My wife and I have been married 1 1/2 years and have a 1 year old little girl. I am 31 and my wife is 22.

We recently moved, bought a house, and started new jobs about 1 year ago. We are on opposite schedules and with the baby someone always has to be there. Over the three months my wife has made two new girlfriends. She goes out with them three to four times a week after work sometimes until 2am. She gets off at 9pm.

After the two months, I made it known that I was not happy about the time we do not spend together and she says I am being like her last boyfriend. I have tried to be understanding but I am the Giver in the relationship. I do all housework, and stay home at night with the baby while she goes out to play. It made things worse when I bought a second car for her to drive so we didn't have to wake the baby up to pick her up from work.

I have recently moved to the couch and plan to take the bedroom upstairs. My ring set on the soap dish in the bathroom. I have repeatedly tried to talk with her about how to fix the problem. She doesn't have any answer. I try to explain that I want to go out with her. She is interested in only going with her friends. So, I have seperated our accounts to keep her from spending all of our money on her escapades and clothing. 1/4 of each check.

Lately she has been lying about going out and staying out. Kind of hard to tell since I am stuck at home. We do not have money to seperate and up until our last conversation about "what will be best for the baby" if it doesn't get fixed, she had been very quiet. Now she is being sweet and still doing the same thing. Including her going bowling tonight with her firend, the girls fiancee, and his brother. This sounds like a date and I have said so. She is going anyway.

I miss my wife and love them both but this is getting rediculous. I don't know what this is or what to do?

Hi Left, welcome to MB. I don't have a lot to say except it sounds like your W is very immature. There is a big difference in your ages and at 22 she is quite young. To say you are like her ex-boyfriend really is telling about her emotional maturity in MHO. It does sound like a date to me too. Is there anyway that you can afford to have your W quit working to stay home with the baby so you are both on the same schedule? Can you get a sitter so the two of you can go out together? Sometimes with a new baby the M gets put on the back burner and that is not good for anyone.

Sorry I don't have much advise. It is slow here on the weekends but someone more experienced will be along.

Thanks. Before we moved, we did go out a lot on our own with friends but she used to call to tell me to come home. Now, the only thing she does is plan when she gets to go out next. Besides the fact of asking if its ok, she just does it. Regardsless of what I say.

I told her we needed to find a sitter so we could go out. There was a blank expression at the floor. No, we really can't afford for her not to work, unless she stopped spending money on going out with her firends. SHe doesn't want to do that. We do have a sitter during the day to cover the overlap between her going and my coming from work. So really, I see her after I give her the baby in the morning and don't see her until the next day (as of late).

I guess I have just tried to keep her at home with entertainment and the friends have "greener grass" options. ANd of course they are not dragging around a baby with them.

I just want a nice family. I don't need a lot because I already do the rest. And I dredd the idea of starting over again. I work as a top manager over everyone. I don't need that at my house too.

Hello,

You have been married only 1 1/2 years. Your wife is very immature and simply does not see herself as a married woman. She wishes to continue living the single life and having a husband to take care of things while she goes and parties with friends.
I would suggest contacting an attorney and getting things in order to protect yourself. Your letter indicates that she has no conception of what a marriage is. It will probably be a matter of time until she meets someone else with her partying. Why would you wish to remain married to a very young person who continues to wish to act as a single woman with friends and parties withhout you? Contact an attorney and protect yourself and your child. I wish you luck.

You folks have been talking about this a lot more than I have. I have seen 3 divorces with my parents growing up. I don't want that and I want to believe that she is needs space to see her friends. We really haven't had outside friends, besides co-workers, for about a year. I would have preferred to calm everything down. But like I said you have seen more of this area. Is there no optomistic approach?

For the rest of the world, I can excuse ignorance.

Are there any otehr options? Divorce will take forever in MO.

Let me add to my last comment. If she did want to see friends besides going on this thing that sounds an awful lot like a date, what would be normal for a relationship to stay afloat?

This is, of course, assuming that I work from 8am-5pm and she works 2pm-9pm.

You have a serious problem, but there are alternatives to divorce.
</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> I want to believe that she...needs space to see her friends. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">She needs time with YOU. You only believe that because you never saw a healthy marriage growing up.

You can't have much of a marriage if you don't spend time together. She won't want to spend time with you unless it is fun for her, too. If you hear echoes of the Policy of Joint Agreement in that last statement, that is intentional.

There is nothing wrong with giving, but not when it makes you unhappy. So, stop. YOU get a babysitter, and plan something that you can do together that you both will like.

That depends on what you want. Can I ask what was the urgency to get married to a women who was 20 and you at 29? The only reason why I mention this is because your wife is at an age of experiencing true adulthood. Her priorities are not in any order to be settling down at this time. She might see you as a father figure rather than a husband. It sound like she doesn't want to "play house" anymore.

I understand your sensitivity to divorce. But you need to sit down with her and ask her what she wants. Does she want a husband or does she want someone to take care of her while she goes out and parties? What are her goals? What are your goals? How long did the two of you date before you got married? Think about what you want and ask yourself if you are getting your needs met?

If she is lying a lot, then there is the trust issue. You cannot have a marriage without trust. Have you and your wife tried counseling?
I am not sure having a marriage is such a good idea. Now there is a little one involved and that is scary. Too me your wife seems very immature. Your childs needs must come first. What kind of values is you child going to learn with Mommy going out and parting all the time while Daddy does everything? That sound like a single parent to me???

I agree with Bryanp. Cover yourself!!!!!

Ali~

Have you read through the Basic Concepts Section of this site?

According to Harley, a great marriage requires 15 hours/week of time ALONE together. According to several other authors whose opinions I respect, You can have a pretty darn good one in maybe 5-6 hours a week - 20 minutes per day plus 3-4 hours for a date one day per week. Less than that, and you are asking for a divorce. Working opposite schedule like you do is a VERY common factor in divorce, because it is harder to spend time together.

All right people. THank you for the comments but maybe it will help if there is a little history.

I was running a hotel in Florida, she worked at another hotel, same company. I was a "suit" in charge of 300 people. It was a party city and I was the only single GM, and acted it. She led onto me and I accepted. She did not come from wealth but neither did I, it was better but not extreme. We dated for 6 months under the radar. She "became" pregnant. I prioritized myself. We married and moved up north. Now I run a small hotel with extremely better hours.

I do feel like a father figure. Hers left at birth. I just though it would have worked out, since we had things in common that did not involve partying.

Like I said before, I can ignore the ignorance in the rest of the world. I just have a hard time with accepting my own. And it does feel like she has been getting dressed up to meet other guys and look attractive and play.

When I found the site, I did read a few of the articles and everything pointed that I was correct.

I was just hoping for a miracle that came down from heaven and said "everything will be alright just you wait". Hell, I dropped my life for the pursuit of a simpler one. Now, I am the father, I guess at least I try. And I love my daughter dearly. I just don't want her to have the problems I have. I have tried talking with my wife 5 times including the last one when I hung up my ring and moved to the couch but nothing changes. "I'm going out for coffee" 5 hours later. "I'm going out with Jen". 5 hours later...

Hey left,

I found your story interesting because your wife is acting like my wife before she had her affair. My situation was a little different because she was living overseas. Anyway, she only cared about going out and partying acting like if she was single. What does that tell to OP? This lady is available. Because of her attitude I knew it was just a matter of time for her to find OM and I was right. She did. You need to do something for your marriage. Go to MC and discuss the issues. Find out what is going on. Apply Plan A and the MB principles too. . Remember there is always a reason for things to happen. Maybe your wife is resentful to you because she is young and she is married; specially under the circunstances you married ie. she being pregnant. Want it or not you will have to deal with the issues sooner or later. I suggest you to do it now rather than after her having an affair. Good luck and keep us updated.

<small>[ January 15, 2005, 05:19 PM: Message edited by: janei ]</small>

Purchase and read Surviving an Affair, by Willard Harley.

This book will tell you all about the dynamics of an affair. What is it that happens to leave a marriage vulnerable, meeting each other's needs, spending time together, what to do if your spouse becomes involved, how to confront, how to expose, how to build a marriage more resistant to Affairs.

This should be your first step. In your case, the second step should be "checking in" on this bowling foursome, from a distance, to see who's with who, who'w doing what, and who's going with who. Blind trust will get you blindsided.

Privacy and secrecy have no place an a marriage. Neither does having "space" to be with single friends not common to the marriage. Should you be alarmed right now? Yes, you should.

Start taking a hard look at cell phone bills, reciepts from credit cards, and doing a little snooping around. Careful not to get caught, as that drives their activities deeper underground. Regardless of what you find, no confrontations until you've read SAA, or been counseled by some of the vet's here on the forums.

You have an unenviable journey ahead of you. If your W is not currently involved, it's only a matter of time before she will be, with the path she's on. Take a really hard look at her actions, and don't believe any of her words, because words are cheap and easy to throw around and actions speak for themselves.

Best wishes,
SD

left at home,

So sorry to read your story. From my perspective, you are very limited in what you can do. I agree with purchasing Surviving an Affair. It will give you great insight into what is and has been going on in your life.

Make someone that your wife has respect for, aware of your situation( it is called MB exposure). Immature people seem to always have a friend, relative, or confidant that they keep peripherally in their lives as sort of a mentor. Obviously this person is not someone currently partying with your wife. It may take a little digging but find that person and subtly make them aware of what is going on.

Put your ring back on. Don't give her further excuses to justify her behavior. Get back in the marital bed, it is also used for sleep and is every bit as powerful message as wearing your wedding ring.

This course will require great patience and strength on your part. You can NOT change your wife but you can continue to be a husband and an outstanding father to your child.

One last thing, NEVER...NEVER permit her to continue taking actions that you find improper without being challenged by you in a cool, calm but decisive manner. If she hurts you or the baby's welfare, tell her it is unacceptable immediately. Don't mope and after a week blurt out what has been eating at you. This girl needs a lot of things and your definition of proper behavior should be at the top of the list.

Best of luck, this situation( barring an epiphany on her part) will take a very long time.

Your wife sounds a lot like me in some ways I married a older man and he spolied me rotton gave me all the things I wanted and let me do what I wanted and never put his foot down and never said no, She is acting like a spoled little girl and seeing how far she can push you (like a daughter who is spoled and wants to see how far daddy will go in giving her ,her own way. Put your footdown and talk to her tell her you are her husband and she is your wife and your relationship with her needs to be one of marraige and married people go out with one another not out partying with out there spouses thats how troubel starts.