Hi all, obviously this is my first time to these forums. I c and p'd the acro list so hopefully I'll make some sense.

This story is long so I'll try to shorten it the best that I can.

DH works for a company that delivers food products to convenience stores across our state. DH was written up at work recently for sexual harassment of one of the employees of one of these stores. I, of course, 'stood by my man'. He denied anything inappropriate had happened. I took his word for it, until a week later that write-up was trashed because the girl who had accused him of sexual harassment had text messaged him while he was with his boss, which meant that she was pursuing him I suppose. That is what initially made me feel that something wasn't right with the whole situation.

I asked my DH why this girl would text message him after an accusation like this. He had no explanation, just an 'I don't know'.

The next morning I was paying some of our bills when I noticed that his cell phone bill was twice the normal amount. I started to go through it to find out what was going on. It happened that one number kept popping up for anywhere from 10- 60 minutes at a time. I then noticed that he had called this number each time after he had talked with me, and that each time that he talked to whomever belonged to that number was when he was out of town staying on an overnight (completely normal for his company). I called the number and it went to voicemail for someone named Jaime. I confronted him, he denied knowing a Jaime or even having dialed that number, I pressed on because that number didn't just hop on his cell phone bill. He went so far as to accuse the cell phone company of putting that number on the bill LOL and <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" />

He threatened suicide because I wouldn't believe him. I told him to do what he needed to do. Probably not the best thing I could have said, but at this point I was fed up with the lies. He kept denying everything and again threatened suicide because I wouldn't believe him. He took bullets and his only gun with him and left. He called one of his friends and asked him where a good place would be to kill himself.
This friend, J, called the police, the police came out and took a statement, and as they were leaving DH came back home (as I knew he would). DH ended up being committed to a crisis center because of his threats. He was kept for 36 hours. He called me every couple of hours and kept hammering away about me trusting him and believing him, and that he had been nothing but loyal to me blah, blah, blah. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" />

The day he got out he kept up the whole charade of being innocent, going so far as to call the cell company and tell them that he was canceling service because they had put numbers on his bill that he hadn't dialed LOL.

That night he finally admitted that he had been talking to this girl that had accused him of sexual harassment. They had been talking for 2 months, and that he had stopped talking to her a week prior to the write-up. The number that was on the cell phone bill was her old cell number(I confirmed).

He maintains that they did nothing but talk. Of course I realize now that I can't believe him on that when he kept up the lie that he had even dialed the number. At this point I am not pressing the issue on exactly what their conversations consisted of, for many reasons, but mostly because I don't know how much more I can deal with right now. I guess my question is, does this constitute as an affair?

I know that there are several issues here, but I'm mainly interested in what others are willing to use the label of affair on. I'm open to any questions.

I think I've explained everything accurately. As an aside we've been married for 5 1/2 years and have 3 DC.

Welcome purplesky,

First thing is why does she have his cell # to text message him in the first place?
Not all affairs are physical. On this board you will see a lot of EA's (emotional affairs)also.
I can't speak for everyone here but I believe that anytime someone is talking to someone of the opposite sex and keeping it from their spouse, it would be considered as somewhat of an emotional affair.
My husband had one physical/emotional affair with one woman. He has, however gone out to lunch with several other women that he goes to regular jobs for. He installs and maintains phone systems and checks in with certain customers almost weekly. Most of these women he has known for years. He referred to them as his "girlfriends", just as I would have girlfriends. They call each other an chat on their cell phones all the time. The only part that is strange about this is that I don't know any of these women, nor have they ever been mentioned to me. He's chatted with him when I am not around. Now that I know about the physical affair he is no longer calling these other women either that I know of. He spends his time in the house with us and not outside tinkering around, so I don't think he's calling them anyway.
I don't want to make you upset but if they have told one lie, there are probably several others in line as well. Best of luck in your situation and I hope you get different perspectives on this as well.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by suzychapstick:
<strong> Welcome purplesky,

First thing is why does she have his cell # to text message him in the first place?
</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">She has his cell # because it's on business cards that he is required to give each store. I asked him who called whom first, and he said she called him. I don't know what to believe with that.

As far as the EA goes, at first I wanted to label it as such because he was seeking some sort of relationship with another woman. It just hasn't been that cut and dry for some reason. I guess I could give it that label if I pushed to find the full extent of their conversations, but I'm not at a point where I feel I'm stable enough to hear the truth, and that's assuming I would get it.
None of this would have been an issue if it wouldn't have been hidden from me.

Edited for spelling

<small>[ January 10, 2005, 09:42 PM: Message edited by: purplesky ]</small>

This is what I would do, but I am the kind of person that wants every piece of information I can get my hands on. Not knowing is worse for me than any truth, no matter how horrid. If this were my H, I would request a copy of the sexual harassment complaint she filed against your H with his company. Don't believe your H if he tells you nothing was put in writing. You can bet they have a written statement from her and/or a summary of what she alleged as her complaint written by whomever took her complaint against your H. You will get quiet a bit of information from that I am quiet sure (plus her name, age, place of employment, marital status, etc...). Now, you may not be prepared for what you will find, but I'm just throwing that out there in case you really want to go fishing. -SNS

I've seen the sexual harassment write-up. She claimed that he tickled her and it made her uncomfortable.

I know where she works, age, etc. I have absolutely no intentions of contacting her. She's part of the problem, but she wouldn't have been if my DH wouldn't have let her be.

The more I think about it the more I think I need to know the extent of the relationship. My imagination could be far worse than actuality. Of course, then I'm faced with whether or not I believe he's telling the truth.

"Not knowing is worse for me than any truth, no matter how horrid."
I agree with this statement 110%. I would try and talk to my spouse about his relationship w/ ow and tell him that no matter how bad it is honesty is very important to you. Let him know that in order to help build a better marriage where you both are satisfied and feel safe you need to be honest w/ one another about the good and the bad. ALso let him know that by lying or continuing to lie it wont change the facts and will only make it harder to deal with when the truth comes out and IT ALWAYS DOeS. But in answer to your question I think your husband probably did have some form of affair.

Here's my take on the situation. Your H and OW were having some sort of relationship - emotional or physical does it really matter? Maybe he tried to cut it off or did something she didn't like and her reaction was the sexual harrassment charge. It sounds trumped up to me. No one would text message a person who they were accusing of sexual harrassment.

I agree that it is hard to know what to believe when your H is lying. I don't believe much of anything from my WH anymore. Why should I? He's not proven himself to be trustworthy.

Be strong.

It doesn't really matter what sort of relationship they've had. The point is that they did have one. Right now I feel like I deserve nothing but the truth. I don't think I can stay in this. I thought I could, but I am doubting everything right now. I have an appointment in the morning with a lawyer to talk over my options and basically for me to be forced into making a decision either way. There is no answer that will make anything about this situation easier. It hurts beyond belief to not be able to trust the one person you promised yourself to.