Holiday, I agree with everything you are saying. Really. I know that I am angry, I wish I could make it go away. I'm trying as hard as I know how. There isn't anything more I can do.
Thank you for your prayers.

Hi, ladies! I have a different problem with the "blame game". My H takes FULL responsibilty for the affair. He won't let me say that I created an affair prone environment in any way, he won't even put the blame on the OW. He says, yes, she was a harlot, but he made the final decision. He should have stood up and said no and he didn't, so it is his fault. 2, I think this is what you want your H to say, am I wrong?
It is frustrating b/c when he says that he felt loved, and had no reason to stray, I don't see what we can work on in the marriage to make sure it doesn't happen again. If there was a problem in the marriage, then we can work on it and have a better more fullfilling life. However, he was happily married and still chose to have an affair, so where do I go from there?

No True, that is not the case at all. My husband takes full responsiblity as well, assuring me he was happy and got "caught up" in the worldly things...mainly lust. He has never blamed me and biblically he knows he cannot blame me. He fell, plain and simple. He's human and made a mistake.

I hestitate to share this with you guys because I do NOT want to be a downer at all. But I need advice really. I have asked my husband for a separation. This it the 3rd time I've told him that I need it. The first time was right when I found out. Emotionally I wasn't ready. Then I asked him again about a month ago and our MC talked me out of it. But it has been over 3 months and I still feel like I need a seperation. I think it might be the only way I can heal.

It has been 3 months since D-day. This is not to hurt him (if it was I would have done it earlier), this isn't quitting on the marriage (we will still go to counseling, etc.). I feel that we are both doing the best we can and it is still not working for me. I think it might be the only way to save the marriage now. I'm actually fearful that if we don't separate, and I continue to feel this much anger and pain 3 months from now, I'll feel hopeless and just go straight for divorce.

I do not want to divorce my husband. This for me is a hope to save our marriage by giving me time to heal and have the source of all this pain removed for awhile. I just don't know what else to do, but I do know that what we are doing isn't working.

My husband said he slept horrible last night (gave him the news then) and of course he is upset. So help me God, I slept the best I have in weeks and my stomach doesn't hurt this morning. I feel like making this decision has lifted a HUGE weight off my shoulders.

In case you are wondering, I have for 3 months been in prayer on this issue. I have prayed long and hard about this and feel OK in my decision. If I'm going into this separation with a heart that desires to heal and work on our marriage is that so wrong? Financially we can make it work. We might be able to get away with not even telling the kids. He "worked" so much before they would go 3 days sometimes without seeing him. We can use the same excuse.

I don't want to encourage anyone to do what I am. I wish I could be in this and feel great and hopeful. I wish I could be in a better place 3 months later. But I'm not. And I think this might be the best course of action to SAVE, not end our marriage. Any thoughts?

Please keep me in prayer.

True-My H too takes full responsiblity. It has helped me a great deal too. However, like you, I feel sometimes it is not enough and if he was happily married how did this happen again? And how can I trust anything will change?

I could make the reason to be his line of work and all the terrible things he is witness too. All the stress, the death, the saddness at other's losses. I could make the reason to be his upbringing (although his 6 siblings might disagree with me, as they continually struggle in all their multiple marriages) that his witness to his parent's marriage did not provide him with the skills to make him a good marriage.

But my marriage vows have brought me to continue to work on my marriage. "Until the pain of remaining the same, hurts more than the pain of change...people prefer to remain the same."

Perhaps 2, this is where you are. If you truly feel the need to seperate (and I believe you do), then your H needs to grant your request. I know an A is an A. However, your H built a relationship with a person you both new and you considered your friend. A person you both brought into your family. A person you trusted as your H went to work everyday with them. Your building of trust for your H has been pushed to the limit. Plus the fact that she still works in his company and you from time to time have to be in her circle. Very, very hard for you. This is what I had noticed. This is why I say to you "why are you remaining" as your heart has not healed. I in no way, wish divorce on your family. Even if you seperate, I will pray everyday that somehow your heart heals and you and your H can start anew. Perhaps he needs to see what it is truly like without you and his children. On his behalf, it sounds as though he wants his family. He has come along way. Now it's your turn and if you can not do it with him in your home, he needs to understand that him being away from you will help not hurt him.
I am so sorry 2 that this has been such a battle for you and your family. I talk with my H about you and the others here on MB. He sees all our misery. I know he continually feels depressed about what he has done.

Again, 2. If you seperate, what do you think will change for you? Do you feel that prior to your husband's A you may have felt this way about him?

Hi Holiday. Thanks for responding. Prior to the A I was happy and loved my husband and being married. All I know is that I have given this my best shot for 3 months and in some ways I'm worse than before. I feel this is the last resort to make things work.

He told me this morning that he will not cooperate if I leave. He will force me to get an apartment and the kids continue to live at the house. I don't even care. Going apartment hunting later today. I just need to be away from him. It might make me remember why I love him and need him. It might make me realize that I'm better without all the trust issues etc. I just hope it works to give me some direction.
Thanks for your take and prayers.

2-May I suggest before you actually "move" without your children, seek the advice of a professional (mediator or lawyer) first (you don't need to tell your H this). Things could get ugly where your children are concerned with you leaving them under your present circumstances. You may be feeling broken, but when your children see you leaving with bags in tow, the devestation may be non repairable.
I will pray a special prayer for your children today.

2,
I am no expert, but IMHO, if you separate, you basically are already headed for divorce. EVERYTHING I have read, seen, and now experienced for myself say if you want the marriage to work...you stay. I have also felt like I needed to separate; my parents and my H's parents even told me that they would help me. I wanted to leave sooo bad some days, but I kept in my mind that if I leave, it will probably be for good. Absence doesn't necessariy make the heart grow fonder.
Also, PLEASE, PLEASE, PLEASE, do not leave your children with your H! I don't know the laws in CA, but to me that sounds like an abandonment issue. He could throw that back in your face if you DO choose to divorce.
To me, 2, it sounds like you have already made some choices. I don't think they are bad choices, but they seem like choices to me. If you do not think you can heal, then leave. I have told my H if I come to the decision that I just can't forgive him, I would leave. Although, I would NOT want to be a single mom, and that would weigh down my decision more than my own healing. My kids deserve more than divorced parents. They deserve a family. I am not saying that you should think like this, but it is how I think. However, if I thought my not healing would hurt my kids, then I would be gone in a second.
Well, I know what I am saying is probably not what you want to hear, but like I said it is just my opinion. I hope that whatever you decide that you find the peace and healing you deserve and need!
I will pray for you and your family.
True

I left yesterday to stay at my moms for awhile. I am at the house today (we went to church together), but I'm only here for a little while. Starting tomorrow I will be here all day while he is at work, staying at my mother's until I'm ready to move home or get my own place. I think I will know in a few weeks if not sooner.

Please keep me in prayer. He cried all service long this morning. It isn't that I don't feel bad, because I do. But like I was explaining to my mom last night, right now he is bringing out the worst in me. I hope being away will return my spirit to a better place.

thanks
2

2,
I am truly sorry that you find yourself in the sitch you are now in. I stayed at my mom's for 2 weeks, so I can't say much, I guess. Again, I hope being away gives you the clear mind to know what is right for you and your family! I know, that I question what I am giving up, and why I am staying. So, I feel for you.
Keep in touch with us all so that we know what's up and can help you in ANY way!
True

Hey all! Very BAD morning today after a long while of good days. I was looking at old pictures on the computer, and found one of my H dressed up at Halloween. We all dress up and I made him this cool costume. Well, as I was looking at this picture(which was taken at his office party), I saw that she was dancing behind him. I couldn't see her face, but knew it was her by her very long hair. I asked my H about it, and he said yes, it was her, and that yes they walked together in line during the costume parade. This was before the physical part, but after she had told him that she wanted it to be more, and fantasized about him.
Well, it was a trigger. I could finally see their height differences, and how she could have done some of the positions that she did, and it felt like a knife through my heart all over again. I could imagine her long hair hanging down as she was over him, and just everything about their "love" for each other. I once again saw how beautiful her body was, and although I am trying to get back in shape, I know I will never be like that. She is just VERY petite. I would say she is about 5 feet tall, and has a very small frame. He has told me that he felt like he was crushing HER. I guess you can't crush a fat person like me:)
Anyway, once I called him, all the anger rushed in on me, and I hung up on him. He tried to call back, so I unpluged the phone. I even got the kids ready to go away, so that we would not be around at lunchtime. But, he came home before I could leave! It was very nice, but I couldn't even look at him. He stayed with me for an hour, until I calmed down, even though I told him to leave. I deleted the picture, and I feel better now, but I am can feel that hurt just lurking in the background waiting to be triggered once more <img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" />
Sorry, if I am depressong any of you, but I just needed to get that off my chest.
I hope all is well with everyone else.
I'll chat with you all later.
True

Hi,
I was wondering if I could get advice/opinions from this forum. My husband and I have been married for almost two years. He works constantly and has little time for me but I completely respect this as I know that it will not last forever, is for our future benefit and understand the stress he is under. He is a wonderful man and I love him dearly. Our sex life has always had it's ups and downs. We have discussed this many times. Last Saturday night, I went out with friends and proceeded to drink quite a bit at a local bar. My night resulted in leaving with a man whom I have never meet, going back to his apartment and "making out". It honestly ended there. I passed out and arrived home very late with minimal questions from my husband. He was worried about me and called my cell phone but assumed that I was at a girlfriend's house. He never questioned my where abouts. My question is: do I tell him? The remorse and guilt is like nothing I have ever dreamt possible. I would never jepordize our relationship again and know that there are under lying issues which lead me to do what I did. I appreciate any advise.

Hey Beachgirl,
That is a tough question. Initially, I thought yes, the truth is always the best, but as a betrayed spouse, I sometimes wish that I never knew at all. For the best/most advice, I would post your question on the General Questions II board. More people check there, and more experienced people hand out there.
I wish you the best!
True

Hi True!

Boy, did I feel your message this morning. My husband is 6'5 and she too was only 5'1 and very petite. I too at 5'5 and over 150 am hurt by the fact that I can never have that kind of a figure. Top off the fact that she is of a different race and it makes it all the harder to get over.

My birthday is next week and my husband called me this morning to make plans for my birthday. It was the first time in 2 weeks that I felt some of the anger and resentment pass. I guess that is what I'm hoping seperation will achieve. A feeling of being courted again, so I know for sure that he loves me. Hell, he was courting her! Hang in there. I totally understand how you feel.

Anyway, Beach, I have no advice either about whether to tell him or not. You'll need to check in with some other folks who maybe aren't as wounded as us.

My advice is now that you know your "trigger" (drinking too much and going out with girlfriends, which by the way what kind of friends let you go home with another man when you are married?) you'd better avoid your triggers. You may need to find some new friends and/or not go out and drink too much. You are lucky that that is all that happened. Very dangerous behavior Beach.

Good luck guys!

Thank you both very much for responding. I appreciate your insight and advise. I believe that drinking to much was my trigger and I am not sure if my friends saw me leave with him. I understand the situation I put myself in and still am digesting what could have happened. It scares me to death.
I have read your messages and I am so sorry that you both have had these extremely upsetting life experiences. The fact that you both get up every morning and go about your daily lives is commendable in itself. I guess I just want you both to know that I think you are so strong. Remember how good you are and all that you deserve this best in life.

2,
Thanks for responding! I am glad to hear that you are feeling some what better. I, too, wish he would court me. He went out on dates with her, or just out to the store so he could call her while I was at home taking care of sick kids, packing for vacation, and just being a housewife. I think that is a double kick in the gut, and I can tell you feel the same way!
I once told him that his OW had a young girls body, b/c she had no breasts, and very few curves. He got mad at that:) How can I possibly compare to that? Even when I was super skinny I had breasts, and was not small framed. I wish he WOULD have crushed her! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Razz]" src="images/icons/tongue.gif" />
Anyway, I hope your birthday is better than mine was, and that you have a WONDERFUL day!
BG, good luck again with your sitch, and thanks for the compliment!

Wow...True and 2...do these feelings come in waves or what?

My whole weekend, this is how I felt and there is really no way that I am ever going to see the OW (hopefully, since she lives 2000 miles away), but I still feel the comparison and it depressed me pretty bad last night.

Now, don't be upset with me, but I had feelings that being dead might be easier sometimes and I told my H that very thing before bed. He got upset with me.

I told my H, what if the roles were reversed? Would he compare himself with the other person? I told him I felt sometimes that it is because of the way I look (I'm in shape, but no way am I the 5-2, 108 lb girl he married). It just isn't fair on what our minds put us through after what a WS puts us through. I understand part of our relationships with each other have to do with attraction, but my H has gained 40 since we got married and I still find him attractive. I told him I am continually upset with myself. He says if roles were reversed he would be upset with me. I just can't find hate in my heart.

As for Beachgirl, well, I would suggest, DON'T GO OUT WITH THOSE GIRLS AND DRINK AGAIN. What kind a friends let you go home with someone other than their husband and to top it off, someone no one knows? I'm not sure about keeping this a secret from your H. You definitely have issues between you that need working on. "Tell the truth" There'll be less things to remember"...I think he'll eventually find out anyway. And then he'll end up here with us.

He will probably not believe you when you say you "only made out". His mind will travel. So if you think you can handle keeping the secret, well do so. If it will eat you up inside and continue on to another incident then tell the truth. I know I have a mixed version of what to do and like True, I sometimes wish I never knew anything and all this wouldn't have hurt so bad. You should really post in General Questions with the senior posters (one's who've been here alot longer than us).

Peace.

Holiday,
I don't know about the others, but I have often said being dead would be easier. I also told my H that it would have been easier for him to have died than for me to find out that he betrayed our love. At least if he died, I would still be able to see him as the man I fell in love with and married, and not some lying cheating dog! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Razz]" src="images/icons/tongue.gif" />
Well, better scoot! Have an awesome day!

Oh Boy

Nick

Pick on Nick sorry your here. Not many get on this page. It's better over on the general questions II page. If you have any quuestions go ahaed and post. There are alot of people that have gone and are going through a A. Some are really good at helping.

RHM

Hey all! Just checking in. I hope that all is well with everyone. I see nobody has posted in awhile.
2, how is the trial separation going? Is your mind opening and becoming clear?

Holiday, How's Vegas? DogMom(she said to say hi, BTW) and I joked the other day that we were going to come and visit you in Vegas and have a big MB party! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> I hope all is well in your neck of the woods. Anything new?

Pick on Nick.....what was the "oh boy" for?

RHM, You're right, not many people join this VERY long thread! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Razz]" src="images/icons/tongue.gif" /> We can sure chat it up.

Well, I am doing well. I am on the road to real recovery I think. I have realized that days will be bad, but when I do get down, it doesn't last as long, and I am getting better at working through it! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> There is definitely anger still there, and it usually comes out when I am discussing the sitch with someone else. But, I am getting that in check too. It will only be three months since d-day on Mar. 19th, but I actually feel like there is hope now. Only time will tell!

here is a cool quote I found today:
"Experience is a hard teahcer, she gives the test first, and the lesson later."
I am not sure who said it, but I thought it fit My H very well! He said he always was the type who needed to learn things first hand and not be just be told about it. That definitely happened.

well, I will end this long post. Check in everyone, and let us all know you are ok! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

<small>[ March 10, 2005, 07:18 PM: Message edited by: truetoself ]</small>