Hi everyone, I am in shock right now. This morning, I found a love letter to my H written by another woman. She said that he now truly knows what it is like to love someone 100% and that she loves him and she can't wait until Christmas 2005. I am crushed. We have been together for 15 years, and married for almost 13. We have twin 8 year old daughters. We have been having problems for a while with neglect on both sides but according to him mainly on mine. We have been on the outs so to speak since May 2004 and been working on trying to fix things ever since. I have baan doing plan A as much as possible since about October, and things were starting to get better, not great, but better, progress. Anyways, I had this feeling in my gut that something just wasn't right, so this morning he needed to drive my vehicle, so when I drove his, I snooped, fully not expecting to find anything, but guess what, I did. It was hidden with a present that she got him for Christmas. When we were just working on our marriage, he refused to go to counseling, refused to do any questionaires, etc., but now, I told him that we will go to counseling,, and he is not calling the shots anymore. I asked hime how he could do this to me and the kids, and he said that he told me that he has not been happy because of how I treated him. I told him, how dare you blame me for your affair. You OWN that 100%! Nothing I did or didn't do holds a candle to you having an affair. Anyways, we have an appointment this evening at 9:00 with my counselor. I just can't get the betrayal out of my head. I can't get past the note. To me it sounds like this is to far gone, but he said that he wants to save his marriage, but why? For us? For the kids? I don't deserve this. Neither do our kids. How do you deal with this?

Cheri <img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" />

Hi Cheri,

I am so sorry for what you are going through. Since your H wants to work on the M I would continue with plan A. Some others here can give you good plan A advice. Go buy or check out from the library Surviving an Affair. Best of luck with your MC session.

Cheri,

Sorry to hear your devestating news. I am glad that you know you are not to blame...so don't let him. Blame is just a way of justifying what they are doing. You are not to blame.

My husband refused counseling and help until I discovered his A. Then it all changed. Once he was caught and the realization set in that this was really about to be the end of me and our family, he agreed to everything. He started shaping up.

I don't know if you are a Christian lady or not, but I do know God will see you through if you ask him. I am just seeing the light at the end of the tunnel after my discovery 11/30 with much prayer and God's words.

Please feel free to share more.

My heart goes out to you. I know how you're feeling right now. I do think there is much hope for you and your H to recover and save your M. If you've been reading at this site, then you know about the fog-babble that comes from the mouths of the wayward. Obviously, he told his OW he needed time to ease his way out of the marriage slowly, blah, blah, blah... for the sake of the kids, blah, blah ,blah... and if she would just be patient and stay with him, blah, blah, blah, then by next Christmas, they would be together, blah, blah, blah....

All of that fog tends to clear after a D-Day and the fantasy of a divorce is shattered by the reality of one along with the reality of losing their wife, their family, their status, their assets, their standing in the community, the love and respect of their children and extended family, etc... etc... etc... The A and the OW don't look quiet as inviting in the clear light of day once the fog lifts!

Is the OW married? Engaged? Involved? If so, you should expose the A to her significant other. These next few days and weeks will be awful, but atleast you have this site and the wonderful people here to help you through it. I wish you strength! Take care of yourself! -SNS

I have so many questions. Last night at our appointment, my H said everything that I wanted to hear. He said that the affair had already ended about 1-2 weeks ago and that it was not physical at all, that it was an emotional connection only. He said that they did not kiss, or anything like that. The thing is, she said that she love him and she can't wait for next Christmas. Am I only getting half of the story still? Why lie now? I think it is all a little coincidental that it just ended. Also, I have all my friends and some family telling me his is lying and not to believe him. They say that I should work on my marriage and try to save it, but not to believe him. It makes me feel like I am being foolish to even think about believing him which I partly do. Am I an idiot? He said the A lasted about 2-3 months and that he ended it because he had something to hold us up against and said that he had everything he wanted at home including a wife that loves him, his kids and everything else and that maybe he just needed to have something to hold it up against. Does this all sound to good to be true? Help!!!!!!

Cheri
<img border="0" title="" alt="[Confused]" src="images/icons/confused.gif" />

My husband did the same thing...only admitted to an emotional affair. He thought if I found out everything it would 1) be too devestating for me and he didn't want to hurt me like that 2) I would leave him and he wanted his marriage.

I think it is possible that your husband is lying. Go with your gut. If he is, just know that the truth will come out at some point.

When my husband admitted to the emotional affair, I had a good friend whose husband had cheated numerous times tell me "You are probably only getting the tip of the iceberg." That's what happened with her and that is what happened with me.

My husband was still too secretive and evasive and I new there was more to find out. I called the OW who I knew and she told me everything. So you may only be getting the tip.

Here is my question for you to think about. If you are getting the tip what would need to happen if you got it all? Would you need to move out of state? Would he need to get a new job? Or is it absolutely over? Start thinking about these things.

Good luck! I will pray.

Nary,

I am sorry for your pain. You will get a lot of good advice here.

My two cents is this: your H needs to committ to no contact with the OW. He needs to send her an NC letter, to make it CLEAR that contact is over.

Also, if this woman is married, try to contact her husband. Exposure is a powerful weapon.