Discovered MB 3wks ago. Started plan A. Yesterday H came over to see our girls and asked to stay. H wants to work on things. Yeah!! Now the panic comes... are we going to be able to recover emotionally and financially?<P>Question: Should H move back in right away? <BR>He says he's not ready to bring his stuff back right now. He tends to make impulsive decisions (I agree), so he wants to "do this right." He's thinking about staying in his apt one more month. I must admit I'm not in a hurry either. I think we both want to see how the other person treats us as we start to plan our recovery.<P>Question: How do I know if he's really not involved with any OP as we get back together?<P>He insists that he hasn't had an affair, but concedes that there's more than one way to define an affair. H has a problem with honesty. A REAL problem. I'm scared that he will continue as he did before. I want to prepare myself for this reconciliation by hiring a PI and bugging the phone. I'm thinking that this might cause a problem later because I would definitely disclose this eventually to H. But I don't think it makes any sense for me to blindly trust...<P>I'm preparing myself for the possibility that H will change his mind, maybe even a couple of more times, about this. He also seems to be wondering if it's possible to feel "in love" with me for more than the next few days. He's very intimate, enjoys being close to me, but there seems to be something missing for both of us. Like we have to work a little bit at it.<P>I'm going to buy a couple of Dr. Harley books (any suggestions?), and ask my H to fill out the questionaires with me. Wish me luck!

Lizbeth:<P>I'd also encourage you to call Steve Harley and get an appointment. He'll be able to help you structure a plan for reconciliation that will (hopefully) avoid some of the obvious pitfalls.

Lizabeth, this stuff does work! It has made so much difference in my marriage, I can't hardly believe it.<P>I have decided to live a life of plan A. The rewards are worth it.<P>God bless.

Its' tough to be in close quarters during recovery.If that is what you want, get him back into the home now. The sooner he is there, the sooner the recovery. Right now he may be waffling between the two of you and having him home will have that waffling going in your direction...

K, I'm planning on talking to Steve Harley, definitely! I had my first appt with him last week.<P>fighter, I'm totally afraid that he may be stalling for that reason. I'm going to discuss with him tonight my expectations about him ending any "entanglements." I'm afraid that he may be uninvolved NOW, but I think he gets involved in different ways (internet, emotional, etc.) very easily. I'm hoping to address this as we take our steps toward complete recovery.

Those options will be always available to him and it will be up to him to close them. A sucessful recovery depends upon it. For now there is little you can do to control this out of control situsation. Even tho you really want to. Concentraite on you for now and try not to make any demands and don't make any promises.

Lizbeth:<P>I'm so happy for you but I do agree that you should get him back in the house asap. How are you supposed to work on your marriage if you aren't living together.<P>My H attempted a reconciliation with me about 4 mos after he left. We both agreed that it would be best if he didn't move back home right away--we should ease into it. I think that was the biggest mistake that I made. After 3 weeks of trying to work things out and therapy, he got involved with OW again. H started to get distant again so I suspected something was up. I found out by going past his apt one day and discovered her car there. I feel that if he moved back home, she wouldn't have the opportunity to visit him at his place. I know he was very confused at that time and probably was in withdrawel even though he never has admitted to the affair.<P>So please learn from my mistake. GET HIM HOME!!! Maybe with some therapy he will finally admit to the affair and the two of you could start fresh.<P>Don't hire a PI or have your phone tapped. It will be a huge mistake and may make him run if he finds out. Just trust your gut instincts--they usually steer you in the right direction.<P>Good luck and know that I am praying for you! <P> <P>

Thanks for the info, everyone!<P>EEeek! Even my H's therapist told him today that he should take this very slow! I don't know what he talks to her about, but I didn't think he really ever told her about his behavior, mostly feelings. HE says he wants to come back NOW. I think I'm going to push for ASAP. Should he move back into the guest room or our room?<P>I made it undeniably clear that he has to end anything that may still be going on right now. No contact with other women that I don't know about, and no contact with other women beyond work. He agreed. (We'll see) He insists now that this is all in my head and he's never had an affair. I gave him a copy of the book Surviving an Affair so he could read the parts about marital recovery. He actually took it and I caught him reading the section about one night stands in his car while he waited for me to give him some diapers. This struck me because I've been wondering if he has some kind of sexual addiction (call me paranoid).<P>He says he never thought he could feel "in love" with me again. He wants us to be best friends. I feel like shaking him and saying "that's what I'VE been saying!"

yunno, i have found that the more my H is away, the LESS i want to work it out (he's been on a business trip this week, and i'm practically calling lawyers...)<BR>If your H wants to come back home now, let him. Ride the wave, I say.

Lizabeth,<P>I've been doing some thinking about this. <P>I think husband should move back in now, I don't care what the therapist says. Mosts therapists only have a 23% success rate at helping marriages recover after infidelity. Harley's have somewhere around 90%. <P>I think husband should move back in, because it helps him become accountable. It makes contact with OW harder - and keeps him more focused. <P>The downside of this is YOU. It is possible that the lying will start again, and it will feel for you worse than before. Withdrawal is much harder for both of you, and the pain is deeper than ever. To betrayed once is one thing, but to be betrayed over and over and over again is really really hard. You need to have support through this, you need to be prepared for the worse. Lor would be your best contact there. I think a faith in God and profound prayer will get you through this. <P>It is your decision, but beware - you are in for the rollercoaster of your life. It is all up to YOU. Your decision to make it through this period. How much do you want your marriage to work?<P>There will be a short honeymoon period, but the down is really down low.... So be prepared!!!! You can do this, if you want!

After seeing four of them, I have become very disillusioned with therapists. One book I read strongly recommended not having individual therapists, because it is hard enough finding one good one, much less two. I think our first therapist did a great deal of harm by pushing my H to "clarify" his feelings.

lWb, thanks sista!<P>tnt, where did you get those stats?? I want to show them to my H. I'm prepared mentally for the fact that he'll probably start lying again, but I don't know if I can really be prepared emotionally. It's discouraging that the prevailing perspective among the people we know is not to rush back into being married because we'll probably change our minds. If we aren't living together it's too easy to stop trying.<P>Nellie1, what do you mean by "clarify" his feelings? It never occured to me that it could be a bad thing to do that. I am concerned that his therapist is hurting the situation. I'm going in with him to see his therapist next week, hopefully I can address some of these issues with her.<P>fighter, good advice not to make any demands. I don't think I am(?). I'm trying to be aware of that.<P>I sent H an email telling him I want him to think about moving back in sooner, and he got scared! In the meantime, my strategy is to have him come over as much as possible. Tonight he went out with his roommates (single guys), so I've asked him to stay here for the night after he's done socializing. He's flattered that I want to see him. Sound like a good plan?<P>Does it make sense to wait to have my H move back until we've both agreed to the Policy of Joint Agreement and the plan for marital recovery as outlined in Dr. Harley's book? Or should I just get him back in the house ASAP?<BR>THANKS everyone for answering my repeat questions. I guess right now I need lots of encouragement.<P>Lizbeth<p>[This message has been edited by Lizbeth (edited August 26, 1999).]

Lizabeth, I read it on this site - all the questions and answers - basic concepts, somewhere in there. I read the entire site before I started posting. It's in there somewhere.<P>

Lizbeth,<BR>Apparently the therapist wanted him to decide right then and there whether he wanted to work on the marriage or divorce, and he chose the latter. At the first joint session, he agreed to go to a pro-marriage therapist and said that he couldn't be 100% sure he wasn't going to change his mind about wanting a divorce, but after she pushed him on it he backed off. Within a few weeks he claimed that he had "mispoken" and was no longer willing to see the pro-marriage therapist.

Lizbeth, my H wanted to come home twice the first time he didn't last a week,,, so the second time I wouldn't let him move right back in in stayed in an apt and after 4 weeks of being on his own the ow wrote him a love letter and off they went again,,,I really think the second time if he had come back home he might have been better able to handle the withdrawl from her a little better. Unfortunately it's her he is living with now, go to court Tues. his wants a divorce. So,,,I say move him back in ASAP. But know the going will be tough

Lizbeth, <BR>Talk to Dr. Harley about how to structure your H moving back in. There needs to be some conditions, I believe in order for you to feel comfortable. Dr. H willhave a plan...<P>------------------<BR>Susan

Trustntruth,<BR>What do you mean "There will be a short honeymoon period, but the down is really down low...." ? My h just moved back in after being gone almost 6 mos. I know what you mean about the honeymoon and know that this intensity can't last but should I expect a low?<P>I didn't see any 'story' on you. How long were you married then separated? How long has it been?<P>Lizbeth, I'm with you girl! We seem to be on the same timeline. I say go for it. So far I haven't regretted my h coming home (just this past Monday). Keep in mind that everyone's situation is different. Be careful. You have to see if people's replies pertain to your particular situation. Their suggestions may work in many situations but only you know your feelings and what has transpired in your marriage.<P>Trust in the Lord.<BR>Tina

Dear Tina,<P>I've never written our whole story in one place, I'd probably write a book because I'm so detailed.<P>We were separated 4 years ago, when we went on a trip to MN for inlaw's 40th anniversary. When we still hadn't left after 3 weeks, I flew home and left him there. (I had 2 teenagers at home.) Husband's family owned a bar, and he spent a lot of time running around. He just stayed and stayed, and then about 5 months later his daughter called me in CA from Montana, and asked me to go get her. Husband went to get her and brought her home to CA and stayed home.<P>After that I had a spiritual prophecy to keep my wedding rings on, because God would restore the marriage. He also gave me another prophecy about the kind of work he would have me do, and that we would come together back to this place. (We hadn't left our home at this point.)<P>Next year, his sister's and their boyfriends they had found from cheating on their spouses came out to CA, and urged husband to leave me again. He left 2 weeks after that, and stayed. One month after he left, I got in the car and screamed at Satan to get out of our marriage. He called that night, and called me every night after that.<P>About 5 months after he had moved to MN (He bought a house, total 9 yards) - someone came up to me and said they wanted to buy my house. It wasn't for sale. I decided that maybe I should sell it, and move to MN, if that is what God wanted.<P>Short honeymoon period, then reality set in. He made comments about how easy life was single. Stuff like that. Withdrawal from something, he hasn't admitted anything. It's been a rough go the last 3 years until I started on marriage builders last May. Things have improved unbelievably.<P>

In my situation our counselor said we either needed to move full steam ahead on the marriage or divorce--we've already had 5 separations. When my H said he wanted the marriage, I then said that he needed to move home. But he has used our separation for resuming his affair & not being accountable to me while telling me it was for "space" and "time to think". Right. He was thinking while he was having sex with her. He then said he would move home in a few days. I said I didn't think he was actually interested in the marriage if he needed more time to be unaccountable and to date and it would be pointless for him to move home in a couple days. He'd just do more things that would cause me pain.<P>At that point it could have gone either way, but he chose to move home. You'll have to decide what you need to see--if anything. I wanted him to be accountable for his time, spend his recreational time with me, and let me hear him end it with her (we'd already done the letter another time). I didn't get the last one, but he's doing the others.<P>The Policy of Joint Agreement is great...if you can get him to agree to it.

Hi Lizbeth,<P>I just wanted to let you know I've been keeping up with your story and it's great that your hubby is coming back. I agree you should get him back ASAP.<P>I also agree with others on this thread that you should be very wary of him. You've stated before that you thought he might be a pathological liar. And he still doesn't admit he ever had an affair. Sounds like you know this, but be very cautious!<P>You'll also have to be ready for his withdrawal. If he truly stays away from his OW, that damn withdrawal will set in and he may become distant and/or depressed. You've got to ride that out too.<P>good luck!!<BR>--airheart