Ok, I am now 4 days from D-day and needing to know how to trust. I know it is still early, but how does it happen? My H and I have had some very frank discussions about the affair and about our relationship. One thing we have both said is that we want to save the marriage. I know I do, but how do I really know he feels this way. He had reservations back and forth over the last eight months, so why so sure now? He said that he must have needed to have a gauge if you will to hold us up to to see that he already has what he needs. My problem is now, how do I know if I can trust anything. Here is the situation. They met at lunch by his work and supposedly only for lunches and never went anywhere else. It was an emotional connection that she made him feel good about himself and not judged and that someone actually admired and appreciated him. He says it was nothing more thatn that and that he started feeling guilty about even doing that and did not want a relationship with this person, just liked the attention, so he ended it. He says there was no physical contact. I told him that I want him to call this person while I am in the room to end it for sure and he said that the only way that call can be made is for us to take time off of work and call because he only has her work number and not her cell or home if she has one. I tried to catch him by saying that you told me you would call and if nothing happened outside of work, why do you have her home phone number? He said that I never told you I had her home phone number, and what do you want me to do, call her to ask her for her other phone numbers just so we can call her? He said that he does not want to talk to or see her. My problem is, does it matter how deep the affair was or not? An affair is an affair is an affair, but if there was kissing or anything like that, does it really matter now? Either way he cheated on me. I just want to know that it is definitely over. I don't want to be a fool to myself and to him and to my friends. I don't want to set myself up to get hurt again by trusting someone that doesn't deserve it, but I love my husband still very much and want everything to workout. He is going to MC with me even thought 2 weeks ago he wouldn't even consider it, he is doing things that he wasn't doing before and the communication lines seem to be wide open, but I don't know if I am getting all of it or if it really matters. How do I learn to trust again?

Cheri

nary

you are only 4 days from D day, trust will take a long long long time, maybe years. A lot depends on how your H works at earning it and how YOU will react to triggers and recovery and his actions.

You really should read all about the basics here on teh shortcuts under the MB name at the top og the page, read aboutwhat can happen and seriously consdier two things...

getting a few books as mentioned above - see bookstore for prices and
a good pro M Marriage counsellor or marriage coach to help you both through the rebuilding....you might want to make this a condition of saving the M.

Do lots of reading dont worry about the trust right now, you want trust for ages - i dont fully now - and Dr Harley has stated a number of times that a bit of heathy distrust is not bad in a M if you use it proactively..eg see him getting distant jump on it right away ..might want to talk, vice versa with you.'Anyway thats for later, now concentrate on learning abd getting the tools to rebuild or make new your M
& then ask lots and lots of questions and you'll get loads of help from people here.

Good to vent here as well, scream, whatever too, lots been through the same thing.

So get reading and we'll see you very soon, you are not alone <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Hey Nary92 -

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> Ok, I am now 4 days from D-day and needing to know how to trust. I know it is still early, but how does it happen ? </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Trust happens when your WH starts acting in a trustworthy manner over a consistent period of time (for me, it took over a year).

You shouldn't be expected to trust your H right now... it's great that he is working... but he's going to have to consistently work on the M and be totally honest with you before you can even begin to trust him.

You and your H can rebuild your M... My W and I have done so and it's better than either of us ever dreamed it could be. It's not easy... it doesn't happen overnight... but you can do it...

Semper Fi,
RIF