My husband finally confessed to me 4 days ago that he had a one night stand 9 months ago. The night he told me I was of course devestated. I told myself that no matter how much I love him I would divorce him because an affair is unforgiveable. The next day I asked him to tell me every detail of the one night stand. He told me that he met her at a club and she asked him to go home with her. They stayed in her livingroom began to have sex. He stopped and told her he couldnt do this and asked her to take him home. Sometimes I feel like this is such a fine line from committing an affair. Sometimes I feel like I could forgive this and other times I feel like I am lying to myself by thinking that I can classify this as not an affair. I want to see this as a big mistake and move on. This is so important to me because if this is an affair, I will divorce him.

Hi SWN,

Welcome to MB. I'm sorry that you are here and are dealing with the pain of adultery.

Have you read the articles here on the MB website?

From what you've told us, I would say that there is a VERY good chance for you and your H to learn from all of this and rebuild your M. Whether or not your H consumated the sexual act or not with this OW (other woman), he definitly placed himself in a position that cleary isn't supportive or beneficial to your M.

Adultery can be defined as anything that dilutes or weakens the M. It can be illicet sex, work, TV, children, anything that weakens the M... but typically, the definition of adultery is when a married spouse engages in sexual activity with someone other than their H or W. Adultery can occur even if sex doesn't happen. This is what is known as an Emotional Affair. Emotional Affairs are very difficult to over come becuase the affair partners have both expressed their "love" for each other... if the EA is allowed to continue, then most likely, the physical act of sex is highly likely.

Your H's honesty and willingness to tell you about the ONS (one night stand) shows that he is willing to reach out to you and work on the M. It doesn't sound like your H was emotionally attached to this girl, so that is a "good" thing in that your H isn't dealing with any withdrawals from the OW...

My recommendation is for you to agree to NOT make any decisions regarding divorce for at least 6 months. Find a good pro-marriage marriage counselor and start going with your H.

SWN, I'm in no way minimizing your pain... but you and your H have a great opportunity to rebuild your M... Please find a pro-M MC and start going as soon as possible...

Let us know how you're doing...

Semper Fi,
RIF

This is all so very confusing to me. I know that my husband wants me to forgive him. And I also know that my emotions are running wild right now so I don't plan on making my decision until five months from now. My husband and I are physically oceans apart right now so marriage counseling is not really an option. I have read all about rebuilding a marriage and this is something I don't understand. To me, a marriage starts from the day you say "I do" and it ends when you die, you get a divorce, or in this instance an affair. I know that there are other people who feel the same way I do. I just feel that my marriage is not sacred anymore. I also know that there are so many people out there who have worked things through and I guess they know something I don't. I love my husband with all my heart and he loves me the same. But it still was not enough and he had sex with this woman. I have seen many people I know have affairs and I would hurt so much for them and also have anger for the victim. I would pray all the time that it would not happen in my marriage.

I asked my husband to be completely honest with me and in turn I told him every single thing that I was not honest with him about in the past. This includes giving someone my email address and then emailing them to tell them I wasn't interested, feeling emotionally attached to my co-worker, calling someone twice on the phone and conversed with them twice when he went to school for a month and two crushes I had. Of course this was a surprise to him because he always thought that I was the PERFECT wife and that was partly why he felt so-o bad for what he did. He states that he thought I gave him my all but now he feels that I gave less than my all. He asked me if our marriage really was sacred before his affair since I did all these things. He also asked me if I would have told him the things I have done if he never had an affair. Once my husband and I moved back together (remember we are apart) I was going to tell him because I didnt want him to be suspicious while we are still apart. I didn't plan on keeping it from him forever. Also, he wasn't totally clueless because I did talk about the crushes I had with him. My husband also tells me that I would be lying to myself if I tried to believe that he didn't have an affair. He said that maybe I could consider that he stopped what he was doing before it went to far when determining if I want a divorce. The only thing that runs in my head is : Affair= Divorce Anything less is considerable

Please tell me the mystery of rebuilding a marriage after an affair because no matter how much I try to understand I don't. All I see is that my marriage is no longer sacred.

SWN,

Everyone is different. There are some people that just can't get over the pain of betrayal...

I'm not going to try and talk you into something that you don't want to do.

I do, however, based on what you've told us, believe that you and your H have a very good chance to rebuild your M into a M that's better than either of you ever dreamed was possible.

Only you can decide what you want... I suspect that since you're here, that you are at least re-thinking your statement "Affair=Divorce". Many MBers have said the same things... until they actually had to deal with it... Even if you do decide to divorce your H.... you will still have to deal with the pain and hurt that he's caused.

Read up on the articles here and look for a good pro-M MC... even if your H can't go with you right now, MC will help you put things into proper perspective.

Semper Fi,
RIF

After reading your first reply to my statement and learning the many definitions of adultery, I decided to call my cousin for advice. Her husband has done things in the past that do not equal to a sexual or even an emotional affair but now that I knew that she would understand what I was going through I asked some advice from her. I told her that I just feel that if I take him back that I am going against what I believe in. I know that it took a lot for my husband to stop what he was doing and take himself out of the situation but no matter what way I try to look at it he had an affair. I don't know if his actions were any better than if he completed the sexual act accept that yes, he did think about what he was doing to me.

My cousin told me that another way of looking at it is: A sin is a sin and thats why there is forgiveness instead of trying to determine whether I could forgive him because he did not complete the act and if that is any better than completing the act.

All I know is that if I decide to stay in this marriage I don't want the remnants of his actions to haunt me. I know that it takes time to heal my pain but I don't want to be paranoid that he is going to have an affair again. I don't want to be crying 2 years from now and I know that I don't want to throw things in his face. I know that I will need some reassurance from time to time but I don't want to carry the pain forever.

Although I might look as if I am set in my way of thinking when I recieve my advice, this is not true. Every question that I ask is a qenuine question. All the advice does help me so-o much but it's like a drug. It wears off and then I feel horrible inside. Right now, I am always looking for reassurance and confidence until these feelings are fewer and farther between

SWN,

In my humble opinion, you and your H need to find a good pro-marriage marriage counselor and start going as soon as possible.

SWN - it is possible to recover from this. But it doesn't happen over night. You can work through all of this and you can learn to trust your H again.

Semper Fi,
RIF

swn,

If you H met a woman at work, talked with her all of the time, shared ideas and feelings with her, told her he felt an attraction to her, etc, would you be hurt? Would you consider that an affair? Would you consider that breaking your marriage vows?

You see fidelity is not just sexual. You are too young to remember the mess caused by President Jimmy Carter's admission that he had "lusted in his heart". He felt and feels that was a sin.

I must tell you that your H has a strong sense of right and wrong if he could stop in the middle of things and leave, AND then tell you what happened although you did not suspect. You could argue if his sense of right and wrong were stronger he would not have been in that position and you would be right.

BUT...there is something you need to understand and REALLY address. People are not affair proof. Some very very religious and devout people have come here having committed adultery. The way to avoid such temptation is to simply...avoid temptation by not being in situations where decisions have to be made under adverse circumstances: drinking, socializing, etc.

You yourself have been guilty of this as well. It is normal, you two are separated by a large distance and I suspect time now. So you are both vulnerable. Are you protecting yourself? You should be.

I think if you would read the articles here, you will see what Harley is motivated to do. Help people prevent A's either emotional or physical and to point out that marriage don't have to end because of them. The A can be the starting point of building a much better and stronger marriage IF people will learn about one another and the true dynamics of marriage and relationships.

I don't know you or your H, but I would guess you two could learn some more about marriages. It is not as simple as saying the "I do's" and living happily everafter. It takes focus, working together to adjust as each of you change through your lives, and as life throws each of you a curve.

As RIF says, it is your call on your marriage, but I would like you to consider the possibility that this latest curve in your life is an OPPORTUNITY to make your marriage stronger and deeper. You have this because of your H's honesty and in return you have been honest with him. While you don't understand it yet, you have both made your marriage deeper and better connected.

Please think about this carefully. You can view it as the end or you can view it as an OPPORTUNITY to make you marriage deeper, richer, and better connected. If you choose the latter you are NOT condoning his A, nor your choices. You are using them to learn and improve from. It is a matter of what you decide to do with the information you now have.

Please do the reading suggested, keep posting and asking questions, you will find the answers you need to make your decision.

God Bless,

JL

swn, compared to me you are lucky. My ex wife had an affair and kept on going with it until she was leaving me for long weekends with the OM.

The fact that your husband stopped and confessed is good. (not what he did). I wish my ex WW had done the same.