True here, but only for a short time. I hope everybody had a great night. I guess I did. Today is exactly one month from d-day. In fact it was just about this time on that beautiful Sunday morning. Did you guys do anything on that one month day? Did you feel like you were any better? I think it's going to be one of those days. We'll see.
Have a super day all, I will check in when I can.

True,
I can't really remember what happened on the one month date. We are now at just over 2 months. Had more talks last night as to what led her to the A. Same stuff she mentioned before with a reiteration of her sorrow, disgust, repentance and commitment to our rebuilding of an even better marriage. We're doing pretty good. Mostly depends on me and my mindset. She's been patient with me and her behavior has demonstrated she's not wanting to fall back into contact with the OM or even feelings or thoughts about what happened. I hope your H is progressing the same.

Good morning all. Bad night. Lots to tell you so forgive me for the long post. I almost wrote you guys at midnight last night while I was up in tears. First off, sorry True that this is a bad reminder for you. I don't remember my 1 month and am quickly approaching my 2 month.

Anyway, last night my h and I decided to read some chapters in a book called Boundries in Marriage. Pretty good. We are just starting it. There was a chapter called the "good" spouse and it talks about the "good" spouse (by the way this book isn't about infidelity) taking a moral high ground with the "bad" spouse. So after discussing it, my husband finally tells me that he thinks I have taken a moral high ground in this and that I won't admit anything I've done wrong. So I asked him for an example and here is what he told me.

He said that after I found out about his A, I trashed him to people I was confiding in...my sister, some close friends. He said, I was still his wife and he my husband and I should have behaved more "Godly". I am to respect him and lift him up and I did not at this time. He said it hurt him that I was disrespecting him by calling him names to other people...etc. Valid point. BUT not quite realistic.

So let me explain how I was feeling when he told me that. Yesterday while reading my bible study, I read Ezra and it talks about how he tore his clothes and pulled hair from his head and beard and wept bitterly when he learned his people where sinning. Then we remember Jesus and how he turned over the tables in the synagoge when he saw his people defiling the house of God. These people (like me) were not just upset, they hadn't just been sinned against...they were HORRIFIED! It isn't like my saying to my husband "our daughter was killed by a car" it would be me saying "I killed our daughter." Big difference in the way you would take it, and probably big difference in the way you would react.

So, I am thinking to myself while he is telling me this that I think it is an accomplishment that I got out of bed every morning and got my kids dressed and fed. I think the fact that I DIDN'T have nervous breakdown with this revelation should be commended. I think the fact that I didn't slash her tires or his, divorce him or plunge a knife in his heart should all be commended. I could have reacted as "violently" as Ezra in light of my "HORROR" in this discovery. He didn't just cheat on me. He cheated on me for a year, with someone I know and made a public spectical of it all. I thought, "I can't believe that you are going to criticize me in ANYWAY about how I reacted to this." The fact that I am still married to you and you are alive is proof enough that I handled this the best I could. The most "Godly" way I could under the circumstances.

I was so hurt because I felt like he didn't get the devestation that he caused me if he could find fault in my reaction to learning. I got up abruptly to go downstairs to pray. He followed me down and I asked him to leave me be. I cried and prayed for awhile and fell asleep on the coach. He came and got me after and hour and I went to bed but we did not speak or touch. This morning we prayed before he left.

We have counseling today and I will discuss it there. I am angry and hurt by what he said to me last night. Am I wrong? Should I not be pleased with how I've conducted myself in light of all this? Can anyone understand that in a blinding horror, I may have reacted "poorly" for a brief time, till the horror passed and the reality set in? What did you guys do? Did you all embrace your spouses and hold them lovingly and pray and forgive? Did any of you do what I did? I called him names and bashed him to a select group for a couple of days. Was it wrong? Sure! Was it understandable? I think so. What about you?

Hi All,
Real quick here...I will spend more time when I arrive home this evening reading in detail 2's post (heading out to visit a dear friend whos H is in Stage 4 of lung cancer).
2-First...breathe. I wish I could talk to you face to face so you can see my expressions of empathy instead of this flat screen. I need to tell you I am surprised at your reaction to your H's giving his honest feelings to you. Your anger and hurt did push you to those places he is telling you about, not that they weren't well deserved, but in truth it happened. Try to get this is good vs bad thought out of your conversations. I feel the book may have not been a good choice so close to DDay. It sounds like he is begining to feel you may never "respect" him again and he may be giving up. Again, I will try to explain myself better later tonight.
Peace with all of you today.

Hi Holiday. Thank you for reminding me that he was being truthful. That is a step in the right direction. So am I however. I was really angry that he tried to find fault with my reaction. I thought it was unsympathetic and quite self centered. How could he care that he was hurting after what he did to me. He should be willing to "take one" for me in this for a long time to come. He should be willing to suffer the hurt feelings my reaction caused him for some time. The fact that he brought it up actually bothered me. OK, so you are hurt. OK, so what do you want me to do about it? It wasn't purposeful, it was a reaction to the horror. Deal with it.

2, What a tough time. I felt the same way when my H said something like, You are the only one hurting. I thought, you know, you're right but you are the one who hurt me. You don't have a right to hurt over this. This is what I told my husband. I am glad you are finally able to open up and tell me the truth, especially about your feelings, but you have to be prepared for me to not act as "Godly" as I should when you reveal new things to me, whether they are details, or emotions. I will probably get angry, and I will try not to lash out, but I can't promise. You need to know that this is only a temporary emotion, and when I have had time to process it, I will be able to speak more clearly. I will be able to thank you for your honesty, and I will be able to help you deal with your hurt as well. My H has taken this pretty well. I can really beat him up with my words sometimes. I tried to keep it in the other night, and it began to fester. He told me that he would rather sit through an hour of me telling him that he is Satan himself than to have me sit there and get the way I was the past 2 days. I know you are not supposed to do that, b/c it could leave him with scars that are deep as well, but like you said, he is willing to take one for the team, and for me, that tells me he is serious about his renewed committment to me. I have said some horrible things in my fits of rage. The worst part is that I do not yell and scream, I tell him in a very calm hateful voice that even makes me scared. Again, that is not what you are supposed to do, and I am trying to get better. I told him to expect this for at least three months(statistics show that the initial shock lasts for about that long).
Anyway, I read this quote in one of my books called Surviving Infidelity, and I would like to share it. It was spoken by a woman named Virginia Satir, who was making some refelctins about life as she was dying. Here it is:
Life is not the way it is supposed to be. It is the way it is. The way you cope with it is what makes the difference......The event does not determine how to respond to the event, that it purely a personal matter. The way in which we respond will direct and influence the event more than the event itself.
I think we are all responding to our events well, and that we need to keep in mind that we can make this event in our lives what we want it to be. Keep strong, and we all will survive.

Rocked, Dog? Where are you guys? Come on I need you now. I'm really not sure about this one.

True, thank you for your thoughts. I read Surviving Infidelity and remember that quote. I think all things considered, I've handled this event well. I felt like my husband was trying to make me take some responsibility for doing things wrong. Since he can't blame me for the affair, because I can't fix what I don't know is wrong, he is blaming me for my reaction to the affair. That I should recognize I am "unGodly" too because of the way I reacted. I think that is BS and I think it is wrong for him at this time to point a finger at me for anything I've done wrong (especially this) in light of his behavior. How dare he try to make me feel worse. I am really angry.

Am I a sinner? Of course! Have I fallen short and disappointed God like he did? Of course! Do I think I am better than my husband? No! But I do think I have handled myself both in the face of temptation like his and with this situation well. I think I deserve credit for it, not criticism. I'm not sure if he got that.

2, I think I read somewhere that itis common for the unfaithful spouse to find fault in the BS. in a way, it is a justification. Even though it deals with your behavior afterward, it takes some of the guilt he is feeling and places it on you. That is not fair, and you don't deserve it, and you have every right to feel the way you do. He is the one who is wrong here. He needs to humbly ask your forgiveness, and to be sincere in all he does. It is up to you to decide if he is doing that and if you are willing to work on it. Can you calmly explain this to him? Can you put your anger into more productive and positive statements? I know that is not easy, but please don't let it fester, that makes everything so much worse.

Thank you True for your understanding. That is why I need you guys so much and have come to literally rely on you for my healing.

I did not discuss it with him at all. I cried and prayed and told him this morning that we would discuss it in counseling which is later today. Hopefully she can help us make sense of this.

Also, tomorrow is my next D-day. I am going to my husbands job and I will see the OW for the first time. I am ready and feel I need to get it out of the way. I have nothing to say and my plan is only to greet her...like everyone else there. Please pray that it goes well.

Thanks True and I am willing to hear from the rest of you too! Off to lunch with a friend.

Where is everybody today? I finally have internet access again, and there aren't many people talking! Maybe that is a sign that we are all healing. Or maybe you all have busy lives while I sit in the country all alone. OK OK I know I should be unpacking, and getting my house in order, especially afte the last couple days of depression, but I guess I'm being lazy. 2, I hope lunch was yummy! And yes, I will say extra prayers for you tonight!
Hope everybody else is swell! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Razz]" src="images/icons/tongue.gif" />

2,
In all honesty my head is spinning relative to your situation. It's hard for me to follow your reasoning. I believe you are handling some things well and others in very extreme ways. I like you have been betrayed but I didn't go around and tell people locally about it much less our close friends. Yeah I was hurt, but something inside me - the protective nature of being the H possibly - kept me from broasting the news or lashing out in anger with words, threats, phone calls, etc. It's partly my personality not to do so too I guess.

From the very beginning I made it clear in this discussion group that I believe BOTH partners help create the environment for an A to happen. We didn't make the selfish decision to drops our pants but we did have a part in the A at least as far as creating the environment. However I haven't sense that you believe the same. You have mostly only pointed fingers at your H's terrible role and defended your innocence. Speaking the truth in love, I really believe you're going to have to own up to more of the environment creating than you have if you want to keep your H from feeling beaten down, discouraged and ready to call it quits. Fight fire with fire. If your H is in denial and not wanting to change, yeah then get in his face, curse and tell him how bad he's been. BUT...if he has repented, is humble and exhibiting changed behavior, then show him grace, forgiveness and the beauty of your gentle and soft spirit of acceptance. Give him a reason to fall back into you and to pursue you as the apple of his eye. You are a beautiful woman. May your home be filled with the sweet fragrance of your tenderness and the glory of God's grace.

Listen to your MC, learn from the past, but focus on the future.

"Above all, love each other deeply, because love covers over a multitude of sins." (1 Peter 4:8)

Hi True,
I'm here. Did you get my last email?

Hey DM,
You ingnoring me? Arf! Arf!

Hey Holiday,
Thank you for your pearls of wisdom. Hope you sell a million$ on ebay!

Hey 2,
I love you in the Lord. Thanks for being a God's Girl. You're going to make it!!!

Hi Rocked and everybody!

I'm back from counseling. Got some good insight from our MC about the situation. She basically said that the way we are looking at things is very gender different and neither one of us is "wrong". She did tell my husband not to expect me to take ANY responsibility for what happened for awhile, so to lighten up. He needs to accept all the blame for some time.

Rocked I do understand your point about both parties contributing to an affair. But how come you can't believe that one person maybe totally innocent? I understand NOW that there were things I could have done to make things better, but what good was it for me to learn NOW? I needed to learn pre-affair. It isn't my fault that my husband refused to discuss things with me. Why didn't I pick up on that? Because that was one of the main reasons why I loved him. He was easy going and agreeable. I can't fix what I don't know is broken.

Also, my husband has had both this MC and the previous one 6 months earlier point out that his need to feel "supported" is excessive and that he should not expect me or anyone else to fill that void in him. So again, how can I be responsible for his excessive need to feel supported which probably stems from childhood? Now that I know I can help overcompensate, but again, not knowing isn't my fault!

As far as telling everyone, if my goal was to shame him, I would have told our neighbors, his mom, my parents, church folks, etc. I have told close friends and see nothing wrong with that. They have been a tremendous help for us during this time. I am glad that we have surrounded ourselves with Christians friends because they have all showed tremendous love and grace during this time. I have not been causual at all with the people I have shared this with. Sorry you got that impression. The other thing to keep in mind seeing as our situations are very different is that A LOT of folks picked up on it. My husband's personality and behavior changed ALOT during the year he was in this affair and as I became sad over the state of my marriage with some close friends, I was a bit surprised in the beginning to have several people close to us(including my mother) ask me (knowingly) if he had cheated. In retrospect, it was pretty obvious. And remember, people at his job picked up on it too. Again, it was obvious to a lot of people.

As far as my name calling of him and stuff, that was all in the beginning. That was within the first 2 weeks of learning this. Since that time, I have actually tried my best to lift him up when he is having his moments of repentance and sorrow. I have been calm and vented my rage on this very understanding message board! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> I have tried to understand the situation, and feel that I am making progress in that. I cannot however accept being told that my reaction was somehow "unGodly" or that I fell short in my reaction to this horrific revelation. All things considered I think I've done well. 2 weeks of name calling for 1 year of an affair, I'd switch places with him.

Now, we all have very different personalities and so how one of us reacts is very different from how the other might react. In addition, we have VERY different situations (for example I will see the OW face to face tomorrow) and that certainly helps or hinders the way we will heal.

Rocked with you being a dude, I think you are more logical and less emotional like us girls. The MC today really pointed that out as a BIG gender difference.

None the less, I appreciate your feedback very much. I don't want you to hold back on your opinion at all. That is why I bounce this off you guys. But as far as me taking responsiblity and stuff for the A, we are going to have to agree to disagree. Sometimes, conflicts can end that way (I'm teaching my husband that) and it be totally OK with no hard feelings!

I don't know if I will get a chance to post before I see OW tomorrow. Please pray for me that nothing unexpected happens.

God Bless and Good night!

Good evening everyone...

2-I am glad to read all went well in your counseling session. I don't necessarily agree that it is gender different in how we see this. I don't beleive either of you to be "wrong" either. I hope your counseling sessions aren't two strong women against one man.

I am going to have to say that what Rocked said was what I was trying to say to you this morning. He has almost said it word for word.

Your statement: -He said that after I found out about his A, I trashed him to people I was confiding in...my sister, some close friends. He said, I was still his wife and he my husband and I should have behaved more "Godly". I am to respect him and lift him up and I did not at this time. He said it hurt him that I was disrespecting him by calling him names to other people...etc. Valid point. BUT not quite realistic.-

I think what your H might have been trying to tell you is that you may have acted less Godly-like in your anger about the situation. If you talk to him, as it appears in your posts (and I am trying to say this, speaking the truth in love, as Rocked has put it), you may stand more Godly-like at this point, which may make your H feel that you are placing yourself continually on a higher moral ground. True, for his A you may be, but for the problems in your M he might be saying you played a part, which I believe we, as BS, all have.

I may have said this before, that we are two people which become one in the eyes of the Lord the day we are married. I feel that my H's faults and my faults become part of each of us. I think your H may want you to come closer to his level to heal. "In sickness and in health". Do I make sense?

I understand the choice for the A was not my fault, but I do feel partially responsible for my H not feeling I was someone he could open up to nor able confide in at a time when he may have needed me the most. I do know I shut down at times. And probably because he wasn't meeting my needs at that time either. So you have a catch 22. A vicious cycle. But when will it end? Who ends it, does it matter? So long as it ends and we work this all out, somehow.

2, maybe you've realized that being the BS means you will be carrying the majority of load for your M at this time. No one likes this thought. 51/49. Mountains/Valleys. But, I feel if you wish to be with this man for the rest of your life right now, you need to make that "your" choice and please try to give up the right and wrong, the who done who bad etc lifestyle. It's going to melt your M to the core.

My H told me the other night before we fell asleep, that he was truly sorry for the hurt he had placed on me, that he was thankful for me loving him with all his faults and for always being there for him. I told him that's because "I had made a promise."

Try and remember...Through all of this, God is standing beside our WS's too.

Good morning all. How is everyone doing? DogMom where have you been? Yesterday ended up being a pretty good day. I was really surprised. Last night was a little tough. My H admitted to me that it has been difficult without the OW to talk to. Although I am so happy that he is being open and honest with me finally, it hurts that someone besides me fills his mind. He tells me that it is purely friendship at this point, but I guess I have never needed someone else to talk to. Until now. He also told me that he still desires her sexually sometimes. I know this is the addiction thing, but that still hurts as well. He even told me that if we were still back there, he could see it progressing to more again. Did he not learn his lesson? Do I still mean so little to him? He told me that it should show me how much he loves me that he is not talking to her, but does that show me that? He says that it shows me that he did choose me, but, I hate to admit it, I feel like he only chose me because he was forced to. If he had not been found out, he would still be in contact with her, and would still be choosing her.
Wow, I don't know where all that came from, I was having such a good morning. Will these moods ever become more consistent? I hope so. I really do love this man, but am having such a difficult time. I know you all know what I mean.
Oh, that reminds me that I was going to tell you that my MC said that talking to guys is probably better than any therapy. In any kind of grief, a support group of people in the same sitch. is very effective <img border="0" title="" alt="[Razz]" src="images/icons/tongue.gif" /> So smile in knowing you are a help through your suffering!

Rocked is back in the house.

True - I'm glad too that we all have this group as a support. Don't know where my thinking and heart would be w/o you all.

2 - I love you even if we agree to disagree. And for clarification, I did not say we, as BS's, are responsible for the AFFAIR. I said we are responsible for "our part" in creating the environment in our marriage for an A to happen. It has a lot to do with each partners needs being fully met; the communication dynamic we create (ex. safe to share openly vs. fear to speak up); balance of work/home; and a host of other important elements. I believe you when you say you were doing your best as a W and Mom, and that your H has other issues (ex. upbringing, self-esteem, etc.) that played into his decision. But, I agree with Holiday that if you stand on the higher ground ("I'm not responsible") it will result in a continued gap betw you and your H and slow the process of healing.

Good luck with your OW contact.

Good morning support group. I am getting ready for The Purpose Driven Life book study with my neighbors today. I invited 3 of my neighbors to do the book with me and today is the first day. I'm nervous and excited.

Then I'm off to lunch with the husband and to see the OW. MC thought it was a great idea that we show not just her, but his whole office we are united in this marriage. I am very nervous. My husband told me he would not be surprised if the OW tried to hug me and engage me in small talk (for appearance sake and remember we always knew and liked each other.) I'm glad he gave me that heads up so I can be prepared. PLEASE PRAY! I'm scared to death!

Rocked and Holiday, I admire your guy's strength. I'm glad that during this time you are able to look at yourselves honestly. I know that I have and I know that there are places I have yet to explore. Maybe this weekend during my beach weekend away. But I think my MC was correct in saying I'm still dealing with the HORROR of it all. Like I said, our situations are all different. Mine is unique in that 1) I knew her (she had thanksgiving dinner at my house once!) 2) they still work together 3)I just discovered that their were several emotional affairs, before and during this time. That is ALOT of Horror! We had a wonderful weekend though and there are good times and bad.

True, can you e-mail me privately at godhm2@sbcglobal.net. I want to share my thoughts with you about what you said this morning.

I'll let you guys know what did or didn't happen today.

God Bless!

2,
You are correct in that we all have unique situations. You and your MC would know the best how to process and proceed. Love ya, and thanks for listening to my sometimes differing opinions and advice.

I will be praying for you that when you hug the OW you won't jab the letter opener deep into her back until she falls over dead. HA. IN OUR DREAMS, RIGHT!

2, I will be praying all morning! OK, not all morning, but you know what I mean. That has to be so difficult, I can't even imagine. Also, The Purpose Driven life is such a great book. I loved it. An interesting fact, I was studying that late at night while my H was on the internet with the OW. Although I felt like I learned a lot from that book, I sure wish I had taken that time to be with my H now. Oh well, can't change the past can we?
I will email you as soon as I post this. I am looking forward to your insight!
Rocked, waiting patiently for your reply! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

True- did you not get it? Check again. If not, you know how to reach me.