I am glad I found this place....I have yet to talk to anyone except my wife.

My wife and I have been married for over 10 years, been together 16 total. For the last few years we grew apart and became room mates. We both gained weight and drank quite a bit. In the first week of Septemeber she moved out. After a couple weeks we decided to get back together and work things out. It took about six weeks before we started getting back the love we had from before. We both stopped drinking daily and both got down to our pre-married weights. We became very loving and spent all our time together and all our friends commented on how good we looked together. We also both became poster children for weight loss at our respective jobs. I lost 50 lbs and she lost 30. Sex became better then it had been in years...I still find my wife very attractive.

Well I was very happy that we were saving our marriage. On Christmas night at my parents house my wife looked very stressed. When we got home she dropped the bombshell. She had been having an affair since December 2003, and finally broke off with the man November 5th. She said she broke up with him because she saw I was the one she wanted to be with. In the last two weeks she has given me all the ugly details. She showed me where he lived and gave me all his personal information.

My logic side and my heart says to work this out. I mean before she confessed I looked hard at our relationship and saw that I was ignoring her completely...We were both 50/50 to blame for how our marriage was, but I still don't believe there is any excuss for cheating. Also since she came back in September I fell in love with her again.

She has apologized many many times and has been very honest and answered all my questions. I told her I fogive her, which I do. I mean even though I don't believe there is a valid excuse for an affair I do understand how it could of happened. But the affair is driving my mind insain.

Does the hurt go away and does our marriage look like it could recover?

Welcome to the boards.I am so sorry for your pain.
I think you will find a great support group here. I have only been here myself for a few days, but have made some great friends and am getting lots of help. I think you will also find lots of people who think, yes, your marriage is worth saving, but it will be work. It sounds like you are already on the right track. Please read through this whole site, because there is sooo much great info here, and ask lots of questions.
Hope we can all support you and help you overcome some of the hurt!

Hemi... my first initial, gut reaction is to tell you- do NOT give up! Your marriage is worth it! So are you and your wife. You BOTH seem to have put lots of work into this in the recent past. Hell, I wish I could lose 30 pounds. AND the other thing you need to think about is that she appears to be giving you all the infomatin she can and trying to be honest. I know that sounds so crazy b/c she has been hiding and A from you but it seems like there is a starting point here. That is the one thing I keep reminding myself- go FORWARD and do my best to not think about the past.......... it EATS ME UP!!!

You sound like to be REALLY in love with each other... so keep posting, reading, interacting here. We have ALL been in your shoes here- my DDay was 12/18/04... I'm in an anger stage again. I'm going through some depression again... it's NOT EASY- don't kid yourself about that- but you can do it. Ask me any question you may have... when I am not at work I am here- and even if I work- I check in when I get home. If you would like to email me holleyr@austin.rr.com.

Keep your chin up!!!

Thanks for the replies.

My W and I talked for four hours about the events of the affair. I think what drives me crazy is how easy it was for her to do it under my nose. I admit I was not menatlly in our marriage during that time and looking back I was not concerned that she could be cheating on me. She gets off work at 1:00 PM every Friday and I get off at 5:00 PM. She would meet this other guy between those hours and so she never had weird unexplained hours. Right now being the first Friday that we are both working our normal hours since she told me about the A, I find myself siting here playing over the events in my head.

Do people that cheat really deserve to be forgivin? How will I ever get the thought of this man being inside of her out of my mind? I am still madly in love her, but is that enough for this to work out?

Dear Hemi,
Those same questions reside in all of us. And, trust me, I know the feeling: how could my S do this right under my nose? The truth of the matter is, we let it. Not that we let the affair happen, but that we were so comfortable in our trust for the other person, we didn't listen to our own intuition. I, too, wondered if my H was having an A, and either I was in total denial, or like I said, trusted him so much that I didn't question some of his odd behavior. Looking back at it, those small things GLARE at me, but if you let it consume you, you wont be able to heal.
I hope that we can get passed all this, and that those thoughts of her with him go away. As for them being forgiven, I really don't know. Many people would tell you, yes. Most of the time, I would tell you yes, but today I don't know. Be prepared for that, as well. There will be times that you want to give up, get even(or level the playing field as my other MB friends & I call it),and want to say mean and spiteful things. But there will also be times that you feel so close to your wife, that you can't imagine living without her. Hold on to those times, talk through the other times, and pray! I don't know if you are religious at all, but my advice no matter what you believe is pray. It helps, it really does!
Stay strong, Hemi, and feel free to post as often as you like. You can also feel free to join DogMom and me and a few others who have been posting a lot to each other at another thread(Newbie needing to talk). Like I've said, we've only talked for the last couple of days, but I aready consider them my friends!
Please feel free to talk this through, we are here for you!

Hemidart,

So sorry that you find yourself here but this is the right place for you given your circumstances. As others have said read Basic Concepts and postings here. You might want to order a copy of "Surviving An Affair" - excellent book.

Yes, your marriage will survive and can be better than it ever was. Eventually this memory will fade. Yes, forgiveness should be given to those who are truly repentant and at no charge.

In one sense you are very lucky (I know it doesn't seem like it) in that your wife is willing to do what it takes to heal your marriage, If you read others' stories here there are many who are struggling to persuade their wayward spouse to end their affair. You are past that struggle and all that remains to do is to heal your marriage and this site can help you attain that healing.

I am sorry for what you are going through. I have been there. I was sickened by the thought on my wife of 20 years having sex with the low life OM. I could not believe what she was doing. My D-day was April 15, 2004. I 'thought I would never frogive her. But I eventually did. Let me say this for your wife.
1. She told you.
2. She has willfully given you the details.
3. It seems to me she feels remorse for what she did.
4. She wan't to work things out.

My relationship with my wife is better now. I still get repulsed by the thought of this slime ball having sex with my wife. But not so bad any more. I have recently been in your shoes if you need to talk or want to know what to expect in the next few months email me.

God Bless

Chris

Hemi,

Try posting or reading over on the recovery board. You will get great insight on recovering. It isn't easy and there are tons of people over there to help you with recovery. I would say the first thing you should do is go out and get a copy of Surviving and affair and his needs/her needs and read them both. You will learn so much from those books.

God bless and good luck.

HINY

A little update.

My wife's best friend called me on Saturday. Her and I were always close up till a couple years ago. She was so sorry about what happened. She always considered me a friend, but was friends with my wife first. She begged my wife to tell me about the A. She told me how in the years before the A that my wife felt I didn't love her anymore, she thought I wanted out of the marriage. She said my wife loved me so much and couldn't understand how our marriage got to where it was. Then this OM came into the picture and told her how beautiful she was and listened to her.

During the A she said my wife was talking suicide. She said she was so depressed by what she was doing to me and hoped that I would discover the A so I would hate her and I would leave. She said that my wife was hitting bottom and didn't know what to do. She had no faith in marriage.

The funniest part is her friend said I should stalk the OM. She said I would find it funny. She said he looked like me. She said he had my pre fat build and the same haircut. I thought it was funny that she told me that because when my wife described him to me I told her...You know you were having an A with my twin....

Since she told me about the A, she has been saying sorry every day. She told her friend that she has screwed up her life and her life with me and didn't think she deserved me. As painfull as it was she has told me every detail. She wants me to handle her cell phone bill again and reset her hours at work so I would not be worried during that 5 hour window on fridays that she was able to have the A.

Yesterday while in one of our many long talks about the A. She was crying again and saying how sorry she was. I looked at her eyes and knew she was really sorry. I mean my wife has always been a good person who because of our marriage situation got lost.

I truly forgave her last night and said I don't want to talk about this anymore. I want to move on with her and forget what happened. I told her that I forgive her totally without reservation, but that if she ever tried this again I would give her no quarter and would be gone. I promissed that I would never take her or our marriage for granted and be honest with my feelings. Once I was able to truly forgive her then the A stopped bothering me. It was like a weight lifted off my shoulders.

She held me and cried for an hour afterwards.

If she had not left me in September and we had not both changed physically and emotionally towards each other and if we had not fallen in love again, the A would of been a marriage killer. Now we both look very good for our age. In fact Saturday night a couple we were talking to at a local bar thought We were both in our late 20's. My wife is 36 and I am 39. I still find it funny.

I am going to take it day by day but have hope that this will work out.

One more thing. This site is bad in that people come here after the A. People should come here before there are problems. My wife and I have become very cynical when it comes to newly weds. We saw how ignorant we were about marriage and now understand how easy it is to have a failed marriage.

Even though it took an A and a brief break up, I feel I have my wife and marriage back.

I wish everyone here going through an A my thoughts. I hope you can all work it out with a happy ending.

Wow your story sounds so much like mine. She is truely sorry and she will help you deal with your pain. My FWW told me every detail and she cried the whole time. For the next 3 months we had many conversations about the A and our relationship and things we did not talk about for years...planning for our future, etc. You can recover and your marriage can be better than ever.

Chris