Dear posters,

This is my first post. I've been married for about nine years. I found out almost a year ago that my wife was cheating on me with two people. When confronted, she promised to stop, but continued on and off for about six months with these folks. She tried to get me involved with the couple and after a few months of persuasion I relented to try with them (partially out of morbid curiosity, and partially to hopefully get this out of her system and save the marriage)but I decided at the last minute to back out of the arrangement. She still remains in limited contact with them due to her employment. She says nothing else has gone on and her actions appear to bear that out but I've seen there is an emotional attachment with them as recently as two weeks ago. She cried over the lost friendship with them but didn't shed a tear when she was talking about us and how bad she felt about what had happened and how she did not intent to hurt me and that she had told them she did not want me to find out asbout it. I don't think they have had any more trysts but I'm disgusted with the whole situation. We have children, I still love her but am pretty much detached from her emotionally although I grudgingly act the part when amongst friends and family. She has threatened suicide if I leave but also said she won't do it because of the kids. I feel empty inside and can't see myself staying in this marriage but I'm certainly concerned about the kids. 2004 has been a gutwrenching year and I think that I can't stay until the kids are grown and then divorce. What advice can you folks give me?

JW,

Tis is a copy of what I said to another poster on a different thread.

Welcome to MB...sorry you "qualify for membership", but you've come to the right place.

It's a little quieter here during the holidays, so be patient for responses.

I'm going to recommend some reading to give you some perspective. The bookstore on this website sends materials faster than Amazon - so I recommend you order these books today.

His Needs Her Needs, and Surviving An Affair are both written by Dr. Harley. While you're waiting for these books to arrive be sure to read the Basic Concepts Section of this site.

These feelings you're having are so very normal, it helps to see you're not alone. In my case my husband and I didn't tell anyone other than our priest - so the support I got here was a God-send.

The ability to "vent" without hurting my husband helped rid me of the unspeakable horrendous feelings I had as a result of his affair.

You'll hear the word "rollercoaster" as you read posts. It's incredile the mood swings that come as a result of what you're dealing with.

You and your wife need professional counseling in order to get through this. So many of your natural instincts will be "counter-intuitive" of what's really helpful. It's a complicated minefield to try to navigate on your own.

Your wife sounds like she's going through "withdrawals" - which really sucks for both of you. Read in the General Concepts for a better understanding of this.

Some of the longest term posters post over on GQII. They have links on their signatures that will guide you to other resourses on this site.

In the short term - my best advice is to take the very best care of you that you possible can. This is a trauma of enormous porportions, and the better you treat yourself compassionately - the better you'll deal rationally in the long run.

I coached with the founder's son Steve Harley. Look at the coaching section on the site. It's not cheap, but well worth it in terms of saving yourself unnecessary pain.

If you choose a counselor in your area - screen carefully because no all are "pro-marriage", this board is full of unbelieveable stories of bad counselors.

Another website to consider posting to is www.saveyourmarriagecentral.com - it was started by Penny Tupy who is a certified MB marriage counselor, so be sure to check it out.

JW, NC (no contact) is a must in order to give your marriage a chance. Recovery is about you personally, your wife personally, then finally your marriage.

If you don't learn the "lessons" from this affair experience it's likely to be repeated. One of my favorite sayings is "I take me with me wherever I go". Meaning heal yourself, and heal your marriage if possible; and if it's not possible to heal your marriage we have a term here called "earning your divorce".

If your marriage can't be healed, then move on. But that's after counseling, and getting yourself educated on affairs - then applying what you learn.

Another book I forgot to mention on the other thread is called "Not Just Friends". After you've read the others, read this one - it has a wealth of information about the very nature of different types of affairs.

Let us know how you're doing.... CSue

JW974

Very sorry you have become a member. You are at least at the right place to get good advice and find great counselling and information.

There are some unpalatable truths you are going to have to accept and with the information you will need to decide if you want this M any more.
From your post I see you leaning very heavily towards leaving right now. Well I don’t accept that EVERY M can or should be saved, though many here may I don’t myself. That said its not for me to tell you to save or not to save, only you can decide what YOU want.
However you will see you can save your M BUT there are things both you and your wife need to do.

But before you try anything you need to think through if you want to save your M. The question you need to ask yourself is, do I want my wife to love me? Or even, do I want to be married to her? If the answer to these questions is "no," then go ahead and leave her with as little drama as possible for the kids sake.

There are some serious issues, testing for STD’s would be a big one and you and she should get this done right away if you haven’t already. Don’t accept her ‘word’ it was safe sex she has been playing with her own and your life literarily.

If however, after some thought and reflection you say YES, then MB can help you.

Now first and foremost, and there is no room for ANY negotiation, Dr Harley ALWAYS insists that in his and the MB experiences over many years your wayward wife or spouse - WW or WS - MUST have no contact - NC - at ALL. Not at work at home at anywhere or the affair is NOT over and there is a circular relationship going on and no withdrawal can move forward.
Harley states “….for her to continue to work with her lover, almost always leads to disaster. My experience with thousands of couples that have had affairs leads me to the conclusion that the lover should never be seen again. The temptation to return to the affair is simply too great for most people to resist.”

Pretty clear isn’t it.

What does it mean? She may have to get another job as one of your conditions to try to reconcile.

Now the other thing is to be totally honest with your wife and tell her what it feels to be betrayed, how it hurts etc,,,now not berating her or in anger, but to let her know what she has to do to bring back your love and commitment to the M. Dont soften the message that right now you want out, that message got through to me when many others didn't. Tell her you are considering Dv and reconciliation but are so detached from her you dont see a clear way out.

This is not to be mean or nasty but to be honest and straight up. Harley advises that if possible you both should agree to reconcile or separate, even for a short period though it makes reconciliation very hard.

Think your options through without the anger if possible, but if you are just too angry, dont make a decison yet, time is on YOUR side, you are in the drivers seat and after all, you can Dv anytime can't you?

Here are some shortcuts to help you…………

The Path to Recovery: Johnh39's complement to WAT's quick-start guidelines

and a bit of guide to the site........

Acronyms, Smilies, UBB Codes


So do lots of reading, thinking and post away, ask questions and I hope you CAN feel as though you want to save your M.

Make 2005 your year of recovery and a NEW M from the ruins of the old.

No question or vent is stupid. Dont feel silly asking whatmay seem obvious, pain clouds many things.

Also, if reconciliation is your choice you may want encourage your former ?? WS to post here and talk to us other FWS. Dont worry none of us think A are good we've all lost too much to pretend otherwise. We want spouses back together if at all possible.

God be with you for this tough time.

I have had the exact same problem with my wife. She just seems to be sorry about the fact that I have caught her and not because i have been hurt. my advice is to try to paint a picture with the roles reversed and maybe she will begin to see what it is that you feel. that worked for me but it still took some time to sink in and required reference to an event early in our relationship that i almost cheated.