My biggest question is how long do you wait for him to break it off? I am under the impression he is not trying hard to end it with her. My gut tells me to call her myself and tell her to leave my H alone! Then to call her boyfriend and tell him about their affair. I need to know if this is a wise move or not? Everything is telling me to do it, this is making me NUTS!!! Please someone tell me what I should do?

I keep hearing conflicting things now and maybe this is more then it appears to be. I am so confused you know just when I think it is a tiny bit better something just F's is all up again. I am so grasping at straws. HELP I NEED QUICK ADVISE I am ready to pick up the phone NOW!!! I am that close!

No, try and calm down. Never make decisions like this when you are emotional.

Stop, take deep breaths, relax.

You need to be smart and strategic in this game. Play to win - not to merely lash out.

This is a game - make no mistake. And there are plenty of folks here who know the correct moves. Just read here and learn from others - both from their triumphs and their mistakes.

Man that was fast I can't thank you enough!! What should I do? Is it a waiting game now for me? I sent away for the books they need to get here soon. How do I trust that he will end it? I just told him they know somethings going on at work I am hoping he will do it faster out of embarrassment. It's the not knowing that KILLS ME!! Because I am a very research oriented person I NEED to know things right away! Thank God for my Son, this site & my meds.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by destroyed1/11/05:
<strong> My biggest question is how long do you wait for him to break it off? I am under the impression he is not trying hard to end it with her. My gut tells me to call her myself and tell her to leave my H alone! Then to call her boyfriend and tell him about their affair. I need to know if this is a wise move or not? Everything is telling me to do it, this is making me NUTS!!! Please someone tell me what I should do?

I keep hearing conflicting things now and maybe this is more then it appears to be. I am so confused you know just when I think it is a tiny bit better something just F's is all up again. I am so grasping at straws. HELP I NEED QUICK ADVISE I am ready to pick up the phone NOW!!! I am that close! </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Hey hon,

I may not be the best at giving advice, but here's what you should be considering:

1) He needs to break it off immediately.
2) Tell him this, and at the same time, expose everyone that he is affecting - CALL HER BOYFRIEND, and let him know that you are trying to end this relationship between your WS and his, and you could use his help, because you love your WS (if you do!)
3) Call her and let her know that you really love him and she is causing problems to your relationship. She may laugh that off, but so what - at least you did the right thing.

Here's all I suggest: write out what you want to say, rewrite it so that it is not mean or fight-inducing - simply be logical, kind, and short - and then get off the phone.

And then step back and relax, because your WS will explode and try to make everything your fault. I know - I've been there. It's not your fault, just stay calm, and get completely out of the conversation if it starts to hurt too much - just tell him that it hurts and you can't talk right now - and leave the room. Lock a door if you need to. Do whatever it takes to keep yourself safe. You are doing the right thing. Be strong. We all care for you here, and we are all here for you.

David

Dear D -

I agree with David (David, wow, you are getting good!):

(1) Breathe

(2) Write everything you want to say in a 'script', so you sound calm, rational, and you make sure all the points you want covered get covered.

(3) Breathe

(4) Call OW'sBF first. Don't tell H you're doing this. He will try to stop you. Remember to sound calm. He is a victim, too. He may get angry, deny, just tell him.

(4) Breathe

(5) Call OW. This is controversial. Many will advise against it. I didn't do it, but I wish I had. Here's what I would have said, and it's what I would suggest:

"Hello, XXX. This is YYY. You need to know a few things.
First, I know all about the A.
Second, I am not now, nor will I be in the future, divorcing my H.
Third, I love him and I forgive him.
Fourth, no matter what he's told you, he loves me. We have continued to have a great sex life throughout the entire length of the A (even if this is not true, say it anyway).
Fifth, he has no plans to leave me (even if he has said otherwise). We are working this out. Sixth, I forgive you (even tho' you don't right now, b/c one day you might, and it will, I believe, TOTALLY freak her out), but I expect you to stop any and all contact with my husband. Goodbye."

Then hang up. No discussion, just deliver the message. That is all she deserves.

(6) Breathe

Then...sit back, watch what happens, and...let the chips fall where they may. I predict initially your H will be one POPD (pissed off puppy dog). However, he WILL get over it. And eventually, he will realize you were fighting for your M.

Good luck!
-----------------------------------------
me-50 FWH-44 M-20 yrs DD-19 DS-15 DS-9
A-2/03-5/04 D-Day-5/8/04 WD/Fog-5/04-9/04
NC ltr 9/3/04
In recovery with God's help

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> Call OW. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I wouldn't do this!

The reason is that it will no doubt upset you very much, and you may say or do something that you regret. Also, its unlikely to have an impact on her right now, since she is in her own kind of fog. It might just lead her to believe that you are an unreasonable, clinging, dependent, possessive person or any other negative things she has thought in order to justify to herself that her A is OK.

It is much better to avoid all contact with her!

But exposing to everyone else significant to your H (parents, boss if its a workplace A) is a very good idea. Also, is OW married or does she have a BF? If yes, then call him and tell him. He deserves to know. But make sure you are very calm and can give evidence!

Also, please read about Plan A and start implementing it. This is very important. Its good that you have ordered the books, they have a lot of useful advice too.

But most importantly, try and calm down as best you can and take your time. Make your decisions with a cool head. Do some exercise, see some other friends, talk to a counsellor, do what you need to do for you first.

<small>[ January 18, 2005, 08:59 PM: Message edited by: smur ]</small>

I have copied this from another site called the healing heart.. this is a letter from a women who really wanted to send, yet let us all read it first...This maybe what you need to do

Dear OW

I assume that since my H now shares your bed again that your previous apology has been retracted, as is my forgiveness - for now. Apologies without repentence are meaningless and maniputlative. Meow!

I hope you are happy as your status has now become a full fledged home wrecker. I'm now a single mom with 4 kids - 4 days before Christmas, so the great "daddy" that you fell in love with was willing to toss aside his kids' needs for his own selfishness (not for you, for him - you see even he readily acknowledges that his draw to you is about how you see him, not how he sees you). The next time my 3 year old daughter says "I don't know why daddy doesn't stay here" I'll ring you up and you can explain to her how your needs were way more important than hers.

You made a comment to my H that I will never love him the way you do - and you could not be more right. My love for him recognized that to truly be happy, he needed to do the right thing and for once, step up, take accountability for his own actions, and be the model of character for his kids so they would grow up being proud of him. They needed to see him create happy by being the strong head of the household, an involved father, and the cherishing husband he should have been. That's where his happiness would come from, being a good man and a good son/father/husband/brother. Happiness and peace is about integrity and honor, not about running. What you have is temporary "feel good" - at the cost of true happiness.

Your "love" encouraged, enabled and seduced him into making the absolute worst, most destructive choices he has ever made in his life (believe it or not, I actually do know him a lot better than you). Granted they are his choices, and I hold him 100% accountable - but this letter is just for you.

You have helped teach him how to lie, deceive, run away, play games, but most importantly, you have led him down a path that has corroded him from within. He is a shell of a man thanks to your "love". For a man who wanted nothing more in life than to be respected and successful in the eyes of his family and friends (which you would know if you really knew him), you helped him throw that away in the eyes of everyone in his world - he is now the man who cheated on his devoted wife, started an affair with his best friend's wife when his son was 3 months old, and left his entire family - yes 4 innocent and trusting children. Anyone who had any kind of healthy love for him would have pushed him right back to his family (for real, not as a manipulative victim marter-play) and helped him be the man he could have been. Instead, you convinced him that you could bring him happiness! Of course, for you, it was only about your needs, not his - but he'll find that out in time.

Unfortunately, you will both learn that the actions you have taken will rob you of your own self-esteem, you own self-respect, and therefore your true ownership of joy. Your recovery, as long as you choose this selfish, destructive path, will be very long and very difficult - and that's if you choose to recover. Maybe fog is a good place to stay forever.

Yeah, I will never love him the way you do. And I've never been more grateful for anything in my life!

May the yolk of foolishness and selfishness be taken off both of your necks. Until then, enjoy la la land -

Signed
Your lover's wife...

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by littlebit377:
<strong> I have copied this from another site called the healing heart.. this is a letter from a women who really wanted to send, yet let us all read it first...This maybe what you need to do

Dear OW

I assume that since my H now shares your bed again that your previous apology has been retracted, as is my forgiveness - for now. Apologies without repentence are meaningless and maniputlative. Meow!

I hope you are happy as your status has now become a full fledged home wrecker. I'm now a single mom with 4 kids - 4 days before Christmas, so the great "daddy" that you fell in love with was willing to toss aside his kids' needs for his own selfishness (not for you, for him - you see even he readily acknowledges that his draw to you is about how you see him, not how he sees you). The next time my 3 year old daughter says "I don't know why daddy doesn't stay here" I'll ring you up and you can explain to her how your needs were way more important than hers.

You made a comment to my H that I will never love him the way you do - and you could not be more right. My love for him recognized that to truly be happy, he needed to do the right thing and for once, step up, take accountability for his own actions, and be the model of character for his kids so they would grow up being proud of him. They needed to see him create happy by being the strong head of the household, an involved father, and the cherishing husband he should have been. That's where his happiness would come from, being a good man and a good son/father/husband/brother. Happiness and peace is about integrity and honor, not about running. What you have is temporary "feel good" - at the cost of true happiness.

Your "love" encouraged, enabled and seduced him into making the absolute worst, most destructive choices he has ever made in his life (believe it or not, I actually do know him a lot better than you). Granted they are his choices, and I hold him 100% accountable - but this letter is just for you.

You have helped teach him how to lie, deceive, run away, play games, but most importantly, you have led him down a path that has corroded him from within. He is a shell of a man thanks to your "love". For a man who wanted nothing more in life than to be respected and successful in the eyes of his family and friends (which you would know if you really knew him), you helped him throw that away in the eyes of everyone in his world - he is now the man who cheated on his devoted wife, started an affair with his best friend's wife when his son was 3 months old, and left his entire family - yes 4 innocent and trusting children. Anyone who had any kind of healthy love for him would have pushed him right back to his family (for real, not as a manipulative victim marter-play) and helped him be the man he could have been. Instead, you convinced him that you could bring him happiness! Of course, for you, it was only about your needs, not his - but he'll find that out in time.

Unfortunately, you will both learn that the actions you have taken will rob you of your own self-esteem, you own self-respect, and therefore your true ownership of joy. Your recovery, as long as you choose this selfish, destructive path, will be very long and very difficult - and that's if you choose to recover. Maybe fog is a good place to stay forever.

Yeah, I will never love him the way you do. And I've never been more grateful for anything in my life!

May the yolk of foolishness and selfishness be taken off both of your necks. Until then, enjoy la la land -

Signed
Your lover's wife... </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">OW! as in THAT has to do something!!!!!!

Good one...

Thanks,

David

Ahh.. I thought it was put quite classy for the wife..having since not to stoop low but to reach high enough to let them feel there pain.

married 34 yrs
5 children
4 grandbabie
47 ish..and called a granny

I can't thank you enough! for your advise and I too feel that I need to tell her and her boyfriend. My gut tells me so and it is never wrong. I am tired of [censored] footing around this I want him to make an effort to end it. Just letting him sit and mull it over is not good enough!

It is a crap shoot either way and it will work out one way or another.

My logic is this...If she didn't tell her boyfriend (of 8 years) then the game is still on for her. I am sure she started it and I am to finish it! I will not threaten her but she will fear me. I already sent her one text message saying "your a f'in home wrecker, stay away from my husband!"

It is like I am screwed either way and I would feel better confronting the whore. My life philisophy has always been face everything head on no matter how bad and painful. I know I have to do this in my heart I feel it strong.

I can't thank you all enough for your continued support and advise. You have kept me from staying in that dark dark place. I will keep you posted.