My husband knows about my affair. I am serious about committing myself to my marriage. He wakes me up at 2am or 3am everynight asking me questions like "what positions were you in". I get angry about woken up. I keep telling him that he's already asked these questions and heard the answers and now we need to focus on moving forward. I am now feeling abused and don't know what to do about it. any thoughts?

"Abused"!!! How long has it been since he found out? Are you helping him cope? Are you helping yourself? Have you been to MC or IC? Could you please share a little more details, it'll be a little easier to respond.

I think you should tell him what he wants to know and be sympathy while your telling him. I wouldn't leave anything to his imagination. Getting it all will allow you to move forward. Tell him you want to talk about it, just not at 3am in the morning. Maybe at a time when your heads are clear. Do you have reasons why you had the affair? Not saying it was right but people do have reasons why they choose to have affairs.

Suzi

been in your position of having an affair.

Could you give some more detail so we can help you some more?

When ?
how long, ?
when did H find out & how ?
What have YOU done since he found?

as much detail as you feel ok telling us.

This will enable the people here to have some grasp of your situation and how it may be apparoached.
The worst we can do is make assumptions and give you bad advice right now.

In the meantime you could read the articles above where HArley desribes affairs & letters from clients seeking some help. It will give you some insight to the process of the affair acknowledgement, feelings of the betrayed spouse and things you need to consider to save your M.

Its not hopeless and much of what your H asks over and over is VERY normal, but there are things you and he can do to help the process along, though it won't be any quick fix ..... <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

he found out right before Thanksgiving. He knows EVERYTHING that I can remember. I have held nothing back. He just keeps asking the same things over and over again. I do suggest not waking me up. he says I can't sleep and have questions. The questions aren't new they are the same.

As a BS, I can only tell you that he's only had 6 weeks to process information you have held for much longer.

I can tell you that if a question is asked ever so slightly differently than the last time, a WS can give an ever so slightly different answer.

The impact of finding out your spouse has forsaken all you believed you had as a couple, whether the marriage was a good one, or not, is devastating. It has been compared to the second worst thing in life, next to losing a child.

If the BS seems melodramatic, it's because the world as he knew it no longer exists. It takes a lot of time, patience, understanding to help a BS through the experience. A WS who is not a willing enabler of this process, is seen by the BS as unremorseful and uncaring.

I agree with the other poster. Agree to answer all the questions as many times as it takes for the BS to process the information. In fact, be the one to bring it up from time to time, at a time you are both rested and relaxed.

I would also recommend you 2 seek marriage counseling, as this is a time professional help could make a world of difference.

Best wishes,
SD

Suzi,

Something that I did when I was in the "need to know" stage was to make an affair timeline. I had to do it to keep my sanity. I could not keep all of his affairs straight no matter how hard I tried. However, one advantage that came out of it was that I was able to reference the timeline for some of my questions that I tended to ask over and over.

However, you need to continue to answer those questions until he is sick of asking them. You'll only hurt your marriage recovery by not being willing to answer. Any WS who is unwilling to answer a question (even over and over again) seems suspicious. Rather than getting angry with him for waking you up, ask if he could try to ask them before you go to sleep or at some other time that is prearranged by the two of you.

I will tell you that night time is the worst time for the BS. There they are, bombarded with thoughts of the affair and they have no distractions to get their mind off of it. It's horrible. I cried myself to sleep almost every night for a year. My H held me and still does every single night.

One thing that can help a lot is very frequent sex. If you are having good and frequent sex it raises the good chemicals in your brain and also makes it MUCH easier to fall asleep. I needed sex almost every night for months after D-day.

Hope things get better. Think about all of the trouble you went through to make time for the OM and maybe that will help you to see from your H's point of view that waking you up isn't really asking too much. I know that sounds cold, but you just turned his world upside down and now you are annoyed with the mess.

Stillwed

Suz,

Let me begin by saying I have been counseling couples for almost 29 years now and yes your marriage can survive and actually thrive and become much much better. However, it will take time and a lot of commitment and hard work on both your parts. You should be completely open with your husband. You need to understand that your husbands life as he knows has been shattered. You both need to be in counseling. Read alot of other posts here because it’s very good information. . I agree with you that your husband should not be waking you up at 2am. You both should set a time, maybe every other day for an hour to talk about it. The rest of the time should be a safe zone time. I would like to help you more but I need to understand more details about the A. Can you share more details?

How long was it?
Was it multiple partners or one partner?
How frequent was the sex…how many times were you with the OM?
How frequent was the communications?
Was it a one nightstand or were your emotionally connected and loved the OM?

I usually just read posts, but I would like to help. Please provide the detail

Dr. waters

Suz,

I really would like to provide more insight and advise to you, but just like others said in their posts to you, we all need know more details about your A to help.

How long was it?
Was it multiple partners or one partner?
Are you still in contact with the OM?
Have you sent a no contact letter to the OM?
How frequent was the sex…how many times?...once?
How frequent was the communications..if any?
Was it a one nightstand, or were your emotionally connected and in love with the OM?
How did your H find out?
What have YOU done since he found out?

If you are uncomfortable, or don't want to elaborate I understand. But if you can share more details, we all can be more helpful.

Just remember "Rekindled love is so sweet and so meant to be."

dr. waters

Dr. Waters,

Welcome to MB! I hope that Suzi comes back and answers your questions so that you can offer her some help.

Do you read over on the "in recovery" board too? And, if it's okay to ask, are you male or female? (Your name definitely could go either way!) Have you been affected by infidelity in your own life? Are you married? If you don't care to give out that information then I certainly would understand.

Again, welcome!

Stillwed

<small>[ January 14, 2005, 02:31 PM: Message edited by: stillwed ]</small>

I have only known about my H's A for a short time and I too have all the questions in my head that your H does. Answer all of his questions, but answer them with kindness. Too much information can be hurtful such as what the OM screamed out during sex.

I also went through the sleepless nights your H is going through. It made me angry that my H could sleep while so much was going through my head.

Reassure your H how much you love him and why you want to work it out. Do you feel your A was a mistake and if so, let him know your thoughts about that.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by dr.waters:
Suz,

I really would like to provide more insight and advise to you, but just like others said in their posts to you, we all need know more details about your A to help.

How long was it?
Was it multiple partners or one partner?
Are you still in contact with the OM?
Have you sent a no contact letter to the OM?
How frequent was the sex…how many times?...once?
How frequent was the communications..if any?
Was it a one nightstand, or were your emotionally connected and in love with the OM?
How did your H find out?
What have YOU done since he found out?

If you are uncomfortable, or don't want to elaborate I understand. But if you can share more details, we all can be more helpful.

Just remember "Rekindled love is so sweet and so meant to be."

dr. waters</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Dear Dr.

The questions you asked Suz makes me wonder if YOU might be her husband !

Are you?

Pep

I am a woman and like I said before I usually just read posts. I’m in the process of writing my 3rd book on why affairs occur and I took an interest to Suz’s post…

my A was in the summer times for 4 summers back home where I grew up. My H knows everything and will repeatedly ask the same things over and over again. It escalates and then my children hear him calling me every name in the book. I am giving up...my children do not deserve to listen to this. There has been no more contact with the OM. NONE. I can answer questions...but his are impossible. What was being said while have sex? You called him once at midnight...what did you say?
Like I said before. I don't think there is any hope. We've seen a counselor...he says she's full of ****. We've seen a pyschatrist...he says she's full of ****. He's taking no ones advice other than the ones that keep being posted on here about me answering his questions. His questions are impossible. How can I remember what a conversation was like at midnight 2 summers ago. How can I answer who took whose pants off first. The act happened....what possible benefit is it to ask this? seriously? I want to leave but he will not let me take my children and if i leave alone he will say i deserted them.

any advice?

Thank you for the sharing more information. What your husband is doing with all the questions is very very normal. When your husband discovered the affair, his world suddenly was turned upside down. In order for him to recover and regain any sense of balance, he needs to get more information and understanding of the situation. If he wants the details, then he deserves to have the details and his questions answered. For most people, the "not knowing" is the worst, because the imagination fills in the blanks and the wondering never stops. Set up a time (30 minutes a day) to talk to him and answer his questions…if some questions are the same… so be it...just answer them truthfully and sincerely… it’s a healing process for him and for you…
The biggest question going forward is are you still in love with your husband? Do you really still love him. You said you have not had contact with the OM…4 summers is a long time….you might be going through withdrawal…what are your feeling on that? Have you pinpointed any reasons for the affair that you might be able to tell your husband? It sounds like from his questions he trying to understand. How much in your mind did your husband’s role play a part? I know when couple raises children, they may feel exhausted, and are less willing to give to each other, support each other and listen to each other with deep caring. So when somebody, an outsider, comes along who shows an interest….that’s how most affairs start… it’s the newness that attracts people to affairs, it’s the fresh feeling of romance -- someone has come along who will support and understand you and give you the excitement you have been missing…By no means I’m a condoning what you did…but most of the time that’s how affairs start…you might have had reasons for the affair, but the choice to have an affair was all yours… If you still love your husband there is still hope…you need to listen and understand and take responsibility that you were the cause of his pain…so you are responsible for helping him through this and helping him understand…stay in counseling
Here's are things I've learned from my practice.

A marriage will NEVER be successfully rebuilt if the you do not determine why you cheated. The road that led you to cheating must be recognized and dealt with so it will never happen again. Tell your husband this was not entirely his fault..if you blame your husband for everything you are only in DENIAL. You were responsible for your own actions. A marriage will NEVER be successfully rebuilt if the you are not sincerely remorseful for your actions. ACTIONS SPEAK LOUDER THAN WORDS. A marriage will NEVER be successfully rebuilt until a OM is knocked off that fence. And, the ONLY way to knock the OM ff is to 100% completely is have NO CONTACT with the OM. Also, I believe that if any marriage is in trouble that it can't be fixed without help…that’s why I said stay in counseling…whether it be a counselor, a pastor,or a neutral family friend. Suz, your husband should not be yelling in front of the kids, and he should not be waking you up in the middle of the night…but please remember you were the cause of his pain…you need to calmly talk through these issues

suzi

Two books that will help you understand the dynamics of an affair, the damage it does, not only to you, but also to your Betrayed Spouse, are "Surviving an Affair" by Dr. Willard Harley, and "After an Affair" by Michael Spring.

Both books cover many points that you may not have considered. Why was your marriage vulnerable? What could have been done differently? What can be done to help recovery? What can make your marriage stronger, and therefore more resistant to being affected by an A.

Both books would help you understand why you sought "love" outside your marriage. Both books will give you insight into the feelings your Betrayed Spouse is having. Both books are relatively easy reads, and you MAY be able to convince your BS to read them with your.

Posting here will be helpful for you, but it doesn't sound like your BS would be inclined to participate in these forums. It may well be in his anger and his pain, he may be seeking ways to "punish" you further for your actions.

You actions now can and will be instrumental in beginning the recovery process. IMHO, the advice above referring you to Professional Counseling was exactly on the mark. This is too big for you to "heal" on your own. Seek counseling that you are extremely confident with. If one is not good, move on. Seek counselors that are pro-marriage, preferrable familiar with MB philosophies.

Lastly, you must believe that you can work through this. It will not be easy. It will require that YOU do the Heavy Lifting, until you can convince your BS by your ACTIONS there is reason to have the faith the marriage can heal. You will need a great deal of inner strength to survive this. It would be a world of help to you if you are faith based, and can rely on your God to help you through this. Regardless, your journey will require time, patience and loving care.

Best wishes,
SD