Hi everyone, to make a long story short. I just found out my husband of 11 years has had two affairs. The first one was after the lost of our unborn bady. And he just ended his current affair about three weeks ago. I had him leave the house for a couple of days. The hardest thing for my is I have loved this man with my whole heart, but when I look into his eyes all I see is lies. I have become a mean and bitter person with him. But all he can say is how much he loves me. I'm hurt and don't know what to do. I love him and I hate him at the same time. Let me give you a little background on us. I have a bad heart and was put on medine that made me not want to have sex. So my husband felt I was having a affair. When I thought I was going lose my husband I stop taking the medcine. After my fourth child I started going to the gym to get back in shape so he could love me again. His then said I was to buff and didn't like all the muscle. I try to dress more sexy. But he still didn't care. I work sometimes six days a week and come home to cook and clean and take care of the smaller children. I feel because his has no place to go and his is on worker comp. His says he loves me bacause is has no where to go.

Welcome to MB!

Your M (marriage) isobviously not in a good place.

Plan A is an action plan for initial repair of a M (marriage) after an A (affair).In this plan the faithful spouse does his/her best to fulfil the emotional needs of the WS (wayward spouse), and also does his/her best to avoid LBs (love busters = angry and disrespectful statements) and DJs (disrespectful judgements= assumptions as to the motives, intentions and feelings of the other).

It seems unfair that the faithful spouse should do all the work. The theory is that the A resulted in a hormone mix in the brain of the WS to produce "fog" from witch the WS observes the world, their family and their S (spouse) in a rather weird way. And therefore it is entirely unrealistic to expect a dedicated effort from the WS.
The A is considered an addiction, and must be treated like that.

The other central element in saving the M (Marriage) is NC (No contact) between the WS and the OP (other person). This is quite essential to recover the M after an A.

I think you should read all you can on this site. Apart from these forums, there is much stuff that you should read. Go to the top of the page and push the "home" button and see what you can find. In particular, read about the emotional needs and about surviving an affair. Also read about radical honesty and the other "vitamins" to a healthy M.

I will also recommend the books: Surviving an affair" by W. Harley. (Referred to as SAA in these forums). "Thorn asunder” and "Love must be though". I don't remember the authors. But you can find them by internet search. These three books are complementary. The strength of SAA is the tools and planed approach it offers to restore the M. Thorn asunder is better at addressing the "message" of the A, and it will also better show the WS what they really have done.

As I write this I remember the book "Not just friends" by S. Glass (?). Perhaps that would be the book for your husband to read. Could you read it together and discuss each chapter as you read?

Where I think this site has a weakness is in the lack of focus on personal boundaries and dedication as a means to safeguard the M. I think "Love must be though" would be good reading for you to reinforce your boundaries and to strengthen your self respect.

A last topic to concider: For the avarage male WS the A is not a replacement-A but an add-on A. For female WS's the message is often more complicated. You may be fortunate to find there was no emotional attachment.

God bless you and heal your pain!

WOW! You went off your heart medicine for him? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" />

I hope you are back on it?

Ali~

Eyepac
first of all you need to look after your health, it will do no good for you children to be without you or for you to be in hospital.
Do that first

Now to help you understand what all these plans are here is a very good link that explains so much..with some links there to take you to further info to help you.

The Path to Recovery: Johnh39's complement to WAT's quick-start guidelines

Right now read all you can and understand your husbands criticism's are probably the result of what is called fog talk....the cheating spouse wants to make you out the 'bad' person so they can blame their cheating on everyone but themselves. e.g his buff comment & muscles.... look you could be the top world model and he would still say something like this. IGNORE it and continue with your gym work if it is good for your heart ok??

FOG talk is rubbish and you need to understand not to accept it. You see I did it to my husband and can't believe what I said to him..very embarrassed still about it.

Pls read the posts on the link and then come back and ask questions, vent, or just let us know how you are going ..ok??

<small>[ January 04, 2005, 09:35 AM: Message edited by: aussieswife ]</small>

I have read what you'll suggested. I feel a little better. I'm back on my meds. I'm going back to the gym today. My faith is strong and I want to work things out. I know I will need a strong support group to get me though this. Thanks <img border="0" title="" alt="[Confused]" src="images/icons/confused.gif" />

My husband and I had our first meeting with a MC. I found it difficult to look at him. We had to make a lists of things that bother us. Recently my H received a large sum of money. He opened a bank account in only his name so I couldn't get any money. He blew 20 large in less than a month. He didn't catch up on the bills. He even gave is mom a down on a car. While my car was falling apart. He has a problem with porno. So when I let him move back in he had to get read of it. But he won't say what he did with it. I told him that I have his OW address and phone number and wanted to talk to her to make sure things where over. He did won't me to contact her because she's married. I feel her spouse should know to truth. Also I need him to stop running to his mother for everything. She is always saying she sick and needs him. She has her own husband and I need her son to be a husband to me. But he doesn't want to give up his mom. I have more to tell but I can only do this a little at a time. Sorry. <img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" />

Tough situation.

The Mama's Boy Syndrome! My mil was like that too! fortunately she got remarried and her and my h. rarely speak to each other.

OW husband needs to know! Sorry. Some may disagree with me. Did you say it was over between them?

You need IC for yourself. It seems like you have your hands full and this just added more of a pile that you cannot handel.

I am glad you are back on your meds. Your life is more important. Talk to your doc about your sex needs on how your meds are effecting your M. There are also sex therapist too that might help your husband. From what I understand they also deal with addictions too.

Ali~

<small>[ January 04, 2005, 05:05 PM: Message edited by: Ali88 ]</small>

<img border="0" title="" alt="[Embarrassed]" src="images/icons/blush.gif" /> Today has been hard. I spoke to my friends I use to work with. I told them what was going on in my life. They gave my a hug and was glad I findly open my eyes. One on the guys told me he new my husband was having an A but didn't tell me. Because he knew how much I loved my H. I feel like a fool. I guess I was walking in my own fog.When they say love is blind its the truth. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" />