Hello all.

I've been having a rough three weeks and I need a few unbiased sources to speak with and offer advice.

I've lurked here for a few weeks and have seen the level of thoughtful response, so now I feel comfortable to speak my story.

A little back ground on us. This will be relatively long. I feel that a more complete understanding of a person's history will foster better advice when the time comes.

My wife and I met in Hawaii while both of us were in the navy. It was a magical 2 weeks and I felt I had meet a person I truly connected with.

At this time my wife was being kicked out of the military for drug use. She comes from a broken home, a mother on drugs and off again, who let strange people into the house with her young daughter. Subsequently, she was raped at a young age and her mother dismissed it, in a selfish bid to continue her lifestyle.

The mother has been with 3 different husbands at this date, all who left her or she them. The 1 husband, my wife's father, is a work driven, materialistic person. He took custody of my wife when she was 15 only to gain tax relief. His wife did not like my wife and it showed through prefferential treatment of the new wifes own daughter. The father makes a 6 figure salery owning his own business, but partied away his money on alchohol and perscription drugs ( pill popper).

My wife had to raise her two brother and sister while the father had his new life and the mother partied away.

I have meet her family and I believe 100% that this is true. There is more to her history, but i wont go into it now, This would be a book. SUffice to say that as of one month ago the satae of her family is this.

Father is in jail on his 4th DUI charge and wants us to take out a loan to bail him out. This is 6 month after her bragged to use of pulling in 2500 a week and didn't seen a gift to his daughter on her birthday. Her request? 200 dollars to pay for text books..she was just accepted to college.

He calls about 20 time a day with some weird tale and she has pretty much block him and cut him out of her life.

We haven't been able to contact the mother or the new boyfriend. They are both using oxycodin. A 10 year old daughter and a 17 year old brother still live in the house. The only person who answers the phone is a "friend of the family" who I don't recognise.

A little over one month ago, my wife said she was cutting them out of her life.

My background is just as pained but not so tragic.

I was born in the deep south. My parents are interracial. Father is estrange from mother. I was raise in a ghetto and told i was black ( mother is very afrocentric at the time) but I have features that make people think I am white 100% of the time. In other words, I dont look black at all.

Father left before I was born, Mother moved us all around, as she climbed out of the ghetto to better things, still in the south.

I never really fit in or was accepted by the people I met. I became reclusive and bookish. Lucky for me Im relatively intelligent ( except fot my spelling, which is atrocious.)

As a single mother who is a very strong willed person, mom is a smothering , controling person. At 18 I joined the navy for two reasons; GI Bill and to get away on my own.

Fast forward till 4 years ago. Having problem in the navy. Did not fit in, was not part of the crowd. The atmosphere is similar to that of the south. I was liberal and very outspoken about my ideals ( don't worry i've learned not to be so liberal or outspoken since). With few friends and waning prospects of military fufillment, I turned to drugs for the void in my life.

Drugs offered everything i was missing. My circle of friend grew enormously and life was good. It was through this circle of friends that I met my future wife.

Now starts the story of our courtship. After we left hawaii, I was distraught. I literally was crying. Why you ask? The girl I feel in love with in hawaii and who seem to return my love was spending time with a friend of mine. Dang this is going to be long. Ill give you the abriged version of our life.

*spent time in hawaii
*she was engage to a marine who was in the brig at the time (drugs)
*in retrospect she was messing around with a lot of guys
*i feel in love
*she was kicked out of the navy for drugs
*she begain to crash on the shared couch in my living room with our circle of friends( roommates were all drug friends, yes it was a party/crack house pretty much)
*eventually she moved in my room as we dated but had sex with other guy while i was out. We were dating so i couldn't get to mad, but i specifficaly asked her not to take people in my room an she did anyway THIS IS IMPORTANT LATER IN THE STORY
* over a few months she became my girlfriend and was with me i was truly happy.
* I left for seattle for 1 month. Before i left i proposed marrige to her and she accepted. We were heavily into drugs at this time, it was what we did together almost every night.

*While out at sea I got a premonition. I was suddenly hit with the feeling that things were not right, and i didn't love fiance anymore. Panic, wrote her telling her my sudden omnious feeling. It was a long 2 weeks home. We wrote each other for hours, using email as instant messaging. Let me tell you, not very instant.

*When i arrive home was warned by others that she had had sex with a married man...in my bed. I question her about this and she said no, never happened. I know she was parting with him the whole time I was out and he was a dog.

* i would ask her every few days to tell me the truth. I actually loved her and felt i need the truth. After two month of lies, she finally admited she had slept with him. It was the day i wrote her and told her i didn't love her anymore. She said it happened before i wrote her.

* a lot of people would cut their losses here, but to be blunt, I felt it could still work. She was apologetic and contrite, and I felt the bond that had warned me of this out to sea, thousands of mile away...was, frankly, an omen. A sign of good things between us, if you will. So i decide to give her a second chance. I was hurt though, for a long time and it was hard to trust her.

* about this time i came under investigation for drug use. To shorten this, my wife and i were now living in the same room. She had nothing, and a nowwhere job and wanted to go to school to be a estitician( a skin care worker)

*i was interriogated and arrested, but let go pending trial. During this time i asked my wife to marry me and she said yes. We were married in a courthouse very soon.

now keep in mind, this story is very shortened and even though in retrospec this was a rushed and stupid decision, at the time it felt like a natural progression of the relationship.

*I knew my trial would happen out to sea, so i left my new wife the keys to my car and my bank card. Instructions? Becareful with then money, we only have 1600 and i dont know what will happen at trial. Spend only what you need for food and rent and please dont smoke in my car( she's a smoker, im not)

* at trial i was looking at 15 year and got 2 months. This was about 2 months after sept 11 2001. Due to the number of AWOL's in the jail, my sentince was further reduced to 5 days cleaning in my own bearthing.

I got on my knees that day. Thanked God. The time leading up to trial from teh day i was interriogated, was a time of intense personal reflection. I looked at the decisions I had made up until this point, and found myself wanting.

Here I was now, no GI Bill, no college to look forward to, couldn't use my navy experience, a drug conviction, and a new wife to take care of.

I swore off the lifestyle I had been living, and changed myself. This was very simple for me, my priorities had changed. No longer was I living for myself, I now had another person, a living being who I loved deeply, who suffered the consequences of my actions, and now I was homeless and jobless in post 9/11 job environment.

Wow. Eye Opener.

Went i returned from the ship, thats when the fighting started.

She had smoked in my car. She had spend $250 to get her hair done and $500 on new clothes for her school.

We fought about finaces. We fought about me gaining 20 pounds in 1 month. We fought about me not finding a job in Southern california. I argued i shouldn't waste me time looking for minimum wage jobs and she argued she shouldn't have to drop out of a school she started 1 month prior.

Mostly we argued about respect and responsibility.

I know now that she didn't respect me at all. It's true, she was using me. It obvious from the way she treated me, i was expendable in her quest to get what she wanted. The money and resources I freely shared she use for selfish gains. When we first met she use sarcasm and belittleing words with me. I got that to change. This is important later on.

Ok lets fast forward this again.

*received a job offer in december in georgia
*my mom lives close in georgia so she loaned us money to mover our belongings and my car, which was running poorly at the time
*had taken out various loans before i left the navy which were all past due
*weird thing, i received a 2600 payment from the navy, hey out of work, beggars cant be choosers
*in january i was still dangleing for the job, so i took full time work at a package store and search the job market. this was duable because we were living with my mother at the time so no rent was due.
*fighting and respect issues
*march 2002 i interviewed and received a great job, working for the power industry,


SUPER FAST FORWARD
work 12 hour days 50 mile away form home, i live in the area so wife can go to school/ work new job and be around club culture and friends.

I slowly get back into party lifestlye at urging of wife( she says we dont do thing anymore together)

second major wake-up call from God, 2 hours late for work, almost fired, was laided out on the floor with wife messed up.

This is where I reconfirmend totally getting out of the party lifestyle.

Money problems with past due loans, and buying new home furnishings. I had no Idea life was so expensive.

Problems with an influential individual at work. I was still to outspoken and liberal for this good old boy.

Finally after 2 years we were in agood place. Here job was 5 min away and she pulled in 1600 a month and i pull in a good amount.

PROBLEM: she spends all of her money on herself. She is not a homemaker, but a career woman, but then she pays ZERO BILLS. We fight about this CONSTANTLY. Now i know that one of the male needs is domentic support, at this time it was lacking totally. SHe launders her own cloths and i mine, and she rarly cooks, only when i refuse to take us out. Food bills run in the 400-600 a month. Shes a vegitarian and doesnt eat fast food.

I know this is sounding one sided, but i will get to my faults, but all of this is true.

problem at work, one person is getting laid off, but has the option to transfer to another site.
After much discussion and fighting I decide to take the transfer( reason, problems with the aforementioned guy, and i was the low man on the totem pole so to speak, so i had the feeling i would be laid off anyway. The fight? wife was comfortable with her job and new friends and didn't want to move. Her solution, I give up my 401 and vesting, find a job so we didnt have to move. Her job pulles in 50% mine did and she wanted me to quit)

*conviced her to move to new city for transfer. Its a smaller military town and drinking is the nightlife here.( note wife has an adictive personally and low alcohol tolerance) military culture is also one of infidelity while spouse is away. After 5 years in the navy you get to know this.

*New job is great, the average age here is 33 instead of 48, hence i get along a lot better, great move.

*wife gets job in skin care, soon quites and by my prodding and her was she enrolls in college for interior design( she changed from fashion design, photography, english major to interior design) i totally supported this.

*i had gained another 20 pounds by this time( all that eating out) and was starting to feel depressed. Im not a outgoing active guy( from childhood) and the weight was hard to deal with.It was to the point that I was discuraged to work out at all, the weight was just so much.

Now the entire time i notice my wife never wore here engagement ring, just her wedding band. After my weight gain i had to remove my band but i wore it now and again, it was tight though. When asked why she never wore the Ering, she responded she didn't want people to see it( due to the fact it had a cubic zircon in it, remember no money militry quick wedding). I was livid. I wanted to know why that was important. She gave me a story that i make so much, but didn't give her a diamond now. SO like a sucker, instead of question the absurd logic, i bought her a diamond for christmas. She wore the ring every day since then.

While in the new city an alarming trend begain to take place. She mad friend with a lot of guys.

TO spare the details, i was with her but a few time she wanted to stay at a party where mutal friend where, and i had to go home to sleep. I trusted the mutual frienbd to look after her.

The first time this happened, she call me at work alter that day and told me the host of a party tried to kiss her in the woods around his house.

I was livid. Why didn't you call me so i could come get you right away. Why did you wait to ride with the friend and call me at work.

Her response...i was afriad you would get angry.

I was angry. But not because of that, but because she hid it from me. I told her so, i just want trust and honesty. Please in the future dont hide things like this from me.( dont't hide it because you've cheat before)

at clubs when she drank she would go up to random guys and rub on there chest, she claimed no memory and she was blacked out ( she truly believes this excuses anything).

My response to this. I'm not going to run across the rome and pull you of some guy, that's not my job. I'm your husband, not your boyfriend. I'm not some guy your dating and when you want you try to make me jealous. I'm your husband, and i love you. Have some respect for me and fore yourself.

I'll skip another incident and get to the worst part.

I have been suffering from depression for the last 6 months. I gain so much weight, i dont see my self advancing and getting to school, my wife i felt was using me for her own gains, and another layoff came and went which i avoided, but the stress was of no help.


I lashed out at my wife because of a few reasons

First in my mind, she not a giver, shes a taker.

its all she knows. Its how she was raised and how she identifies love. If the person isn't totally inbto her and buying her things with zero outside intrest, she feels the relationship is not working.

At this time i was lashing out because i wanted to pursue my own dreams, not just be the parent to provide for her life. I protected her, did everything for her and i hated her for it.

And she hated me for trying to change her.

But this was not the toxic love change. I tried to keep her off drugs, get her of drinks till blackout, stop smoking( she wanted to stop) and to get her into college so that she could work on her future, to become more independant. I tried to teach her self respect and responsibility.

No not toxic change. This was wanting the best for someone. I cant sit by and watch the woman I love succumb to additictions. I can't sit by and be happy with the lack of respect shown to me. This lack stems from her lack of self respect. She said she doest the thing she does to get away from reality.

But she doesn't want to change i guess.

I was going out of town for two weeks starting the first of dec 2004. We had normal relations and all seemed fine.

The first weekend i was back, she wanted me to go out to two clubs with a group of mutal friends. these guys i had met once or twice and seem pretty cool.

Went clubing and i dance with her for the first time in a long time. Had a few drinks i bought her two, little did i know a mutal friend had bough her 2 as well.

At the second club she talkignt o mutal friend and i notice the glassy eyed look of drunk wife. Side note, when she gets drunk the sarcastic, mean woman i know 3 years ago comes out, i hate when she drunk. she starts going around rubbing up on total strangers man and woman. I just look at her. she know i wont go yank on her are and stop her, but i think she wants me to, to show jealousy. Im talking to the guy who bout her drinks, the mutal friend about how we have problems and she drinks to mucha nd touches guy.

Well when we left the club she left my side to wasl arm in arm with two strangers. It was then that i ran after her and so did the other guy both of us screaming "wife name" she fought coming back with us to the car and nearly got arrested for public drunkness.

at home i sleep on the couch. This is the second time i haven't slept in bed in the last month. Eventually i hear her cry and i go into the room to rub her back for a bit, but im too angry and leave soon after.

The next morning she comes up to me and offer a back rub. I hesitated for a min, and i never turned down a back rub before.

I accept and her touch was driving me away. I tell her what happened last night and she did the typical her thing. I was drunk, i was blackout, i dont remember.

yeah....and you also offer backrub out of the blue...right( this was though not said)

what was said" i wish you would take responsibility for your actions and grow up"

I said" damn, if i could divorce you now i would, please stop touching me"

Angry and hurt as i was I still feel for my wife and divorce was not really on my mind. Oh well, there is aplan for all that occures.

Went out of town for my final week of work and stayed with my mon that weekend to spend some time with her.

I bought a book on dec 11 2004, rich dad, poor dad's cashflow quadrant. I literally could not put the book down. It is a very inspiring book about how only you have the power to make your dreams come true.

As i read the book late into the night and earily morning i begain to feel uneasy. My mind wandered and my thoughts went back to just over 3 years prior. To when i felt out of the blue that i didn't love my wife anymore.

The feeling was back.

I paced. I tossed in bed. I was up and down all night. My mother awoke and asked waht was wrong.

" I have to go home, somethings not right"

I quickly packed my bag and departed.

a 96 mile trip down the highway, it was now 6:15 in the morning 12 DEC 2004.

all the way i was thinking what do i feel this way, whats wrong with me.

Half way there a picture formed in my mind

"OM's at my house with my wife"

OM, the guy who had bought her two drinks last weekend. The one i spoke to, confided in with my problems. He was a listening friend, or so i believed. He was also the one that ran after my wife with me that night.

A calm fury settled. I know its an oxymoron, but it is the most apt term to use. Halfway home i glance at the speedometer..110mph. slow down ennui, slow down. Forced hands to release death grip on wheel and set cruise control to 80mph. A huge ticket but no jail time i hoped.

Grim determination set in that i would make it there.

At 7:37 i rolled up to my apt. A 2004 BMW 5series sat in fromt. OM's the only person in this town with that.

At 7:38 I opened the door VERY slowly. Christmas decoration had been hung in my absense, JOY and SANTA lin large metal stocking hangers on the kitchen counter. Jingle bells had been hung on the door, a warning of an intruder. Good thing i anticipated this seconds before opening the door.

I crept back to the master bed room and opened the door.

My heart dropped. There was a shape in my bed too large to be one person. I slowly backed out of the room and went to the butchers block to pull a knife. Then i stopped. A calm fury.

I entered the computer room and retrieved a new thing I bought 1 month prior, my first digital camera. We had spoken and lamented the lack of pictures in our life. A small praise for god excaped my lips.

I returned to the room and turned a bathroom light on. The camera was set.

WW eyes jerked open and say me snap the first picture, her next to him, in our bed, naked under the sheets. OM opened his eyes and just kind hid his face from the camera.

The first thing out of my mouth" great now i don't have to pay your cheating [censored] alimony"

did i feel this. Yes. I had been scared so long and now the proof was out there.

Did i want it really...no...I love my wife.

" you have 10 min to get your stuff and get out"
" i'll be out in 5" OM said.

WW said nothing just got up and got dressed...

I tried to talk to her, I said we need to talk this is serious.

She left with him.

I was devestated.

with out getting into she has be the typical WW

this is what she said.

*her and OG are perfect for each other
*they communicated totally*
*they have the EXACT same intrest
*she never loved me
*she tried to love me but couldn't
*i drove her away
*she doesnt remember anything good i have done for her
*me and her never communicated
*when i remind her of the good thing she Doent remember of has revisionist history

no i have edited a lot of our life out. Keepin mind that i do love my wife and tried to do everything she wanted and indulge her every whim...that was my downfall

Well i tried to talk to her, woo her again like in plan A, to sho her i am still the man she fell in love with. The other wife, sarcastic mean one is back, and she says this is her true personality that she suppressed. Its true that she was that way when we met, and i would get on her for being sarcastic with me.

She now claims this is her humor and i dont understand her. No this is her humor with people she doesnt like.

She has done the 2nd guessing flip flop behavior. One minute she actinbg contrite and giving me hope, the next, she's saying i dont want to give you hope.


I actually ran into the guy on the 23 of dec at the mall. It was packed and her just happend to wall right in from of me. I believe it was for a purpose. I put my hand on his shoulder and said hey i need to talk with you, let go a place a little quiter.

We stepped into the nightgown area of the dept store, very empty for christmas shopping. Thing go off to a rough start. he was hostile and saying do try to intimidate him, and i said that not my intent im not tryin to intimade you.

TO make a long story short i spoke to him with respect about how i love my wife and i hope he could see it in his heart not to be an enabler, to just step out of the picture and let us work out or problem, if she leaves she leaves if not then not.

This talk gave me insite to the OM and his fog. HE made excuses, he spoke of all the bad things she said of me and when i asked him if my demener proved or disproved these thing( namly my aggression and anger) he went silent. In the end he would not meet my eye but shook my hand and said how would advise my wife to return and work things out. I asked him not to return to my home, as it is, my home. He agreed

All this time i was spending most of my time at my moms house with family.

WW call and told me she was back home and spoke of all the money he was going to spend on her, i said i dont really care what he spends. I was happy she returned home. It was dec 24 and it was my understanding OM was visiting his family in another town on christmas.I asked her not to have him in our home again. I had not been back to the master bedroom since the 12th, it felt wrong.

Soon at 12am DEC 25 i made the drive back home.

He was in my home, with her. Not having sex just talking, so they say. She was drunk, at least the look was in her eyes, but i smelled no alcohol.
Evil spitefully hatred rained from her lips, accusing me of returning home to catch them together.

I calmly replied" no, I souldn't have caught you together because he should not have been in my home again, like you promised. and he promised"

I won't write what happened that night but i will post an email i sent to a frien that morning describing events.

EMAIL


Hey -----,

its christmas morning. Spoke with WW eariler and
decided to drive back at 1200 am to suprise her, i
thought she was going to be alone. Turns out OM from
the package store was here. I told him to leave and he
said he would. Me and WW decide to go eat to talk.

OM was waiting just outside the door...that ****
scared me...said he was going and was waiting there
the whole time.

I said " you're still here?"

He got violent and up in my face threating me. I said
" hell no, no one threaten me in my house"

I then went to the back got my key and stepped
outside.

This guy is acting like hers her boyfriend and im not
married to her and getting violent on me. he even
grabbed me and put his fist in my face.

All i did was smile and say I dont want any trouble,
just please leave.

I mean the guy was hanging around outside my door,
thats weird.

Its finally defuse, me and WW talked him and his
friend ----- left.

But now im at my house, OM'f FRIEND is my next door
neighbor and im feeling pretty threatened.

The guy is shorter than me but outweights me by 30
pounds and is pretty solid. That with his violent,
wont back down attitude, at my own home, unbelievable,
im not taking any chances. Im going to stay armed. Im
not going to call the cops this time especially since
he used my wifes invitation as an excuse to be there,
I dont know the law about that, but if something
happens and he touchs me again i will defend myself
with extreme force.

It 600 am now and WW doesnt want me in the house,
and im too tired to drive back to atlanta, but i drank
coffee...im in a zombie state

It weird but ive got to take a walk outside to clear
my head...those two guy left, over to gregs house i
think but if they return, i just want somone to know
what lead up to this.

The entire time i said i did want any trouble and he
keep coming.

oh yeah weird thing, remember WW called you and
keep asking what i said, well she asked me two day ago
pointedly and i said it was private, she got pissed. I
mean shes prying up in my conversations.

Tonight she commented, that she never should have
given me your number....I just need a friend to talk
to, whats all this stuff??!?!?

Its like she wants me to be isolated and alone..

and here and this guy are trying to make me into the
bad guy cause i didn't attack him when i caught
them..trying to make me feel like crap..flip the
script...man this is crap

Ill take a little walk and then go home, maybe the
walk will clear my head


END EMAIL

I ended up staying till 8 oclock. SHe was in a half sleep and i was next to her. My dream to spen a little time with my wife shattered here i was she snuggled up next to me but pushed me away when i responded. I continually woke her with the phrase"WW, do you want me to stay her or go" She was noncommital in her grunts and called me her "protector" and old term of enderment.

I left. i knew she was playing with me. She was pretending to be to sleepy to talk.

I called her on the road 30 mins later. She was awake and fully coherent. She said she work up after i left.

She said she still wanted to be friends. I had read that the only way to make a relationship work is with a firm commitment to rebuild the relationship. she said she didn't want a relationship with me.

I said, what the hell is going on in your mind to think that we can be friends after this?

You are continuing the affair and seeing him, said no words to me when i walked in and giving me the flip flop.

I was trying to us plan a, but it was not working.

I am quickly becoming fatalistic and saying if its ment to be, it will be. This seems the only defence for my mind. The pain is great. Her new personality is horrible. I am vilified in every action.

one thing i left out was at some point she joined me for dinner at a bar-b-que place. we had a great dinner but i drank more that two drinks.
An angry person came out. This was before christmas, because when we go home she was wrapping presents and i drank 4 tequila shots.

In my pain and anger i tried to turn the tables on her, her night of fun was ruined by an alcoholic *******, just as i feel.

This was wrong. Please everyone stay away from alcohol during this time. I thought some truly desperate thoughts when she left that night.

SO where are we now.

She is moving out on JAN 5. I am tring plan B. Its quick but i know her, she is a needy person and having both of us meet her needs and aswage her guilts is perfect for her. Im letting her move in with him and hopefully the romance cracks.

BUt to be honest, as of right now i don't want her back. She is a self centered, irresponsible, needy woman, with a lot of issues to fix first.

I have lost 20 pounds( not the good way unfortunatly) but it makes me feel better about myself. I have started to work out a little bit. But being here in a smaller town and not having friends is hard. I am forced to return to mom's house just to get away. Im in paranioa that everyone know and is laughing at me, and this TRULY IS NOT GOOD.

I am looking at relocating about 50 miles away and driving into work. The new area is nice and I think It would be better than here.

I keep having revenge fantasy's. I want to see the look on their face when the fairy tale crumbles. I know its not healthy for me be they exist.

But i truly know that i only wanted the best for my WW. I love her so much, and now i feel so alone inside. I feel a part of me has been ripped away.

This story is probably a little biased from my perspective.

There are a thousand more things I have not spoke about, things i have dont and her too. Im just too exhausted to write 3 years worth of pain.

A friend said somnething to me a few day ago that made me feel great and filled me with hope.

She said sometimes something has to die, before it can be reborn again.

That speaks to me on so may levels, but i know this; we did not have any kind of healthy relationship.

especially when we meet. and the fighting really was about me growing up and her wanting to stay the same. Her resistance to change in a changing relationship and world.

She even said to me its all about changing her and she can party like she use to and still be responsible.

All i can say is, look at the choices you've made now. To throw away a marrige and ahusband who love's you. To throw it away for a guy who tosses money around to increase his appeal.

WW look to yourself, because I don't think i'm the one making you unhappy in this relationship. My conscience is clear.

<small>[ January 11, 2005, 04:55 PM: Message edited by: ennui ]</small>

wow, that is quite a story. i feel your pain. I wish i could offer some sound advice, but my first instict would be to tell you to get the hell out of dodge. I can't say much, because I am staying with my H, but he wants to reconcile. I am so sorry that you got hurt. Stay strong. It seems like the other board "general questions" is where all the seasoned people hang out. I would post there if you want good advice!
Take care.

ennui,

I am sorry but that story was WAY too long my friend.Try to keep it shorter next time to get more readers.Small doses,OK? I am not sure many people will read it but since I have,I want to ask you what exactly you want help with?

You pose no real question.You and your WW are enablers of the most extreme kind and it appears,based on what you mentioned here,that you could go on indefinitely as you are.

Neither of you have anywhere near a "healthy" relationship and I don't know what you expect from your WW who sounds majorly messed up in many areas.She would do good to go and seek some counseling but I am not convinced she even wants help.She seems determined to live her life in such a way.You can only change yourself,not her and it sounds to me that,even though God may have been knocking on your door,you've closed it again in favor of the party scene and very questionable behavior.

You did mention a few choices made that benefit you and that is a positive change.Losing weight(albeit not the best way),possible job relocation,Plan B for your WW to figure out what she wants to live as is and to her detriment.It's a start and I hope it lasts this time.But you obviously still have issues with alcohol,money,anger,drugs,etc.In my opinion,I would stay way clear of your WW for now.I know you love her but sometimes that is not enough.If you have been lurking here as you say,you know that many of us have had to let our loved ones go to stop being treated the way we are and not continue being married to adulterers who are not committed to our marriages.

I would keep the focus on YOU and clean up your own house first.Your WW sounds like she is on a downward spiral and I personally would not like to be along for the ride.As my sig line says,"Life isn't complicated,WE make it that way".I also believe the farther away from God you venture the more lost you become.

I think if you start making appropriate choices for yourself and find a way back toward God and the simple life,you will find your life changing for the better.Making the right choices isn't so difficult but if you don't,you can certainly find yourself in one big mess.I wish you luck.

O

Thank you i will post this story there. Other board? What is that exactly?

Thank you octobergirl

That was exactly what i needed to hear.

The question? just advice. Does the relationship sound worth it.

Your post is very helpful. The problem is that I've become mired in the day to day insanity that is our life that it's hard to step back and just have a good third person's view of the situation.

That is all i really want.

I apoligise for the length again, but if i had only spoke of the infidelity and her subsequent action, i feel people would have urge me to reconcilitation vice severance.

I believe all the facts should be known.

And your right, every time I allowed her to lure me back into the party lifestyle, a positive aspect of my life suffered.

Make no mistakes, she claims im a Stuffy old man, who has no life. I am not partying, far from it. And this is the root of the problem.

((( ennui )))

You need to visit a few AA meetings and also some Al-Anon meetings. Try going regularly for a month ... without your wife.

Alcohol abuse and MB techniques don't mix very well.

Pep

ennui,

There is nothing wrong with wanting to get all the facts out there but it could be overwhelming to many members and I would just want your story to get the attention it needs.Like I mentioned,small doses is best to draw people in and get aquainted with you. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" /> No harm done just a recommendation from here on out.

I see you have posted over on GQII.You will get more responses there I think now.Also,be aware that this is a Marriage Building site.As Pep eluded to,you have much more on your plate then we customarily deal with.Professional help is a suggestion.

O

Thank you pepperband.

You are correct, the MB techniques require a level head and will power to do effectivly.

Just to make sure I have not misrepresented myself I'll say here. I don't drink often, and when I do I never get violent. This was a odd situation and a rarity.

What I wanted to bring others attention to is that, even if you are normally levelheaded and responsible, alcohol during an emotional time may bring you to a place you dont want to be.

So people, use care and caution around alcohol.

Thank you octobergirl.

I have made plans to see a marriage councillor, perhaps ill ask them to point me into the right direction. This is a hugh load for me to unleash on strangers.

Thank you again.

<small>[ January 04, 2005, 03:29 PM: Message edited by: ennui ]</small>