11.30.2004 was D-Day. I Found out that the wife had an A that lasted for a year and that the OM was my former best friend. The circumstances go like this. The week prior to Thanksgiving we received a call from OM wife who was also my wife's Best friend saying that the OM had told her that he had two affairs. I was blown over when I found the OM had had two affairs as this guy was a great friend and had been there for me in both good and bad. During the week between that day and D-Day I couldn't stop talking to my wife about it. She seemed to change the subject often when I brought it up. And in the back of my mind I gave a passing thought that one of them might have been her, but blew it off as she had NEVER given me reason to doubt her.

On D-Day she called me sobbing saying that she needed me to come home. Right then I KNEW she and the OM had an A. She told me that she and the OM had an A that Lasted From 12.2000 to 1.2001. As if that wasn't bad enough to take, the circumstances are MUCH worse. During the same time the A was taking place she and I were going through all of the processes required to become an adoptive parents. We were also blessed during that time to have a wonderful son placed with us 3 days after he was born. And on 07.14.2002 his adoption into our family was finalized. He is our first and only child and maybe my last. Anyway, she told me and I told her that I knew as soon as she called.

I was so stupid. During that time the OM got weird and our relationship changed some and the W got TOO Happy. What kills me is that we went on Vacations with this couple --she swears that nothing happened on any of the vacation---we were at each others homes two to three times a week. We WERE their children’s Guardians. She tells me that the physical relationship stopped after X-mas 2002 but that the emails persisted infrequently through 2002. A good thing for the OM and his ability to walk is that we moved 12 hours away from them on 11.01.2002. Though, from my part the A had nothing to do with moving. I accepted a position in another state. At the time I thought that her acceptance to move was due to prayerful consideration of God's will for our family. Well God did come through but for different reasons for both of us. She tells me that she has had no contact with the OM since the last time our two families got together a year ago.

So my wife not only betrayed me but her best friend. She has taken away my relationship with children I considered family. She has distorted and marginalized the good feeling I had from adopting my son. She has destroyed the trust and happiness I thought our marriage had. She seems remorseful and both of us are seeking counseling. But I don't trust her.

And that destruction of trust and feelings lead me down another spiraling destructive path of depression. Last week I checked myself into an In-patient treatment center for mental illness. There I learned things about depression I had never heard before. And while I am thankful to my therapist for saving my life and what I learned about me and depression It doesn't change the destruction created by the A.

Here is where I need help. Now that I am equipped with better tools for dealing with my feelings and am back at home and work, how do I change? I truly believe in the Bible and the principles that it gives. I believe God gave us his Word to show us how to live. The principles of forgiveness and second chances are the KEY to being a Christian. And while I can decide to forgive her, how do I deal with the feelings that are definitely opposite to that decision.

I don't want to get a divorce and neither does she. I don't want to harm my son and make him have to be a child of a single parent. It is something that I was trying to protect him against by adopting him. I don't want to sell my home or do anything else that could come from divorce. But I can't get the feelings of distrust and hurt to reconcile with the need for forgiveness.

Any Ideas?

I have no real ideas for you, but just to let you know that i inderstand your feelings, as my situation is very similar. i hope u are both working on it, its probably the only way and of time.

I'm sure lots of people will respond to you, but weekends can be slow, so be patient.
I'm sorry for all your pain. You have found a place of solace and wonderful support. I know that God led me here, and has done the same for you.
Don't despair when your desire for forgiveness isn't matched by your feelings. Anger, rage, betrayal, despondency and a desire for justice are normal feelings--God-given even--in response to a horrible wrong, the breaking of spiritual vows. Forgiveness is your goal and if you are faithfulin keeping that as the desire of your heart, God will get you there.
These terrible, painful feelings are like the warning lights on the dashboard of your vehicle, letting you know that things are seriously asunder under the hood. Don't bury them or negate them, but pay special heed to their message. Don't force them to be quiet...the time will come when their clamoring will cease because healing has happened. (You can't stop a broken leg from hurting just because you want the pain to go away. It happens when healing has taken place.)
Forgiveness is a long process in the case of marital unfaithfulness. The wound is so deep. Give yourself TIME; work like the dickens in your spirit to reach the goal of forgiveness, but be generous with yourself in setting no timeline for it to finally feel finished. Work. But be who you are.
This is a time to be totally honest with yourself and God. He can handle all your feelings. He is the Father of all compassion! He is patient outside of time...
You can try to rush it out of feelings of guilt and imcompetency, but in my experience, it can't be rushed...it CAN be buried alive, but that results in nasty rebirths!
Forgiveness isn't a one time resolution, but a walking out of a resolution, despite setbacks and low points. Keep forgiving every time there is a trigger or issue or a bad day or week or month.
Read everything here. It's really wise counsel. You have experts in the field of marriage counseling who are also believers, and then you have thousands of regular people who have walked this road ahead of you.

Hello,

I just want to say my heart goes out to you. This was a triple betrayal for you. Adopting a child while this was going on is beyond compression. From what you have written it is difficult to believe anything that you wife has told you. Your wife would have to be sadistic to do what she did to you and having all of you going on trips together. Her lack of respect for you during this time is simply unbelievable. I am glad that you are recovering. I hope you do all of the things that you need to do to make you happy and live a full life. Only you know in the long run what is best for you. Nobody deserves what you have been through. The word broken moral compass does not come close to describing your wife. I wish you luck because you deserve it.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by realitychkd chick:

Forgiveness is a long process in the case of marital unfaithfulness. The wound is so deep. Give yourself TIME; work like the dickens in your spirit to reach the goal of forgiveness, but be generous with yourself in setting no timeline for it to finally feel finished. Work. But be who you are.

Forgiveness isn't a one time resolution, but a walking out of a resolution, despite setbacks and low points. Keep forgiving every time there is a trigger or issue or a bad day or week or month.</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">topher72,

I also echo realitychkd chick's words on forgiveness.

I have gone through infidelity via my XW [first W] and have learned and become a great beleiver that forgiveness is NOT for the benefit of the offender but IS and ALWAYS will be for the benefit of the offended. For me forgiveness gave me the freedom to get rid of the anger, revenge, sadness and bitterness that my XW affairs brought me. I did not make my forgiveness dependent on my XW coming forth and asking for it because then I would not have been able to free myself of those 4 demons. NO, I made the conscious choice that I was not going to wait for an emotional epiphany and that no matter if my feelings said otherwise, I would forgive my XW. It took a while [close to a year] before my heart and my head became synchronized but it was worth it because if I had not forgiven my XW I would have never been able to meet, fall in love and marry the woman I plan to spend the rest of my life with.

Now you may be scratching your head and wondering how it is that I forgave my XW and yet divorced her, well the answer is that forgiveness is NOT the same as reconciliation and therefore her actions [her unremorsefulness, her continued affairs, her abusive behavior towards me and our daughters, etc.] made it clear to me that the marriage had become a toxic and poisonous relationship and that for the wellbeings of my daughters and myself, the only recourse was divorce.

Unlike forgiveness, reconciliation must depend on BOTH spouses willingness to do their part to address and resolve the issues that will rebuild the marriage into one that will a testament of each others love. Are BOTH of you willing to do your parts to accomplish this?

TMCM

Toomuch, Thank you for the reply I have really been struggling with this idea that seems to be so prevelant in our society that says my feelings are the only thing that matters. Most People I have talked to have No Clue what it means to be a person of choice. I person who knows something first (God's Word and Christ's love) and then makes decision based on it. And while I expected to hurt and have rage and desire punish for the W and the OM, I never expected to have the lack of desire to work towards reconsiliation with my wife. She was always my best friend the person I could tell anything and whom I thought told me everything. Now everything she does causes me too doubt her.

And then I think If I weren't with her I wouldn't have these painful doubts. But I also think that living where I live I may not have my son if I decide I don't want to be with her.

The continuation of moving towards what I believe God commands us to do (forgive) and what Paul admonishes H's to do for W's (to sacrifce as Christ sacrificed for the church) is the most difficult thing I have ever had to do. I do believe that my W is remorseful and wants to change but I don't thing she has any clue what it means I have to go through; I think my depression and inpatient therapy gave her a clue.

The next thing I find is that while friends are there to help they have no idea either. Give me some hope here. HOW HAS TIME HELP? I have yet to find a reason to hope for my family.

WOW that sounded more depressed than I meant it to. I am still struggling with FACT that I have decided that I am a GOOD person and Because of that I have a future (with or without her) and it tends to seep into my thinking about my marriage.

Can anyone tell me some of the tools you have used to move through the TIME factor.

Thanx

Topher72,

I am so sorry for your pain, and understand how you are feeling. I read somewhere that in true forgiveness, you have to let part of yourself die. You need to let the part that is holding onto the bitterness fall away. You need to let go of the feeling of things being unfair, and unjust, because in true forgivenss, there is no fairness/justice. It IS unfair/unjust that it is YOU who have to work through this and carry the majority of the burden, but if you truly want to forgive, that is the price you pay.
As for the feelings, people have told me that those, too, will diminish. I don't believe it at this point either, but I trust the people who have been through this.
Try to act like you are already healed whenever you can, and maybe that feeling will actually start to be real.
I beleive that these things happen to us for a reason, and there have been things in my sitch. that make me believe this more. I truly hope that you can find healing, forgiveness, and reconciliation if you desire.

Thnx true