Well here is my story. My wife 38 (common law) and I (37) have been living together for just over 5 years now. About 2 years in to our relationship I discovered by accident through cell phone bills that she maintains a lot of contact with men I don’t even know. When I confronted her on it she always gets defensive and maintains they were her friends before us and didn’t want to tell me because she thought I may suspect she is having an affair. She will openly admit that her conversations with these men are really none of my business so to speak. I could never understand why if these people were such good friends, why she would never introduce them to me??. Long and short I swallowed it thinking whatever the deception was it wasn’t an affair as we were doing well in most parts of our life including sex. As the last couple of years went by there were more and more signs of her lying to me about things that I felt were just as easy to tell me the truth on some issues ( not affair related ) , then some bombshells, after reviewing cell phone bills again I find that she had received over 300 text messages from ex husband. She broke down one morning and told me that he had been harassing her to get back together all throughout the summer of 04. She says they never once met in person, and she though she could handle stopping it. I went to his house early on Sunday morning and spoke to him ( without my wife’s knowledge ) , gave him a chance to mess up as they didn’t have a chance to get there stories together. In the end he admitted text messaging her when he was drinking but never met in person. I warned him (slightly threatening) I moved on with life.The calls stopped. Talked to my wife all seemed ok. Even though 9 times out of 10 to this day her cell phone is on with ringer off and locked, and in here purse.

Then there is D-DAY..................

On Saturday Dec 18th I was having a nap in the afternoon, my kids (from previous marriage were playing downstairs ( I’m an every second week end dad ) I wake up to find she is gone out ? I call her cell phone 10 times in a row no answer, the memories start flooding back where she is. I jump in my car and head for the local plaza hoping she is there no luck. boy does this gut feeling hurt I remember on time she had broken down in her car at a peculiar place “a local park”. When asked that time why she was there she stated she was mad at me and just was sitting there to think. I bought it (although this time I suspected drug use( whishing maybe ) and this was a meeting point to purchase) SOOO I drive like made to this park and low and behold she is there, getting back into her car. With a guy just pulling away, I chase him to the entrance of the park, but I can’t see him through the tinted glass and its getting dark, I turn around and scream back to my wife car (damn I didn’t get the license plate number!!) I pull the door open she looks, I don’t know how to describe it lets say untidy and in need of a make up fix up. We argue she knows I’ve seen them together (but not in the act) she admits his name is Jeff?? And they were just talking about the problems in our relationship (I’m not Mr. Perfect but not even a thought of cheating on her) What’s his last name she doesn’t know, where does he work she doesn’t know, how the heck can this be such a good friend you can discuss our personal life but not even know his last name.??? We go home and argue some more (not in front of my kids but I’m sure they herd all) We agree to work it out, but she still will not admit anything, I think she still thinks its ok to have these male friends. So we have one week of being nice to each other and then I cant take the feelings anymore and I quiz her again of the whys where when and how many etc etc etc, another week of silence no answers for me. We finally have a conversation this past Saturday and when I expect she is going to share the details of the PA or EA , she spends 6 hours admitting to me here traumatic childhood including sexual abuse from family members , her life as a teen with a mother who was an alcoholic beating her and many more traumatic experiences.

HELP what the heck do I do now??? Is she trying to admit all but the A? I know her stories to be somewhat true because her sister has told me horror stories of their youth. Am I cold hearted sob for still wanting her to admit her indiscretions at this point in time?
I am mentally exhausted over this Ive lost 20 pounds in the last 2 weeks and haven’t slept for more then a hour at a time. I need her to admit this so we can move on. I love her and I believe she truly loves me.

Someone please give me some baby steps to help me through this, ask me for more info if ive left it out. Because my mind is mush I’m really devastated by this, and the not telling me what the heck happened is just added to it. By the way she is a heavy drinker as well, (oddly enough she just drinks at home but way too much she’s an admitted alcoholic) but this has been since ive known her.

To any who answer thank you in advance thank you thank you

EDIT does anyone see this whole situation clearer then me , do you all think she has been having affairs all along ???

ARP IN TORONTO

Dear arptoronto:

I'm glad you've found us here but not for these sad reasons. There are many here who can help you with this better than I. You've come to the right place. I'm sorry so sorry for the situation you find yourself in. Please hang in there with us.

Are you a canuck like me? Your name sounds like where I'm from too.

Hello,

I am sorry but these are classic signs of an
affair. She has hidden conversations with lots of male friends, tells you its none of your business,
refuses to introduce them to them, you catch her with another guy and she is messed up etc.
I would suggest counseling, check for std's and decide whether or not she is a person that can and is willing to be faithful to you. Having all of these unknown male friends and communicating with them behind your back is a sign that you may be with a serial cheater. You cannot be in a healthy relationship if she is allowed to continue this disrespecting and hurtful behavior to you and your family. I wish you luck.

I totally support BryanP in this.

Please read all the stuf in this site to help you survive this. I also sugest the book "Thorn asunder", and the book "Love must be though". I don't remeber the names of the authors, but you can find them by internet search. Here at this site you can order "How to survive an Affair" by W. Harley. These three books are a good start to understand what can not be understood.

If you are a believer then pray!
I have no time now. I will post more tomorrow if there is time. Wish you well!

I don't usually agree with Bryanp on these posts, but this sounds like someone who is a serial cheater....yes having affairs through her M and into your relationship with her....maybe more than one at the same time.

I think you need to prepare yourself for more than one guy, it really sucks.

STD's is a big issue - go get tested and no SF until she is cleared or use protecton.... but I wouldn't.

Now you need to confront calmly...yelling at her even if she yells at you will not get her to ans with the truth.
Lay it on the line...saw her coming out with Jeff guy obviously after sex, mussed up etc etc...you dont need to be a genius do you you to work that out...tell her so...CALMLY ok.

List the other issues..... men she will not introduce you too, etc etc....
Just a thought do you KNOW why her H dv her???? not what she has told you but independant from her, other family members etc etc??? the cheating may have been the reason.

Serial cheaters are a whole other bag and I think even Harley is doubtful of recovery in many cases,,,,,,,,some relationships cannot be saved nor should be, tough as that is for you to hear right now.
BUT not impossible, it comes down to what you are prepared to accept and for how long.......eg treatment, relapse etc etc...mighty big mess.

And what is the long term outcome for you two...did you just drift together ??? after your Dv's... a lot to consider but first you need the TRUTH...if you dont get it perhaps you should consider bailing out asap.

But read away here and see what is possible, ask more questions, especially if you can get more from her.

Thanks to all who replied <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> We have since talked some, but she is still very evasive about this last event she keeps saying there was no P contact although she admitted when asked why? she addmitted that maybe it was to get attention and feel wanted ( i do know that I lacked giving this to her over the last couple of years ) She wants me to forget the issue , without me really understanding it? she feels any mention of it , is throwing in her face and she says she realises that it was wrong. The scariest thing is that she doesnt consider sneaking out to meet someone on the sly that sat afternoon to be an affair. even if it was just an emotional one. wrong yes an affair no. ??? damn im confused.. She always says that i would tell you if i had an sexual affair, plus my morals woundnt allow me to do it to you. This issue aside she really is a great person and a good caretaker in our relationship ?

hmm now if I just had thousands of dollars worth of that spy gear <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> ( feble attempt to make a joke )

Thanks again please keep it comming.

"She does not consider seaking out to meet another man behind my back to be considered an affair." You have got to be kidding me. She does not sound very remorseful. She sounds like Clinton. She claims not to technically to have had a sexual affair. What is her definition. Her morals would not allow her to have a sexual affair. Apparently her morals do allow her to sneak around with other men behind your back to be with them and to hide various other male friendships from you.
This is so typical. Her words do not match her actions. Honestly, if the roles were reversed, do you honestly think she would accept such verbal garbage from you? If you buy into her concepts that it is all right to meet up with with men behind your back and maintain secret relationships with men behind your back then you are in very serious denial.
You both need emergency marriage counseling. If you allow all of this type of behavior to continue it surely will eventually lead to the demise of your marriage. Your wife is a cake eater who enjoys having secret meetings and relationships with other men behind your back.
I hate to break this to you but it seems doubtful that there has not been physical contact. It is amazing to me that you believe your wife when she says she is not having a sexual affair because of her morals while at the same time she sneaks out and meets men behind your back and continues secret relationships with other men at the same time. What is wrong with this picture? Judge a person by their actions and not by their words and her actions speak volumes. What you have written makes me think of that old saying: There is nobody as blind as a person who refuses to see.
Am I wrong?

Thanks Byanp NO No No I dont buy it, sorry if I it sounded as i did, I was just relaying what transposed since my original post yesterday, hmm maybe I should just let her read this thread , what can it hurt ???

arp

I have so much to say- with little time to say it- so I will get to the point... first and most importantly- do NOT kid yourself that if you increased the attention you gave her that this would not have happened!!!!!! This is ALL her doing!!! Second, if she will not admit to it- that is the 1st serious sign. You cannot heal without admitting there is a problem. ANd if she has abuse in her past and she has an addictive behavior- she needs INTENSE SERIOUS individual therapy. She needs to get to the bottom of her MANY MANY issues. And she has SO much to work on. I know this 1st hand- I have been in therapy for myself for over 10 years... and my childhood was pretty good.... and hers sounds terrible. Everything she does now is because of her past/ childhood!!! I think these are deep deep deep issues. Be her support- but don't be stupid. Make ground rule #1- she MUST enroll in therapy for herself within the next 10-14 days or you must leave. Period. ANd then you have to have tough love and stand by your word. It worked for me and now my husband looks forward to the therapy appointments!!! But it took 2 affairs for me to get here... for him to get here.... and his issues are from his childhood. Therapy is a DIFFICULT thing... if she agrees and starts going- be her ROCK. Be her soft place to fall... she will need your support. So... I think that is step #1. Does that help AT ALL????? I'm sorry if not... let me know if you need anything else. I'm a woman so I have a little different view on things! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" /> Sometimes having a woman's advise on a woman is better! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

BEST of luck... and let me know if you need anything- or you need to vent. That is what we are here for. And FYI- her statement about the whole morality issue.... empty words.

Thanks Dogmon ( 2 golden retrv'ers myself ) I have read your reply and agree with you 110 percent, damn i wish i was a taker and not a giver sometimes. She knows I Love her enough to see this through, although its tough love for a while for sure, i will report back tomorrow on some more results if any.....thank you for your words of encouragement......arp

Hey arp! If I helped at all I am So happy... if ANY of my troubles in the past can help anyone- then it was all worth it!! And do I need to lecture you about the whole giver/taker thing? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Razz]" src="images/icons/tongue.gif" /> So much better to be a giver than EVER be a taker. And honestly- I don't know if it would even help being a taker in this situation... SOOOOOOO... let's deal with what we have here... and it's fixable-- or that is always my motto- any situation is fixable. It may be that the marriage is fixed OR you be fixed- either way- I'll help you get through this.

I actaully had my weekly therapist appointment this afternoon... so that is why I was off for a while... and I thought about your situation on my drive. And I am curious.... I have to be nosey and you do not have to answer this but- why have you two not made your marriage official? That intriges me.

Anyhow... I'll be here all day tomorrow. Let me know how you are doing!!!

~dogmom

OH!!! And arp... my dday was Dec. 18th also.... kind of a weird coincidence!!! Worst day ever!!!