3 Days before Christmas I sensed a mood change with my wife. After asking her on several occassions what may be wrong, she stated that she has mixed feelings and feels as though she does not want to be married anymore. (we have been married 8+ years and blessed with a son) I gently asked her if she was having an affair and she said no. She stated that she is confused why she felt this way and was trying to rationalize it in her mind. Perhaps it was the medication she stated since she has been on Zoloft for 5 years since the birth albeit the lowest dosage possible. She further continued that she feels at times that she needs to escape and just be alone. Of course with our son... but without me. I suggested to give her time alone and actually stayed in a hotel for 3 days beginning with Christms Day. The day after on my scheduled return and with my mother-in-law staying n the house, I find out that she told her mother she was going shopping. Guess What? She did not return home until the following morning. She new now that she was exposed and told me she was with another man. First time she said but... has been contemplating this infidlity for 3 weeks. What makes it worse is this man was actually a construction worker she had come to know doing work on my house. So, It was like I was paying him money to know my wife and then later sleep with her. She says it is her fault and led him on but.. he most likely has offered her some emotional or other support I failed in. She says it will not happen again and she will cut off all ties. Not sure I believe it. However, she is still not sure about our marriage and feels as though she does not want to be married. We have nofinancial issues but I suppose there are things I have not provided to her for her emotions. I am trying... I have sent flowers... which she did not acknowledge until I asked if she received them. Wrote her notes to express my feelings, etc. Being more attentive and in connection with her needs but nothing is working. At this moment, I feel as though I can get over the infidelity cause I love her so much and concentrating on determining what and why she feels this way. Without pressure. However, she has no clear explanation. She was too tired today she said to do the emotional survey. We chatted about things nicely for awhile and then later tonight.. she had one of those attacks.. feeling like she needed to escape so, she just went to bed. There is no affection, she can be nice one minute and cold the next. I am a wreck... what can I do? Oh, before I forget, she agreed that it may be worth her seeing professional counseling to get in touch with her feelings. She did make one call and since the Dr. office never called back, she has made no further attempts. Help, I cabbot begin to tell you how much I have cried and the lack of sleep I have over this. I love her so much and will try anything to win back her love and affection.

ID,

Welcome to MB...sorry you "qualify for membership", but you've come to the right place.

It's a little quieter here during the holidays, so be patient for responses.

I'm going to recommend some reading to give you some perspective. The bookstore on this website sends materials faster than Amazon - so I recommend you order these books today.

His Needs Her Needs, and Surviving An Affair are both written by Dr. Harley. While you're waiting for these books to arrive be sure to read the Basic Concepts Section of this site.

These feelings you're having are so very normal, it helps to see you're not alone. In my case my husband and I didn't tell anyone other than our priest - so the support I got here was a God-send.

The ability to "vent" without hurting my husband helped rid me of the unspeakable horrendous feelings I had as a result of his affair.

You'll hear the word "rollercoaster" as you read posts. It's incredile the mood swings that come as a result of what you're dealing with.

You and your wife need professional counseling in order to get through this. So many of your natural instincts will be "counter-intuitive" of what's really helpful. It's a complicated minefield to try to navigate on your own.

Your wife sounds like she's going through "withdrawals" - which really sucks for both of you. Read in the General Concepts for a better understanding of this.

Some of the longest term posters post over on GQII. They have links on their signatures that will guide you to other resourses on this site.

In the short term - my best advice is to take the very best care of you that you possible can. This is a trauma of enormous porportions, and the better you treat yourself compassionately - the better you'll deal rationally in the long run.

I coached with the founder's son Steve Harley. Look at the coaching section on the site. It's not cheap, but well worth it in terms of saving yourself unnecessary pain.

If you choose a counselor in your area - screen carefully because no all are "pro-marriage", this board is full of unbelieveable stories of bad counselors.

Another website to consider posting to is www.saveyourmarriagecentral.com - it was started by Penny Tupy who is a certified MB marriage counselor, so be sure to check it out.

Blessings to you and your wife. Let us know how you're doing, CSue

thank you for the reply. I am proceeding with your suggestions but noticed you were ther only one that has taken the time to be of some assistance. So I thank you. As an update, it is getting worse. I have been nice but she does not seems to want me around. She started talking about lawyers and just moving on. I do not believe she is seeing the other guy but maybe having difficult withdrawing. She says it will be best if I leave for a bit to clear her head. I fear doing so will force her further away. Nevertheless, I am goiung on a business trip to honor her wishes. I am at a complete loss and each day becomes more painful.

Holidays and weekends are slow ID so you should get more responses soon.

Using my wifes referrals heres a good place to start reading and getting knowledge

The Path to Recovery: Johnh39's complement to WAT's quick-start guidelines


and a place to help with all these WS & BS Acronyms .......

Acronyms, Smilies, UBB Codes

As I'm going through a bit of the anger rollercoaster thing right now I wont say much -not fair to you...just be patient the experienced ones will come aroung or post on the General Questions II as well and you'll get a lot more poeple passing by.

In fact what I'll do is see if I cn post it for you there & see if you can get some more responses ..may not be able to but I'll try

Cheers

Hi,

Yes, the others are right that things are a bit slow right now, so please don't take it as a sign that people are not interested or can't help you. I hate to say it, but situations similar to yours are very common, and you can also recover from them.

The best thing to do is to read all of that material suggested above, and to start what is known here as "plan A". Its basically common sense - it just means that you take a look at your own behaviour, you stop doing things that cause hurt, pain or irritation to your W ('love busters'), and you start trying to meet her emotional needs better, as best you can, and if you can determine what they are.

You also look after yourself as best you can, stay healthy, get anti-depressants if you need to, exercise, its a great way to relieve tension. Also talk to a sympathetic male friend, counsellor or a relative if you have someone who you trust to provide a listening ear and not be too judgemental.

How sure are you that your W is really not still seeing this man? Can you find out for sure? Things like phone bills are good for that. If it turns out that she is still seeing him, the next step will be telling people who are significant to your W, like her family. Some ways are better than others for this, so if it comes to that please post on here and ask for help.

If on the other hand she really isn't seeing him any more, then your M recovery may be easier, despite what your W says right now. Be aware that its a long term situation and don't expect things to quickly get back to the way they were before!

Also, if your W is saying hurtful things, try to distance yourself from it a bit. It helps to realise that many people don't act like themselves when they are in A's or for a while afterwards. They find it really hard to see clearly, because they have been swept off their feet by fantasy. If its true that your W has stopped all contact with her OM, she may, as many here (myself included!) eventually be able to see more clearly that your M is well worth saving, that the problems that she now sees were caused by her A, not by you or anything you did. But, it takes time and patience, so hang in there and keep posting!

Hi, ID. I am sorry you are here but Welcome. <img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" /> If you post on General Questions II, you will get more responses.

Hi I-D,

Read all of the articles here on the MB website and try not to make any quick decisions right now. I know how confusing all of this seems and how much you are hurting... I've been where you are right now as have many others here.

Your W is following the wayward spouse (WS) script almost to the letter. It's amazing how similar most WS are... so take comfort in knowing that when those that have been where you are pass on their experiences, that generally speaking, your W's actions will be fairly easy to predict.

Right now, your W is very confused and torn between the OM and you. The best thing that you can do right now is to read up on Plan A and see if there is any way that you can expose the A to the OM's wife & family. The first step is to end all contact between your W and the OM.

I'm sure that some others will give you some more info... until then, try to relax and recognize the fact that most WS (wives especially) don't actually leave their families... Your W may be saying all sorts of mean, hurtful things right now, but until she actually takes action on her words, her words are just idle threats.

Semper Fi,
RIF

Hello ID,

Welcome to MB although I am sorry you are here for Infidelity.Please know that we here do care about you.Like the other's have said,it's slow around here on weekends and also on this board sometimes.The General Questions(GQII)board has lots of traffic so you may want to head over there and read/post.

You are just at the beginning of an admittedly,very painful journey like you have never experienced before.But let me tell you that there will come a time,whether or not you are able to save your marriage,that things will get better and not hurt so much.Most of us have been through what you are now just discovering and we know the depths of that terrible pain,confusion and sadness.

In additon to what the other's have told you,I will just list what I think is important for you now to concentrate on based on my experience here,and,what we usually tell newbies who are feeling lost:

1) Get into counseling asap,with or without your WW(wayward wife).If your WW does show some interest in talking to someone,encourage her to keep at it until she can make an appointment.It's a sad commentary but some doctor's offices are just not that efficient but they should be especially when it comes to a crisis situation like you are in.When I first called my counseling center here in town,I first spoke to a rather uncaring woman Psychologist who didn't seem too concerened with my predicament.But then because of a scheduling snafu,I was able to talk to a much nicer man who actually talked with me on the phone first and asked how I was doing.I saw him within two days.I felt I really needed to talk to someone since my world just shattered.And it helped.

2)Discuss AD's(antidepressants) with your counselor or doctor.There is some debate about this medication here but many will tell you that they have helped to stabilize your emotions so you can at least eat and sleep a little and get through your days.You NEED to be able to eat and sleep while enduring this horrible trauma or you will crash.Please really consider it.I didn't want to go ont them myself initially,I don't like to take any pills except aspirin but I did and was grateful for them.I had to be able to get out of bed to take care of my kids.The AD's helped me.

3)Get the recommended books from Dr.Harley,read up on the all the concepts here especially how to survive infidelity at the top of this page under Q&A.Read up on Plan A and what it means and how to implement it.It will be hard to do but is necessary to try to pull your WW out of the fog and negotiate the ending of her A(affair) with the OM(other man).

4) Exposure.You must tell as many people as you can now that can *influence her A to end.She will be really mad but that's because you'll be helping to expose her dirty little secret but it's VERY necessary.You will also need support from friends and family and they will not know how to help you properly if they do not know what is going on.In my case,I told everyone and my In-Laws were some of the BEST support I could have ever hoped for.To this day,they still are supportive and do not approve of what my WH is doing.If the OM is married you need to tell his wife.

5)Please take time to comfort your son.I don't know how old he is but he is ging to be very confused about all this.

6) Realize that your WW is untrustworthy right now and most likely the A is not going to end very quickly or quietly.It rarely does.There is usually repeated contact over and over since the A partners are addicted to the feelings they get from each other and it is extremely hard for them to just stop it.This is a common reaction for a WS and OP(other person).This is also why,in my opinion,your WW wants to be alone and maybe for you to leave.She wants to be alone to continue her A.Many times they will say they want a separation so they can "find themselves" or "be alone" but in reality,they just do not want the BS to be around interfering in their fantasy.

So please,do not leave the house anymore.You may feel it's best giving her "space" but it's not.If she wants to be with this other man,let her leave but stand your ground.Do not support her A by leaving and do not finance it.If you both own the house jointly,you'll have a tough time with who should go but legally you have every right to be there and you should STAY so later on,if legal issues come up,you are not seen as abandoning your child.

I realize this is a lot for you to read but there is so much more you will learn as you read and post here.Do stick with us,we will help you through this,OK?

O

<small>[ January 04, 2005, 09:53 AM: Message edited by: Octobergirl ]</small>

Hi! Although I am also a "just found out" I wnat you to know in the past week, I have found lots of help, advice, and support on these boards. Even when nobody actually replied to things, it helped to hear that other people are in the same boat, and CAN offer suggestions. Please keep posting, we can all help each other.

Thanks to everyone that has posted. Makes getting through this and hearing everyones thoughts a bit easier at times. Well here is an update... I did check the cell phone records and yes... she is still on a path of deceit. He is calling her and she is calling him. In fact 84 tims since beginning of November.I did the wrong thing... I flipped my lid! Decided to take a business trip for a week to get away from the stress. I know, it will proably now make it easier for her to see him more freely but... not sure what to do. Also afraid that if I expose her to her family as recommended... she will be pushed further away. Think I am in quite a no-win situation.

ID
i m in exactly the same situation. In fact, my husband became moody and less affectionate couple of mths ago, however i didn't sense anything serious as he was indeed undergoing some stress in his work.

Gradually, his mood upset me and we started to distant from each other. I probed further, and he said exactly the some thing : "mixed feeling" "feels he will be happier if he's not married", "we can't see eye-to-eye on many things". He went back to smoking and went out more often, for sports or recreations (partly because i encouraged him to)becasue i thought that would help.

Until 3 weeks ago, I happened to read those messages in his cell phone..countless "mushy" messages from the same woman..i nearly smashed his phone! I was totally devastated. He admitted the affair started 6-8 mths ago. Now that explained everything! All these months, he had been trying to rationalise in his mind but nothing came out of it. He did not mentioned about the affair even to his closet friend! He was struggling alone!

He was a good/model husband in the eyes of my family and friends. I could never imagined he fell into this trap and committed such sin. But he admitted anyway. i do not want my family as well as his family to know abt it (the affair part) fearing that it will only push him further!

After the whole issue came to light, he told me he has already made clear to the woman that everything has to end there. At the same time, he told me he needed time to be alone, to sort his thoughts. He said, the affair constituted half the problem, the other half, our differences.

Differences? Couples have differences. Why didn't he bring it up to me earlier? Why did he keep everything to himself until now? I may be ignorant to some of his needs but i am not selfish nor inconsiderate, if only he shared with me honestly and openly and we will work together to make it right. The 7 years we're together has been the happiest time in my life! I realised, all the while, he was just trying to please me.

I am now back at my parents' place. We still message each other via cell phone, just like before, however i am not sure how long the seperation will be? How long do I need to wait? We both agree to go for counselling. I will try anything to win him back & rebuild our marriage because i really do love him.

I wish you the same! Take care & good luck!

<small>[ January 05, 2005, 04:52 AM: Message edited by: Faithfully His ]</small>

Hi in-distress,

Glad you checked back in with us.

Here are a few more things you need to know.

First,it is very COMMON for affair(A) partners to continue contact,A LOT.Even after they have been found out.Why? It's like an addiction.Dr.Harley has worked with addicts and also couples who are dealing with Infidelity and he has seen similarities.If you know that,you can hopefully understand what a strong pull that is on your WW.Just like a crack addict,they will do anything for that next hit,including risk losing their family,their home,job,lose friends,you name it.Infatuation and those feelings assoctiated with it are strong and it's just not possible in MOST cases for A partners to stop what they are doing.That's why this is a long journey,rarely does it end right away when exposure hits.My WH used to have $700 cell phone bill per month calling his homewrecker(OW) so much and believe me I was MAD.

Second.All newbies who are told to expose their WS's are confused and question whether or not to do this.You think that it will push them right back into the arms of the OP or that they will hate you or never want to see you again,etc,etc.Well,they will be mad,that's a given.They also might join forces with the co-conspirator(OP) and start to blame you for everything changing.But that's all part of the plan.When their dirty little secret fantasy gets a spotlight of exposure,they can no longer hide.People know.They start to feel it,maybe a little guilt? Maybe some humiliation? Things aren't so protected and fun anymore.Do you see? Exposure helps to burst the fantasy bubble.I know it's hard to think about but people need to know.If the OM is married his W has a right to know.

You may think you are in a no win situation but we are trying to help you with a PLAN that can work sometimes.I will be honest and say that it doesn't work many times too because Adultery is a very serious and destructive choice made by a WS and it's hard to recover from it,but there is hope.If you read on the Recovery board you will see that you do have a chance but you have to fight for it and stick to something that can work if applied correctly.If you just wing it and yell at your WW(which are called LB's,love busters) you will push her away more and make her feel justified in what she is doing,building you up in her mind as a monster which is why you need to act a certain way around her even though you are hurting terribly.

Consider shortening your business trip and get back home.Remember,your WW is in her own world right now and is most likely not looking out for the best interest of your son.He needs his Dad there to protect him from his Mom's selfish behavior.You would not believe some of the stories of what parents are capable of when in the midst of adultery.You need to be around to ensure his safety and wellbeing.

Ok,is this helping? Do you understand what you should be doing now?

O

<small>[ January 05, 2005, 08:29 AM: Message edited by: Octobergirl ]</small>

I did in fact return home and she hasked that I not be here. I stayed anyway which infuriated her. I found out (from her) that she has been to a lawyer and she is planning on preparing a divorce filing with her lawyer on Monday. Nothiing I have said or done has worked. So, do I now have to believe it is over? I still cannot let go but... she is destined to see this thing through even though she says her one-night infidelity was more emotional than anything else. So, still no interest on her part to try to work through this. No interest in giving it time. Poof! its over just like that. She is bringing up things about her emotional distress from years ago. Once she files.... I guess I will need to see a lawyer but... can this be salvaged at all?

Ok ID now you see why we said for you to expose expose expose & start Plan A right away a week or so ago?????

She is IN an affair no one night stand about it.
Her statements and demands on you are very classic from the WW handbook.

You DO NOT move out, she is having an affair LET HER move out. It is one of the consequences of her affair.
She simply thinks she can move the OM into the house once you are gone....DONT YOU DARE MOVE OUT.
AND NOW EXPOSE IT to every one!!!!!!

YOU do not honour her wishes like you have been doing, all that has done is enable the affair and place you in a bad light with your wife.....she is comparing one man - you - who she can walk over to this OM who I bet wouldn't put up with any crap...he wants one thing and is getting it.

Now I suspect this guy is NOT looking for a ready made family & long term commitment, he wants FUN - not woman with a child - and frankly do YOU want this stranger in your childs life if you can avoid it???

SO STAY in the house, keep your son as she is NOT in any clear frame of mind to keep him safe with this OM.
IS the OM married??, has a GF??? what do you know???? FIND OUT!!!

This is a time where you either stand up and fight or keep avoiding like you have been doing and lose everything.
See a lawyer RIGHT now...seek sole custody based on your wifes behaviour and discuss her medical problems witht the lawyer in respect to this...... find out about securing your place in the house...eg no action where she can file a police report to have you removed for abuse etc etc...start playing clever because the 'wife' you could trust is gone for now, she is a WW and will act like most of them.
Lie, deceit, cheat, change the past, and think ANYTHING she does for 'true love' is ok.

She is likely to start saying very nasty things about you , claim she never did love you, etc etc etc, its called 'fog' talk, ignore it or learn to pass it back...eg when she says something like 'I can't find a time when I ever loved you' you responf with ' yes I know you cant find that' see, respond to rubbish with rubbish BUT not nasty with nasty...look at the rediculous statement & respond to that, not the words .

ACT NOW or you will left out in the cold, no house, no wife, no child!!!

I hope I have woken you up ID, because your classic AVOIDANCE BEHAVIOUR - if I do nothing it will go away - WILL NOT WORK.

Sorry for the 2x4 but you ahve needed it to wake UP....so get up and start fighting ID.

PLs come back & ask about Plan A or B as thing s develop but ACT on the rest now