<BR>Brief history: Married almost 9 years. 3 kids ages 8, 6, and 4. Wife unhappy abour 1.5 years ago was sort of dating someone but stopped it before it went "too far". I found out after she stopped seeing him. We agreed to work things out, try to improve, etc. She kept going out dancing etc. with girlfreinds on girls nights out one night a week. <P>We weren't fighting so I thought we were doing ok. House burned down in meantime and other family crises, etc.<P>Recently became aware of affair with other man (also married) who she works out with daily at her health club. This is a full blown affair with sex and everything. At this point she is also associating with freinds who are in unhappy marriages also and not working on marriage but fetting needs met outside of marriage. (bad advice? bad role models?)<P>Anyway, I am currently following Plan A to the best of my abilities. Good at being loving and supportive, but need to talk about this issue too much when she would rather just have it "go away."<P>At this point I think I can forgive and move on if she were willing to make the commitment and go for it. She however still can't make break with other man. Still goes to gym and tells me they are just friends now. Has phone calls from him (caller id gives her away) etc.<P>She has stopped going out at night because I flat out refused to babysit (in effect) the kids while she goes out with him. I know this is probably a love buster, but I can't live with myself if I were to do otherwise.<P>I realize she is still conflicted and can't decide because her relationship with OM did not die a natural death. <P>How long should I wait for her to be able to recommit?<P>How far should I let her go back into her relationship? Letting her go to meet him, etc. I know if I try to force the issue she will try to deceive me or just plain leave.<P>Part of me wants to confront OM and threaten to tell his wife. This would definitely make him break all contact but would also drive my wife further from any possible reconciliation.<P>As I said, Ithink I can forgive and move on if she commits, but she can't commit and although I don't yell and get angry, I know if she continues to see him I will go crazy, try to stop her, follow them etc. I'm already obsessed with the caller ID, phone bill records, etc. And she know that I "caught " her because I was "spying on her"<P>Anybody with any advice? I read the results of NRW first session with Dr. Harley and am also curious about " the doormat" question because that's what Plan A would be for me.<P><p>[This message has been edited by help me (edited December 28, 1999).]
