Dear Dr. Harley:
My husband and I were high school sweethearts. We married right after graduation, and had our first daughter almost immediately. When our daughter was two years old, and I was 20 years old, I had sex with another man, just once, after which I felt terrible. My husband was very hurt, but we reunited and stayed together. Then, we had two more children.
After much contemplation, I feel that the reason I had sex with the other man (who I have not seen again since), was that I felt neglected and unattractive. The largest mistake I made back then, I feel, was not communicating those feelings to my husband, before I took it upon myself to be with another man to make me feel admired and attractive.
Over 10 years has passed. However, through the years, my husband has never forgotten about this. It is as fresh in his mind today as if it just happened. I feel in my heart that I have truly learned from that past experience. I was young, foolish and immature. But whenever we have a disagreement, particularly when I don't feel like having sex with him, he brings it back up. I have had to live with the reminder of my mistake, many, many times in the past 10 years.
We have had many loving, close moments since then. Along, with many arguments, always leading to my past infidelity, and the fact that I can never be trusted again. But have never separated, and have always been strong, loving parents to our children.
Please lend advice if you can. My husband is my best friend, and I know that our love runs deep for each other, as well as for our family. What can I do to help him and us get over my mistake.
S.R.
Using resentment as a way to control and punish a spouse
I'm convinced that what's kept the resentment of S.R.'s husband alive for so many years is that he has found it to be an effective way to control and punish her whenever she doesn't do what he wants. Whenever they have a fight, he brings it up, and it causes her such guilt that it gives him a decided advantage in winning the argument.
By this time, I don't believe that her affair is the problem that she thinks it is. Instead, it is an issue that her husband is using to get the upper hand in his relationship with her. It probably shows up the most whenever she has been reluctant to have sex with him. It throws her off balance whenever he mentions it, and makes her feel guilty, wanting to make it up to him somehow. He may also bring it up whenever she is winning in a power struggle he is having with her.
What she describes to me in her letter is abuse, pure and simple. There is no excuse for the way her husband keeps bringing up her moment of weakness she experienced years ago. He is disrespectful and abusive.
I suggest that she look him right in the eye and say to him, "Listen Buster, do you love me? Do you want me to love you? Do you want to spend the rest of your life with me? If the answers to any of those questions is 'yes' you sure are going about it the wrong way. You are not doing things that I admire, you're doing things that I find disgusting!"
What if he says, "Fine, then lets just get a divorce and end it all."
To that I would say, "It's up to you. I married you for life, but if you want a divorce, it's your call. If you want to be in a love relationship with me, however, you're going to have to treat me much better than you have been treating me. You must never again bring up my affair, and if you are upset with me, you will have to treat me with respect until we can solve the problem. If you are upset with our sexual relationship, I want us to discuss it as adults and solve it with mutual respect. I refuse to be treated like this, especially by the man I love."
My advice to her husband is to never mention her affair again. It's a good example of one of the enemies of good conversation, dwelling on past mistakes. Whenever you keep bringing up your spouses past mistakes, you not only make your conversations incredibly unpleasant, but it cannot possibly lead to a resolution of a conflict you may be discussing. And as soon as his resentment doesn't pay him any dividends -- no longer helps him get his way -- he will find that it hardly ever occurs to him.
Hanging on to an unpleasant thought because it helps us somehow is what psychologists call "secondary gain." It means that even though the thought is unpleasant, it gets you something you need, so your mind keeps it around for its usefulness. There are many unpleasant thoughts that have this characteristic, and I have helped many people let them go by helping them destroy the usefulness of the thought. Making sure that S.K.'s husband never gets what he wants by bringing up her affair will help him overcome his resentment.
You can find this and other articles at
http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi5062_qa.html I thought of this one when I read your post.
