Hi everyone
I'm new to this so bare with me!
my story may be long so to but you up to date.
about a year ago my H started to be different ( our marriage was normal) he started a night job ( using a computer) and my world as I knew it feel apart. he found someone to talk to and less to me! I couldn't understand after being marriage 21 years there was something I was not doing for him. I would go online I find him talking with this OW and my heart just broke. after numerous discussions with him on this and how wrong it was and how hurtful. he would always say he would stop only for me me find out he's change his name so I would not find him. but i always did! and this would make him so angry! he started treating me real ugly (saying mean things like he had been unhapply for 10 years, we don't talk etc...) but I only felt this was so when she became a part of his life. I tried so hard to make him see that me and kids needed him and loved him and this OW was just a stranger and didn't really know anything about her. but it didn't matter what I'd say he needed her, he had more concern for her and her kids and no compassion for what I might me going through what this was doing to me-his wife-!!!!
I followed their online romance (emmails etc...)
which haunts me to this day what was said between them.I man I thought I knew!
to shorten this the OW decided to end it (she never knew about me knowing it all) and he started needing me again ( I never told him I knew about the emails althogh he knew,I knew about her. well for 2-3 months this were good between us I thought I had my husband back beter than ever! but that little voice talks to me and I did some spyng agian and found out he emailed her asking why she hasn't been online and saying he missed her and asked to talk again.
I am so hurt by this I thought we had our marriage back I quess I was wrong. I quess I will never trust him!
but what does one do? I love him and want this marriage and he loves me and doesn't want me to leave him. but whydoes he need her so much why can't I be enough for him. why can't he talk to me instead of this stranger?

I sooo hurt and feeling lonely, unloved,not needed,
I just needed to talk to someone that might have beenin my shoes

thanks for listening

<small>[ January 12, 2005, 03:20 PM: Message edited by: hurtin_heart_204 ]</small>

Welcome to marriagebuilders. It is a great place to be under the circumstances. Your husband is living in a fantasy world where everything seems perfect. That is why he is so driven to contact the OW.

It could be that you are not meeting his emotional needs, or it could be a character issue, or midlife crisis.

I think you should try to get into counseling with him and figure it out, before he has a full blown physical affair.

Hi Hurt,

So sorry for your pain. There are many people on this site who have been in your shoes and also many who have gone on to save their Ms.

This site is a very good place to find information that will help you, so please read everything you can and order the books: Surviving an Affair, His Needs Her Needs. Also Torn Asunder by Dave Carder is really good.

Also you need to take action. You need a calm head for this, so make sure you look after yourself, take anti-depressants if you need to, otherwise exercise, eat well, sleep well, talk to a sympathetic female friend (not someone who will react and tell you to just dump your H!) or to a counsellor. Its a long process and you need to make sure you look after yourself!

Have you read about Plan A on this site? Its basically common sense, and means that you first take a very good look at your own behaviour. You cut out any behaviour that hurts your H (called LBs by the Harleys) and you start trying to fill his emotional needs, as best you can determine them. Also, you need to talk to your H and tell him what you know, but do it when you know that you can be calm and not express your anger as a LB.

To end this A, you are probably also going to need to start exposing it to others. This means telling other people about it, people who are important to your H, like his family. This is so that it is not a 'fantasy world' anymore - when it is out in the open, its often very difficult for As to continue.

Good luck and keep posting!