Dove-I would never think you nor anyone who has or is going through anything like this naive.

What may have happened in your sitch, I feel, is that you know best about your's and your H's relationship and that you are trying to continue to be the best wife possible to him.

I asked about "no sex", because, I feel, for men, sex is about the only way they can feel "close" to a woman, meaning in his heart. He possibly feels so seperated from you that he is subconciously "acting out" his frustration in some strange way that it's sending you signals and your radar is picking it up big time. You might be right and that your gut felling may be telling you he is thinking about an A.

Your sitch is extremely difficult for both of you. If you can't reach him sexually, he can't reach you emotionally and a wall begins to build.
Tell him how you feel about "everything". Tell him in all honesty you are very worried about your marriage. Let him know without his honesty your marriage won't get back on track. Let him know you feel uncomfortable about his old "friend" right now. Tell him you don't trust his judgement under the circumstances. Talk, talk, talk.

What 2 and I are trying to say, is if you feel worried like there is a ghost sitting in your relationship right now, there probably is. To what degree will be what your H honestly tells you.

I too talked myself out of alot of things I just didn't feel right about several times. I wish then I had the knowledge I have now from my reading and MB to really keep an open and honest dialogue with my H and didn't worry that he would think I thought him dishonest, whether he was or not.

I hope you and your H can come up with some idea for your SL that won't hurt you (your H may withdraw completely if he continually feels he is hurting you in anyway, physically and or emotionally).
I will chat with you soon. Take care of yourself.
Best wishes until then.

I agree that talking is VERY important right now. Neither of us is very good at that. He dreads "the talk" and I keep putting off bringing things up until I can't stand it any more. I have been making a real attempt to be sexual without "going all the way". It's been hard emotionally for me because it is a constant reminder of what I can't do right now, but I am enjoying being closer to him. We have been talking more, and spending more time together laughing (which we haven't been doing a lot of lately). I am okay with him and his "friend" as long as it is out in the open. She wants us to meet and become friends. She thinks we would have fun as couples going out and we have kids around the same ages. I'm not typically a jealous person so it doesn't bother me that they had slept together in the past. I'm hoping if I give him what he needs that he will have no reason to stray. I really don't think he would cheat on me (right now) because of an emotional attachment or to hurt me. I think it would be to satisfy his physical need for sex. I am going to read much more here to see how to better our communication. I really appreciate your thoughts and advice. I will continue to post and read. Thank you.

Hi Dove,

I was gone all weekend. I'm glad Holiday stepped in to help. She has wonderful insight.

I agree with Holiday...talk talk talk. My husband was having sex with the OW during his lunch breaks in the car. I too didn't think he had time.

I also was VERY unaware of HOW close he was to several of his female "friends". That is not a good sign. Why would he hide it unless there was something to hide?

Remember she "the ex" is his friend not yours. She might be protecting him by covering up things. Don't rely AT ALL on what she is telling you.

Please keep us posted and good luck!

Hi, thank you for being there with me. I confronted him about his friend last night, and we called her and hit him from both sides. According to her, she wasn't aware that he wasn't talking to me about their friendship. His excuse was that at the beginning of my illness when I stopped having sex with him but couldn't tell him why or what was going on with me he confided in her. They both agreed that they mostly talked about what I was going through and how he was feeling about it, apparently her sister went through something similar and it ruined their marriage so she was helping him understand what was going on. He wants us all to meet, he has never met her husband either. According to the both of them they haven't seen each other in 9yrs and just started talking again 2 years ago (which I already knew). He was afraid that during the time that our marriage was in trouble that if I knew he was confiding in her that I would take it the wrong way and cause more problems. I let him know that him hiding it makes it worse and that my imagination runs wild when I things are being done behind my back. We had a wonderful weekend together and I am feeling closer to him than I have in a long time. I truely hope and pray that things are as they seem or it is going to hurt so much worse if it's not.

How are you doing? Are you really okay with your husband still working with his ex OW? I give you all the credit in the world, you must be a very stong woman! Thank you very much!

Dove,

What you are describing is an emotional affair. Your husband has been having at best an emotional affair with this woman. All of you becoming friends is the wrong way to go. He needs to end ALL contact with her. Please Dove don't be naive. Read up on Emotional Affairs and you will discover that what they are calling a "friendship" is actually a very dangerous bond.

My husband's A began as an emotional affair. Once it gets to that point, the sex is easy. They have already bonded, care about each other and established a relationship that is inappropriate or they would have shared it with you. While my husband's REAL affair was going on, he was also having an emotional affair with another woman. Although he did not cross the line with her, I was totally unaware of how much they talked, what they talked about. I believe they both "thought" it was a friendship because they hadn't become romantic. But once my husband became familiar with what an emotional affair is (via marriage counseling) he realized it was in fact more than a friendship even though it was not sexual. That is what your husband is involved in...an emotional affair.

You need to have your husband end it immediately. Call her back and tell her there will be NO FRIENDSHIP or otherwise. Don't let him lure you into a false sense of security by having you all become friends. It needs to end NOW.

What do you and your husband want being friends with a person like this anyway? She is sending him photos of naked woman, talking about sex with him and is a swinger? What could either of you want or gain from a friendship with this person and her husband? Please hear me Dove, this is dangerous.

Thank you for being honest with us. I urge you to take action now to end it. I'd love to hear from others and what they think. Read up on what an emotional affair is and what needs to be done to stop it. This website talks a lot about it I believe. Do the right thing for your marriage. Not for him and certainly not for her.

good luck

Dove, I'm with 2 on this one...no meeting with this person. I just don't have a good feeling about it.

I think if you should tell your H this now, he will probably have a problem with it and think you are crazy for changing your mind.

How about "stalling" to meet her? If she was sending your H inappropriate email, and you weren't aware of it until you sneaked a peak, then their's isn't a healthy friendship for married people nor people in a relationship.

With all that is going in your M right now, I wouldn't need another woman to help on his end, do you understand what I mean? She may have been his friend for so many years, etc., but under your circumstances she should really bow out of the friendship completley. He needs to concentrate on your needs and you on his, minus a 3rd or even a 4th (her H) party.

Sadly, my brother in law over a year ago was having a friendly email sitch with an ex girlfriend from high school (mind you, he's in his mid 50's). My, sister in law, felt something wasn't quite right and finally after a year of being "crazy" (I told her she wasn't grounded...sound familar?) she found some evidence that he was seeing someone (the ex girl HS lived 3000 miles away) via email. She then looked up the OW telephone number and got her H.

Well, now it's 2 years later and I have a "new" sister in law. She is very nice. But, not the ending to the story I was hoping for.

Don't get caught up in the "fog" your H maybe blowing your way. Think it out, but don't hurt yourself doing so. Just stall for now, see how it goes and work on your H and yourself first.

I'm really confused right now. My husband had 3 different EA's before we got married and I went through hell. This doesn't feel any thing like those. He actually brought that up the other night saying that he realized the relationships he had before were inappropriate and that is why he wants me to meet this girl because he wants me to be sure that this is not like the others. The other EA's (I had no idea what to call them until this site, I just called them inappropriate friendships) are the reason that I don't completely trust him. I made him severe contact with those girls back then because I know they were wrong. He was friends with this girl before us and continued the friendship for about the first year of us dating, then she moved away and they lost touch. She moved back, married, about 2 yrs ago and they got back in touch through a mutual friend. I don't think I have the right to tell him he can't be friends with her just because she is the opposite sex, unless she or he crosses a line that is inappropriate. He has a male friend that I'm not to fond of, but I have no right to tell him he needs to end the friendship with him. The picture she sent him was the picture the girl had posted in her personals ad. I told him that it made me uncomfortable that she sent that to him and he apologized and said he didn't realize how revealing it was going to be. She had told him about her and he said if you have a picture send it. Besides this one thing, the things he was confiding in her about were the same things I was confiding in my girlfriend about. I didn't tell him all the conversations I have had with her so does that make me deceitful too? He doesn't know that I'm confiding in you guys either.

I do agree that meeting her right now probably isn't the best decision and that telling him this will raise suspicions. I think Holiday's idea of putting of meeting is a good idea. Though she's been e-mailing me every day. I can just sporadically respond and be very short in my responses. He doesn't know that we've been e-mailing each other; again I feel that I'm being as deceitful as he is or was. I don't really have a problem with her being a swinger (I'm pretty open minded and we have a few friends that live fairly alternative lifestyles that work for them) a long as there are no alternative motives. As open as I am, my husband knows that it is not a lifestyle that I would be comfortable living. But we do talk to our other friends about the experiences they have etc. so I don't think he would find it inappropriate to talk to her about the same types of things (am I making any sense right now??)I'd be okay with it too if I was informed of the conversations.

Ironically, talking to her has actually brought us closer together. Hearing all the nice things he has told her about me and us and hear how much he loves me and the kids has made me realize that he and I need to be saying these things to each other. I told him this and we have both made a very conscientious effort and things have been wonderful between us since last week.

As always I very much appreciate your concerns and advice and would very much like to hear what you think about all this. I am trying to keep a level head through all this, and you keep me honest. Thank you.

I would like to suggest (my opinion only) that you tell him that you're posting on this board, what you're posting about, and how you feel that has made you need to post. Perhaps you need to turn the tables and ask how he would feel if you had a male friend that you confided in more than him. I know that trying to make your spouse "see things your way" can lead to the LB disrespecful judgements, so careful how you bring it up, but I would ask the question just the same.

Maybe if he did some reading on the site about how EAs start, what the determining factors are (that indicate whether or not you've crossed the line), and what actions other betrayed spouses have taken because of EAs.

I have to have faith that once he can understand how you feel, he'll come around.

C

Charlie, I did put it to him that way the other night when we talked. I used to have a really good male friend and we lost touch, so I said to my husband "what if I was telling Reggie all these intimate things about us and about you but I wasn't telling you what I said. Then I want you to meet him. He has already make judgements about you according to what I've told him and he knows things about you but you don't know anything about him because I haven't told you". He said he understood, and this is why he wants us to meet. She is going through a lot of the same medical issues I am and he would like me to be able to talk to her about them, the way he did. He said that he didn't understand what was going on with me (or why we stopped having sex) and I was having a hard time understanding it myself, so he mentioned it to her (like I've said in previous posts, I did know they were talking)and she was able to explain things to him out of her own experiences. He said when he would be mad about some thing and be ready to blast me for it he would run it by her first and she would tell him if he was being stupid or not. I know I sound like I'm defending every thing he does, but I'm just trying to work this out here.

I will definitely think about letting him know I'm posting here, I'm just hesitant because it is in the infidelity section he will see it as an accusation. I have no problem letting him know that I'm reading different things here to help improve our marriage. I don't see him reading on his own, but I'm sure he would explore the site with me. When I let him read the essay that I posted earlier, he cried and said he was shock to find out that I thought our marriage was in that much trouble. He agreed that we are going through a hard time right now, but he said that "for better or for worse" he figured we were at a low point right now and when we got through it things would get better. As always, thank you!

Sorry Carla, I read the name wrong <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> !

Dove, I urge you to read about emotional affairs and insist this stop. If he hasn't crossed the line, you are in a crutial position to make sure it doesn't happen. I wish I would have had an opportunity like this.

If he thinks that you are OK with this in anyway, (like understanding what they talked about, or getting to know her) then it makes it even easier to carry on his relationship with her.

Your marriage is in a SERIOUS crisis RIGHT NOW! That means you have to take DRASTIC measures to ensure its safety. As I told you earlier, my husband was having both an A and an emotional affair with someone else. I made him end both. He had already ended the A but was remaining "friendly" with her. I put a stop to it as soon as I was aware of that. They work together and I have access to his work e-mail and voice mail to ensure that they are remaining strictly professional when it is necessary for them to talk.

Please understand Dove. I do not know you, but I am so afraid for you. If you think suspecting an affair has been awful, imagine the horror of knowing it is true. You have the ability RIGHT NOW to make the RIGHT decision (however drastic, unreasonable or harsh it may seem). INSIST that his relationship with this girl stop! He does not need her, nor do you. You guys only need each other to make this marriage work.

When I talked to the girl who my husband was only emotionally involved with, I told her that I was sorry that her "friendship" with my husband would have to end. I told her that I hoped (since she seemed nice and it appeared innocent) that they could talk again at some point in the future, that their "friendship" could resume at another season in our lives. But right now, my marriage was most important, her relationship with my husband was inappropriate and I was not comfortable with it. She agreed to honor my wishes (as a TRUE friend would do) and it is over.

I will tell you why this has worked. Today, my husband called me after a frustrating meeting he got out of. We talked for about 10 minutes as he vented his frustration. He NEVER called me with things like this...EVER. He would have called the A OW or the emotional affair OW, but not me unless he couldn't reach them. Well, NOW since neither is available, he HAS to call me. It made me feel great and I told him so.

I only want your marriage to avoid the horrors of an affair. Please do the right thing (again read up on how to handle emotional affairs) and good luck to you.

I have tried not to post too much on this message board anymore, but honestly Dove, I'm so worried for you (and praying for you a lot) that I am still checking in to see how you are doing.

Good luck and God be with you.

Dove,

It's Charla - I was named after my grand-father Charlie. Just an "a" instead of "ie".

Charla, I'm really sorry. I read your post without really looking at the name and then after posting realized I screwed and and then screwed it up again! I'm a little distracted. It's a beautiful name and I didn't mean any disrespect.

2,
I read your post over and over, and then I re-read the ones before it. I realized I've never been in the position that you have, so you would know better than me. I appreciate all the effort you have put into me (ie. posts, thoughts, and prayers) and decided that you are right. I also admitted to myself that part (maybe the whole) reason that I wanted to become friends with her was so that she could put a face to who he's told her about, and she would see how much me and the kids love him, and she would be less likely to help him do something that would jeopardize our marriage. After admitting this, I saw that I was still having trust issues and that I needed to deal with them head on. So, I sat my husband down last night and told him that I don't want him to take things the wrong way and that I trust that he is keeping a platonic relationship with his friend but that right now because of my own insecurities and where our marriage is that I'm not very comfortable with it. I told him that we have had many miscommunications over my illness and I attribute a lot of it to us turning to other people to confide in instead of each other. I told him that I wanted him to feel like he could talk to me about anything and not have to worry that he's saying something stupid and not having to run it by someone else first. I told him I would feel this way if he were confiding in a male friend that I didn't know. I said that I felt like I was being violated by him telling someone that I don't know things about me that I may not want someone else to know. Again, he said that he wanted us to meet and then I would feel better about every thing. I told him that I'm not ready for that right now. Maybe later when me and the marriage are in a better place that it would be possible, but right now I can't do that. He was a little offended, but took it better than I thought he would. We put together an e-mail to send her explaining how I felt and he said that he thinks this is what we need to do right now to get our marriage back on the right track. I told her that when I was feeling better about myself and our marriage was more stable that maybe then we could find a time to meet each other. She wrote back and said she understood and that our marriage had to come first right now, that she wishes us luck and to give her a call when we both felt comfortable.

I feel better. I will still check e-mails and his cell just to make sure he is keeping up his end. I feel bad about taking a friend away from him, I still don't think it's my place to do so, but like you said, I need to do what's right for our marriage right now. I will continue to post and let you know how things are going. I may be thanking you for saving our marriage soon! But right now I'd very much like to thank you for being so honest and sharing some of your pain with me. You listened, and saw right through my BS! You are an amazing woman and I'm very lucky to have found you here. Thank you.

Dove,

No problem with the name. I recognize that it's unusual.

I'm so relieved to hear that you were at least able to come to a temporary agreement with your H. I wish you all the best.

C

Dove, Good for you!! That is what we have been saying all along. Make yourself healthy in your marriage. I am glad your conversation with your H continually showed him respect, but that he needed to respect your wishes first.
I will check on you soon.

And 2-miss you and hope all is going well for you.

Dove, your post brought me to tears...really. I thank GOD that he gave me the words to share with you that spoke to you. I am soooooo happy that you had the courage to tell your husband the honest truth and that he was willing to do what you needed. The reason I am working on my marriage is that my husband was willing to do whatever I needed to feel safe again. That is a good sign and you should let your husband know how much that means to you.

I encourage you to continue to check on him. Not because I think you will find out anything, but because he did violate your trust and for that reason he now has to be checked on. Do not give in on that. My husband kept insisting that I NOT check on him. He had "come clean" and didn't think I was being fair. I continued to check and just a few short weeks later caught him in a lie on something I'd found out. That was the final straw that led to the phone call to the OW (remember I knew her) and she finally revealed everything.

If he TRULY has nothing to hide, he will not only not mind your checking on him, he will welcome it. Your checking will prove he is honest and trustworthy and will also keep him in line. You are in an EXCELLENT place right now. Continue on that road by taking the right steps. Be brave and bold and DO NOT give in to anything that isn't working for you.

I will continue to look for great progress reports from you. God bless and good luck!

Thank you Charla

Thank you Holiday...I know, I know, I can be a bit hard headed! You helped me think about how to respectfully talk to him. You really made me think when you wrote that telling him that I changed my mind would make him think i was crazy. That's why I decided I needed to tell him every thing.

2, I hope I made you cry in a good way! H seemed a little annoyed with me tonight, could have been because our 4 yr old has been crying all night. But if it's over the lose of his friend I respect his feeling of lose and I'll give him the time he needs to get over it. I'm planning on have a good weekend with him, I hope he's up to it! We have a reservation for a suite at a bed and breakfast the Sat. before Valentines Day to get away and celebrate us!

How are you doing Dove?

Dove,
I too had a hard time accepting my "snooping" as H calls it. He has been very mad at me, but is fine with me picking up the mail, even knowing that I am going to check the phone records. He still won't give me the password to his email. He has not used the cell since I highlighted all of the phone calls, so it makes it harder to track these things as he is working many hours these days. I call every now and then to say hi to him, except now he is seeing it as checking up on him. I try to tell myself that this is his stuff and not mine, but it is hard. Hang in there. You have every right, IMHO, to everything in your home and between the two of you.