For the past 12 yrs i have been married.the whole time we were married we hardly commuticated. We never really talk.we got along great never fought.The past yr or so it started getting worse it didnt help much he worked full time and went to school full time. I was always home with our two children. Work was stressful for him and so was school.We hardly seen eachother and we started to dreft apart. I wanted so bad to tell him how i felt i even wrote a letter just before thanksgiving but never gave it to him. I was afraid i would'nt get the reply i so wanted. so i did'nt give it to him.Around the begining of dec i noticed changes in him but i just blames it on all the stress he had going on in his life. Then just before x-mas i found a reciept for a stufferd animal.Which deep down i hoped it was mine for x-mas but i had this feeling it was not.x-mas it wasn't there for me.So that nite i asked about it he did'nt have an answer. a day went by and that nite i asked again.He told me it was for a girl at work my world just crashed in front of me.He said they got close about a month and half before x-mas.They worked on projects and had many of the same intrests.He seened her more than me.At that moment i found out he felt the same way i did.He said he was afraid to confront me on his feelings because he thought i would reject him. WE both loved eachother and stoped saying it because we didnt think we would hear it back. He did tell me he kissed this girl and that was all. I did find out he did buy a watch to go with that bear. All we do is talk i mean talk about everything. In the 16 years we been together we never have talked like this. WE have laughed,criedand shared so many feelings we did'nt know we had for eachother.I know he loves me i know i love him,but this kiss is really killing me.They do work toghter she moved to a different floor. I think i caught something before it happened.At work he stays to himself now.do i call this an affair?He says there really was nothing there she was someone who showed him more attention.He said he did'nt think i loved him anymore i felt the same way.How can we not know?Why were we afraid?How do i know it was only a kiss between them and nothing else happened He says nothing did. Can i really be happy is this story different because we were afraid to show are true feelings for eachoter. we are 30 yrs old and have been togehter since we were 14 and 15.Could this be our begining.

Dear LL,

Welcome. You've come to a good place, with wonderful people who will help you. Read their posts.

From what you've written, it sounds as though you and your H became 'disengaged' from each other - drifted apart - over the years. Very common.

Your H found an 'inappropriate' friendship with this OW. Hopefully, as he says, it only went as far as a kiss. But, it is still very upsetting to you, no matter how far it went. Any secret relationship outside the marriage is wrong, and very destructive to the marriage, very disloyal to the wife/husband.

Now that you're here, you can recover and restore the love you had when you were first married. Read all the parts of the Marriagebuilders site, all the articles. Buy the books they talk about here, Surviving An Affair, His Needs/Her Needs, they are very helpful. You can buy them here, Amazon.com, or bookstores like Barnes & Noble. Take the Emotional Needs quiz - you can download and print it off for yourself and your H. Learn the MB principles - they really work.

NC - No contact is essential for your M to recover. Your H has to agree to that.

I wish you good luck!
-----------------------------------
me-50 FWH-44 M-20 yrs DD-19 DS-15 DS-9
A-2/03-5/04 DDay-5/8/04 WD/Fog 5/04-9/04
NC ltr 9/03/04
In recovery with God's help

I always loved my wife, but over the last few years we started "really" talking less and less. We still did things like a married couple, but in reality we were just room mates. She would tell her friends how much she loved me but felt I didn't love her. I also felt the same way. It was like we had a thick glass window between us and everything was muted. On September 6th, 2004 she moved out. After many talks she decided to move back in and work it out. It took two months but we bacame closer then we ever were, we both lost weight and started working out again. Sex became better then it has for many many years. We fell in love again. Then on X-Mas 2004 she told me she had an afair up until the point she moved out. After finding this site and reading posts here, it all made since. Our marriage would be an example in the dictionary for why affairs happen.
I forgave her without reservation. I knew why it happened and knew fully my part in it. While I would of wished the affair never happened, I do feel that without the affair we never would be where we are now. I am closer to my wife then ever. I don't think I would ever of broke through my "macho" attitude without this event. She has changed in so many ways since she moved back and so have I. We are like we just started dating and I do see this time as a new beginning.

Affairs can truly make a marriage better as long as both people want to fix what caused the affair to happen. While there is no excuse for an affair and no hope for serial cheaters, I do feel that in marrieges like mine it can make the marriage stronger. If you both fall in love with each other again and work on keeping that love at all costs then the affair in all honesty is only a bump in a long road.

hi, i'm back again. Just hoping to get more advice. Today its been a month. We have came along way since i found out on x-mas. Yet i am still very upset. I cry all the time when i am alone.I feel bad when i cry in front of my H. I do know how guilty he does feel and how he'd wish it never of happened. Is it okay to keep asking questions? I don't know why i can't accept that there really was'nt nothing between them. Yes they kissed he says once and he did buy her a gift for x-mas.He says they never met outside of work.They did talk twice on the phone.This other W is also married but she knew her marriage was over. I do want my H to tell this other women what a mistake this was and he loves me and that they should never speak to eachother again. He says he really has'nt seen her and he thinks she got the hint but he will let her know it was a mistake.He did want to tell her all they really should do is say hi and bye. I told him they cound not even do that. He understood and agreed.The biggest thing i'm dealing with is this letter i wrote to my H right around the time this stared with the other W. I knew we had drefted apart so i wrote him and never had the courage to give it to him. I was afraid of his responce.This letter would of told him everything he needed to hear.I should of given it to him anyway. Even if he was gonna tell me he did'nt feel the same way.Now that i did'nt give it to him i'm blaming myself because it was right around the same time he started having feelings for this other W. I could of stopped it right there.He would of known i loved him.How do i stop blaming myself?

lastinglove -

Welcome to marriagebuilders. Glad you have found us. Right away your husband must write a no contact letter to the other woman. It needs to say that he loves you and wants to work on the marriage, and he will have no contact with her for any reason.

Don't sit there and run through the "what if's". Trust me...been there, done that. I SERIOUSLY suspected my wife's emotional affair about two weeks before the actual proof...but let her convince me that everything was ok. Had I confronted her harder then, or started gathering proof sooner, it would have made a big difference in how the aftermath went. They got serious over that last weekend before I "caught" them at it...and when I confronted her, he bought her plane tickets to go live with him. She left me for a week...she didn't get on the plane, but it sure was a tough tough time.

Stop beating yourself up for what you did or didn't do...hindsight is 20/20...you can't know if it would have made a difference then or not.

One thing I've learned in the eight months since my "d-day"...once you know he's working on re-building your marriage, try to stop worrying about the past, and live in the present. I had a rough time with that myself.

The reason my W had an A was because of lack of communication as well. We were more like roomates then H and W. I also did not respect her, I treated her like crap and put my stupid car first. I have been into cars so long, that I guess it finally messed me up. So she had an A with a guy that would give her the attention she needed.

I can tell you, that after I found out, I felt awful, but we are working it out and closer now then we have ever been. I got rid of the car for something more reliable, and we are just getting to know each other again. It's really great. We are also in MC with a wonderful therapist, and that is going well too.

It has only been a couple of weeks for me, but I am feeling better and better. I know that I had a big part in driving her to the A, and I am changing for the better now. I have totally forgiven her, but she has yet to forgive herself. I guess that will come in time. We are meant to be together, I know that (at least I hope). It's almost like the A has made us a better couple, but you gotta talk and you GOTTA work on it. It does not come easy.

Good luck to you!

HI, I want to thank everyone for there advice. I could use some more. My h did confront this other w last nite when they left work. He did'nt get to say much because she told him she figured it out because he has'nt talked to her in a month. So the only thing he got out was it was a mistake. Is that enough?I still am having a difficult time dealing with this.I don't know what kind of realationship i could say they had. Things really just started when i found out.He says there was no sexual contact but how do i really know? I want to believe him so much.I know i have the right to know.How do i know he just don't want to hurt me more.He also says there were hardly any feelings for her because it got caught early.Can this really be it?Can it be this simple?Simple or not it hurts the same. I for the most part knew were he was at all times.But i can't say every minute.Right now things our so different he is a different person for the better.He does so much for me now.He tells me all the time he loves me.In the past month i heard i love you more than the sixteen years we were together.IT was always something he had a hard time expressing.Since he did i picked up on it and never said it to him.This is were our problem started.Things our much better. This is how i always wanted my life to be.Now i have it i'm afraid i'll lose it.I don't know why i cry so much if i caught it before it developed into something bigger.He tells me this has been the best and wrost month of his life.If we both only knew back then how to communicate this would never of happened. We felt the same way but never told each other.I know we will move forward and i know it will take time. Any advice would help.

LL

It sounds like your H is willing to work on your M. Thats a very good thing.

You may want to read the book His needs/Her needs. It can be purchased online here or sometimes found locally.

Your truly lucky to have a S that seems willing to work together with you on the M. All the "what ifs" will drive you crazy should you choose to let them. Try to work on the present. The worry we have today will not change one thing thats happened in the past but good sound choices could possibly make a better future. The book will explain how the two of you can build a M that is A proof if you follow the plan. Also on this site are articles from the book so you can get an idea of the concepts. The book expands on those ideas and is quite a good help. In the past, my intentions were always good to try and meet my S's needs but very misdirected. From your post it sounds like your H is willing to work on the M by being honest and open. By dragging up past mistakes over and over it is possible you could drive him away. If possible verify that he does what he said he's going to do. If he's open and honest he will be doing what he said/when he said/where he said' and the past will no longer be an issue.
The book is a big help.

Hope to see more posts from you in the future.

Good luck

Jerry

LL

You are very fortunate that you spouse is willing to work on your marriage. I am not so fortuante at this point, My H said it was a kiss, then it was sleeping with her once then it became more and more and before you knew it I was on an emotional roller coster that I never thought I'd be on and each day it is tough to hold on. The advice is good and the books noted are excellent for even people who have not reached this point in their relationship we sometimes forget very important needs that our partners have.

I wish you both the best of luck but do yourself a favor keep your eyes and heart open.

LL
It is important that you drive an imaginary "present" stake into the ground that represents the past behind and the future forward.
If you keep reliving the past with "what ifs" or "could of happened", then there will not be a defining line between past and present and future.
The pain of your husbands emotional affair and part physical affair will not diminish if you keep rehashing the past with "what ifs" and "could bes".
If you have questions ask them and expect them to be answered honestly. Tell him this but also accept his answer without anger LB's no matter what the answer is.
Explain to your husband your suspicions and believe him if he tells you what happened. Also qualify that if he is not telling the truth about this affair then you will be further devastated by another lie\deception and will be forced back to square one on this roller coaster ride. Open honesty about the affair may hurt you and may be embarrassing for him but answering your questions honestly is the only way to recover your marriage and make it better.
It looks as though you are willing to work this out and so is he. So do it through more understanding and fulfillment of each others needs, want and desires.

SM

Hi, i could really use some more advice.Its been a little over six weeks since i found out.It was hard at first but things were going so good.I was so happy. My h and i were falling in love all over again.Well i think sometimes i might of been falling in love for the first time. I never felt this way.We have become so close in every way possible. I have felt things i never felt before.We purchased a new jeep. We planned a trip to niagara falls. Which is this coming weekend.WE never in the 12 yrs we been married have we been away alone. Not even a honeymoon.This past weekend this ow finally told her h He blew up called my H threated him and then cooled down and they decided to both work on there own m. Now comes the hard part my h was keeping something from me because he did'nt want to hurt mr more. I found out it was more then a kiss. They were in her car one nite and almost went all the way. My heart dropped and i don't think i gotten it back yet.He told me details because ofcourse i wanted to know. He said there was alot of touching and just before it got to that point he got scared and stopped. He got scared for many reasons he said. I guess she wan'st upset said it was alright he got out of her car and walked back to his. Mind you they found a spot at work to hide her car.The next day at work they acted as if nothing happened.Can you really be that close and it not happen?Idon't know what to do with this new info.I cry i freak out in the middle of the night.I scare the heck out of him. Hes so worried about me now becoming sick.These past couple weeks have been the best ever. He did not love this person.I know that much.He has changed in so many good ways.He is such i different person.I know he really loves me and that we drefted apart. We came back togher and are closer than ever.I don't know how to deal with this new info. We are going away in three days. I was so excited i still want to go but i want that excitment back.I had so much planned. we over the pastcouple of weeks became so much closer sexually than ever before. now with this info i can't even change with him there.I told him i might not be able to meets those needs for a while. He told me not to worry about it. That this trip is for us to have the chance to be by our selves and he is not worried about that part at all. He just wants to be with me.We have came so far over these six weeks.Do i let this set me back. With this new info he told me he is now leaving his job at the end of the week. Any info will help

Thanks
LL

He has gotten comfortable enough with you and your R that he can tell you things and open up. He may have more to say. I am not as good as the others here. So maybe some one wiser than I can help more. Mine has not opened up but I think I have made myself believe more went on the he is saying right now. Hope I can handle it. I believe I would react same as you. Good luck and take care. Enjoy this wkend.