I have seen the Dr. for our custody evaluation 2 times. I am very confused. I have been honest about everything and feel good about that. I guess what has me confused is that she told me what my H said. It has totally thrown me for a loop. He said that he hasn't loved me in years. Said that for the past 6 years that I would snap at any given moment and have angry outbursts. This is not true. In fact, in counseling, my Drs. have been amazed at how I don't express anger and they would often ask me when I was going to get angry. I am just not that kind of person. Never have been....never will. Yes, I have been angry, but I just don't express it in the way he is claiming. Also that crap about him not loving me for years is really sad. Where was I? I guess I should say I don't believe it. There is no way he and I could have lived together and done all these things together and him not love me. I think that I would have noticed. He also claims that on many occasions that I would lock myself in the bathroom and make superfical cuts on my wrists with a razor blade. NOT! Yes, I admit that I did attempt suicide after finding out, but I was admitted to the stress center and learned alot. I would have never done that again! I am ashamed and embarrassed by doing that, but I must have been in a really bad state of mind. Now after all I have been through, I have not thought once about suicide, only how much I love life no matter the stress I am going through. He also stated that he felt that "I" abandoned the family a couple years ago. When I asked her how...she said that H said that I would go play bingo and leave him with the girls. Is that abandonment? My reply was that if he felt that way why didn't he tell me? I would have loved to hear him say that he would have rather me spend time with him than in a smoke filled bingo hall. I guess I'm confused because if I was so horrible all these years, why did he stay. If he felt abandoned, why didn't he leave then? If I sat in a bathroom and cut myself, why didn't he take me to a Dr? All of these things are new to me. After all of these months of him gone, and hearing all of the excuses, these are new ones that I have never heard. He also claims I never cooked, cleaned, sewed or did anything for him the whole 11 years we were married. I look at them as his justification for having an affair. It makes him feel better to have reasons. But will the Dr see it that way? I told her we had a pretty good marriage. That he was a sweet man and treated me and the girls very good. That I loved him and still do. She said maybe I was too forgiving. That maybe he didn't like me having friends and that he wanted me to himself. But this scares me because this is a custody evaluation and here I am saying good things about him and there he is talking like I am an emotionally unstable person. Saying hateful things and making me look terrible. Now I am afraid because he has lied and that she will believe him. I'm sorry but I can't lie. I don't want to lose my girls, but I can't lie. I am so confused...<BR>Nancy

Nancy,<P>You did the right thing...<P>I was doing extensive preparation for a custody battle in May-July... then my W just left in August.<P>The important thing is that you tell the custody evaluators the truth!!!! Never EVER knock your spouse... don't say bad things... just the FACTS!!!<P>Supprisingly that is what Steve Harley told me in my first session as well. Tell the truth when you have to go to court. One lie... and if the courts/evaluators find out, your credibility shrinls to zero.... Whereas if your spouse lies... their credibility shrinks to zero.<P>If anything saying there were some problems (maybe you missed some of the signs)... would have been OK to say to the evaluator... but don't say EVER any hurtful words about your spouse.<P> <P>You did good! If the evaluator is a 'bad' one there is <B>nothing</B> you could have said anyway.<P>Good luck... my prayers are really with you!<P>Jim

Jim,<BR>Thank you...I tries to be honest with as little nastiness as possible. It was somewhat easy because that was the way I felt. I love him, so I certainly don't want to bash him. I will occassionaly on my posts but that is it. I don't even do it in front of the girls. Even though I am mad and hurt, the thought of hurting him back is not an issue. I don't hurt people I love.<BR>Nancy

Mental,<P>No decent professional is going to listen to two stories as polarized as yours and your H's and believe only one of you...they will believe there is SOME truth on both sides, yet tend to favor one of you as more credible.<P>If I was listening, I would tend to believe you more...there may have been some problems, but you didn't see them. That is believable.<P>It would be alot harder to believe your H's story - things were ALWAYS hell - why did he stay then???? You NEVER cooked,cleaned or sewed - do the girls show signs of neglect (NO)???? You tried to kill yourself MULTIPLE times - where are the medical records????? YOU were the abandoner at bingo (I am LOL at this one!!!!), yet HE is having the AFFAIR??????? HHHMMMMM??? Now who am I gonna give more credibility to?? NOT HIM.<P>Roll Me Away<P>------------------<BR>"Life is made up, not of great sacrifices or duties, but of little things in which smiles and kindnesses and small obligations, given habitually, are what win and preserve the heart and secure comfort."<P>Sir Humphry Davy<BR>

Roll me away,<BR>Sounds simple...but everything is going his way. I am sure that I was angry at times...but the way he makes it sound I was just a terror. I agree, the kids were always fed and dressed in clean clothes and always clean/ In fact, my attorney has 3 letters from school teachers that say that exact thing. They were so devastated over this thing that they wrote me letters to give to my attorney. I have neighbors and friends and school officals who have told me if I need any letters or if they need to come testify, that they would. Makes me feel good, but somehow I am not sure anything will help. He is so charming and deceptive right now. I sometimes feel like just saying that I really must have been out in left field during these past 15 years together/<BR>Nancy

Nancy,<P>Do your best to have the faith that all will work out in your favor. The courts have to be unbiased and consider what is best in the long-term welfare of the kids. Bingo won't matter. But, I think your h's affair will matter a great deal. <P>I will pray for you. When is your court date?<P>Roll Me Away<P>------------------<BR>"Life is made up, not of great sacrifices or duties, but of little things in which smiles and kindnesses and small obligations, given habitually, are what win and preserve the heart and secure comfort."<P>Sir Humphry Davy<BR>

I do not know when the court date is. But I do know that I was told that my H could walk into court with a woman on both arms and the court doesn't care. Having an affair isn't illegal. They also told me that judges don't care about affairs because supposedly affairs are just a symptom not a reason for a divorce. Makes me kind of sick. YUK<BR>Nancy

Well, I am certainly no legal expert, Nancy, but I see many folks here who have been able to get restraining orders against the OP for sleeping over with their S in front of the children, so I doubt if it matters not at all. I think it will be weighed by any judge, because it may show the dependability or lack thereof, of the parent who left, which is your H!<P>Roll Me Away<P>------------------<BR>"Life is made up, not of great sacrifices or duties, but of little things in which smiles and kindnesses and small obligations, given habitually, are what win and preserve the heart and secure comfort."<P>Sir Humphry Davy<BR>

Mental:<P>Is having a Dr. eval for custody a typical thing in your state? I live in California, a "no fault" divorce state and my H and I never had to go through any type of counseling, or medical doctor opinions or anything like that. In fact, here, it doesn't matter if you are a "hooker" by profession, as long as you are a good mother or father, show no signs of neglect or abuse, the courts here are very much in favor of "joint custody". They seem not to give sole custody to the mother anymore.

Tired Lady,<BR>Indiana is a no-fault state also. My H is trying to show that I am too Mental to properly care for our girls. My H and his attorney are the ones who requested that we have an evaluation done. It seems that even though I have seen Drs. and been to counseling since last Nov (98) it is not good enough. My H does not like that the professionals have only diagnosed me with depression. It seems "Dr H" knows more than them. I guess if he searches hard enough or pays enough money he will find someone who will "label" me whatever my H wants. When he left he told me now I will get what I deserve because of screwing up his "private" life. In fact he said "how dare you nose into my private life" when I confronted him about his affair. I guess this girl must really be something to put another human being through so much pain. To boot she must be more important than his children because he is pushing them farther and farther away with all of his lies and actions. Thanks for all the words of encouragement....I really need them<BR>Nancy

Just got off the phone with a good friend. She laughed about the Bingo thing too. She says she has a hard time thinking that any person with a degree in that field would not see the truth. She has often wondered how they can't see him as the angry one. After all that he has put the girls and I through. I agree with her. I guess nosing into his private life was a big deal for him<BR>Nancy

Woke up this morning feeling somewhat blue. Even after everything, I miss him. I wished I could snap my fingers and it could take me back a couple of years and I could use this knowledge that I know have to make sure my marriage never got off track, Sigh........<BR>Nancy

The fact that your H is bad-mouthing you and being hateful is going to show the evaluators that his is trying to be vindictive. He's probably far more unstable. The negative, hateful things he is saying will work in your favor. There are lots of websites on how to win your custody battle. Check them out. <P>One of the factors that judges take into consideration when deciding custody is the ability of the person to work with and be amicable with the other spouse. If your H is being hateful and vindictive towards you, obviously he is NOT trying to work with you amicably. I went through a very nasty custody battle last summer -- the judge ordered my son to stay with me. My husband and his lawyer tried to make me look like a raving lunatic, however they were not successful because it was NOT TRUE. Be sure you have plenty of positive witnesses in your favor. The letters from the teachers will certainly help. If you attend church, have your pastor write a letter also. Its not just about money either. My husband's earning capacity is larger than mine, but I was able to show that I could provide a stable home for my son. What you have to prove to the judge is that your uppermost concern is what is in the best interest for your children. His affair will most likely be a factor in that it shows a lack of moral character on his part. Living your life with integrity is important to judges. Best of luck to you, prayer and honesty is the best way for you to overcome this.

I went through a horrific custody battle, and the evaluator was so biased it was unbelievable. <P>Did you pick this counselor? or did his attorney?<P>If in that situation again, I will not go to the counselor he picked. And I would not accept one opinion. And I would mediate and negotiate for the best possible outcome that I could live with, vs. going to court and having some "so-called" child psychologist make decisions that will affect my child's life forever, as what happened to me.<P>In my case, no kidding, the child psychologist, her husband and my x and the OW went to dinner, went to the shooting range together, etc. Totally biased.<P>I'm sure I had one of those horrific cases, but I wouldn't advise having only one counselor. Who knows what their evaluation will bring. <P>Have yourself evaluated privately, so that you have a backup.<P>gads, I'm sorry you have to go through this.<P>TNT

I have had many evaluations privately. No for custody, but because he kept saying I was mental and I started to believe him and wanted/needed to know if "dr H" was right. They never found anything but that I was depressed. Thanks for the support. I am still scared though. It seems that he is so charming that he could lie and lie and everyone thinks he is so truthful. Again, thanks.....made me feel better...I was thinking the same thing....I worried that maybe she was so smart (dr) that she would be stupid...Do you know what I mean. No common sense. <BR>Nancy

Nancy,<P>My H and I just survived a custody battle for my 9 yr. old SS. 4 mths after his ex agreed to the primary change in custody to us, she took us back to court. All part of her vindictive games. ANYway...we won, and H didn't even have to testify. She hung herself in her own web of lies and the Judge saw right through her. He stated in the open courtroom, "[H], I don't even need to hear from you. [Ex], [SS] doesn't need your crap. You need to work WITH the situation instead of against it. Motion for change of custody denied." He actually said "crap!"<P>Our attorney's advice for the hearing included not showing ANY emotional reaction while she testified. To remain calm, straight-faced and simply state the facts while remaining pleasant with the Judge. We hoped that Ex would be unable to control herself during the hearing, and she didn't do well at all. She exhibited anger and melodrama, and at one point, turned back to wink at her mother.<P>You did the right thing--telling the truth to the counselor. I think you'll end up with much less to worry about than you think right now. And I'll bet your H's ridiculous statements of how you NEVER cooked, cleaned, etc. will be part of her report. It will reflect glaringly on HIM.<P>Laura

Laura,<BR>I hope your right. I know that this involves losing the girls, but I just can't lie or even twist a story. It seems that if you do that you can't remember, and screw up when you tell it again. Another reason I can't lie is because I love him. But I am scared about the emotion part. I am not sure that I won't cry if something horrible is said. He still has a way of hurting me. Thank you for the post.....Somewhere back.....deep in my heart.....I think the judge will see thru it all.....At least I hope.<BR>Nancy