I have not posted here before but was wondering if anyone could offer some advise. On New Years Eve 21 days ago to be exact. We had a few couples over to our house for a get together. Not to go through everything what ended up happening after midnight and bascially everyone was gone, was My husband, brother, and a very good friends wife was upstairs in our game room. Myself, her husband and my sisterinlaw were down stairs in the kitchen, I was cleaning up and I walked over to the pantry and glanced upstairs and saw the unthinkable my husband was coming up behind this woman putting his arms around her waist kissing her neck. Come to find out that more was going on up there, passionate kissing, grouping, etc to the point my brother was trying to pullthem apart from each other and they fell into our bar and knocked it over. To say the least the party was over. Granted my husband was intoxicated but he told me he remembers telling her what they were doing was wrong that they were both married...but he continued to kiss her, etc. He was in the frame of mind to know it was wrong WHY did he not stop and come down stairs...I have never been hurt this bad in my life. We have been together for 13 years and this is tearing me up inside. He threw all the trust I had for him out the window for a moment of Lust. Knowing that I was 15 feet away in OUR Home....We are going to counseling but because he says he don't remember much I feel I will never know the answers and I honestly don't believe that he don't remember. He always has in the past. I love this man with all my heart and he says that he is very much in love with me, he just states it was a stupid mistake....I am lost and don't want my marriage to end but I am having a hard time getting past this. Now the counselor wants to see me by myself. I understand why. But I feel so mad at him because I would not be here if he had not done this to me. I have always been faithful, supportive, loving, caring to him and he to me...there seemed to be know problems in our marriage. Heck we just renewed our wedding vows last June. So that even makes them seem worse to me. Any advise? Anyone?

Hello,

It sounds like selective memory loss to me.
What did the friend's wife have to say about the incident? How is the husband and the wife of the other couple handling it? Was her story the same as your husband? What was the version of the brother? I would compare all of the stories especially the wife's version. I wish you luck.

That is what I thought too and that is what my brother said is it sounds like selective memory to him too. I have not spoke with the Wife but once and she started off by saying she did not mean for it to happen and there was more involved other than alcohol. My daughter knew she was upsetting me and took the phone and told her not to ever call the house again then hung up on her. We are not friends anymore to say the least. She turned around and called my house again the next day after her husband told her I was moving into a friends apartment. I guess she thought that I was not home and called. That was when all hell broke loose and I took the phone from my husband when he told me who it was and told her if she ever tried to contact him again that would be the last thing she ever did and ask her if she understood...she said yes, then she turned around and called him at his job the next week. My husband told her that he did not want to talk to her and he was going to work on his marriage and she got mad and hung up on him. My brother told me that she was the one who made the first move. My sisterinlaw told me she feels so bad because she saw her flirting with him alot when I was out of sight and chose to not say anything to me at that time she stated she was flirting with my brother too and wanted to kick her butt but we are not that kind of people. So she is beating herself up over this now. Actually my husband just left my job they threw a surprise party for me it is tomorrow is my 40th b-day. Some b-day huh? He seems very sincerely sorry about this and keeps telling me that he is deeply inlove with me but I doubt myself if he is anymore just due to happening?

Hello again,

I would like to know what she meant when she said there was something more involved than alchol. I think it is absolutely essential that you contact the wife's husband and tell him what she has been doing and everytime she has called. How is her husband handling it or does he even care?

I have no ideal...I guess she just meant that the attraction was there....Oh I called her husband and advised him the very next day as to what happened, he said she is just a big flirt and he was use to it. But after I got more details and let him know he said he knew she had been looking for an out and he guessed she had found it but then I heard that they were back together. That is between them now I guess and I told him not to forget what he had told me about the things that she had done before. Apparently this is not the first time for her. That is why I decided I really wanted to make my marriage work. They have only been married for 4 years and I have 13 years invested here. To me she was a loosy goose and I was not going to let the devil win this one. But God it is so hard.

Hello again,

It seems to me that you have done everything
correctly. I guess that the husband simply does
not care that much.
I hope counseling will allow your husband to become more truthful and to start the process of
recovery. Again you have done everything right.
I wish you luck.

I am honestly trying...I just can't get the vision of them together out of head....I wished that I had not walked over there at that particular time and then I would not have this imagine in my head and seeing him looking at me and the look on his face when he saw that I was standing there. I honestly have nightmares over this. Thanks for your replies I appreciate it so much...I am hoping that the counseling works.for everyone involved this has touched really needs to get past this. One thing I forgot to say is that we have a 4 yr old son we have to consider in this situation also. That really makes it tough.

taresa,

My heart goes out to you. My d-day was 2-28-04.

Read as much as you can about this matter. After the Affair is a good book. This website is packed with all kinds of good information.

Accept that this will not be easy and at all times do everything you can to stay calm. Working yourself into a lather doesn't do much good for you in the long run.

Remember you are a good person. Don't blame yourself or beat yourself up for this. It happened, accept that and move on toward fixing the things that caused the space that has been created between you. It will take a lot of listening without judging and self examination along with courage, bravery, humility. All of which will essentially make you stronger as a couple and as individuals. Be brave!!! You'll be OK.