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#455836 01/13/05 10:54 AM
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Hello Everyone,

It's been 13 months since I found out about my husband's affair, and I don't feel like I'm any closer to moving on with my life. I cry about 5 days of the week, and in my alone time I'm constantly thinking about the affair, and even considering leaving him.

The affair has stopped and there is no contact with the other woman. Husband thinks that we're "better than ever", however, I feel like I'm a broken person and that our lives and interaction together are indifferent at best.

I have a 13 year old son from a previous relationship, and it's because of him that I haven't moved on. I want to move back to my home province, from which we moved just immediately before I learned of the affair. I found out about the affair through him being careless, and I forced him to confess by bluffing that I spoke to the OW and said that she told me everything. Then he suddenly became honest, or more aptly, cornered.

We've been married for just over 7 years. I *could* go, but I'm afraid my son will have a hard time of it. We live in a city that is a 26 hour drive from home.

Just a few minutes ago I lost it again, crying, screaming, curling up into a ball and shaking. It's been 13 months. I don't have any ray of sunshine right now. Please help.

#455837 01/13/05 02:29 PM
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still_can't_move_on Hello, welcome to MB, I'm sorry you need to be here but since you do I'm glad you came.

If you haven't read it yet here is a link to the general welcome thread for new builders http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/ultimatebb.php?ubb=get_topic;f=29;t=000553

What have you and your H done to work through the problems brought about by the affair ? What are you both doing to find out and repair the problems that you had before the affair ?

What is his attitude about making things safe for you in the marriage ? Many WS just want to pretend the A never happened, that does not work at all.

From your post it doesn't sound like much is happening to rebuild here, that is why I ask so many questions. Your marriage can get better, I promise you it can mine did and since mine did I know anyone's can, but you both have to do the work for that to happen. Please read the thread I linked to above, check out the articals in it, and if possible try to set up some phone time with Steve Harley or one of the counselors in his offices. Since it has been so long since discovery of the affair I believe your marriage could benifit from some counceling.

#455838 01/13/05 02:30 PM
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hi
oh please stop crying! I know to well how it feels! I wasted a whole year crying. I withdrew from my children, family and friends. I didnt want any to see me and I sure didn't want to see any one. but it didn't help. life goes on and I wasn't the one doing wrong!

its been about 13 mos for me to. My H had (has) an online affair. sometimes I wish it as a physical one because I think an affair of the heart(emotional one) is far worst.
he denied it all said he was not doing anything wrong that i was not an affair. cause he never met her and ws not planning on meeting her. just talking he would say. but that talking took him away from me thekids and everything else. plus the whole time blaming me for everything. when SHE was bought up he would actually defend HER! said she was going through a rough time.(well waht about me! henever saw my pain) she was to far up his ___!!
he would chat with her at his night job and I would go on also and watch them.. they would stay on for hours and I think and cry what culd they be talking about he never talks to me like that!!!
yea it hurts! its a pain far more than I ever experience! and I'd never would wish it on any one(not even him) and yes although they don't talk as often or their relatinship is not as strong I still can't forget it still hurts like the day I found out! and now like you H he knows his place is with me and he thinks our marraige is better for it. but like you I can't get past it. the things I read keeps haunting me over and over.. I look at him sometimes when he sleeps and I still cna't beleive the things he told her.
and I quess I never will.

but take it from me please stop crying! it will just make you sick and then what.
I know I lost 15 lbs and the stress has cause my period to be messed I forgot all what I use to do and my children lost a part of their mom.

it will be alright. don't take it day by day you HAVE to take it minute by minute.

cause although my H (THINKS) he has returned to me I know he still misses her and thinks about her. and now I doubt everything he says and does and that is a bad feeling.

but I know with time and if it is in the Good Lord"s Plan for me it will be ok. if not we have to pick our selves up

try please

I am here ...we are all here if you need us!!

you can email me luv4himnthem@yahoo.com

take care <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

#455839 01/14/05 10:46 AM
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Hi Deb, Thanks so much for all the advice.

My H and I had one counseling session together last year at around this time. It was way too painful for both of us. As soon as he started telling the counselor what happened, I started crying, and then he started crying, and then he didn't want to talk more because he knew how much it was hurting me.

Lots did come out that day, and we cried A LOT, but that was the end of it. I've gotten some personal counseling, as did he, but nothing else jointly. I know he's hurting too, feelings of guilt etc., and I know that everytime I go through a little breakdown like what's been happening these past few weeks, he has a hard time with it. This time now, he doesn't know what I'm going through because he's away at work all day and by the time he gets home I've pulled myself together. I think he knows something's up though.

My main problem is that no matter how honest he's being now, and that he's faithful now.....it's almost like it doesn't matter to me. He cheated, and that's something that I'm not able to move beyond. And I don't know if all the counseling in the world could change that. He's not the person I thought he was, and in my mind, all the things we'd gone through before D Day are nullified because he was leading a double life and more importantly, was able to carry it on for 18 months (and more) without me even knowing. I can't get that out of my mind.

#455840 01/14/05 10:56 AM
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Hurtin Heart,

Thanks for your post. I'm sorry that you too are going through the same thing.

Do you ever get sick of trying to get through it? That's how I'm feeling. I don't want to "deal with it and move on." I'm still way too angry and hurt and betrayed. I'm bitter, and cynical, and cranky, and sad. The road to happiness right now just seems too far and it'd be easier to just leave. As far as I'm concerned, when he decided to cheat, he gave up any right to having a happy family.

There have been times in the past when he's been mean to my son, (NEVER physically) and has come down way too hard on him for stupid little things. At times like that I feel like it'd be so easy for me to cut the ties and take off.

I think that because it's now been over a year, I should be further along in my recovery, so to speak. But I'm still as hurt and bitter as I was the day it all came crashing down 13 months ago. It makes me think that I'll be like this forever, and if I didn't have to see him everyday to remind me of it all, I'd be able to work toward being a happier person.

I don't know....I hate this feeling.

Thanks again for replying.

#455841 01/14/05 02:59 PM
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Dear still_can't_move_on:

Sounds like Gingersnap could help you with this. She's just been through it but has finally moved on.

...Ginger?

#455842 01/17/05 02:40 AM
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I know how you are feeling. Its been 13 months for me as well and I know that I still haven't fully recovered and often wonder if I will ever fully recover. I don't know how to be a better wife than I was before the A. I very rarely LB'd prior to the A and me and my WH had a fabulous marriage (or so I thought). We rarely fought, we were the best of friends and did everything together. Even WH agrees with this. He says the A was purely an ego thing (mid-life crisis). . though it managed to last four years so it must have been pretty good for him.

I look back on my marriage and try and think what I would change if I had the chance to go back to prior the A and I can't think of a thing that I would change. Life was great prior to the A. The four worst years of our marriage was during the A. . .I didn't know he was having an A because it was conducted during working hours so he was never away during the evening or over the weekends but he changed dramatically while having the A. He became depressed, morose and suicidal and I had no idea why he was feeling like that. I sent him to the doctor who put him on anti-depressants but the morose, depressed behaviour continued. He hardly spoke to me and he was just miserable to live with. During those four years for the first time in all our years together did I contemplate divorce. . and I didn't even know he was having an A. I just thought he had stopped loving me and wanted out of the marriage.

When I finally found out about the A and he broke off all contact with the OW, his whole personality changed back into what he had been prior to the A. The depression lifted, he was no longer morose and says he hasn't once felt like committing suicide since ending the A.

But now its me who feels depressed, morose and miserable and I wonder if I will ever truly get over his A. I am not suicidal, I just don't feel the same way about him anymore. Its been 13 months now and I seem to care less and less about him as the months go by. On the surface things are going great but deep down in my heart I don't feel that same unconditional love for him that I had. Will it ever return.

There was a time when my greatest fear in life was him leaving me. . .now I'm not scared of that anymore, I know I could make it on my own. I constantly think if he can find a better wife or have better sex with someone else (we have great sex) then he must go for it . . .he must just never lie to me again or have an A again. . .I would then be history. He must openly say he wants out of the marriage and I would let him go with my blessings. . .these thoughts frighten me a bit because like I said there was a time when my biggest fear in life was him leaving me.

Does that unconditional love ever come back?

#455843 01/26/05 01:04 AM
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Enid,

Sorry for taking so long to write back. It's been a rough time, and I'm feeling better now, but I find that coming in here and reading is a real trigger for me that can set me back. Today's pretty much the first day that I felt strong enough to check in.

My gosh, your story is so similar to mine, even the 13 month time span since D-Day. I've said to my H that after he told me about the A, his load was lightened and he could start to heal, but mine was just weighed down, and I had a lot of work to do yet.

I don't know if the unconditional love ever comes back. I don't know if the complete trust comes back. The point that I can't get past is the one where I just want the A to go away, and wish that it never happened. It's very difficult to get to the point where I can say, "It happened, I have to deal with it and accept it, and move on."

I told my H that I had been considering moving back to my home town and that really through him for a loop. He accused me of living a lie, and asked me a lot of questions that were hard to answer. Like if I love him (yes), if I'm staying with him for the sake of keeping the family together and not because I *want* to be there (jury's still out on that one).

I still look at him and feel like a giddy school girl with her first crush. I sometimes have so much love for him just bubbling below the surface.....maybe that's why the bad times are *really* bad in my eyes.....because I still love him so much. There are other times where I only have images of the two of them together when I look at him. Not a lot of flowery feelings then.

Sometimes too, he's so distant with me. I'll speak to him and he won't even reply. It's like he's either lost in his own thoughts, or he's not even aware that I'm there.

I'm not the most physically attractive woman. H has lost a huge amt. of weight in the past year, and is looking wonderful, with a new lease on life. I'm still the same, overweight, frumpy, person, although I'm in much better shape than I was a year ago. I think sometimes that it's only going to be a matter of time before he's tempted again, by someone better looking, skinnier, etc. than me, and that'll be it.

He assures me that I'm all he needs, that he's so passionately in love with me. The A happened when he was at his heaviest......it had to do with his low self-esteem and the stroking of his ego. He's not in the same space now.

I'm waiting for the other shoe to fall.

Thanks for letting me ramble.

#455844 01/29/05 10:40 AM
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i am in the same situation, found out for sure 09/18/2003, OW was my best friend of 11yrs, and we lived in a small community, my other "friends knew and even enabled the A. 09/01/2004, we moved to another prov as well, b/c i thought it would be easier to deal with just him and not all my friends that I feel betrayed me as well. It still hurts. WH has never fully admitted about the A, he says it was just one time, but I know from my suspcions* and feedback from some former friends that it was going on for 18mos or so. How does one deal with the betrayal and now the lack of trust., Noone here knows what happened, or why I moved here(just running from part of the problem). Even the slightest mention of that time my WH gets angry, deffensive, and makes me feel guilty. It's the whole sweep it under the rug thing. Most times I want to leave as well, but where and how are big issues., I will not go back home, even for my family b/c they dont like him and have pretty much disowned me for staying with him thus far. That and thats where my "friends" are as well. I still cant bear being near them, they made me feel so outcast, even though I wasn't the one doing anything wrong, besides be stupid for so long. How do you fix a marriage when there's so much denial and hiding ur feelings. Forgive me, Iknow this rant doesn't help you, but just know you're not alone in going through this. Thanks

#455845 01/30/05 01:58 AM
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still_can't_move_on

I guess I'm coming from the other side so to speak but I have learnt some valuable things in the 6 odd months since I told my H.

Counselling, good counselling is almost a must for most couples in this situation.
We have IC & MC and very experienced (& costly but as I was told, how much is a Dv going to cost?)
Crying, screaming etc are all part of this and you have to go through it. I wish you didn't but you will have too.
By not talking & not working through it you cant close your wounds to a point where you both can learn and move on.
I'm no expert by any means, we still are not there but I have hopes.
If the MC you went to is not working for you get another one.
You will never forget, but with some help you can forgive and have a happy M.

There are a few options here like Steve Harley available by clicking on the counselling centre link above, or Penni or another M coach at saveyourmarriagecentral.com to start with. Expensive I'm told but great track records.

Why not give that a try, I do the crying thing too, but you know, it doesn't solve anything and I just feel like dirt & generally worse than before.


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