Rocked,
Yes, I believe that my H is broken over his A. He says he hates himself more than I could ever hate him. I think he knows that he made a HUGE mistake, and at this point I believe that he will NEVER do this again--that is if we really work on the pre-A issues.
Believe it or not, I also think of the forgiveness thing in relationship to God's forgiveness of us. It is amazing that we can betray Him everyday of our lives, by just being, and He still loves and forgives us! If only I could be Godly!

Hey Guys! True, PLEASE try my exercise. You will do so much better and be happier if you purposefully STOP THINKING ABOUT IT! I know because I just went through it. It isn't any fun to think all the things you are thinking. You are right, it isn't fair! But now what?!

Instead of driving yourself crazy (like I was) focus on Christ on the cross. Stop yourself from thinking. It will help.

Just so you know, the idea comes from several secular books I've read about affairs and how to deal with the aftermath. I changed it to instead of just stopping the thinking, focusing on Christ instead. It works! If you REALLY want to stop being unhappy and making yourself crazy, try it...for a week.

It is working for me. I only get sad now (and that is far and in between) and no longer angry and defeated. Just sad, and then I remember what God gave us back from Satan's camp and I'm happy again! Have a great weekend.

Love you guys!
Good luck!

Hello, I need advice...... I wrote in a week or so ago, my husband of 9 yrs, has been having affairs with different women, in pursuit of sex,swinging,excitement I guess.None of the affiars have seemingly meant anything until now. He has been getting to know a girl 10yrs younger who lived halfaway across the world via email, this went on for 2 yrs, and 2 years ago they consummated their relationship and since then he has been flying there , flying her here, linking business trips to see her taking her away to places that I have never been and even rented out a basement 7 blocks from our home for her for a few months. all of this I was oblivious to until jan 16thDDAY.. I got into his email and found this all out because on jan 5th he left the family home because he was having major emotional issues and could not be there for me and the kids (4 and 9) and desired to fix himself before he could come back. he had told me that he wanted space , he admitted for the first time to being sexually abused by a man when he was 12, he has a marijuana addiction, he had a business venture for 2 years that ended and he was depressed about these things or so I thought. I reluctantly told him that i understood that he needed time , but I wanted to help if I could. So I guess I basically gave my blessing for hime to separate himself.
The first night that he was on his own, he never told us that he would not be coming back, he basically never came home and showed up the next morning early to pretend to the children that all was okay, that is when i started to get suspicious.(that day happened to be the day that he picked her up from the airport from her country) he never even told me the address of this place, that is what prompted me to go into his email after several days.
I discovered that for the last 2 years he would meet girls by going out, getting email adresses, many of these people were nannies, foreign types , meet up have sex and move on to the next conquest, he is on swinger sites, and while seeing this new girl , even cheated on her. Well I also found out that the person that he lives with is this person that he had the long term e-mail relationship with and he orchestrated her move to the US via supplying bank account info etc. so she could come as a student so that they can :begin their Life " together, I also discovered that in nov 04 she had an abortion of his child which he told her he did not want. ,It has been hell in my life since Jan 5th escpecially since DDay. I am confused because, he did not expect me to discover about this situation so he has been reacting as though, he is trying to fix his life so that he can come back to the family. I have been fed so many lies that I do not know whether to believe in him or not. Why does he have to have her in his life. he tells me that he loves me and he loves our family and that he wants to come back. In fact today we just went to refinance to complete house repairs and he wants us to sell in april and move to a nother area to a bigger home. He says one thing , but yet is doing something else. his excuse is that he is not comfortable in this apartment and he misses his home and the relationship between them is not going well. LYING? he is trying to help with the children out of guilt and then after a few hours he goes back to his place with her. I ask about when she is leaving, he replies that I should give him space so that he can get her to leave on her own without actually asking him. He is using her as a crutch. We argue a lot about his situation and I am sharp and sarcastic in my approach,\. I cannot help it. Most of the time I am walking around in a fog because he has so blatantly chosen someone else, physically bringing her to this country. In my mind I know that this is threatening to me because , he must love her quite a lot to do this. I understand that he feels additional guilt over the abortion and maybe he feels he owes it to her. My disbelief a and denail over the real situation makes me speculate constantly.
When I insist that he made his choice because I am trying to look at the "writing on the wall", he claims she is not his choice. he then retaliates at me and telling me that when i argue it draws him closer to his crutch of smoking or her , I guess, because of the deep gulit feelings and emotional turmoil that he is experiencing.
I become infuriated when I find him unavailable because of his plans with her, he took her an aquarium one day that he told the kids he would be spending the day with them., he has never ever taken our kids there. her claims it was so that she could see this before she returns to her home.
Today i told him to expect that I would be filing for divorce beacuse the same thing happened today regarding the kids schedule and I needed him to be a dad and he is unavailable because he is taking her somewhere, overnite , i guess, and he just borowwed 100 from me, because he is broke. I am feeling uncertain about the refinance , beacuse we will collect about $100K , which will be invested partially (he wants me to control this) and part is to complete the repairs on the house. I am skptical about his motives,and i dont trust him. hIS RENT IS 800 AND I KNOW THAT HE DOESNT EVEN HAVE it for this month because i asked him. he is paying for the mortgage here. is he trying to access the refi money so that he cna take it and run with her???? part of me , wants to belive in him and give him the chances he is begging me for so that we can give this marriage a real chance. I feel he needs to ask her to leave and move back home, so that WE can help with his issues, but he is insisting on staying where he is. WHAT SHOULD I DO? SHOULD I GIVE HIM THE CHANCE THAT HE IS ASKING FOR OR GO TO THE LAWYER MONDAY MORNING? help meeeeee

Stacifier, please go see an attorny ASAP. The one thing you know for sure, is that NOTHING is for sure. He may be truthful and he may be lying, so you had better get your ducks in a row.

This man is pretty deceitful wouldn't you say? I would be terrified if I were you regarding any money issues. You have NOTHING to lose and EVERYTHING to gain by seeing the attorney. I did even when my husband had ended his A and was begging me to stay. He was doing "everything" right and I still went just to be safe. Your husband is not showing he is sincere, only telling you.

That is my advice. Please make sure you protect yourself and kids. See a GOOD attorney. It should cost you nothing and will give you some peace of mind.

Good luck girl. I'll pray for you.

godhelpme, thank you for your honesty and calling the situation as you see it, i need more of that. when you are accustomed to trusting someone for so long and you want things to work out, you will believe anything. i am scared and alone, i want to change the locks etc., but fear that this will bring our a nasty angry side. I will talk to the lawyer on monday.

Good morning to all. Wow, no messages this weekend! What a surprise!
All in the midlands is ok. Bad night last night, but good morning today.
I hope you all had a GREAT weekend, and got LOTS of Love Bank deposits.

True

I'm getting used to the fact that most of the days are pretty good and that I will forever have the memory of my W's A just one "dwelling session" away from making me nauseous and mildly depressed. I love her in the "now". I hate what she did and the person she was during that whole mess. I'm thankful though that I have it a lot easier than many on this MB website. God spared me and my marriage.

True, I read what you posted on another thread and am worried about you. I sense a hardening toward your H and the prospect of recovery that was once not there. Am I right?

No, Rocked. To be honest with you I didn't even realize I sounded so bitter until my H told me that he had read my posts and I sounded like the most bitter person here. I think like I use this as my negative get away. I mean, I get out all of my negative and hopless feelings here so that they don't spew out at my H. However, he started reading, and got very upset. It hurt him to think I was falling out of love with him. So, I have asked him not to read here anymore. This is MY place to vent, or get reassurance, and that way I can say some things without him feeling some of the hatred that does well up inside of me.
Does that make sense? I hope so.

Yes, that makes sense. And it's good for us here to know that as we can be unaware that you don't vent these things out on your H as well. I just encourage you be as open with your H as possible - even the bitter stuff - as until things are fully out the "two of you" can't work on those issues together. By what you wrote about your H's reaction it sounds as if he is softening up to your feelings. That's a good thing! Take care.

Haven't seen anyone here for a few days...that is a positive thing!!
Hope you all have a wonderful day. You're in my prayers...

hello all im new here and i wish i didnt need this but i do. And i need all the help i can get I just found out 5 days ago about my husbands affair, it happened with a co-worker that was suppose to be both our friends. her husband suspected something was going on and he confonted them both with me there and i defended them saying they were just friends!!! I feel like such a fool!! my husband and i would like to stay together, so any help in how to get past all this would be so helpfull

Hi Sharon,
I am also very sorry you have to be here. Have you initated No Contact? Inn order for recovery to happen, you need to establish this. You will find a lot of information on this site, and lots of support. If you need immediate replies, go to the General Questions II board. There are usually more people there.
My H also had an A with a coworker. It is very hard for me to think of her as someone who once a friend to him. I think, from the way he talks about her, that she planned from almost the very beginning that she wanted more, and he fell into her "trap". Actually, he said he fantasized about more also, but he thought he could handle it. Now, for me, that hurts alot too. I mean what kind of happily married man thinks, gosh if only I wasn't married.... Sure, they all think about sex, I know that, but he could see them as a couple, too.
See, there are people who know how you feel.I am sorry to bring my story up, but I think you will see that a lot also. We are all hurting and it is nice to talk to others. I hope you find this board helpful!
READ, READ, READ! Then really apply the principles you learn. I hope all works out for you!
True

Good Morning Sharonkg and True...
I too am sorry too for your pain Sharonkg. Believe me this is the best place you could have come to right at this very moment.
This is the place to let it out, to find a "little" peace in the battle you are about to engage.

First, do you and your H want to reestablish your marriage? I would say you do just by being here at MB.
As True stated: READ EVERYTHING on the Marriage Builders website, I mean EVERYTHING!

The NC (no contact) for your H will be the hardest if he must work with the OW (other woman). If he tells you he is willing to do this, somehow, help him work this out, but be firm. You won't be able to work on the two of you if there is a 3rd party still involved.

Since my D-Day (this is my H's 2nd A), I must have read 4 books! surfed the web and posted here many times. This place helps answer all those questions you have no one at home to answer (or at least give you some sight through this fog you are wandering through).

Talk to us, we are all here to help one another.

Hey Everyone,
I'm not dead. Thinking about you all often. Following the posts but not as much time to reply as before. Anybody heard from DogMom? Maybe she's dead?? jk. True...how you doing? 2...you? Holiday, you're still positive and wise. Keep it up. Gotta run. Prayin4yall.

Rocked,
Hello! Yea, I was beginning to wonder if something happened to everyone. Unfortunately, I have as much time as ever to just "sit" and think. I guess I should get a job! I was a teacher in a former life <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />
Well, I just thought I would share with you all what my lovely H has been doing for me. Everyday since Monday, he has given me a little pre-Valentines day present. A balloon, some candy, a romantic evening, roses, and today--this was funny--a love bucket! Let me explain a little. See, H, can not remember love bank, he is always calling it my love bucket. And we were joking the other day that my old love bucket was damaged, and that I needed a new one. He said he would repair my old one, fill it, and when it was full, he would get me a new one. But, he didn't wait, he bought me a great big white bucket and wrote love on it in Japanese, and then glued pictures of us from the past in there. It was cute!
These things are a MAJOR change for my H. And I am soo happy. I hope that some day I can also get passed my pain, and start filling his love bucket with the admiration he so desires.
BTW, here is a question my H posed to me, so how would have you responded......He asked me knowing what I know today, would I have still married him? I originally responded no. But, then I have to take my children in to account, and even if he was the worse person in the world, I could still love him for giving those three beautiful girls to me, so now, I don't know. Anyway, just curious!

Hey, I meant to ask in my last post another question. I posted this on the General Questions II board, but nobody reponded <img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" /> Anyway, I have been thinking about taking a mini retreat to clear my head, and just "relax" without my kids and my H. I want to go and have fun, and just forget for a couple days. I even looked at short cruises! Do any of you have any ideas? I don't have a lot of money, but my H tells me that I have earned whatever I decide to do. SO any suggestions would be appreciated!

True...great to hear!! My H told me he has a surprise coming for Valentine's Day. He's working 10 hr a day for the next 10 days with OT (training for the FEMA team). Hopefully he'll get home not too late for our dinner plans on the 14th.
About a retreat...do you have a spa near you? Like a hotel kind of spa, where you can stay a few days?
I think of going to the coast and visiting my sister, but the weather is rather chilly.
I love your "love bucket". I think that is what we should call it here too.
Hope everyone is well.

Hi Guys

Just checking in. Please pray for me tomorrow. It will be a very hard day. Might see her and am in a situation that I was in last year (also with her there during the A and didn't know it). Had a HORRIBLE week. I don't know where all my strength and comfort in the Lord has gone.

Anyway, I took a mini vacation remember? It was great. I need another one. You should absolutely go and enjoy yourself. I got breakfast in bed, a massage, a long walk on the beach. It was awesome.

Please pray for me Sunday Feb. 13. Happy Valentine to all of you!
2

Hey All!
First, 2, I will be praying for you all day. I am so sorry you have to see her again. I am soo thankful that I am far away from our "old" life.
My daughter brought up her name tonight in the car. How am I supposed to respond to that? It is so hurtful that my H let this woman not only into his life but into my kids' lives as well.
FYI, I decided that I WILL go on that mini vacation. I think I may go on a mini cruise! That would be wierd by myself, but hey, I deserve something that "fancy", right?
Anyway, I was looking over the posts from when I first started here, and was amazed to see how much we talked to each other those first couple of days. I am so glad I found you all, and we helped each other. I miss talking to you all on a daily basis, but know many of you have actually moved passed the incredible pain that brought us here, and that's a good thing! Hopefully, I will someday get past my own pain.
Oh, Rocked, I think I finally know what you do for a living. Do I still get a free steak dinner? Just curious. I'll let you know what I think later! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />
Well, as you may be able to see from the time of this post it is VERY early on Sunday morning, so I better get to bed BEFORE the sun rises. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Razz]" src="images/icons/tongue.gif" />
True

Good Afternoon and hello!
Like True, I sure miss you guys, but understand we are moving forward.
2, so glad to hear from you, not glad to hear of your sitch again. You will be in my extra special prayers. You will be fine. You are one tough cookie, remember that. You will shine in the light!
I think sometimes God knows what we can handle, don't give up on him, he's always right beside us to put us back on track, maybe not when "we" think he should, but when "he" thinks he should.
I will check on you all. Hope you have a wonderful Sunday...
HAPPY VALENTINES DAY too!!