Hi Truetoself and Rocked. Your posts have been my story. I found out right after Thanksgiving that my husband of 7 years this month had a year long affair with a girl who works for him. She has been his employee for 2 years and they have been having an affair for 1 year.

I know her and always liked her. She was always very nice and sweet to me (even when this was all going on) and I trusted her to leave my husband alone even though I knew she was attracted to him (she's a white girl who only dates black guys and my husband is a good looking black guy), so I assumed an attraction on her part.

Because I liked her and trusted my husband to be faithful to me as he has always been a decent Christian man (during the affair we attended church regularly, did devotionals at night, prayed together, etc.) I never excepted them to cross the line.

I thought something was going on around August and confronted him after she called him crying late one night. I told him "you are her boss, not her therapist! There will be no more calls like this!" There weren't, but I did ask him shortly after that if he was cheating with her and he denied it. He denied it to the end. After I found a text message she send him, I knew he was still talking to her (via text message) when he told me he wasn't. So I called her (remember I know her) and she confessed everything.

I called him (he was on his way to work) and told him she told me all about it and he finally came clean...revealing more horrid details about their affair.

He ended the affair with her about 3 weeks before I found out. My conversation with her and the text messages confirm that, but he was hoping he could stay friends, so continued contact. After I found out everything, he resigned from his job and came home because he wants to work on the marriage. His job did not accept his resignation and instead moved his office to a different building a couple of blocks away. She continues to report to him, because legally, HR can't do anything with her.

Here are my problems. She called him yesterday about a non-work related issue and then started asking him about his holidays. She was instructed by HR NOT to contact him unless it was about work and that is only after she has gone to the manager of the department first. She has violated this numerous times.

Last night I told my husband this wasn't working for me. I am not comfortable with her having access to him whenever she feels like. I told him to get firm with her and get HR involved or I'm walking. I'm serious too. He certainly has the option of quitting his job, but I will suffer greatly from that and I have suffered enough. My husband makes excellent money to keep me home with the 2 kids and living a comfortable lifestyle. I don't want to give it up.

The other thing I struggle with is how he "fell" for her to begin with. The things I've learned about her after all this have made my stomach turn. She is not even a good person. She uses drugs, has temper tantrums and here is the kicker...the whole time she was screwing my husband...she was screwing other dudes too. And he knew this and he continued to put my life in danger having sex with her. Plus he really thought he loved her. He saw a divorce attorney and everything during their affair...yes while she slept with other guys and he knew it. She told me herself when we talked that she was trying to get over my husband by sleeping with other guys.

How could he fall for such a slut? How could he risk his job, our financial status, his career and family for a slut? I don't get it.

He says he was in the pits of hell, ravished by sin and unable to get out of it. He says that God has revealed to him that he did not love her and loved me all along. That he loves me even more. He has cried many nights during our prayer time and asked me to forgive him. I'm trying but it is sooo hard. Every time I think I'm making progres, he has some "story" about her like the phone call. I can't do it. I'm thinking of leaving the marriage. I will collect good alimony and child support for several years till I can get my feet on the ground again. I left a job 4 years ago making over $100K to be home. I can make it on my own if I need to.

How are you guys staying strong and why didn't you consider divorce? I don't think I love him anymore. We are in great Christian counseling, but I'm so destroyed it isn't helping enough.

Please advise and pray for me too.
Thanks!

Oh, God will help you! Keep your faith! I may sound strong, but trust me, I am not. As for thinking of divorce, I have, but I still LOVE my husband. We have three beautiful daughters, and when I am with them as a family, I do not think I can separate them. I do not want to become a single mom, who takes care of the kids most of the time, and then sends them off to their dad's house for fun. Also, I do not want to ever spend a holiday or birthday without them, and after divorce you do that. I am willing to sacrafice my own happiness for theirs. That said, I still consider my H my best friend. He still makes me feel good, and I can still be intimate with him on many levels.
Also, I don't know about you, but my self-esteem is shot, and to be honest I do not think I could get another man, most of the time. I'm not the most attractive thing out there <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> It doesnt help that the girl he slept with was all that most men find physically attractive. She too, was a crazy slut, and as he is telling more and more about her, and since she contacted me this morning, I am really seeing her for the nutbag she is. I can't believe that this man that I thought was so smart could be dooped by this woman.
Anyway, I know you are feeling hurt and dont feel like you love him, but from all that I read that is normal. Keep posting, and read as much as you can. You really will learn alot. As for divorce, ask yourself this, are you ready to give up the life you have now? Will your life really be better without him? Also, one of the books I read said that you shouldn't make any permanent decisions for at least 3 months.
Something to think about at least.

I ride the emotional rollercoaster of feeling strong, then weak. I haven't seriously considered divorce due to my 3 kids, the strange fact that I still love my wife, the fact that she is doing everything in her power to be honest, change, and move forward. I can't explain it really. You are a Christian. So am I. If we were perfect ourselves then I would think God would say "go ahead." But as long as my W has repented and is willing to work on it, I feel I need to hang in there and allow God's grace and reconstructive miracle to take place. If she cont'd on her destructive path I would choose differently for the sake of the children. I am hurting with you!

Rocked,
to answer your question:
BTW, who's taking care of your 2 year old while your typing? Is it nap time? ha.
Yes, it is nap time, but most of the day that I have been on the computer, she is siting next to me playing. Now, my 9 year old is sick of me typing, but she is playing with my 4 yr.old. To be honest, for the last 2 weeks, I have not been the mom that I normally am. I have let my mom, my dad, and even my H, when he was around, take care of them, so that I can have time for myself.
I hate saying that, I sound like an awful mom, when in reality my children are my life!

Dear True,
After what I have experienced I am convinced now more than ever that beauty really is what's on the inside. Things like character, faithfulness, integrity, honesty, compassion, and thinking of others before thinking of one's self. Don't talk down about your attractiveness. I haven't seen what your face looks like but I know from your posts that God made you a very beautiful and special woman, mom, and wife. All 3 of us need to remember that God is the ultimate meeter of our needs, not man/woman. An old saying goes soemthing like this...."when all is is lost, there's still Jesus!" Sounds churchy but it really is true. I'll be praying for truetoself and Godhelpme2

Again, thanks for the nice words. I dont know if I deserve them, but hey, I'll take a compliment <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> Thanks for the prayers, I, too, will pray hard. Do you pray for the OM? I didn't at first, but when my sister-in-law started to pray for me right after all this happened, she prayed for the OW, too, and it reminded me that we ARE supposed to pray for our enemies too. I know that this girl is seriously messed up, and I feel like she needs God's presence even more than I do. Don't worry about sounding churchy, I think we need that at times of sorrow.

Yes, my wife and I have been praying for the guy and his wife. Remember, he and I used to be employed at the same place so we all know each other. I have intellectually forgiven him but in no way have the emotions settled down when I picture he and my W 2gether. By praying for them (and their 3 kids) I believe my W's and my hearts mend faster. I was tempted to cal lhim a few weeks after the D-Day to have a more rational talk but a couple of my friends advised against it.

Question: Are you and your H seeing a counselor? My W and I are not and am wondering about the long-term ramifications.

No, we have not started counceling, but are planning on it when the move is complete. I would like us to be in MC AND IC. I think I need counceling to help get over the pain, but I think my H needs it to figure out why his relationship with me was not enough for him.
Im glad to hear that you & your W pray together. That's one thing my H is not--religious. Is your W totally commiitted to reconcile, or has there been conflict?

She says she is committed to it and her behavior and submissive nature points that direction. What do the initials mean again? MC...

oh, sorry <img border="0" title="" alt="[Razz]" src="images/icons/tongue.gif" /> They mean marriage counceling and individual counceling. I think we should go through both. IN fact the one book I read said that in the author's opinion, you needed to have at least 10 sessions together. People who had less tended not to make it. Not to scare you, but that scared me, because I'm not sure we can afford much counceling. It's soo expensive.

Do you belong to a local church where you could at least meet with the Pastor? He may have less-expensive options to share with you? Oh yeah...being brand new to your area you may not have connected to a church yet. I have networks around the country if you feel comfortable enough giving me your city/state. You can do it thru my private email if you don't want every one getting that info. Lemmeno.

right now, I am too busy with the move to think about belonging to a new church. I am seeing my parent's pastor tomorrow. We are moving to a VERY small town, but I when we are there I might need help. We'll see. I'm hoping my parents pastor might know a couple of people. Thanks for the suggestions!

The book I mentioned earlier, "Relationship Rescue" by Dr. Phil, to me is filling our need for counseling. In fact, he makes a comment in his book that after 25 years of doing clinical counseling his conclusion is that most of it doesn't work. That based on the fact that marriages are still failing even after seeing the Doc. Even though I feel I am the victim I have benefited from the book. It has made me painfully aware of how I had a part in creating the environment pre-A for our marriage. My W may have made the actual decision to act on her feelings, but I helped set the stage. After all, my needs weren't being met either. Ranting again. Thanks for your patience!

normally, I would agree with the most of it doesnt work aspect, but I guess whe you feel deperate enough, you'll try anything. Plus, my mom is a councelor, and she is remiding me that it can help answer some questions.

I hope you guys don't mind me becoming a part and making this a threesome. I am glad to see that you are Christians and understand the concept of repentance. My husband had made sooooo many changes, but I still feel that they are not enough. He got an e-mail from her today that he forwarded me about work and sure enough she threw in some personal comment about her being sick. He needs to let her know that he doesn't care. That she can't continue to try and "get personal" with him. This is work.

Anyway we are in counseling. We started about 3 weeks before D-day. She is wonderful! I highly recommend it.

Truetoself. I totally think I can get another man. Not because I'm so beautiful, but because I'm a good person. I've always felt my husband was more attractive than me, but so what. I'm a good person and that is what he loved/loves about me.

My issues with my hubby are different too. He grew up without a father and is not very family or father focused. He has been consumed by his job (which he has totally excelled at) and he has gained some significant status as a result. I believe the OW (who I pray for, but never hear him pray for) started out as a groupie for him. Someone who preformed sexual favors on demand while being impressed by who he was. It is deeper than that he was her boss. He has a lot of status and pull. Eventually he says to justify what he was doing he started to believe the lie that he loved her and that I was doing everything wrong. He said that was the only way he could continue the relationship, to lie to himself. He said he began to believe the lie and that is what pulled him in so deep. He says his blinders have been lifted. He's digusted with what he did and with her. But he will not get firm with her about work.

feel free to join. That is what this board is about. I wish my H could tell me that it was a lie, and that he did not really develop feelings for her. I know that doesn't make it any easier for you, but that is the part of their affair I have the most problem with. That and that he could lie to me so easily. Me, his best friend.
I am glad to hear you are in counceling, and really do hope that it pays off for you.

It's hard for me to believe that a man of such position and influence can't get a dang email issue resolved. I'm sure he has higher-ups he can petition. If she has continued initiating contact against company directives why doesn't he terminate her? Am I missing something?

Dear 2,
I also wanted to say how great it is you have such a positive attitude about yourself. in the first few days, I did not have the feelings like he had sex with her because she was more attractive than me, and I still don't think that, even though thre truth is that she is. I dont have a problem with that part at all. I just wish I was as strong as you in your getting another man conviction. See, you are strong, and sound very smart as well! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

Oh no Rocked, you are not missing something...he is. And that was what I told him in no uncertain terms last night. I said "Your days of having your cake and eating it to are OVER!" You've kept your job, your family and her as an employee. I'll be damned if you are going to keep her as a friend. I told him to talk to HR TODAY about her personal messages or that he could get packing and get out!

He sent me an e-mail just about 10 minutes ago telling me he was heading into a meeting with HR. SOOOOO I will let you know what they said and what will happen from here.

He doesn't want to be mean to her, but what do I care? Like I told him last night, I'm done trying to make things easy on you. You created this mess, I will NOT help you clean it up. I gave in and let you (yes LET) you continue to work there. I will NOT stand for a relationship other than professional.

I told him if he was SMART (though we see he isn't as bright as he thinks he is)he would make it as uncomfortable as possible for her so she'd leave. This friendly business makes it comfortable for her.

YOU GO GIRL! If I was your husband and you talked to me like that I'd be shakin' in my penny loafers. Heck, I'm shakin' now at my keyboard!

Be strong and courageous. Fight for your marriage...and fight for things to be done right and quickly! If he's not willing to respond accordingly then maybe that's your sign!?