Dear D,
You are doing great. Good for you.

Regarding the weight, makeup, dressing up, etc: It's time. Now. Start your weight loss program today (I'm sure your appetite is not what it was <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" /> . Seriously, most of us report significant weight loss in the weeks after dday) Exercise every day. The endorphin release alone will help your mood.

Start wearing nicer things when H comes home. You don't have to put on a dress, but a nice (low cut? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" /> ) top with some fitted jeans would be fine. And so what if you're heavy now? You'll lose it. Put on some makeup. C'mon! Look good for YOURSELF. And...don't forget the sexy nightgowns, OK? They matter!

Let me know what you make for dinner, OK?

Regarding the NC ltr, I have a few suggestions:

"So I think we need to make a deadline for contact with OW to end totally and completely. I don’t want this affair to continue indefinitely because you can not have things both ways. I am going to give you until January 29th 2005 to end your contact and relations with OW. Then I want to make and appointment with a Marriage counselor and I would like you to spend more time at home with Bobby and I. "

OK, here goes:
Not, 'I think'. Take that out. Plain and simple, 'We need to...'.
Also, not, 'I don't want this A to continue indefinitely...', but rather, 'The A has to end. You cannot have it both ways.'

Other than that, it's good. I am sure others will chime in with good advice.

Good luck, blessings, and prayers.

I am going to make chicken paprikash w/mashed potatoes it is one of his favorites. I will clean up the bathroom and mop the kitchen floor. He comes home around 8ish I am usually in my pajamas. I can't be in anything too sexy espically if the baby is still awake.

I will dazzle him with my charm and shower him with my affection. I don't want my love for him to turn to hate. He is not the type to seek help first he wants to do it himself. He may not know where to start and is overwhelmed like I read I will teach him if he is not willing to do it himself. I will remain positive and I sent him a message stating that I would like to negociate an agreement and make a plan to fix this mess.

I told him I am excited about turning things around. Also that I love him. I have not gotten a response yet. We had a great talk last night and I am hopeful he is open to making changes. He still doean't know what he wants he says maybe I can remind him of what & whom he needs ME!! Also he has a beautiful son who needs him. If that is not enough incentive to save what he has then he is a royal ASSH*&$# and deserves NOTHING!

Do you agree?

Dear D,

I am sure the dinner wil be great. Enjoy!

You can't be in anything too sexy if the baby's awake? Why? The baby won't know. I have 3 kids. I am not saying to be in black leather and boots, just a nice top and jeans. If you are in PJs, are they flannel? If so, ditch them, please?

Your H does NOT know what he wants right now. He is addicted, not to the OW, but to the feelings he developed when he was with her. Now he has to relearn to get those feelings when he is w/you. And regarding your son: The best gift you both can give him is two parents who fall BACK in love w/each other. OK?

Good luck tonight. Keep it light,if you can. I know how hard that is. It killed me not to grill H every night in the beginning. Somehow, w/the help of the great people I did (most of the time) and it really helped create a safe, loving atmosphere for H. Make it safe for him to love you again. That doesn't mean being a doormat. You will set the boundaries. But, you will do it with love and tenderness.

I told him I love him and can't wait to see him. I must admit I never thought I would feel hopeful ever again. I am the type of person who has to fix a problem and face it to over come it. I HAVE to give it my ALL or else I failed to save something that I think is wonderful. I hope my positive enthusiasm will help turn him around and not be so sad and glum.

I guess I have forgiven him at this point as crazy as it seems. Maybe God DID answer my prayers by giving me the will and determination for BOTH of us to save this marriage. Well I have to go get things started and play with my son. I will come one tomorrow and tell you how it all went. Pray it goes well for us. I think it will.

Dear D,
I am so happy for you. Onward and upward. I am sure that, by tomorrow, you'll be posting on Recovery.

Remember, this is a rollercoaster ride. There will be highs and lows. Expect the lows, but enjoy the highs. It evens out eventually. We will be here for you.

Prayers and hugs.

SAB: I thought if I gave him a deadline to end contact with her that would be an ultimatum and they don't work. I was going to give it until maybe the 29th before I stepped in. I thought I was supposed to take the high road and give him space? Or is the space I am giving that he wants like saying ok keep going? If that is the message I am sending then that is not good. It is impossible for that commitment letter NOT to be an ultimatum.

Can any of the more experienced posters, help her with this? I don't think I explained it properly.

I am the type of person who has to fix a problem and face it to over come it. I HAVE to give it my ALL or else I failed to save something that I think is wonderful.

Be careful with this one. I'm the fixer too. However, I'm finding the more I did, the less he had to. All your suggestions sound wonderful. However, I suggest you try a more subtle approach over time. Too much too soon may send him in the other direction. Besides, it will take time for him to believe all these 180s you are doing are for real. Whatever you do, please make sure these are changes you can stick with over the long haul.

D,
You are getting some wonderful advice.
You are making so much much progress.
I just loving reading how you are listening to what these people are telling, weighing how they apply to you, and acting on them in such a positive way.
It seems your anger is subsiding, your understanding is increasing, and your hope is growing.
Keep it up and keep us posted.
Aug 12th <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Every day I read these post; every day I too am stronger. Thank you.

Did you read these Plan A links? Plan A, Doormats and Love Busters by Zorweb and Cerri on Plan A

Those are by a couple of the most well-informed and experienced people ever to post on these forums, one of whom is a very good professional marriage coach.

A deadline for stopping contact is not something you decide together, however. It is one of the few exceptions to the POJA. YOU continue to tell him (respectfully) about how his contact with her affects YOU every time it comes up. However, since it is hurting you, you must not let it continue too long. How long the affair goes on is HIS decision. If it does not end immediately, how long you let him hurt you with it is YOUR decision. The deadline is how long you can tolerate the pain without losing your love for him. If he does not end the affair, you need to start Plan B before that, so when his affair ends, you will have some love left to re-start your relationship. There is no set time linit for Plan A, but think in terms of weeks to months - Harley recommends three months MAX for women, I believe.

<small>[ January 20, 2005, 09:57 PM: Message edited by: johnh39 ]</small>