose the job the he loved! Fogetting that he just commited adultry and I was left boneless! But jmho, he needs to be home. That is if you want your M to work.

I am really glad to see that you are in counseling. ADs are a good thing too. What about him? Is he on anything?

I am really serious about him finding a different job. Too Dangerous if he doesn't! Lots of room to mess up. Since he is not near recovery that is like putting an alcoholic drink in front of an alcoholic. Sorry, if I am repeating myself here but I see red flags. He needs to come out of the fog at home.

Again, do a lot of reading and educate yourself. It has helped me tons. Although two years later, I am still in limbo. A lot of it has to do with me and a lot of it has to do with him. I cannot forgive. If he would have been sorry, then I might be in a differnt place today. But I planted my butt at Barnes and Noble read all there is on Affairs. I still go back and regroup my thoughts to see if I am missing something that I was too chicken to read when I just found out.

Keep me posted.

Ali~

<small>[ January 04, 2005, 04:51 PM: Message edited by: Ali88 ]</small>