Hi, I feel almost quilty writing on this my second day, but I've read good things and good advice. I wish my W would read it too.

I'll try to make this as short as possible, but I'm sure everyone knows how it is the day after D-day. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />
I'm remarried and both my W and I have kids from previous marriages. Believe it or not, we actually met on the internet. But it was only e-mail and I was introduced by her sister, so it was actually only a way of becoming acquainted. It wasn't like I picked her up in a chatroom. Our relationship has been a little rocky, some bad fights and bad words, mainly the bad words from me. She was cheated on before so she has always been touchy about it.
Anyway, she was uprooted and maybe a little bored, and I think now that I didn't provide for her emotional needs like I needed to. She increasingly became interested in a singers message board. She posted a picture of us and shortly thereafter was engaged in conversation with someone with a female name, but she didn't know whether it was or not or any other details of it. He/She never divulged it.

For these months she was increasingly aloof and withdrawn and really her only interests were this message board and I came to find out....this person she was e-mailing back and forth with.

It was my frustration that led me to MB before I knew of her A (if you can call it that...though to me it was). I suspected I wasn't supplying her needs and asked if she really wanted to work on our marriage. She said she didn't know, she needed to think and she'd give me an answer when she got back from NY (she was going to this singer's benefit concert without me, something I stupidly agreed to). I was really hurt that she had to think about whether to work on our marriage with me and needed time to "sort things out"

Turns out she felt she was in love with this mysterious internet P, someone of uncertain gender and background with a story that sounded fictional. He/She had provided her needs. The reason I found out was that she accidently sent a copy of a reply to her lover to my e-mail as well. I read that stuff and it floored me. It wasn't sexual. It was sweet nothings. Something she said really struck a chord. She used to say the same things to me. They ended their notes with "I love you" and "xoxoxoxox"

I still can't get the words out of my head. Maybe I'm over-reacting, but to me this is worse than if she had a one night stand with someone and it meant nothing. She honestly feels that she loves this person and is broken up about it.

I hope I'm not violating any rules of the message board here. I'm nervous that everyone will read this and just say shut up. Can I add that I really don't have a person I can talk to except my wife so I'm alone with my frustration

Anyway, in closing, this site maybe will save my marriage because I looked at it before I knew. Or maybe I'm deluding myself. My W was very worried when she saw she sent me the mail and wanted to meet immediately. With the exception of one outburst of "F.. cheater" I handled it well. This site had led me to understand her addiction in advance of me knowing her addiction and had also made me aware that I might have failed to meet her needs. I made her tell the person it was over (she wrote it as short as possible, but I think he/she understood because I haven't seen any more e-mails. It seems a little whacky, but I actually comforted her that she had lost and hurt this person. How messed up is that. All I could think was that I have to deposit love units and if that's how I have to do it, then so be it.

Anyway, I promise, last paragraph and the heart of the matter. My W is now aloof and seems almost like it was me cheating. She was more affectionate before I found out. She wants to pretend as though nothing happened and doesn't want to talk that much about it. I need closure, but I don't want to push her away. What is your advice on how to handle W and I now? I promised myself I wouldn't verbally or emotionally beat her over this. It's weird, she must have had a huge love bank built up because I'm starting to forgive her and she's done nothing to deserve it yet except not write to him. How long should I be suspicious? Forever? Buy a spying thing? Your advice please? Thank you. Sorry to write so much but I haven't vented this to anyone.

I am new at this so I hope this is okay advise...
I know what I am doing is reading all I can on this web site. I also printed out all of the questionnaires and filled them out. I left a blank copy with my husband and gave him my copy. I also set up an appointment with a marriage counselor. I told him before we went that we both needed to be totally honest. We went tonight for the first time. I will admit it was a little rocky, but helpful, very helpful. She was there to listen and offer suggestions to get over things. He is not the only one who messes up and I am sure you would agree, you probably mess up sometimes too. It gave us a safe open forum to talk about what is really wrong. Why we have the problems we have and the root of him trying to cheat. If I were in your shoes, I would ask her if she is willing to give it a try. At least you are trying. I also do not have anyone else to talk to, which is why the marriage counselor is really a help. Someone you can both talk to and know that it is confidential. Good luck. I hope it all works out for you, you sound like you are really trying to put your best foot forward.

Thank you. I needed that. I'll take all the advice I can get. Did you just tell your spouse that you set up the appointment and he went? I also printed out the questionnaires, but she said she just wants to veg a bit and not talk about or do anything deep. I had e-mailed her most of the MB topics and then printed them out, but she hasn't read it yet.
She seems depressed and out of sorts and I think my efforts to save this marriage so soon after finding out are pushing her away. Before I found out she was affectionate. Now she is almost repulsed. She says it's "too weird". I'm just not sure what kind of luck to expect with getting her to a marriage counselor yet? How long should I wait? Should I give her space?
Thanks for the advice
P.S. She stills uses the internet, mainly the singers message board, a lot. She seems aimless though, like she's itching for the more one on one conversations she used to have. She was honest with me about her feelings and what was going on, didn't try to cover it up and she's always been honest before. Should I trust her when she says it's over?

I told my husband I was setting up an appointment. He said okay and I set it up immediately (Mon) and made the appointment for today. I didn't want him to change his mind! I found out on December 29, 2004 that he tried to cheat (didn't, but tried with our nanny). After that I was mad for a couple of days and had to pretend everything was okay in front of the In-laws, then on Monday decided we needed help to have a reasonable conversation and told him I was going to set up the appt. Even if he didn't come I needed someone to talk to. To help me work through it.
I am working on rebuilding the trust. I figure we have nothing without at least a little trust, but it is really hard.

I am jumping in... hope it's ok. Need, you have found a good place. I have found in the short time I have been here- no one judges and we are only here to support YOU and any decision you might make. I guess a few things "stick-out" with your story... so do you know if this other person is a man or a woman? Did they ever make physical contact? Not that is matters- I feel that emotional affairs are sometimes worse than just sex. So, it's not that it matters. Do you think that they are still in contact? If you want to know- please let me know because I have a software you can install on the computer to find out any and all that she is doing and saying. So, just let me know. It disturbes me that she is pulling away from you... my first reaction is to tell you to leave for a while. Do you have kids? Can you leave for 3-4 days? Maybe she needs to be TOTALLY without you for a while. She says she wants to "veg"... then give her lots of veg time- but you cannot allow her to emotionally whip you while you try to put your marriage together... does that sound too harsh? I'm so sorry if I sound mean- I am NOT a mean person but I am protective of my people here... and you sound SO HURT in your post. Let me know how you feel about my comments... I will be on here for a while... please know I will do anything and everything in my power to help you thru this- no matter what direction it may go.

Hugz from Texas!!!! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

need-an-ear

When I first came here some months ago I was struck by the comment that EA’s - emotional Affairs - can be just as damaging as PA’s - physical affairs - it was hard for me to accept as I came here to get help to put my M back together due to my short affair. Reluctantly I might add but because my H came here I eventually with some encouragement posted.

Well since I have found out an affair is an affair is an affair, that simple. And they all hurt everyone involved.

So you are not being silly and yes you have been betrayed, not physically you can hope, but the NY trip is one for worry, it’s a very common beginning for EA to go PA…but lets assume right now its only EA.

Firstly, you should read all the info on this sight and learn about Plan A & B etc.

You should also know that she is probably going into withdrawal from her internet ‘friend’ and that is explained here on the site which explains her remoteness from you right now, You really cant expect much from her right now, she’s in a mourning as its been explained to me for her friend and probably shutting herself off a bit to you. Its normal.

Go to this shortcut and it will give you a good insight to what you can do and what is going on…

The Path to Recovery: Johnh39's complement to WAT's quick-start guidelines

The aim to give your W a safe place with you to give you the truth. Many FWW such as I fear to tell our H what happened exactly because we fear they will leave us, hate us, be disgusted and repelled by us………and it happens. So I suggest you decide now if you can what you want, the M or want out, knowing that is a real help to let her know its safe.
Of course as time goes on no one can predict what you or she will want then, but for now if its possible, let her know you are not moving on.

The other thing is honesty. Its ok to tell her that her actions are hurting you and the love you have for her. Its ok to say calmly and kindly that you need to talk about her attachment to this ‘person’ about what happened on the NY trip, the love she expressed for this person and did not for you.
BUT ANGER has no place here or you will drive her away.

If you’re angry, go hit a bag of sand or something. Anger at this time will work against you. Later you can express it to her.

So read read read and ask questions.

Hi All,

Now day two since D-day. I want to thank you for your advice and concern. It does help. There was some questions still that I'll answer....

1) She doesn't know if a guy or girl. The e-mail was a girl's name, but she always assumed it was a guy (because she's not attracted to girls)

2) She never met him/her, talk to him on the phone, or anything of that sort. It was purely an EA with a stranger

3) She never got to go to NY. She was due to go this coming Saturday, but since I found out Tuesday, it got cancelled.

4) This trip meant a great deal to her. She says she needed that kind of excitement. She doesn't have friends or a fulfilling job, etc, and needs some sort of activity. She promised it wasn't to meat anyone, but in the discovered e-mail she did say "if she could wave her magic wand he would be there with her". So I interpret as the intent was there.

5) I did read Plan A and Plan B. She did call it off with him. She's always been someone I've respected for her honesty and trustworthiness, so right now I believe she thinks it's ended. I'm just worried that maybe he'll write more and she'll be sucked back in. I did do a few love busters in being demanding that she call it off and saying I didn't think her e-mail was clear enough to him/her that it was over. He hasn't written since, as far as I know, unless it's at her work e-mail.

6) DogMom, thanks for the offer. I looked into the software, but maybe naively I'm going to go with trust for a while unless I get suspicious of her again. In that case I'll definitely let you know. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

7) Aussieswife, I think she is having withdrawals. I'll keep that in mind during my interactions.

Thank you all for your replies. Last night my Taker was talking and while I love her deeply, I did explore the divorce option in my head; weighing the pros and cons as it were. My taker wanted me to start over without her and let her have her fantasy person. I'll work through that. Right now, I'm just trying to avoid letting my inner Taker talk to her.

Need,
I, too, feel your pain. My H's A was a PA/EA and let me tell you the EA was MUCH harder for me to deal with. In fact, you those images that people can't seem to get out of their head, well, for me, they were the sitting close together in the car, or talking to her late at night, or kissing her sweetly in the stairwell. Those things, in the end, meant more to me than the sex. So, no you are not crazy, as others have told you. And as aussie said, an A is an A, is an A.
Keep your chin up. Keep asking for advice, and keep talking to your W. I hope all works out for you.

Need

good to see the trip is off...however you have been given a BIG hint as to one of her needs here, did you pick up on that???
She needs an interest and some excitement...the 'right' kind of course...
ok what about you investigating for her - a surprise - something that she can share with you to do, a course or a hobby SOMETHING..run into a brick wall let her know what you were trying to do - BIG love banking - and then get her to help a bit as well - options - dont book her in or anything - you want her to work WITH you...just an idea Need.

It sounds like a straight out fantasy BUT its a warning - she could easily meet an 'interesting' person on a trip alone like she was thinking and then... welll now you know to be proactive!!!

Ok love, reassurance, gentleness, and do SOMETHING SPECIAL, can you afford a nice meal out, a picinic (weather permitting), cook for her - candles, surprise her for lunch just something nice to ler her know you are aware of her isolation and boredom, maybe a long lunch exploring hobby options together.....whew working at a M is hard isn't it???

Have you got "his needs her needs" book at all??? can you get it? Its by Harley on the bookstore here on this site....very good.

Some M counselling could be a good thing...a good pro M counsellor,,,,,,,, on this site there is a checklist on how to find a good one.
There will be a lot of issues to work through, anger, hurt, pain, resentment - on both sides you will find. Leaving them to fester will cause M problems and God forbid maybe another affair, could even be you next time!!

I think you should use this horrible experience as a cry for help from your W. You need to ensure she can go to YOU for that help and that YOU pay attention to her when she does. She needs to know she can and should go to you - hey did I learn that the hard way - and do the same for you. Commonsense you say but look how often it fails.

Ok get reading, get working AND hand the book to your W, how can she know if she is not given the tools like you?
Remember, you can vent here and ask questions and SHARE your growing knowledge...........and so can your wife. I came here ONLY after my H found this site and started asking questions and after a lot of hesitation I started to post too.
There a few of us FWW around who would be happy to help her and we chat on many things too not just the 'YUCK' Affairs.

Thanks once again for all the advice,

It has all been so good. What I found very helpful, was that I had already started to read all this before I found out about my wife's EA. I felt like I was losing her to the internet, but could only respond with jealousy and annoyance that she was choosing what I thought was a message board over me. When I found out there was a particular person, it almost didn't seem much different because I felt like I was already competing against something on this computer.

Anyway, I wanted to update and ask for advice. I hurt so damn bad right now I'm afraid I'm screwing up. I'm too anxious to get back to something good. This EA was a wake-up call for me. Everything seems pretty clear to me now. Our marriage has been goods and bads, but I can honestly say that when you look at bad love busters that I was most often the culprit. I've seen these things as a result of this and no I can make it right and also make this marriage excellent.

Unfortunately, my wife is in a different place and it's hard given my current positive attitude to deal with what I see as my wife's uncertainty about our future. She says she still loves me, but not as much. She's only really one day out from the end of her EA so I know she should be given a little leeway. My heart tells me that her love is just on "mute" right now, but will come back to full volume, if I have the patience and understanding. It just feels like now she's taking the opportunity to determine if the reason she strayed is her heart's way of telling her that our marriage isn't right. She has had bad experiences in the past and doesn't trust that I can correct my errors (these include a lot of angry outbursts, being crabby to her children, and saying very hurtful things including one time me telling her I wish I hadn't married her). I know she can trust me with her heart, but I'm not sure she's ready to believe me.

Lastly, she does want counseling. By herself for starters. She says the last time she got counseling, the therapist suggested there was a reason she went to a guy's house to make spagetti (nothing happened) and it was a warning sign. To me it sounded like the therapist kind of made it sound like that this warning was her way of saying she should consider leaving the marriage. Or at least that's what I heard. I'm worried if she goes to a regular counselor that he/she might make her feel similar about our marriage, that the fact that she strayed means she wanted to get out. I hope that's not so, but I scared of it. What if the impression she gets is that she should get out? I have two kids and she has two kids, but I think over the past couple weeks I've finally realized I'm lucky enough to have four kids and I wife I don't want to imagine life without. So, should I worry or quit being such a panty waist? Tonight I finally just lost it, crying like a ten year old girl. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> Writing this and knowing I won't get judgemental comments makes me feel better already.

ME: 37
WW: 39
S 13; S11; SS8; SD 10
dog x1, cats x2

Nothing wrong with cying at all, at this time avoid doing in front of WW as she will probably see it as being 'needy' [no pun intended]. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

You can show her your hurt and pain but again I would not expect much.

OK do the Plan A thing - have you done the EN questionnaire together yet? Handy tool.
the A is most likely over but still show her the H she married, in fact the new improved H she has now!! Again expect not to much right away from her.

She will be looking side ways at you,WTH is going on etc etc...answer her honestly, you felt she had some valid complaints and she deserved to be better treated so you are doing it!! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

You might get a sarcastic comment or two but keep it up & it will become second nature to you.
{says me trying to get thro recovery <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> ] and she will LOVE it.

When she says things to justify her behaviour - no it wasnt a sign the M was 'wrong' it was a sign she has a built in defence from the previous M I suggest where she distrusts fully putting herself in anothers power by 'trusting' and therefore expects the new M to fail eventually.....
jmho <img border="0" title="" alt="[Razz]" src="images/icons/tongue.gif" />

Just out of interest you may want to read this
Infidelity on the Internet.

Now as for counsellors yes be concerned...many seem to be pro divorce and being a bit cynical this weekend I'd say its probably because their M's failed!!

OK to get a good counsellor go to - [you can also use the method to get a good IC as well]
How to Find a Good Marriage Counselor

<small>[ January 08, 2005, 03:01 AM: Message edited by: aussieswife ]</small>

aussieswife, thanks for the info. Sometimes just need to get things out of my system then I can bounce back. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Wes