Hi, this is my first time out to this forum but not my first time finding out that my husband was having an affair.

He had an affair and was exposed in 2000 with a married woman with children. It ended or so I thought and she tried to make things work for them and we tried to make things work for us. We build a big beautiful new home and invested in it. By the way, we had a young son and I loved him so I stayed.

Long story short, I found out Friday that he is talking to her again and has been for months. She is separated from her husband and I believe he will be leaving to be with her eventually. We have been estranged although in the same house for 6 months. Help, I'm heartbroken and cannot find the strength to be angry and make him go!

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by shameonme:
<strong> Hi, this is my first time out to this forum but not my first time finding out that my husband was having an affair.

He had an affair and was exposed in 2000 with a married woman with children. It ended or so I thought and she tried to make things work for them and we tried to make things work for us. We build a big beautiful new home and invested in it. By the way, we had a young son and I loved him so I stayed.

Long story short, I found out Friday that he is talking to her again and has been for months. She is separated from her husband and I believe he will be leaving to be with her eventually. We have been estranged although in the same house for 6 months. Help, I'm heartbroken and cannot find the strength to be angry and make him go! </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">It's no Shameonyou!

You don't necessarily need to make him go - but you do need to end the affair. Get to a DR and request some anti-depressants. If you tell your doc why you need them, you will get them. That will help you stay even-keeled and solid while you go thru this tough time. I'm so sorry, hon. This should never have to happen.

Here's another thing - don't wait to feel angry - that may not happen for a while - and it isn't necessary in order for you to do the right thing for your marriage.

Here's my basic advice:

You need to do a Plan A; but to do that, make sure you know exactly what you are going to say - write out what you need to say, and rewrite it until it sounds as loving and caring as you can make it, while still sounding firm. You need to hold your ground - YOU are doing the RIGHT THING.

If and when he explodes, here's something I did that may help you. When I confronted my wife, I told her my aim, my whole job was to save the marriage. She wanted to separate and divorce right away because I was such a jerk as to let her not have an affair (no, your husband is not thinking carefully.) I told her that if she wanted to leave, she was free to do so, but I would not help in any way. I wouldn't help pack, wouldn't help sort out stuff, nothing. The only thing I would do is work on the marriage.

If it means anything to him, he will come around. And if you mean nothing to him but a second place to have fun, you don't need him anyway - there are a lot of really good guys out there.

David

Click on the link in my signature line. You will find the Plan A links there quite helpful.

Well, he is insisting he needs to leave because right now he is numb and feels nothing and he believes the only way to determine if he can work it out is by leaving and having time away from me. My fear is that he won't end the connection with her which will only cloud his thinking. I did write him a letter see below. I know who the OW is should I call her and ask her to leave him alone for awhile or is that just going to make things worse with him?

We are only communicating via email at this point so here is what I sent him....

This is probably going to be the most amazing email I've ever written to you. So please read it.

Look, I just feel that you will never be able to feel anything as long as you are clouded by your emotional ties with her. In everything I've read so far, it indicates that we don't have any chance because you will not eliminate it. You have to understand that right now I feel like I need you to prove that you even want to try to see if you work through this. But all I see is that you have that phone and continue contact with her. I don't see any effort at all to shut that part down and start focusing on working things through. That's why I feel that you have made your decision. Because on friday you didn't even seem worried about us. My biggest fear is that when you leave you will go back to working at Arlington and that will be the end. So it's hard for me right now.

She fulfilled some emotional needs for you back after Timmy was born that maybe I wasn't able to do at that time and for that I'm truly sorry. I know that's when you left me and that's when I needed you the most. We have not met each others needs emotionally for over 6 years. I am so terribly sorry for that because I've always wanted another child with you and now I fear that will never happen. I wish I had done it two years ago so I'd have another wonderful gift and sibling for Timmy. I know you would have liked one as well and I'm sure you were afraid that a second child would further hurt us. I'm sorry for that.

That compounded by my physical appearance all that time was probably what did us in. I'm so sorry I let myself be unatrractive in your eyes. That is killing me because now when I am attractive you can't see that either. Believe my I've tried to get you to notice me and you don't even see me like that anymore. I don't blame you for not believing that this will be a way of life for me but it is and always will be for me now. I'm addicted to how I feel right now and I don't want to lose that feeling again.

Our issues with fighting is terrible and I agree that we need to change that behavior immediately and that is fixable and I'm 100% committed on working on my part of that regardless. I know that is an issue where I've hurt you and let you down. I think our other issue lies with respect and honesty. We have really been doing a bad job here too. So, I will be honest with everything going forward and try to make sure that my behaviors are such that you do respect me. Just reading some of the info on the website has made me realize how emotionally I've hurt you. I'm so deeply sorry for that. I've been crying just because I know that some of this truly is my fault. I just want to hug you and cry and tell you I'm sorry. I want to erase all of those things that hurt you because I know you can't let them go. I believed before that it was your fault for seeing and talking to her. I know I'm responsible for some of this and I will change that. And although I made some lifestyle changes with exercise to improve myself I still have a long road there as well with trying to eat healthy. So I've taken steps. Just try to remember Rome wasn't built in a day and it may be a little bit before you see results. So please try not to hold things against me. I'm trying to handle things but until I get some counseling it won't really be noticable. I have calls into a few people so I hope to begin that process as soon as possible. But I can fulfill those emotional needs for you as long as you are willing to try and let me. I don't know if time apart will change how I feel about this and you. Honestly, right now my hope is that we will be apart and you will find you do love me and we will work through this and have the most amazing marriage and friendship ever. We have the ability to be a dynamic force. So, I'm trying to be positve here. I know it doesn't seem like it but I am trying. But I do know that underneath all my hurt, anger and resentment right now there is still love. And for that reason is why I would try not because of Timmy. Although I'm so afraid of the impact of us not being together will have on him. I see the impact it has had on you and your sister and that scares me.

You have to realize that most wives would have kicked you out and changed the locks. But deep down I believe there is something there worth fighting for. I wish you could see it too......maybe you will. But I can only commit to trying with you if you eliminate her during this process. You are going to need a friend to support you through this and I know you are going to have a hard time so please find someone that you can talk to other than her. If you don't we have no shot. Please feel free to respond to me if I've missed something or if there is more that I've done or haven't done so that I know where my weaknesses lie. Try to remember that even though I'm hurting right now I still love you and right now I even feel like I need you. I know that's more than you can handle right now but it's true.

Hi hon - again, I'm gonna pick on your screenname - theres NOshameonyou.

I have a question that I haven't seen an answer to in your posts - did you, or are you having an affair yourself, or are you remaining faithfull to your vows?

If your answer is 'no affair' then you need to stop something immediately. You need to stop appolgizing for any LBs you may have done thru the years. My guess is that you have already said you are sorry, and you meant it. You are wworking on building his Love Bank; you are already doing the right thing.

The next thing I'd like to say is that you do NOT send this letter - not without re-writing it.

Here's why. Your letter is blaming yourself for his thoughtless, rude, insensitive, uncaring, disrespectful, and destructive behavior. Those things are NOT CAUSED BY YOU. I've had to learn that the hard way myself - I'm in a very similar situation, and I am very close to asking the woman that I am crazy in love with to leave.

But note this: as Dr Harley has stated elsewhere in this website, and also in his books, a WS who has to 'leave to sort things out' is 90% likely to be moving out so that he can carry on the affair with a great deal more freedom without having the old 'ball and chain' hold him back.

If you need to send him a letter, if he insists on leaving, move from Plan A to Plan B. Study Plan B with all your heart - if that cannot save your marriage, NOTHING CAN, and all of us here will share your broken heart - you have reached a place where nearly everyone cares for you deeply.

Do NOT take the blame for him leaving - that's just what he wants to justify his decision - don't question why, there is not rational answer. He is addicted to this affair, like an alcoholic is addicted to the next drink. THey will use any excuse to drink, he will use any excuse to have her.

Don't call her either. That will just drive them into each other's arms - you probably have no concept of the things he's told her about you.

Not to judge you at all, hon, this letter is not the right one to send, it will harm you more than help him. You need to stand up and be strong for your little one. You need to defend and protect your marriage - until the day one of you ends it.

PLEASE STUDY ALL THE POSTS AND ARTICLES YOU CAN FIND HERE ON MB ON PLAN B. You must be consistent and strong.

And, like I advised before - get to your Dr as fast as you can and get him/her to prescribe anti-depressant medication. Your doctor will understand and you need the help that medicationn will give you.

I am so sorry this has happened. My heart goes out to you.

David

<small>[ January 20, 2005, 04:04 PM: Message edited by: tanelornpete ]</small>

You have been wonderful but I must tell you that I sent the letter. I'm sorry. I'm so desperate right now to fight for his love. I feel so pathetic. I have not had an affair altough the thought has crossed my mind. I'm sorry I posted that letter because he may even read this site so I may have made things worse anyway.

I did do all those things and that did drive him away I'm sure. I have made an appointment with a therapist for next week so I will have to hold tight until then. I really do not want to take the meds. I've never used meds in the past.

He says he needs to leave to see if he can determine if there is anything left for us. Do you really think it is so he can be with her? I can't bear to think that thought. I am so lost I love him so much and my heart can't take amymore.

Hey hon, don't worry about having sent that letter - it may reach him - who knows? Bit of advice, though - next time, run your letter thru the messageboards first and give yourself time to rethink - you need to act outside of your emotions right now. There are a lot of really good, caring people here who can help you reword things, give you good advice, etc.

I do want to make one very strong suggestion, though. Read up EVERYTHING on Plan B, and don't let him back into your house unless he agrees completely. He wants to keep both of you so he can get whatever he wants whenever he wants it,and he knows he has you by an emotional leash - he can control you so much it will drive you mad.

Protect yourself and your family and your marriage. And yes, I believe that he left you to spend lots of time in bed with her. Sorry to be blunt, but that's the real story. He doesn't deserve you, no matter how attached you are to him.

And don't worry if he reads this site - he deserves to hear all we may have to say about him. It may even shake him back into reality.

And as for the meds - it's only temporary, but you will be amazed at the clarity of mind you suddenly find - and the ability to defend and protect yourself. This isn'r just my reccomendation - Dr. Harley suggests it. Read his pages on Infidelity


David

Dear SOM,
First, welcome. You are going to be fine. Sorry you're here, but you will find help and support.

David is right, stop sending H communications by e-mail/ snail mail until you've pre-posted them here a few times. you don't know the methods (Harley) well enough yet, and you will find the necessary help here.

I know you're desperate. We all were. It comes w/the teritory. You will get better, stronger, more able to help your H, who NEEDS you.

For now, breathe. Time is on your side. You are the wife. And, believe it or not, that is on your side, too.

First, PlannA. That is about you, not him. You have to/can only change yourself. Your H will respond to the changes in you. This does not mean you're a doormat. Set the boundaries - NC, no LBing. But, let your H see the woman he married. Wear nice things when he comes home. Put nice dinners on the table. Plan nice evenings out. Get a babysitter. Send romantic e-cards. And-----STOP -------STOP -----saying I'm sorry. You didn't have the *&^% A, he did. OK?

More later.


you are doing fine. Good for you. Good luck. Prayers and blessings,
---------------------------------------
me-50 FWH-44 M-20 yrs. DD-19 DS-15 DS-9
A-2/03-5/04 D-Day-5/8/04 WD/Fog-5/04-9/04 NC ltr -9/03/04
In recovery w/God's help

I'm not doing fine. I'm begging him to stay which I know in my heart is the wrong thing to do because he is confused and wants to go figure out what it is he needs. I can't imagine he would truly leave to go be with her in that way. If that were true why not tell me now? I'm so distraught at this point. My whole wotld seems to be spiraling out of control. My only saving grace right now is my DS who is a treasure and is going to be severely hurt by all of this when daddy leaves us.

Well it is getting worse by the minute. He is now telling me that he is going to go back to work at the office where she is. He needs to be there 2 days a week for work reasons and I know it is over now. He knows how I feel about that because I made him stop working there 4 years ago when I caught him. This is truly going to be the worst thing I've ever gone through. I think I can handle a death better that I can handle this pain.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by shameonme:
<strong> Well it is getting worse by the minute. He is now telling me that he is going to go back to work at the office where she is. He needs to be there 2 days a week for work reasons and I know it is over now. He knows how I feel about that because I made him stop working there 4 years ago when I caught him. This is truly going to be the worst thing I've ever gone through. I think I can handle a death better that I can handle this pain. </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Hon, you are giving him all the ammo he needs to hurt you. I know this is a very hard thing - I'll bet your personality runs mainly on Emotions - I'm even guessing your an NFP - but at this time, you need to stop, and do some serious THINKING outside of your emotions.

Write out your thoughts. Then look for all the emotive words you use, and scratch them out. WIth what you have left, you need to put together a logical plan that will give you the strength you need to stand.

I don't think you need to be doing an Plan A right now - I think this has pushed way too far for it to even have any effect. You need to go to plan B - I've said it before, and I know there has been some disagreement, but in order to protect yourself, your child, and your dignity, you MUST stand up and say "HERE I STAND AND I GO NO FARTHER"

He won't know what to do. He'll flip out and try to weasle his way into getting what he wants from you. But SO WHAT! You need him to be your HUSBAND, not a partime roommate screwing (pardon my french) his girlfriend while you sit in the corner and cry. The time for crying is over - you have a child to protect, and you have yourself to protect.

In my mind, from what you've said, he's NOT WORTH what you think he is. You may even be addicted to him -- and may need to go thru a period of withdrawal.

But I've studied PLAN B, and if there is any hope for your marriage it is there.

If there isn't any hope there - just remember - there are a LOT - I repeat, A LOT of good guys out there that you can choose from. Just introduce anyone you meet to this website and tell them there will be no relationship without working from the tools found here. Yes, I'm jumping into the fiture - but I did that on purpose to show you that just cause some jerk wants to be unfaithful to you in NO WAY reflects on your goodness, or ability to care, or your humanity, or dignity- or the fact that you can find someone that deserves you and will remain yours forever.

My guess is he is stomping all over that, and most likely laughing at you behind your back. I've known the type - worked with them, and dealt with them.

Do your best for your child, darlin' - you are worth too much to let some [censored] make you take your life to please himself. Most likely he wouldn't care anyway, and your child would be devastatetd.

Just remember - LET HIM DO THE DIVORCE. He will always be the bad guy in your child's eyes that way, especially if you remain honest with your little one.

In my thoughts and prayers - David

David, I hipe you didn't misunderstand me. I didn't mean my own death. I just meant the loss of someone I think is easier to take then this pain. I've never felt more sad and alone in all my life. If I do plan B I'm afraid he will go and there will be no chance of reconciliation. He does not respond well to ulitmatums. He actually will probably end it right there and then and I might lose the house and things that would really impact my little guy. I don't want to disrupt his life too much so I wanted to stay in the house but cannot manage to do so on my own.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by shameonme:
<strong> David, I hipe you didn't misunderstand me. I didn't mean my own death. I just meant the loss of someone I think is easier to take then this pain. I've never felt more sad and alone in all my life. If I do plan B I'm afraid he will go and there will be no chance of reconciliation. He does not respond well to ulitmatums. He actually will probably end it right there and then and I might lose the house and things that would really impact my little guy. I don't want to disrupt his life too much so I wanted to stay in the house but cannot manage to do so on my own. </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Ok - that's what I thought you were saying, and it worried me a bit - I've felt that way a few times over the past couple of weeks. Here's a question you need ti ask yourself- is it him you are missing and worried about losing, or the security of a house over your head? THAT you can always get on your own. If your worry is more about losing where you are living, you may want to give a real clear re-think of your entire relationship....

David

ooops

<small>[ January 22, 2005, 11:59 PM: Message edited by: tanelornpete ]</small>