True...HAPPY BIRTHDAY!!!
I will make a wish for you today and wish that you start (family too) feeling much better.
It's our state of minds that make us so tired some days. Push, Girlfriend push foward. We need to keep the faith that "this too shall pass". Perhaps our lives will never be like they were before, perhaps they will become better through all our hard work.
Peace...

Thanks for the b-day wishes. Feeling better now, maybe even more hopeful.
I have decided that I am going to allow myself a certain amount of time each day to dwell. Yes, I will think about it probably all the time anyway, but I can only DWELL for 2 hours everyday. If I need all that time, I will take it, if not, then WOO HOO! I am hoping that as time rolls on I will not need it as much as I do now.
I am also coming to accept that my marriage was in trouble, and that because we were such good friends we just didn't realize that we were no longer acting like husband/wife. I know that needs to be a constant thing now, and that I will do better, even if I find I can't be with my H anymore. Hopefully, I will be able to forgive him, but I can't promise that now.
Anyway, got a really cool MP3 player for my b-day, and my first song to download is "The Reason". I wish my H would sing that to me everyday!
Well, I've gotta go. Thanks again for the good wishes!

Hey all! Hope you are all doing well this morning. I am feeling some effects from last night's "party". <img border="0" title="" alt="[Embarrassed]" src="images/icons/blush.gif" />
I better go for now! Have a SUPER day! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

Good morning,
Hope all is well...seems to be.
How positive can this be???
You are all still in my prayers.

I am new to the group. I just posted on Just Found Out. I think my situation is similar to your Truetoself. My husband and I have had a tough go at it for 3 years. Our relationship and situation are a bit more complicated, but I saw what you were saying about you feeling he was "whining" about his job, etc... I think I was guilty of that too. But it still did not stop me from telling him how good a husband he was, intelligent person he was, etc... But all of a sudden, a neighbour we have never had any contact with , shows up in the picture, when she needed help with some things. They started trading stories about how "unhappy" their lives were and there you go... start of an EA. And now they have started a business together. She works, so not much time is allocated or contact is involved. He is still doing all the leg-work and research. He is unable to "legally' work at the moment. That's part of this whole mess as well. Another story for another day.

He says we he doesn't think we should be married anymore. He wants his "freedom." In the meantime, I am trying to pick myself up off the floor as well as keep things as stable as I can for 4 children; 3 of them in Elementary school.
I think he's making a HUGE mistake and I have told him such. But he is making his stand. He told me what his plans are, and has told me that I need to find somewhere else to live with the other 3 children. Even though I am the one that has been working, since we came to the States 3 years ago, and 6 months pregnant with our child.

He keeps flip flopping from talking in we to he and I don't know what his motives are. He is sleeping on the sofa in our bedroom. I am sleeping on the bed. My 9 year old asked this morning why he was sleeping on he sofa. He just brushed it off to her that she was asking too many questions and to get dressed for school.

I have always been honest with my children. But, I think this is a mistake, and I am not wanting to say anything. My gut tells me that this will pass and everything will be ok. That is the hardest thing about all of this. I know what is in my heart and I know what is in my gut. And I do understand what my husband has gone through. I am not making excuses for him.

Hi Everyone,

I am new to this site. I am currently nine months pregnant and am due any day now. Since I became pregnant my sex life with my husband has diminished somewhat. He says that he is afraid to have sex with me now know if he will hurt the baby. While I has a low sex drive as it is, I've always been understanding to this. I suggested him to use the different methods that are available to him but he says he doesn't want to take any type of medication. Just recently I discovered that he is using viagra. He works very long hours, but when I call him at work he is at his company. During the w/e's he runs his errands but tends to return late. The only thing I can think of is that he is cheating or he looking at pornography. I'm not certain how to address the situation because I was snooping in his things. Right now I'm extremely angry. Pleae advise.

Question for all of my wise MB friends. I have pretty much gone through all of my H's stuff, and have thrown away ANYTHING that the OW gave my H that he still had( actually I made HIM throw them away). Somethings I was actually sad about, b/c they were things I would have enjoyed(books, music, Japanese writing stuff), even a book that he and I read together that she recommended and then wrote her name in(we actually burned this; it was very theraputic). She even gave him the DVD of the movie they saw together. Luckily, he had the brain to tell her that he could not accept it. She wouldn't take it back, though(probably threw a hissy fit), so he kept it in his desk, and he finally pitched it after he told me about it and I told him he had to throw it away!
But there is one thing I am having trouble with. She gave him photoshoppe program for the computer and he installed it on the computer. He loves taking pictures, and using this program. I told him that it had to go. The original disk that she gave him has been thrown away, but should I make him get rid of it on the computer? He said he would, but then said he would have to buy another copy. I said, no, he wasn't allowed to ever have it again! Now, I am wondering if I am just being mean. What do you think?

Edited: Oh, a big hi, to our new friends! I am sorry that ou have to join our club, but you are in a great place. I have found much support here, and look forward to talking to everyone everyday. I am sorry I haven't been posting as much, but hope that you have found some of the answers you were looking for. I do check in regularly, so please post again, and I wold be glad to talk! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

<small>[ February 24, 2005, 03:19 PM: Message edited by: truetoself ]</small>

Welcome to our new friends here at MB. Like True, I am sorry to have to meet you here and yes, this is the best place to come to during this sad time. I will have to read the newbies posts thoroughly before responding and before I do, would it be possible to have some history on you both?
True-Are you being mean? Well, no and yes. No, because all that the OW meant to him should be in the gargage can, yes because you are going to an extreme. I feel you are making this about "her" not you and your H. Don't give her power by making "her" things her's anymore...they are just things. Keep the photoshop program if you both like it and it will save you from spending additional $$, unless you have $$ to throw away. I don't think your H thinks of her each time he uses it either, if that concerns you. Breathe girlfriend, breathe. Try not to make this too hard on yourself. This is a dwelling issue, remember only a little bit each day then it's over until the next day.
Peace...

Hey Holiday,
Thanks for the advice. Sorry it has taken me so long to respond. Hope your Saturday(and everybody else's) is going well. Mine is pretty good except that I am sick. Oh well!
Let me know how things are going. 2, we haven't heard from you in awhile. Are things going well?
And Rocked, hope you are doing great!
Talk to you all later!
True

Hey Everyone,
Sorry for the lack of posts on my part. Been real busy lately. Have been thinking of all you though. Hope you are doing well. I've been a little un-motivated as of late. Anybody experiencing the same? How do you know when you cross the line from "a little unmotivated" to "depression"???

I'm expecting some good input from Dr. Holiday.

hey Rocked,
Sorry to hear of the "depression". I know the feeling. Did you start MC? I go Wed. for another session. I hope it helps with some of the problems I have been experiencing.
Yes, Holiday, please give us your words of wisdom. You always say something that cheers me up, and makes me smile. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />
I have missed everyone's input! I hope that means everybody is doing well and is not depressed like Rocked.
As for me, I just realized some more lies, and am very sad. I wish everyone would just tell the truth. It would make life so much easier! It's been a bad day! I even got stopped for speeding! I wasn't thinking, yet again! AAGGGHH! I found that I have stopped thinking since before Halloween, and just haven't gotten back to the smart woman I once was.
Anyway, I will not ramble on with my thoughts. Hope everyone IS well. I will check in again soon!

Hello you two...hmmm words of wisdom??? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> Sometimes I feel I only have words of an old woman,ha...

Depression, well Rocked...I think I battle with that on some level everyday too. I would say depression can come in any form. Not sleeping, sleeping too much, not eating, eating too much, crying, crying at the drop of a hat (well, not for you Rocked...maybe becoming easily aggitated/angry) could be signs of depression. It could be cause for concern if those emotions don't take a break at some point. Then you'll need to take your concerns to an MD.

Like True-It's when I think of all the lies, the lies are what get me down. I wonder if everything he's ever said to me was some sort of a story, so he could have "it all". Sometimes I wonder if our 26 years together was just some story...not real.

To this day my H will tell me he was never unhappy in our marriage (which confuses me even more). He told me that it was when things were going well between us is when he considered straying (wouldn't that just scare you????). He is still working very hard with his demons (he's not a reader by any means, but I gave him the book "The Point Man" by Steve Farrar and he is reading it daily). We discuss each chapter and he tells me things about himself like they are revelations to him, that he didn't understand them quite like this book is telling him about himself (Thank you God).

With that said, I keep pushing forward. Seems the simplest of things keep me positive. I pray that he will continue. So far my prayers are being answered.

I try to also continue to nurture myself, again to both of you STAY ACTIVE/excercise, walk, lift weights whatever you do, do it physically, even if it's just a walk around the block.

Okay now for the words of wisdom part...There's so much more to living then just right here in our little world of trials and tribulations. Be a part of nature. Feel it. Step outside, open your eyes and take a deep breath. Fill your lungs with the clean air. Spring is coming with new life all around us...a fresh start.

You remain in my prayers...peace.

Holiday,
See, I knew you would make me smile! You always bring me back to reality! Thank you for your words of wisdom.
Have a super night!!!
True

Ding. Ding. Ding. Holiday, as always you came thru w/some helpful stuff. I don't know if I am dealing with an official case of depression. I do know that I have been getting easily agitated at the smallest of things. And I kinda think that the deep down core reason is unresolved anger at what my W did. We haven't seen a MC yet. (Wanting to and still looking). I'm sure a good MC will help churn-up the surface of the ocean floor. Thanks for your input and prayers.

True, What do you mean about more lies being discovered?

Rocked...that's how I think I feel. Somedays are still just better than others. If I give myself too much time to sit and think...well, we all know what happens then.
I get a bit aggitated too. I try so hard not to, but then I get aggitated at trying so hard not to. You know what I mean.
And, yes True...what did you mean? There are, I'm sure, more that is out there for all of us.

Hey Everyone!

Just letting you know that I am alive and keeping my head above water. Good days and bad days still (actually they are usually weeks). My husband continues to be consistant and show his repentance. I continue to be consistant in my walk and my/our counseling.

I struggle with being depressed and recently have developed a stomach ache that has remained for the last 5 days. Flares up when I cry or become upset. A little worried that I may have developed an ulcer...though it wouldn't shock me.

MC continues to help me and has helped in reiterating that I have NO responsiblity in the A. So now I've begun to blame myself for picking him in the first place. It all boils down to the same thing, feeling responsible for something that we aren't responsible for. That is usually when I feel the most down. Perhaps Rocked, that is why you are depressed. I know you accept some responsibility, but based on what I know about your situation (and everyone else's) YOU ARE NOT RESPONSIBLE IN ANY WAY. My MC gave me a great analogy. Too long to go into here, but dead on right! TRUST ME!

Anyway, glad everyone is hanging in there. I will continue to check in.
2

2-Glad to see you are still hanging in there.
Has your MC told you that you are "perfect" in some way? I mean, yes, I too know I was not responsible in my H making his poor decisions. However, continually walking about feeling somewhat righteous within my family will never work for the good. We are humans being.

It still sounds like you will be holding your H's A over his head for the duration of your marriage and I feel this will be the end of your relationship. Or maybe it has already ended in your heart and you should be seeing a mediator instead of a MC. Why waste your H's time any further?

It feels good when someone tells us what we want to hear, that we are not responsible...takes us off the hook and perhaps again we may feel we don't need to work as hard on the marriage as the person who has faultered. Which may have been why we are at this point in time in our marriages.

Perhaps some may need to blame someone else for the assault on the marriage. We can't move forward in a positive way if we continually feel the need to find blame.

You are always in my prayers. Please read "Love and Respect"...

My husband (maybe not yours because I don't know if he is a Christian man or not) had an affair for 1 reason and 1 reason only. He took his eyes off God. If it was because he was unhappy, then anybody and everybody would be having an affair. My mother was miserable in her 32 years of marriage. She didn't have an A. She had her eyes where they belonged. My husband did not. I'm unhappy now. He created this environment, right?! That is what Dr. Willard says. We created the environment for our spouses to have A. Then we all should be in one right now! My H took his eyes off God. Because my eyes are on the Lord, I do not have an A. Like the MC said, my H behavior does not give me the right to do whatever I want now because I am still accountable to the Lord. The same is true for him. If I was the worst wife in the world (and I was far from that) he was still accountable to the Lord for his behavior. He took his eyes off God. Nothing to do with me.

I'm doing the best I can. Everyone wants to give my h credit for all he is doing to prove he has changed. I'm doing all I can do too. I'm in individual and marriage counseling, bible study, meeting with my mentor, praying. I'm doing all I can too to heal from this. I pray that I will, but only time will tell.

I will continue to seek the BIBLE for encouragement, comfort and support. Just finished Purpose Driven Life and am starting the Power of a Praying Wife soon. Not interested in any other type of books right now. The only book on relationships I want to read right now is the bible.

I appreciate your prayers and continue to pray for all of you too.
2

The book "Love and Respect" talks from the Bible. I will talk with you more later.

My H and I are both Christian.

I don't think affairs come from being unhappy and I don't think being unhappy will cause anyone to have an affair. I don't think affairs come from being happy and I don't think being happy will cause anyone to have an affair.

My H took his eyes off God. Because my eyes are on the Lord, I do not have an A. Like the MC said, my H behavior does not give me the right to do whatever I want now because I am still accountable to the Lord. The same is true for him. If I was the worst wife in the world (and I was far from that) he was still accountable to the Lord for his behavior. He took his eyes off God. Nothing to do with me.

Does your statement mean that your H is not accountable to you in anyway? Meaning, since this has "nothing to do with you"? Wouldn't that mean you should not hold judgment against him. That all his recovery should not concern you, it's just between him and God?

I do agree, affairs come from taking our eyes of of God...off of the Lord's plan for us in marriage. I feel I am stronger than my H in my Christian beliefs. He stumbles with it and I feel that is why he might fall prey to an A. We should never say never about ourselves. Hopefully you and I will continue keeping our eyes on God, but I believe, no one, Christian or otherwise, is safe. Do you understand why one may take their eyes off God? Satan has many forces he uses. He's all around us fighting against us in so many different forms, providing all types of temptations. The "family" is one of his persistent conquests! And I am sure he loves the fact that you still feel this way about your H. That perhaps you've "picked" the wrong person.

I think people "think" they can handle an attraction to the opposite sex, when they can not and especially not alone. They may be in fear of conflict in their marriage, to talk openly and honestly when and if these attractions occur. Meaning, making your home your H's safe haven to communicate with you. I don't feel he feels this way with you by the posts you have written. I feel he "fears" you. I know my H has felt like this many times in our marriage and I too with him. I always wanted everything to be peaceful, so of course he wouldn't want to tell me anything to disturb the peace and vice versa. But that is what we are working on. Handling conflict.

Perhaps your witness to your Mother's 32 years of misery is why you are reliving her life right now. Children who witness an unhappy marriage may not accquire the tools to make their marriages happy. I feel we replay our parents roles in life, trying to correct them over and over again. And what is so wrong in giving your H credit right now? Praise him! Praise you!! Praise your family for making it this far!

I hope you will wish to move forward with an open your heart. I feel you are so very angry and of course you have every right to be. But your anger is eating you up inside. Eating away your stomach lining as well. What do you really want your life to be? If you don't think all this work is going to get you to where you want, why, even with God's help, are you still in your marriage?

I hope you understand I am not trying to say any of this with a hurtful tongue. It's just that when I read your posts, I feel you are still writing in a "stinging" tone when it comes to your H and your marriage. I only hope my words will help you to see all sides of God's plan, not the only the one's we "think" are necessary for our "own" recovery.