Okay I am very new at this.I'm not sure of codes or anything so I'm just going to write it out.My husband is in the army stationed in Afghanistan.I recently found out he has been calling this girl he met over the internet.He says he don't love me he just cares for me then he says we can try to work it out.Right now he is making plans to see her when he comes home on leave.We have a two year old daughter and I still love him very much,I want to stay together but I'm not too sure what he is thinking.He says he has tryed to stop talking her twice but always ends up calling her again.How can I make him see that he's too far away to make these changes in our life.Next month we will be married seven years.I have considered letting him go to this women and just hope things are not going to work.He comes home in May so I have four months to change his mind and see things can be good for us.I am desperate for him to give us one more try.He says he's given me too many chances.I'm willing to change for him I just need him to see that.Feel free to reply here or to email me.Thank you for listening.

Welcome to marriagebuilders. It is a great place to be under the circumstances.

Start in Plan A. You can read all about it on the link in my sig line.

What are the changes your husband would like you to make?

Thank you for your info.As of right now he doesn't want to try again.The changes he wants me to make are lose weight,be more sexually agressive,and just over all treat him better.I need him to see things can be good between us.Right now he thinks if he stays they will be good for a while then go back to the way they were.

That's the same thing they all say. Standard, right from the textbook.

You might want to move to general questions, as weekends are very slow. Have you tried exercising and eating right to lose some weight?

This is the time to work on you. Make the changes you need to make, for yourself.

This is one of those times when calling the command would be a good idea. As he's not "technically" committing adultery yet, he won't be punished for it yet. But depending on his command climate, they may sit him down and have a long talk about what can happen if he decides to take this further. If you can prevent him from going to visit her, you're going to have a better chance of recovery.

Call who ever is in charge of your Family Support Group. They will direct you to the proper channels.

If his unit wasnt deployed I would say call his First Sargent or CO, but being deployed start with FSG.

I can't go to his command about this,he has told me if I do that he will divorce me without a second thought.I wish I could since they would be able to help alot.I have begged him to go to them but he won't.I can't risk losing him and go behind his back and do it.As soon as I get back from visiting family I plan to talk to the chaplin.Like I said,I have till May to convince him this relationship is worth it.I just hope I can before it's too late.

You must keep reading here. Exposing the affair is critical to ending it. And they all say the same thing about exposure too - that they will divorce.

Why are you willing to put up with this?

"He will divorce you without a second thought"

All the more reason to go to the command. That is not the sort of comment you should take lightly nor should you consider staying in the relationship with that sort of threat from your mate.

He might get mad and divorce you, he might get mad and threaten to divorce you and then realize that his actions were stinky and he loves you too much to loose you. He is using his power of your love against you with the threat.

Exposing is always best as clearly as I can see. It breaks the allure of the cheating. It isn't nearly so 'sexy' any more.

Right now he thinks if he stays they will be good for a while then go back to the way they were.

This can be a big fear for people. Right now though he cant see your changes. Make them anyway. He will see them.

He says he don't love me he just cares for me then he says we can try to work it out

This is normal at this stage.

Not trying ot make excuses for him, but remember right now he is in a scary place. I may be wrong, but odds are he started talking to this OW one day that with the time difference you were in bed sleeping, and she is a woman who trolls for military men. They know what to say.

Odds are this woman is looking for an easy ride. Unless they have been there, alot of woman think the military is a great place to be a spouse.

I can't go to his command about this,he has told me if I do that he will divorce me without a second thought

Im not going to say he wont, but I will say odds are against it. But what will happen if you DONT??

I'm another one who agrees that this means it's even more important to talk to his command. Yep, he may divorce you. But letting the relationship get more serious is more likely to increase your chances of a divorce. Talking to his command is likely to make it very difficult for him to make plans with her. Once she's out of the picture, he'll start to think like a human being again. Exposure is so very important. Tell his family, his command, her family, everyone. Once he has to deal with the ugly aspects of the affair, it will lose much of its appeal. As long as he can play around in secret, he gets the ego boost and the benefits without paying any of the consequences. It will just continue to grow worse until he gets a jolt of reality. Keeping the secret for him enables him. It makes you part of the conspiracy of silence. Do you really want to help him have this affair?

Have you considered calling for a phone consultation here? It's much cheaper than a divorce and you can get advice straight from the experts.

I have just spoken with the chaplin in Hawaii(I am out of town right now for the holidays)and he sais that he wasn't thinking clearly.He assured me he would talk to the chaplin over there to find out why he told him to leave me,if in fact he did at all.That is as far as I am willing to take it right now.I'm not finically stable without him so I can't expose it to his company for fear he is telling the truth and he will divorce me.I have a two year old who needs the health insurance not to mention I have asmatha and need it too.I have told his Mom and he told his Dad,I'm leaving tomorrow to go take the baby to see his family,I will tell everyone else then.I will try to check comments on here while I am away but I'm not sure if I will be able to.I'll update everyone on this at least when I return.Just for thought I was debating putting plan b into action since he still hasn't seen her.Give me your thoughts.

I have a two year old who needs the health insurance not to mention I have asmatha and need it too

Dont let this be a concern. The child will always be on the insurance, and you would be until everything is final.

I also have to think about the fact that he pays for my car and basically all my bills,my credit will be ruined and my car reposessed if I exposed him to the company.I want to make this work but today he told me he is thinking of asking her to move to Hawaii to live with him off post with his friend.If he does that I guess I have no choice but to expose him so I can get what is mine out of this.I just don't know what I say to my daughter either,she knows Daddy is away at war but she thinks he is coming home.

today he told me he is thinking of asking her to move to Hawaii to live with him off post

And your worried about him leaving if you expose? Sounds like if you DONT he is already making plans.

He wants you to make changes,and what changes is he willing to make? We can't change who we are. We are what we are. We can improve ourselves. You need to find out what are his emotional needs are and tell him what yours is. That is where you start. You have to Care, have protection for each other, time, and honesty to start the building of your marriage. But don't let him tell you what you need to do when it has to be both of you