Hi Ali,

There is no party planned yet, but I will let you know.

The OW knew me well and was always super nice. She was one of my favorite employees of my husband's. So whenever I was over there (even during the A) I would sit and talk with her. So I called her on D-day and we talked...just like we always used to do. Nothing angry, just talked. We wished each other luck and that was that.

I did leave her a message the following day that was angry and a bit harsh. But no name calling just wanted her to know that I knew EVERYTHING all the gorry details and to tell her how disgusted I was by the both of them.

We haven't seen or talked to each other since. I will let you know.

I don't think you should have her to your home either....An office party at a restaurant, club whatever is different...

This woman invaded your "space" once, I'd be darned if I'd open my front door for her....to want "my" life again...

I only suggested you make yourself visable - she could get vendictive if you push it too much..

You don't need her to turn psycho ....and you just never know...

Glad to hear there is hope out there...for all us BS's...

Today I want to kill her and him too. Just finding out more and the more I find out the more I want to send her hate mail and a letter bomb. But I can't. I wish there was a way I could let her know how disgusting I think she is while showing her grace too. I don't think that is possible...darn!

I don't know what we are going to do. I was all ready to meet my husband for lunch this week and finally face her face to face. But now I don't feel ready for it. Now I think I'd spit in her face. I'll keep you posted.

Please be careful GH2!

You are going to quickly with your motives. Meaning you might be expecting too much to fast. You will feel a lot of emotions in the next year or so. You have to be prepared on how to handle your feelings. That is why I suggested you get enough knowledge about Affairs as possible. I am still reading. I keep learing new things. The more I read, the more I learn about myself too. And that helps me negotiate my feelings to my husband.
What happened that you are so mad at your husband? And what did the little "missy" do? The more you talk in this case write, the better you will feel.

Hopefully no plans for the party yet?

Ali~

<small>[ January 10, 2005, 05:02 PM: Message edited by: Ali88 ]</small>

What did you find out that has you so angry?

Why dig for more dirt...it will only cause you more pain. Knowing there was an affair should be enough.

Not to discourage you - but my WH said it was over, never again, etc. that lasted all of 1 day..
All his tramps just didn't go away and he was/is too weak to fight the temptation.

Plan A...

I found out that my infant son was only days old when this all began. GROSS! What kind of a woman does that? Really? She knew me. She signed a card and helped pay for a gift that his staff sent. Isn't that gross?

I have since calmed down and I am having lunch with my husband next week. I will see her and I am prepared to be polite. Nothing more or less. I'm going to show her we are a united front, nothing more. This isn't my opportunity to show her forgiveness or hate. I am showing her a united front. Plain and simple. I'm not prepared emotionally for any more than that. But I do feel I need to see her and get it out of the way. There is a planned work event in Feb. where I KNOW I will see her. I don't want that evening ruined with me seeing her for the first time since this all happened. I need to see her before so I can move on.

I'm not really digging, although I do want to know everything. I had my timeline off due to some misunderstandings in previous conversations. So I just learned my son was less than a month old when they "planned" a trip to Vegas together. It started sexually after the baby was born...emotionally before that.

Anyway, I'll let you guys know when I see her.

Just wanted to let you know that tomorrow, I will see her. I am meeting my husband for lunch and I am going by her office (his staff) to say Hi and wish them all a happy new year and stuff. Unless she calls in sick or something I am pretty sure I will see her.

I am ready to face her and need to I think. They still work together and I will no doubt run into her next month at a large company event. Rather than being caught off guard by seeing her then in the bathroom let's say, I want to see her when I'm prepared and ready.

My plan is to greet her like everyone else and that is it. I have nothing to say to her and I doubt she has anything to say to me. I ask that you pray that there are no surprises and that if there are, I handle myself well.

I'll post after lunch and let you know what happened. If anyone has any last minute advice, please post today!

Thanks!

how did it go??

I wasn't sure if anyone cared after I didn't get any last minute advice yesterday. That is why I didn't post here. But here is what happened.

Barely ate at lunch and still feeling sick to my stomach. We went over there after lunch. She was on the phone with her back to me. Everyone came over to greet me and she must have heard my voice because she never turned around. I was next to her (talking with the rest of the staff) for about a good 10-15 minutes. She stayed on the phone the whole time.

When I got ready to leave I touched her arm lightly and said "HI Name". She turned, looked at me said "hey. What's up?" and went back to her phone conversation. That was it.

I felt fine while I was there and didn't want to not speak to her. I had got myself already for the encounter and I didn't want to not look her in the face or speak. So it went as I was expecting...non eventful.

I made it back to my car and had a breakdown. Still feeling sick to my stomach.

Several hours later, I just feel so bad about the whole thing. Clearly she was uncomfortable and unwilling to be remorseful. It made me sad because pre-affair, she would have been the first person to greet me and we would have probably chatted the longest. I always really liked her. It hurt so much to know that she didn't care enough about me to tell my husband he was being a gross pig and not carry on with him for a year. So sad.

I hope she'll leave soon. My husband said she is the same way with him...won't look at him or speak. So hopefully she is on her way out.

I would have rather never seen her again in life, but since I was sure I'd have to, I am glad I got it out of the way and did it under my terms.

That's that! Any thoughts?

Godhelpme2,

I had a similar situation. My husband moved up in the company and ended up having an affair with the boss' daughter. She really attached herself to him, and when he supposedly tried to end it, she threatened him and sexually harrassed him for almost two years. In the end, he had no contact with her for about six months (supposedly) and she found out we were purchasing a new home, and then decided to give me a call (nasty call, said terrible things). My husband did not have the nerve to tell me the truth; apparently she did. I demanded that he leave his job, even though he worked so hard to get where he was; however, that is the price he has to pay if he wants to make our marriage work again. We both played a role in the problems in our marriage, but he was the one he took it to another level. Ultimately, he went to the Pres. and resigned. They did not want him to either and offered other alternatives. Our marriage counselor said "Absolutely not!". This marriage cannot survive unless there is no contact. She was enraged that he went to the other head of the company (put her in place with the threats about taking him down because of who she was). She thought that he ended it with her (which happened over six months before I found out) because he was unable to leave me. So she thought that she would do it for him and he would come running to her again! Wrong!! She even tried to lie about him getting her pregnant. Not Likely! The man is unable to get anyone pregnant; little did she know. We went through years of fertility! While he was finishing up at that Co., I decided to send him a very large bouquet of flowers for his B-day; knowing it would go directly thru her office. I had the card read, "To the luv of my life; We will get thru! Love your Wife". I knew she would find a way to read the card as she would go through his voice mail. Sure enough, she did, and it sent her into a tizzy! ONE POINT TO ME! At that point, I was unsure whether I would stay with him (we have been together for fifteen years); but I wanted to let her know that I was not going to allow her to think that she had won in "Bringing his life down" as she put it. I know your husband worked hard to be where he is, but it is only a job, and your marriage is more important. We have sacrificed alot since he left his job, but it was worth it. It drove me crazy when he was still there knowing she was still there, and still trying to get his attention. Our marriage would not have survived even if he did try to ignore her. Just knowing they shared something and still saw each other would kill me. Good luck to you and I know what you are going through. Trust me!

Miranda

Thank you for your story Miranda. I struggled with having my husband leave the job. It was actually the MC that suggested he stay if we could work it out so that they didn't have to see each other. They did.

Anyway, I don't want him to quit. I feel I have hurt and suffered enough in all this. How will being broke and out of a job make our marriage better? She is leaving him alone and he her now. If that was different then I would deal with it all and make him leave. I'm glad it is over.

I am actually expecting her to leave soon. I can't imagine she would want to work for someone who she hates. She seems to hate him since he ended it all. I think she'll go soon. That is my prayer.

Anyway, keep you guys posted.

Do you truly believe there is no other company who would have high regard for his experience and skills and just love to have him (at an even greater amount of money/benefits)? He is at the peak of his career in place?

Well, okay then.

Otherwise, it would not be such a hardship for him to start looking to greener pastures....would it?!

There are no greener pastures? Oh, okay. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

Hi there!

Getting to a couple of posts ago. Of course she was friendly to you. She had a thing for your husband.
That was really big of you to greet her the way you did! I am not sure I could have done that. She must have felt really small. Good for you!

How are feeling now? Maybe she will leave? With her being there, is it effecting you and H. with working on your marriage? And with everybody greeting you I bet it made you feel good. I can't recall, but did anyone know about the A between him and her besides the upper?

Ali~

I think everyone knows. I don't know for sure, but my husband did tell me that he heard the rumor was that the A with the OW ended badly and that was why they moved his office.

Anyway, I will continue to pray that she leaves and I will let you know.

As far as my husband's job. I don't want him to leave. My husband is in a field that has LOTS of perks...LOTS! We get to attend very cool events and parties and I LOVE IT! He could go somewhere else, but would either have to sacrafice the perks or we'd have to relocate. I don't want to do either. So I want him to stay. Could the grass be greener somewhere else? Maybe! But he sure learned the grass wasn't green with some other woman. So why when we are happy where he is, should we look for greener grass? I want him to stay.

Godhelpme,

Because my story is similar to yours, I understand what you are going through. My H left his job and was lucky to find another good job, but not quite as good. It has been hard to adjust. We also moved out of state for this position, and thought being away from the whole scene (because we were from such a small state and everyone knew), it would help us to work on US, and I wouldn't have to be reminded every day of his A. Well, that worked for a short time, but was not the answer. I still have the same insecurities and lack of trust, and on top of that, I miss my family very much. I learned that you cannot run from your problems, you need to face them head on and either work it out or move on. We have decided to move back home because this is what I need to do for me! If I have to face those demons again and perhaps risk running into the OW, well then so be it. HOpefully as I continue to seek IC, I will become a stronger person and like myself enough to hold my head high, and not feel degraded as if I am the BIG Loser is some sort of game. I commend you for allowing your husband to continue to work there. I am sure it must be difficult for you and your marriage, but you also made a point not to allow this person to ruin his life, your life, or what the two of you have built together. I see that as strength; not stupidity. You are right not to feel as though you have to make the sacrifice because of someone else's mistakes. As long as you feel that you can trust your husband to trust himself when he is around the OW. If you feel that you can to a certain extent and not allow it to hurt your progress together, then you do what is right for you. Everyone is different. I wish I had the strength not to feel defeated. I could not handle my H to work with OW, and actually, he felt that it could not work because of her desire to continue to make herself known in his life no matter how much he tried to keep her at arm's length. He also felt that it would hurt our marriage, as I did. But, let me tell you, I sure do miss the money and perks. You are right, finances put a strain on a marriage as well, and if you are already trying to get over one hurdle, why create another. You and your H stand your ground as a TEAM, and show the OW that you mean business, and she will not take your life down! Good Luck!

Miranda

Miranda, thank you. I have not second guessed my decision and your post really helped me to feel good about him being there.

Our situations were different and I could NOT have allowed my husband to stay at the job if 1) I was worried about him hooking up with her again and 2) if she would not back down. Because the OW in your case could break rules without worry of being fired, your husband probably HAD to leave. My husband has HR on his side and I believe they are truly both done with each other.

Good luck moving home. You have done NOTHING wrong and should feel no shame. He is with you. He made a mistake as we all have. If you believe in him and love him, stand by your man.

Good luck!

Hi.

If you and your H are comfortable with him at his job then why leave? What matters is that you and your husband can deal with ow being there. Maybe she won't leave. But I think lessons were learned and the ow obviously feels ackward. That is a good sign.
How are you doing otherwise? Too me, it seems that you are OK. ??? He seems remorseful and that is what really counts. We all make bad choices and I am sure he realizes it. I have realized that things happen for reasons. It has taken me two long years to realize that maybe my H. A. was a blessing. ??? Maybe it took my H. A. to realize that I wasn't meant for him? As I hate to admit it, his affair opened my eyes to the cruelness that I encounter each and everyday. Maybe your H. A. was a cry for help?

Good luck and keep us posted

Ali~

Godhelpme,

Thanks for the encouragement, and I plan to do whatever takes to save my marriage. I did not invest 16 yrs of life with this man to have it all thrown away because of one mistake. What is really ironic is that this whole situation has made our marriage stronger than it was before. It opened up a lot of doors of communication, and made me realize that I love my H more than I ever knew and I cannot imagine my life w/out him. He states that he feels the same and this was a wake-up call for him as well. Let's hope that rings true! But if not, I am a stronger person because of this, and life goes on! Don't you find that it is really sad that people in this world take strong action before thinking of the consequences or the people they may hurt. I realized from IC that when it comes to A's, alot of times, the WS is not thinking at all. I had opportunitues to have A's myself, but never acted upon them, even though I considered it, because I was afraid of how badly it would hurt my H. I guess some of this think, and some of us don't. I wish people who have not had an A, visit this site so they can see the consequences of their actions, and they make stop and think before the plunge head first into something! As they say "Keep the Faith".

Just an update. I will see the OW back to back Feb. 13 and 14th at work related events. Wondering if she will be "different" more friendly perhaps this second meeting. On the 14th I will have my kids who she always adored. I'm sure my oldest will remember her and I wonder how that will go. I wonder if she'll ignore my kids?!

Anyway, my husband keeps assuring me that they barely interact. With him moving offices, they see each other max once a week and they avoid each other most of that time. That is what he tells me.

I was curious what you guys think. My husband has been at this company 8 years and during that time I have made "friends" with some of his co-workers. One imparticular did tell me (via a phone conversation) that she knew and she was praying for me. I keep wondering if I should specifically ask her to look out for me. Make sure nothing is going on and that she isn't hearing any other "rumors" about the two. She told me she had no idea about it. That there wasn't any office gossip she was aware of until my husband moved his office and then the rumor became because he had ended thing with the OW. Sometimes I assume she is looking out for me since she openly discussed it with me, but then I wonder if I should let her know I want to hear everything.

She does not report to my husband or work in the same department, though they do work closely on certain projects. What do you guys think? I trust her to be honest with me. But should I get her involved? My fear is my husband NOW knows not to talk to her on the cell phone or text message. So maybe they talk at work. I'd have no way of knowing unless I had a spy. Should I just believe him? Especially after all the lies?

I dont think you should get co worker involved this is a very personal thing and having work collegues in volved seems to me could cause problems in the future.

As reguard to NC dont believe a word he says watch his actions. Is he being the loving close H you knew before the A.

This work A is the worst, I should know in the thick of it still.